“At least Anthony gave it a chance. Benoit didn’t even want to try.”
“Think about it. How often would you have been able to see him? Once a year? You don’t have any money to fly to France.”
“I was willing to work extra shifts at Eddie’s for him!”
“Look at it this way. You weren’t dumped, you were discontinued. He knew it would be too difficult to continue the relationship, so he thought he’d save both of you a lot of pain and end it now.”
She makes it sound so logical, but my emotions rebel. “If he never intended to keep the relationship going, he shouldn’t have let us get so close!”
“I’m sure he didn’t mean to mislead you. Neither of you planned for this to happen, right?”
“Right, but I’m not good at falling in love and then acting like it never happened.”
“You need to look at this differently. You had a mini-romance, and an ego boost at a time when you needed it. Appreciate it for what it was.”
Over the next few days, the Benoit fiasco weighs on my mind. I tell no one of my shame, not even my closest friends. It’s too humiliating to be dropped twice in such a short period of time.
Gradually Tracey’s words penetrate my emotional bruising. Maybe she was right. Maybe Benoit was doing the thinking for both of us while I was riding on my emotions.
The question is: under what circumstances should someone embark on a long-distance relationship?
For answers, I go to my friends. Sunday night, when we’ve finished watching Glamour Girl, I tell them, “Benoit and I decided we’re not going to try the long-distance thing.”
Ryan splutters on his soda. “I thought you were crazy about the guy!”
“I’m sure we’d be going out if we lived in the same city. But there’s no point in putting all our energy into keeping the relationship going when we’d hardly ever see each other.”
“Wow,” Viv says. “I figured you’d do everything in your power to keep it going.” She looks at Amy. “You were right.”
“Right about what?” I ask.
“I said that keeping the relationship going was pointless,” Amy says. “I knew you’d figure it out for yourself.”
“So you’d never have a long-distance relationship?”
“Not if I’d only known the guy a couple of weeks, like you and Benoit. I might consider it if I’d been with the guy a really long time before we separated, but I’m still not sure.”
“You made the right decision, Kayla,” Sharese says. “I agree with Amy. I’d only give a long-distance relationship a shot if I’d been with the guy for at least a year. Who needs a boyfriend you hardly ever see? You get all the drawbacks and none of the benefits.”
“What if two people go to different colleges, far away from each other?” I ask. “Does that mean they automatically have to break up?”
“There’s no point in trying to keep it together when you’re starting college,” Amy says. “Anyone who says they can be faithful during their freshman year is a liar.”
Viv looks horrified. “That’s not true. You’re talking about yourself.”
“I’m talking about most people our age. There’s no way I’d go to college tied to someone back here.”
“Say Chad joined the army—would you be faithful, then?” Viv asks.
“I’d never date a guy in the army.”
“But your own cousin is overseas!” Ryan says.
“Yeah, and my mom makes me write him every month. Total pain in the ass.”
Long-Distance Relationships: Are They Worth It?
Oh, sure. A long-distance relationship seems so romantic. Months of longing, passionate reunions and more months of longing. But are you up for the work it takes to maintain it? And if you commit to someone who lives far away, are you wasting dating opportunities and life lessons at home?
The Oracle is not saying that long-distance relationships are a total mistake. But as a rule, you should only undertake a long-distance relationship if:
1. You have the cash-flow to see him regularly.
2. You have been together at least six months and therefore have spent enough time together to know that you are compatible.
3. You will not resent him for making you pass up other relationship opportunities.
4. He is as crazy about you as you are about him.
You shouldn’t undertake a long-distance relationship if:
1. You haven’t spent a lot of time with him before your separation.
2. You haven’t met him in person. Some people start courtships online and invest a lot of time and money, from phone calls to airfare, only to be disappointed when they meet!
3. You would like to date other people before tying yourself down to one person.
4. You do not have a plan to visit him in the foreseeable future.
Choose wisely…
With my new perspective, I finally email Benoit. I’m glad I didn’t reply until I had calmed down and was seeing the situation more clearly.
Dear Benoit,
I understand and I agree. I, too, will look back fondly upon our time together.
I wish you well.
Kayla
I am beginning to wonder if everything that has happened to me dating-wise, good and bad, is happening for a reason.
Maybe others will learn from my experiences.
Now that Benoit is gone, a lot has become clear. While I was with him, I deluded myself into believing I was over Jared, but I never really was. I still have more than three weeks left in my rebound equation, and I am determined not to date anybody until it’s over. (However, I reserve the right to change my mind in the extremely unlikely event that one of my favorite TV vampire hotties asks me out.)
In the meantime, one of my guest blogs goes up on a site called areateen, and I get twenty-two extra hits that day. I was hoping for more, but it’s not bad. If even one of those people becomes a client—or even learns something from the website—then it’s worth the time I spent writing the blog. And who knows how many friends those twenty-two people will tell about the Oracle? Word of mouth is key. It’s just too bad I can’t track it.
Finally I receive the question that teenmoi has chosen for me to answer. Teenmoi is the site of a blogger named Brandy. She emailed me saying that when she put out an open call for questions, she got more than forty.
Dear Oracle of Dating,
I have a problem. At first I tried to pretend it was just a coincidence that it happened more than once, but now it’s happened again!
Several guys I’ve been attracted to have turned out to be gay.
My friends say I have no gay-dar. They say that the guys I go for are way too artsy and stylish to be straight. But what’s wrong with being attracted to a guy who is cultured and knows how to dress? Do I have to go for some meathead sports fan just to make sure he’s straight?
What’s wrong with me that I can’t pick up the signs? Could it be that I’m really a lesbian and that’s why I’m attracted to gay men—because I want women without being aware of it? I’m so confused!
The last guy I dated, who recently dumped me, said that he was bisexual. He said I had nothing to do with it, but now I’m wondering if I’m actually turning guys gay.
Please help, Oracle!
Disoriented
I read the email a couple of times and make notes on the different issues I want to address. I’m a little surprised that Brandy chose this particular question because it hits on some touchy issues. Anyway, I have no choice but to tackle it head-on. My sister’s best friend, Corinne, has encountered this problem on a number of occasions, so it’s definitely an issue I’ve thought about before.
I take a couple of days to work on my answer, then send it to Brandy, who promises to post it the next day. I mention on my website that my next blog tour visit is tomorrow at teenmoi. I love this blog tour idea. Hopefully this one will get the Oracle lots of hits!
Dear Disoriented,
No, you are no
t turning guys gay. There’s a debate about what makes someone gay, but I think it’s simply the way a person is born. You have nothing to do with it.
You do have a valid concern though. If most of the guys you are attracted to are gay or bisexual, I understand why that would distress you.
I can’t make this blog into “How to Spot a Gay Guy” because that would involve stereotyping. But ask yourself what attracts you to these particular guys, and what they have in common, and you might find clues. Here are two questions to consider the next time you are deciding who to date:
Has this guy had any girlfriends (romantic ones) before?
Do you feel real sexual tension between you, or are you simply attracted to him because you get along well?
Unfortunately, neither of these questions can give you a definitive answer, but obviously you have to do things differently than you’ve done before. There’s no need to assume that every straight guy is a meathead or sports nut. Lots of straight guys are deeper than that! It might also be worthwhile to ask yourself what you have against guys with more traditional masculine interests.
None of this means you’re a lesbian. If you’re of dating age, you likely know your orientation by now. If you’re unsure, think back to your first crush in grade school—was it a boy or a girl? The answer should tell you your orientation.
Good luck,
The Oracle of Dating
Later that night, I get a surprise: an IM from Jared.
InvisibleBassist: Are you busy?
HelloImAGirl: You changed your username.
InvisibleBassist: Yeah, well.
Dead air. Does he have something to say or what? He’s the one who contacted me.
InvisibleBassist: How are you doing?
HelloImAGirl: Fine. You?
InvisibleBassist: I’m good.
Good? Does he have to be good? Damn it, I should have said I’m great.
InvisibleBassist: I just wanted to see how you’ve been. Anything new?
HelloImAGirl: I’m doing some guest blogs on different teen websites and I’m really excited about it.
InvisibleBassist: Cool. Kayla, last time we talked, you didn’t give me a chance to explain why I haven’t been talking to you at school. I thought it would be awkward for both of us.
HelloImAGirl: Speak for yourself. I could have handled it.
InvisibleBassist: Okay, you’re right. I’m the one who’s been uncomfortable. But it doesn’t help that your friends stare at me like I’m Bin Laden.
HelloImAGirl: I’m sorry if they do that. Anyway you wanted to make a clean break and that’s what you did. Don’t worry, if I’d had something to say, I would have. I’ve moved on.
InvisibleBassist: I saw that. I’m glad for you.
HelloImAGirl: Somehow that sounds patronizing.
InvisibleBassist: It’s not.
HelloImAGirl: Good. I have to get back to work.
InvisibleBassist: Wait, I just want to say I’m sorry I hurt you. I really am. None of this has been easy for me. I feel like I’ve lost my best friend.
HelloImAGirl: You dumped me as your girlfriend, but it was your choice to dump me as your friend, too.
InvisibleBassist: Yeah, but it’s not so simple. There are still feelings between us, or at least, I still have feelings for you. It’s not like there’s a switch I can turn off. If we’d hung out as friends we’d probably end up making out.
HelloImAGirl: I can’t BELIEVE you said that!
InvisibleBassist: You know it’s true. We won’t ever be just friends.
HelloImAGirl: Then why are you IMing me? Just to make yourself feel better about the breakup? I’m fine. You don’t have to worry about me.
Oh, God. I don’t sound like I’ve moved on, do I?
HelloImAGirl: I’m expecting a call from Benoit, and I’ve got a lot to do here.
I’m lying because I want to hurt him, just a fraction of how much he hurt me. But I can’t hurt him, because he doesn’t love me anymore.
InvisibleBassist: I’m sorry for bothering you. Go on being the Oracle and being amazing. I hope one day you’ll forgive me.
He logs off before I can reply.
It isn’t fair. I’m practically over him. And for some reason he randomly IMs me like this, and then I’m thinking about him again. Hurting again. Why does he do this to me? What does he want?
Forgiveness. That’s what he wants.
Until I forgive him, he can’t truly move on. And maybe…maybe I can’t either.
It’s about time I write this email and have it done for good.
Dear Jared,
I forgive you—if there’s anything to forgive. And I truly wish you happiness.
Kayla
eight
46 Days into Rebound Equation
At lunchtime the next day, I eat quickly with my friends then go to the computer lab to see if teenmoi’s posted my blog yet. She has, and she even blogged on it herself!
As I start reading, my eyes bug out of my head.
So as you all know, this girl who calls herself the Oracle of Dating contacted me asking to do a guest post—in other words, to get some exposure through my blog. I sent her one of your questions and here’s her response. Could she have been more offensive? I wouldn’t have even posted it, but I promised her that I would, and I always keep my word.
What’s with the Oracle of Dating anyway? This girl (if she is, in fact, a teenage girl like she claims) actually charges for her advice. I would never charge for giving advice—I don’t think it’s right. And trust me, this girl’s advice is NOT worth paying for. If you think her response on this question is bad, you can see worse on her website. But I’ll save you the bother by telling you what’s there: crapola. It’s like she thinks teens have nothing better to do than constantly think about dating. Like there aren’t bigger problems in the world than getting a date! And let me tell you, there’s no issue this girl won’t write about, no matter how frivolous. She’s blogged on how to flirt, for God’s sake. Anyway, take a look at this Q & A and let me know what you think.
The computer room spins around me. I’ve been set up! Brandy must have hated my website from the beginning and relished this opportunity to bash it. She gave me a controversial question that she knew would get me in hot water.
And for her to say she posted it only because she promised me—that’s ridiculous! Anyone would prefer not to have their blog posted than have it insulted publicly. This girl is such a phony.
I don’t think blogging about flirting is frivolous. Some people really need the help. And I’m not claiming there aren’t more important issues in the world than the ones I deal with, but most teens are into dating or want to be. Who does she think she is anyway?
Obviously I didn’t do enough research before contacting her. I go to the archives on teenmoi, skimming over some of her older posts, and there I see all the red flags I’d missed. Snarkiness, apparently, is Brandy’s strong suit. The snarkier the post, the more comments she gets. How could I have not seen this before? I’d noticed that she bashed some celebrities, but it never occurred to me that she’d turn her venom on a guest blogger. I was so wrong.
No responses have been posted yet. I can only hope her readers will see things differently.
For Ryan, the most offensive part of working at Eddie’s is being forced to wear the blue polyester shirt. No matter what pants you wear with it, no matter how you roll up the sleeves or accessorize, you can never look anything but lame.
But in one heart-stopping moment a few weeks ago, it all changed. He spotted Kate, a brand-new employee, who walked in with the shirt on, ironed to perfection over a white collared shirt. And he fell madly in love with her. At least, I think he did. Ryan rarely admits to crushing on anyone, but I can see it from the way his cheeks change color when he talks to her, not to mention the way he stares in her direction. He probably thinks Kate is out of his league, though, and he may be right. She’s three years older than him and a student at the Fashi
on Institute. With silky straight blond hair, perfectly arched brows and flawless makeup, she is Ryan’s ideal girl.
I’ve tried to ease Ryan into talking about his crush, but without success. Maybe he’s got the right attitude. If you tell your friends about your crush, they’ll encourage you to ask the person out, and you’ll run the risk of rejection. I used to be all about self-preservation myself, before the days of Jared.
Tonight Ryan is gawking at Kate as usual. When he and I go on break, I casually say, “Kate’s got great hair, hasn’t she?” He nods, as if to say, does she ever.
I really wish I could tell him what’s going on with my website, but of course I can’t do that. When I got home from school, I didn’t check teenmoi’s site, figuring there’d only be a couple of comments. I won’t know until later tonight how people are reacting.
Ryan interrupts my thoughts with talk of the Viv situation. “She’s seeing Sandeep regularly.”
“How do you know? She hasn’t mentioned him.” But I realize I’ve been so hung up on Benoit the last little while that I didn’t even bring it up. Maybe I should have.
“She’s not going to mention him because she knows what you’ll say. I asked her flat out if she’s seeing him and she admitted she’s been having coffee with him. She says they’re not dating, but it’s so obvious he’s pursuing her. He tells her she’s gorgeous and brilliant and all that crap. There’s no doubt about it—he’s reeling her in.”
Ugh. Poor Viv. “No decent guy would say those things to a girl if he still has a girlfriend.”
“That’s what I said. But she actually feels sorry for him. She keeps saying he’s in such a difficult position. I told her it sounds like a pretty sweet position to me. I just hope she wises up before it’s too late.”
“Me, too,” I say gloomily. “I don’t want to see her hurt again.”