That was how he had made me feel the few months we had been together. He’d told me I couldn’t tell anyone about our relationship and I hadn’t. Not even Raven, for fear that he would end everything. Stupid girl. I’d thought that keeping us a secret was just his way of keeping me safe from all the sheep who were practically obsessed with getting Jet Hannigan into bed with them. Jet rarely touched the sheep and that just made them want him all the more. When it had all came out I’d found out that he hadn’t wanted anyone to know because he didn’t want to share me with his MC brothers—yet.
He’d taken my virginity and my heart and made me feel like the whore I had always promised myself I would never become. Stupid girl that I had been had still loved him, even after I’d lost our baby. Even after all the ugliness. All the pain. I still loved Jet Hannigan, which meant that I would never be able to go home.
“Thanks for watching them.” Jesse juggled Luca in one arm and pulled something from his back pocket. “Emmie said you asked for this. I got you two, just in case.” He placed two cellphones in my hands. Burner phones.
I bit my lip and nodded. “Yeah. Thanks, Jesse.”
“We really like you, Felicity. I hope you plan on staying around for a while.” He gave me a grim smile. “You’re good with all the kids… Especially Lucy.”
My heart clenched at the thought of Lucy. She was the reason I needed the burner phone. She was the reason I was going to make a phone call that would tear my heart out with the need to go home. But after seeing for myself how much pain that little girl was still in, how much her nightmares still haunted not only her but her family, I knew that I had to do something. Not just for Lucy, but for Emmie and Jesse too. Emmie was having bad dreams too, and sometimes I found her just pacing through the house, unable to sleep because of what had happened. Her guilt, her own nightmares. She had confessed to me one night that she blamed herself for Lucy’s experience and while I didn’t think she should shoulder that burden, I could see exactly where she was coming from.
“If you need anything just let me know… Okay?”
I nodded and offered him another smile. Over the next few hours I helped Jesse get the twins home and then got Mia and Jagger fed and into bed. Emmie came home, looking exhausted. Lucy’s therapist had requested that Emmie start attending some of the girl’s sessions, to help them both work through the night Lucy had been kidnapped. It wasn’t helping Emmie much, if anything it gave her more and more sleepless nights.
She barely gave me a glance as she thanked me for working so hard and climbed the stairs to go to bed. Nik was already up there waiting on her, as he usually was after one of these sessions. Tomorrow they would both be quiet and walking around with their own demons clouding their minds. Thankfully tomorrow was Sunday and there would be no going in to the studio, because Nik wouldn’t have gone anyway. Emmie would need him close, just to feel safe—even if she wouldn’t admit it out loud.
I waited until the door was closed behind her before picking up one of the burner phones and stepping out onto the patio. My heart was racing and I felt all kinds of choked up as I walked to the beach and sat down on the damp sand. My gaze was on the waves as I hit the number I had already programed in. I spent my sleepless nights out here, just letting the waves wash over my feet as if they would wash away my memories…
It rang five times before someone picked up. The number had come up unlisted, untraceable. I knew he wouldn’t answer immediately, but he was used to burner phones and knew that it would be important. “What?”
I bit my lip as it started to tremble. Hawk’s voice pounded over me, making me ache for home. For Raven. For Jet. “H-hey…”
There was a long pause on the other end as if he was having trouble believing his ears. “Flick?”
The sound of that name made me flinch. Not many people in my new life called me Flick. They knew me as Felicity, even if Emmie did know most of my life up until now from the background check she had done on me. The woman had been like the CIA when it came to finding out everything about the person who would be taking care of her children.
“Yeah, it’s me. Listen, I don’t have much time…” Because I will start telling you where I am and asking you to come get me. To take me back to that life I had walked away from. “But I need a favor. It’s a big favor.”
There was another pause, then he cursed and I knew he wouldn’t let me down. “Anything, Flick. Just name it.”
“I need you to go see Jet. To ask him to do something for me.”
“Flick…”
“It’s important, Hawk. He owes me.” I didn’t want to play that card, but I would. This was too big, too important for it not to be used if I had to.
Hawk blew out a long, frustrated sigh. “What do I need to ask him?”
Chapter 16
Spider
I’d left it too long. As soon as Bash had called me, I had known that I had left it too long.
I should have told her that first day I saw her again. Fuck, I should have told her when I’d first found out the truth. Instead I’d just hidden my head in the sand and left her alone. Too scared, too much of a chicken shit to risk her rejection. So here I was, on my bike after driving over ten hours straight, sitting in the driveway of the house Willa had grown up in.
The sun had been up for a few hours now, and the car that had mostly done nothing but sit in the Hannigans’ driveway since she had come back into my life, was sitting right in front of me. My heart unclenched a little knowing that she had made it here safely. I’d been terrified that she would have been so upset she would have wrecked.
The house was nice, out of the way and more like a cottage than anything else. The yard was full of plants but no flowers. Willa wasn’t a fan of flowers. She was allergic to bees and flowers attracted bees. At least ten birdhouses were spread around the front yard, and I knew it was to discourage bees just as much as the flowerless plants were. I made a silent promise then and there that if she forgave me I would buy her a house and build her a hundred birdhouses for our front yard.
I climbed off the bike and headed toward the front door. Trying the handle, I found it unlocked. Shaking my head I walked inside, but other than Willa’s car keys lying on the table by the front door there was no sign of her. Heading upstairs I figured she was exhausted after driving all night. I sure as hell was.
Bash had reluctantly given me the address of Willa’s old house. He’d wanted to give Willa a few days to get her head straight, but I knew that if she had too much time to overthink the situation she would start imagining all kinds of stupid shit. Stuff that would be so far from the truth she would never believe me when I explained everything.
The first door I came to upstairs was a room that had been painted pink with a gray boarder. There was a toddler bed against one wall, telling me this had been Lexa’s room. Bash had told me that Willa was selling her mother’s house, with nearly all the furnishings included since there was no need for them back in Creswell Springs. The next two rooms showed me a half bathroom and what must have been Bash’s room while he had been living here. It had been a small room, with just a bed and a few odds and ends, but it showed me that he had indeed had his own room.
The next door was the last one and it was also a good distance away from the other two bedrooms. Opening it quietly, my breath caught in my lungs as I found Willa spread out across the top of the comforter of the queen-sized bed. She had her head pillowed on her arm and she had one shoe on while the other was on the floor beside the bed. Her jeans were unbuttoned but still on and her shirt had ridden up her back showing off that alabaster skin I loved to lick and taste.
It was her face, the dark circles under those long lashed eyes, and the tear stains on her cheeks that made me want to beat my head against the closest wall. Making her cry was the last thing I wanted to do. I was such a fuck up when it came to her and our relationship.
Jaw clenched, I sat on the edge of the bed and took off her remaining shoe before tugging of
f her jeans so that she could sleep more comfortably. Then I picked her up and pulled the covers back before tucking her in. I ached to lie down beside her then and there but I was a mess. A shower was in order before I could sleep. I didn’t want her to wake up and find me smelling of smoke and cheap perfume from Paradise City as well as blood and sweat from where I’d pummeled some college boy from trying to rape one of the girls who worked at the club.
By the time I returned from the connecting bathroom, I could barely keep my eyes open. I climbed into bed beside Willa and pulled her close, my eyes already closing from exhaustion as I fell into a deep, dreamless sleep…
--
The slap across my face had my eyes snapping open. A very awake, very angry Willa leaned over me. The glare on her face mixed with the hurt in her storm-cloud gray eyes hurt me more than the sting of her slap. I touched a hand to my cheek, letting her have her five seconds of redemption. She knew I wasn’t going to hit her back. I’d cut my own hand off before raising it to her.
“I don’t want you here,” she yelled as she got to her feet and turned to look down at me. “Get your clothes on and get out.”
“I’ll leave after we talk,” I told her as I sat up, pulling the comforter and sheets up to my waist. It wouldn’t earn me any points to show off my hard-on while she yelled at me. I didn’t want to leave here without her, but if that was what she wanted after I told her the truth, then it was what I was going to give her. That didn’t mean I wasn’t going to keep pushing when she got back to Creswell Springs, though. I was ready to fight as long and as dirty as I needed to get her back.
“There isn’t anything to talk about. You’ve had the chick who you cheated on me with working for you for three years, didn’t bother to tell me, and I don’t like it. End of conversation.”
“I didn’t cheat on you.” My voice was quiet as I sat there following her with my eyes. She was pacing back and forth now, but at my confession she stopped and her whole face changed. Angry tears leaked from her eyes and her nose scrunched up as she prepared to blast me with her wrath. Or, as Raven would have called it—ugly cry. I hoped she didn’t cry.
“Liar!” she screamed. “You fucking liar. I walked in and saw it all. You had two girls—two fucking girls, Spider!—laid out with you naked as the day they were born.”
“You saw what you were supposed to see, baby.” I tried to keep my voice calm, but my anger over the whole episode even years later was enough to ignite my rage all over again. The night I’d learned the truth was the night I’d come the closest to ever hitting a female in my life. “Your bat-shit crazy sister set me up. That night she knew that we had something going on between us. Knew that my feelings for you were a lot deeper than just someone I talked to in passing. You saw her try to work her way into my bed that night. It was why you ran back to your room in the first place.”
“Don’t try to turn this around. I know what I saw.” But some of the anger seemed to leave her face to be replaced with confusion. “You were asleep with two girls…”
“I was passed out. I’d drunk nearly a whole bottle of tequila because I didn’t want to face saying goodbye to you the next morning. I wanted to ask you to come to Creswell Springs with me. Or let me go back to Seattle with you. Damn it, Willa, I loved you and I was about to turn nomad for you. Would have turned my back on my MC, my friends and family. I would have let that all go so that I could be with you.” I would do it now if that was what it took. Anything that would make her see what she meant to me, I would do it without hesitation.
“How do you know Tasha set you up?” she demanded, her chin trembling. I breathed a little easier as I saw something akin to hope in her gray eyes. Things might turn out okay for us after all.
“Topaz confessed the night she showed up at Paradise City. She hadn’t wanted to do it in the first place, but Tasha was scary as hell when it came to forcing people to do what she wanted.” I grimaced, remembering the shape Topaz had been in the night she had shown up in need of a safe place to heal and asking for a job. Tasha had worked her over really good, and Topaz would always have a few scars to remember Tasha Blackstone for. “Tasha had Topaz and some other sheep climb into bed with me, knowing that you would find them there. I was so drunk that I thought I blacked out and cheated on you, when all I did was fall asleep.”
Willa bit her lip and sat down in the rocking chair beside the bed. Her fingers were trembling as she ran them over her face. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
For over a year I had thought I had done the unforgiveable. It had haunted me and I’d thought I was unworthy of Willa because of it. As soon as I had found out the truth I should have been on the road to her, to get my female back. It was the biggest regret of my life that I hadn’t. “I didn’t know how to tell you. I had heard through a few people that you were having a hard time taking care of your mom. I was scared that you wouldn’t believe me and that seeing me would only stress you out more. When you showed up in Creswell Springs I was pissed off at first. You had been living with Bash for over a year so of course I’d thought the same thing Raven did. That you and my best friend wouldn’t have been able to live together that long and not hook up.”
Her glare returned. “Bash has only ever been a friend. He’s like a brother to me. Of course we got close while we lived here, but that was only because of Lexa. We both grew up fast when we had to learn to take care of a defenseless little baby. Plus he was hung up over Raven. He talked about her every day, and I saw how much he loved her.” She shook her head and looked away, her cheeks filling with pink. “Taking our friendship further had never even crossed my mind because all I could think about was you.”
“Good.” The thought that she couldn’t get me out of her head gave me hope. Maybe she had loved me just as long as I had loved her. I knew that her wanting to label our relationship as ‘just sex’ in the beginning had been her way of protecting herself. When she had agreed to make us something more I’d thought that she was learning to trust me.
Willa sighed and shook her head, but a small smile teased at her lips at my cocky reply. “You loved me four years ago?” Her voice was soft, as if she was shy.
“More than anything. Which was why I hated myself for so long after that night. I would have given up everything for you, Willa. Everything.”
A fresh batch of tears filled her eyes. “And now? Do you…love me now?”
“I never stopped.” The words came out huskier than I expected as my throat clogged with emotions I wasn’t used to feeling. I never thought that telling a female I loved her would affect me so much. Fuck, I never thought I would tell a female other than Raven that I loved her. It was kind of scary, but as soon as the words were out I felt lighter for some inexplicable reason.
Willa
“I never stopped.”
I felt as if I were still dreaming. Honestly, the dreams I’d been having before waking up to find Spider pressed against my back had been bizarre to say the least. The long drive through the night had been more than exhausting physically. Crying most of the way to Seattle had left me emotionally and mentally drained and I’d barely had time to use the bathroom before conking out on the bed that had once been my mother’s.
The dreams had started as soon as I was asleep. A little house with a huge backyard. A motorcycle in the driveway and three kids playing on the swing set in the front yard. I knew it was the future I’d wanted with Spider and would never have. I had woken up feeling so emotionally shattered that I’d been unable to contain the anger at having all of that ripped away by the man lying so peacefully asleep beside me that I’d slapped his handsome face. The slap had only made me feel a little better for a moment and then I’d started regretting it. I’d never hit him before, and didn’t want to turn into the kind of woman who took her anger out in a violent way. I wasn’t Tasha, after all, and my mother would have been so ashamed of me if she had seen what I had done.
Now, after hearing him explain that it had been my siste
r playing the worst kind of trick—which made a sick kind of sense—and having Spider tell me that he loved me back then and had never stopped, I was left speechless. My heart was cracked into a million pieces, but they suddenly didn’t feel like they couldn’t be put back together again. If I let myself believe him, then maybe he could rebuild my heart and fix the twisting pain in my chest.
“I never stopped, Willa. I’ve loved you from the first time I saw you. That sounds crazy, and if I hadn’t felt it first-hand, I would tell you that love at first sight doesn’t exist. Fuck, I would tell you that love itself doesn’t exist. But that first day, as soon as I saw you, something changed inside of me. You made me different in a blink of an eye.” He shifted on the bed, causing the covers to fall from his waist a few inches. I tried not to let my eyes drift from his face, but the temptation of seeing him in all his naked glory was almost more than I could handle. But this conversation was possibly the most important I would ever have in my life so I forced myself to focus.
“I tried to fight what I felt for you, but I knew it was a losing battle. Less than a week and I was practically begging you to spend time with me.” He grimaced. “I knew for sure I loved you when you would sit through all of those Norman Reedus movies with me without complaint.” Despite all the emotions churning through me a laugh escaped me at that last statement and he grinned. “Not even Raven will watch that much Norman Reedus with me, and she’s a huge fan of Daryl from The Walking Dead.”
“Well, that’s where you have to understand the big difference between Raven and me.” He frowned and I offered him a small smile. “I love you in a bigger way than Raven does.”
The words had barely left my lips when he was across the bed and pulling me out of the rocker. He jerked me against his chest so hard that it sent us falling back onto the mattress. His lips sealed across mine, his tongue diving deep as if he were trying to brand me inside and out. Spider kissed me until I was breathless, his arms were like bands around my waist as he held on as if scared I would vanish if he let go.