He has no right to change his mind, not when I’ve just confessed in my blog that somewhere, deep down, I still care about him.
Minutes pass, and I’m still in shock. I feel like he’s reopened my wound and turned my insides upside down. All I know is I’m confused. Confused because there’s a part of me that always wished he would come to his senses. Confused because I remember the feel of his hot mouth on mine, and I’m dying to experience that again.
Damn it, I have to shove that little fantasy aside. I can’t take him back just because his kiss is—is pure erotic wickedness!
I call Tracey.
“You will not believe what happened, Trace. I got an email from Jared and—”
“He wants you back.”
“What? How do you know?”
“It’s well-known that this happens. I thought, as the Oracle, you’d know about it.”
“I do know about it. I just didn’t expect it would happen to me.”
“Look, when a guy dumps a girl, he usually moves on right away. And then, months later, he realizes how good he had it with the first girl, and can’t quite remember why he broke up with her.”
“Whoa.” She’s right. It’s a common formula. And yet I’d prefer to believe that Jared is unique in wanting me back. “I wonder if he’ll change his mind.”
“Not necessarily. It depends on how well he’s thought this through. There’s a possibility the relationship might not last the second time around, though.”
I know that, too. I’ve even blogged on the fact that couples who get back together after breaking up are unlikely to stay together for long. The stats on that are clear.
“I was going to say no to him anyway, but hearing all of this makes it easier.”
“Don’t make any quick decisions. Obviously you’re bamboozled by this. Anyone would be. Even though this is a known phenomenon, it doesn’t mean he’s not totally sincere in wanting you back. He probably is.”
“If he’d changed his mind two weeks after the breakup, it would have been different. But now? How could he? You don’t need to answer that. Thanks for everything, Trace.”
“You’re welcome. If you need to talk some more, just call.”
We hang up. I know I should call Jared. But every time I pick up the phone, I slam it down again. He put me through so much, and all because he needed some space? And now he decides that I’m not the problem after all?
I already knew about the phenomenon of guys (or girls) blaming their significant other for their problems and breaking up with them. Now that he’s figured it out himself, am I supposed to say that it’s okay?
It’s not okay. It’s not even close to being okay.
The phone rings. Talk about not giving me time to think! “Hello.”
“Kayla, hi.” He sounds nervous. “Did you get my email?”
“Yeah. I wasn’t ready to call you yet.”
“Oh. Do you want to call me later then?”
“There’s no point. I’m a little confused right now. Why would you put me through so much and then change your mind?”
There’s a long silence. “I wish I’d handled it differently.” His voice is soft and defeated.
“I wish you had, too.”
“I don’t blame you for being confused. I figured you’d be totally furious with me. Please take the time to think about it. Take as long as you want. I’m not going anywhere.”
“What about Chelsea?”
“I told you that we were never together. She knew I was still hung up on you.”
“If you expect me to jump at the chance to get back with you…”
“I never thought you’d take me back without making me suffer first.”
I know from his voice that he’s teasing me, but I’m not rolling with it. “You’ve hurt me a lot, but I’m not going to make this decision to get back at you.”
“I know. You’re not a vindictive person, and that’s one of the reasons I love—”
“Don’t say it. Please don’t.”
“Okay. But I do, Kayla. I hate myself for what I did to you. It was the biggest mistake of my life.”
There was a time when I’d have done anything to hear him say that. But now?
I say nothing. There’s a lump in my throat. I want to cry.
“Kayla, please think about it.”
“I…I’ll think about it.” My throat is closing up. “Bye, Jared.”
Three days pass. I don’t dare tell my friends about Jared’s offer. I know what they’ll say and I don’t want to hear it. I told Jared I would think about it, and that’s what I’m doing. But I’m also trying my best to finish my term papers. How did June sneak up on me like this?
Is it just me, or is Jared spending more time than usual at his locker? He always looks like he wants to come over and talk, but he never budges. I guess that means he’s leaving it to me. Although he always smiles, I can tell that he’s worried. I’d like to put him out of his misery. Problem is, I have no idea what I’m going to do.
When I have trouble making a decision, I make a list of pros and cons. I suppose this situation isn’t any different. So while I’m supposed to be listening to a lecture in English class, I make a list.
Pros:
I still have feelings for him.
He regrets breaking up with me.
I love being with him. I can be myself.
We have similar values and he’s very supportive.
Cons:
He hurt me a lot. He doesn’t deserve to have me back.
My friends are going to think I’m on crack if I take him back after what he’s done.
Even if I still care about him, I really have moved on. Why should I go back?
It may not last. He could just dump me again the next time he’s going through a hard time.
I stare at my list. Four pros, four cons. Then I find myself adding to the Pros: He didn’t really mean to break up with me in the first place. He just needed to reorganize his life and get his art back on track.
This list isn’t giving me any answers. I wish my decision was a clear one, but obviously it isn’t. Staring at the list, I realize that what my friends think shouldn’t be a factor in my decision. It shouldn’t be, but it is. They’ve been trashing Jared ever since I broke the news about the breakup. How would they react if he’s suddenly my boyfriend again? How would they treat him? And would they lose all respect for me?
Every time my eyes meet Jared’s, I feel the electricity between us. It’s almost as if he’s purposely ramping up his sexual energy. I wonder if he’s using witchcraft or he poured some aphrodisiac into my water bottle when I wasn’t looking. How am I supposed to make a clearheaded decision when he has this effect on me?
I ask for the bathroom pass. When I get there, I’m stunned to find Amy, hair hanging over her face, sobbing over the sink.
I put an arm around her. “What happened?”
She looks up at me. Her face is red and her mascara has made two long stripes down her cheeks. “He found out about Bill at the party.”
“Oh, no! How?”
“Bill told him. I don’t know why. Chad didn’t believe him at first, but one of the soccer players confirmed it. And Bill showed him the pictures I sent of myself. Chad freaked out. He h-hit him. The guys had to hold him back.”
I don’t know what to say. This was always a possibility, and Amy loved to play with fire. Still, I hated seeing it all blow up in her face.
“Chad broke up with me. I’ve never seen him so angry. He hates me!”
“Shh…it’ll be okay.”
“No, it won’t. Chad’s never going to talk to me again!”
“It’s up to him how he wants to deal with this. You don’t have any control over that. It may be time for you to move on.”
“Move on? How can I move on when I love him?”
She loves him? That’s hardly the type of thing I’d expect to hear from Amy, especially given her infidelity. “Are you sure about that? You’ve
never mentioned loving him before.”
“But I do love him! Would I have stayed with him for two years if I didn’t?”
“I don’t know. Would you have really made out with Bill if you were in love with Chad? I thought you were bored with the relationship.”
“I am in love with Chad. I just didn’t want to be, you know, restricted by the relationship.”
“Look, I know this is hard for you, but you’re not restricted anymore. I bet you’ll be happier being single and getting to see what’s out there.”
“Single? Are you kidding me?”
Something clicks in my mind. Finally it’s making sense— Amy, that is, the way Amy thinks. She wants the safety and comfort of a committed relationship, even though she finds it restrictive. She wants to be able to flirt and fool around with other guys and still have Chad right there waiting.
She could have broken up with Chad ages ago, but she always resisted, maybe because of her fear of being alone. That explains why she always needed the attention not only of Chad, but of other guys, as well. It also explains why she clung to Chad for so long even though it was obvious that she didn’t love him the way he loved her.
Though Amy pretends to be blasé about relationships, I’m starting to think she’s needier than the rest of us.
Over the next few days, we support Amy day and night. Between her tearful late-night phone calls and my own turmoil about Jared, I hardly get any sleep.
In chemistry class, Evgeney manages to brighten my day when he says, “I have a date this weekend with Naomi, another girl from my ballroom dancing class.”
“Naomi? I loved her! How did it happen?”
“While we were dancing, she asked me to go to a movie this weekend.” He blinks, like he’s still processing it.
“Yay! So what do you think…is there potential with her?”
“I certainly hope so.” He smiles at me. “I have you to thank.”
“Me? Of course not.”
“You helped me get the date with Rose. Once I went out with her, even though it did not work out, that made Naomi think of me as a viable option.”
“You’re giving me too much credit. I’m happy for you, Evgeney. You’re a dating machine! Where are you taking her?”
“To a French restaurant called Avant Garde.”
“Sounds classy. I hope it’s not too expensive—you don’t want to go over the top on a first date.”
“Do not worry, I read your blog on that last year. One should not spend too much money on a first date. The prices at Avant Garde are reasonable.”
I have to grin. “You know your stuff, Evgeney.”
He grins back. “I have a good teacher.”
That night I find myself sitting at the computer staring at a blank screen.
So many thoughts have been whirling in my head, it’s finally time to write them down.
What To Do When He Wants You Back
It is practically a law of the universe that as soon as you are over the guy who broke up with you, he will want you back.
Is he doing it just to torture you? To rip away your newfound contentment and plunge you into a whirlpool of confusion?
Probably not. Not consciously anyway.
Why does he want you back now that you’re mostly healed? Perhaps it’s because you’re the happy, self-assured, fun-loving person he liked in the first place. Now that you’ve dusted yourself off and have gone back to being who you were before the breakup, he finds you attractive again.
Of course, your ex will not always want to get back together with you. It’s most likely to happen if a) the relationship was mostly happy, b) the relationship was codependent and he hasn’t found anyone to replace you, or c) he realizes you’re the best girl around and besides, he misses you.
So what should you do? Run back into his arms like you’ve always dreamed? Go ahead, call him right now. Call him and tell him you’ll take him back. Do it. Now.
Still reading? You had some hesitation then. You’re wondering how long the relationship will last if you get back together. You’re wondering if your friends will think you’re totally whipped for taking him back just because he asked you.
The cold, hard truth is, if you get back together with your ex, it’s unlikely to survive long-term. Is it worth it?
Whatever your decision, don’t make it quickly. Don’t make it out of the initial glee that he finally came to his senses. Don’t make it out of bitterness because he dumped you in the first place. Take your time. Reflect and evaluate. A pros and cons list is never a bad idea.
And then do what you consider to be in your best interest long-term.
Peace,
The Oracle of Dating
I read it over a few more times, then post the blog. I’m trying to see the situation with Jared objectively. There is nothing wrong with taking back your ex as long as you have good reason. If you broke up because he abused you, or if you made each other miserable, then you shouldn’t take him back. But what if you were happy?
Jared and I were happy. I could have that happiness again if I’d just say the word. So why is this such a hard decision?
Is it my pride? It’s been known to rear its ugly head now and then. Jared bruised it terribly when he broke up with me, and I won’t soon forget that.
But there’s something else, a bigger reason.
It’s me. I’ve changed. I’m not the same person he broke up with. I’ve been through a lot since the breakup, and I’ve grown from it. I think I’m even a better person from it. Wiser. I’ve seen the face of heartbreak, and it’s given me a swift kick into adulthood.
If I take Jared back, will the newer, wiser me cease to exist?
A little while later, the phone rings. I was expecting this call.
“Hi. I saw the blog and I don’t get it.”
I hear traffic in the background. “Where are you?”
“Outside your house.”
I go to the window. There he is at the bottom of the driveway on his cell. He waves.
“I’m not stalking you, Kayla, but this whole thing is driving me nuts. Will you take a walk with me?”
“Sure.” I put on my sneakers and go outside.
His hands are in his pockets and his hair is messed up by the wind. I’m tempted to hurl myself into his arms, but I don’t. We walk.
“I wasn’t sure if your blog was supposed to be your answer,” he says. “If it is, I’m not sure what the answer is.”
“It isn’t my answer. It’s just what I’ve been thinking lately.”
“I figured that since you didn’t decide right away, you might still have feelings for me.”
“Of course I do. Just because you broke up with me doesn’t mean I could automatically turn my feelings for you off.”
“Look, I don’t want to pressure you, but are you getting closer to a decision?”
“Sort of.”
He stops walking and turns to face me, waiting.
“I’m not the same person I was when we broke up, Jared. I’m a lot more independent now. I don’t want to throw all that away.”
“How would you be throwing it away? You know I just want you to be yourself.”
“I know that. If I reverted to the past, it wouldn’t be your fault. It would be mine. But you have to know…second tries usually don’t work. You’ve seen the stats on my website.”
“I don’t care about the stats, Kayla. We’re not stats. We’re not like everybody else.”
“I would love to think so. But the reality is, if I go back to you feeling uncertain, I don’t think it’ll work. So what would be the point?”
I see the sadness in his eyes, and it breaks my heart.
“So your decision is no.”
“My decision is that I can’t make a decision right now. I’m not sure what I want. And I don’t know how long it’ll be before I figure it out.”
His eyes hold mine. “That’s cool with me. I’ll wait.”
“I’m not asking you to
wait. I don’t know how long I’d be asking you to wait for, and I can’t guarantee what I’ll decide. You should take opportunities that come your way if you want to. I will, too.”
“I won’t be taking any other opportunities. In the meantime, can we hang out as friends?”
“That’s up to you. You’re the one who said we wouldn’t be able to spend time together without making out.”
“I’m sorry I said that. I’ll control myself if you want me to.” He manages a smile.
“I do.” I try not to smile because I want him to know that I’m serious. “Otherwise, we won’t be able to hang out together.”
“That’s all the incentive I need. I’ll take what I can get.”
We start walking again. My nervousness is gone, replaced by relief. I’m so glad Jared hasn’t made this hard for me. I’m glad he understands.
“It’s such a nice night, Kayla. Want to walk up to Park Slope for a latte? As friends?”
“Sure, why not?”
As we walk, I glance at him, hoping that we really can be friends until I make my decision. He’d better not try to kiss me. Because if he does, how will I be able to resist?
fourteen
I decide to take an oath. Like doctors have the Hippocratic Oath, the Oracle, too, shall have an oath:
In order to fulfill my obligation as the Oracle of Dating, I must experience, not just observe, and use my experiences to grow emotionally and spiritually. I recognize that I may learn more from my failures than from my successes. My goals will be:
to be wise without being self-righteous.
to use both sensitivity and logic in addressing problems.
to be compassionate and yet willing to challenge my clients when necessary.
I, the Oracle of Dating, will seek what is positive and good in life for myself and for others. And when problems occur, I will not run away from them. I will face them with courage and determination and help others do the same.
Two weeks zip by. Projects are due. Exams are almost here. I’m updating my website as often as possible and fielding some annoying emails. It seems I’ll never live down the teenmoi controversy. Thankfully, most of my clients haven’t turned against me, and I’ve actually gotten a handful of new ones lately. I still don’t know what the universe wants me to learn from this craziness. Be careful what you say online? I already knew that. There will always be haters trying to bring you down? It’s not a pleasant thought, but I suppose it’s true.