No matter how miserable her life was, and how freaky she was becoming, it was still a gorgeous day and one that she didn’t have to spend in school like the rest of her friends. And the benefit of living in the middle of nowhere? Was that there weren’t many people around to see you when you grew feathers all down your arms and across your back. She spread her arms and laughed. Hey, maybe she could fly. That might semi make up for being a freak.
She took a running leap into the air, but nothing at all happened, and she tumbled onto the grass. The feathers stayed tight on her skin. Her arms remained regular arms. Just really really weird regular arms. She sighed.
Flopping over onto her back, she let the sun soothe her. Immediately she felt better. If only every moment could be like this one: the sun warm and lush on her skin, the earth soft underneath her. The vague sound of sprinklers and birds and cars driving by out on the main road.
The air smelled of freshly cut grass. Her dad must have been busy the day before.
She closed her eyes and dreamed. In her fantasy, she was at the lake wearing her bathing suit, and Jeff Jackson was there, smiling at her, taking her hand. They swam, hand in hand, laughing and pushing through the water. She imagined his wet face emerging from the water, him smiling and gazing at her with those blue eyes of his . . .
He was so cute!
That chin with the dimple in it, his super handsome face and blue blue eyes that made her swoon . . . In her fantasies, she’d laugh and tell stories and jokes that sent him howling with laughter. She was easy and normal and not even slightly shy. She was like Jennifer and the other girls who always looked so confident, like nothing at all bothered them, ever. She couldn’t imagine any of them dying of embarrassment the way she, Ava, did every day of her life. She had never seen any of their faces turn pink, and then bright red, the way hers did whenever a teacher called on her and made her speak in front of the class and all she wanted to do was curl up and hide. They were all pretty and perfect and had beautiful, radiant mothers who dropped them off at school and showed up at school dances to make sure no one did anything bad, like when Kyle Summerfield sneaked in beer one time and passed out in the bathroom.
She could practically feel his hand in hers. Her first kiss, her first boyfriend.
She thought about him buying her lemonade at the carousel, how he had looked at her, all the fascinating things she could have said to him.
But the fantasy didn’t last. A bird cry snapped her out of it, and she remembered: She was not a girl who could have a boyfriend like Jeff Jackson, or any boy, really. She was a freak, with feathers growing down her arms. How could she ever show her face anywhere? How could she ever go back to school, or to the lake? What would she do tomorrow? She would have to spend her whole life locked up in her bedroom!
Above her head, a bird was swooping down. A swan. Its huge white wings spread out on either side.
Ava gasped, sitting up.
It was so beautiful, and its black, glittering eyes were staring right at her.
She sat as still as possible, afraid to breathe.
For a moment the bird seemed to be floating. And then it let out a long, trumpeting sound, passing over her so close she could have reached up and grabbed it. She cried out and bent down, covering her head, and then, after a moment had passed, she looked up again as the swan disappeared in the distance, its enormous white wings sparkling in the sun.
It felt like she’d witnessed something magical. Like the time she’d come upon a great buck in the woods, its antlers rising up into the sky, and they’d stood there watching each other, only feet away, before the animal turned and bolted. Amazing.
She leaned back again, feeling happy suddenly. She stretched out her arms and realized they were sort of beautiful, the feathers. Weird, yes. But sort of beautiful.
In a weird way.
The whole day spread out in front of her. She could watch Pretty in Pink maybe, if her dad had Tivo’d it, which he probably had, to be nice. Watching Molly Ringwald make that cool pink eighties dress always made her feel better about the world. She could lay out some more, but was there really a point now? She could play video games, or give Monique a new hairdo. Monique hadn’t really been looking so sharp lately.
What she really wanted to do, she decided, was see her grandma. It had been at least a couple of weeks since she’d seen her, and you never knew with old people. Grandma Kay was always saying she had one foot in the grave, which made Ava imagine her with one foot in a big hole in the ground, her spindly legs stretching out like taffy. Ava loved her grandmother and her little house that always seemed to smell like gingerbread. Even if Grandma Kay was a little nutty sometimes, as Ava’s dad put it, she was the one person who could make everything seem normal again.
When Ava stood, finally, there were white feathers all over the grass. From her or from the swan, she couldn’t be sure.
“Great.” she said out loud. Shouting after the swan like a crazy person. “That’s just great! Thank you!”
It was slow going, trying to shower. Feathers kept clogging the drain and she had to scoop them out and throw them into the toilet so the shower wouldn’t overflow. Plus the whole feathers-in-the-drain thing might look sort of funny when her dad got home, she thought. Monique didn’t make it any easier, perched the whole time on the toilet, eyeing Ava suspiciously and occasionally voicing her discontent.
It felt surprisingly good though, the water moving over her, and she couldn’t help but notice how clean and bright the feathers were after. Even cleaner and brighter than they had been before, which was sort of crazy.
She dressed quickly, tearing through her closet to find the hoodie she’d worn all winter and throwing it on. It seemed to cover everything all right as long as she kept the sleeves down and the hood on her head. Which might look strange to anyone else, wearing long sleeves and a hood in the summer sun, but not as strange as it’d look to be covered in feathers. She could just pretend she was delicate and cold all the time, like Grandma Kay was. Though Grandma Kay was, like, a thousand years old.
Luckily, Grandma Kay wouldn’t notice anything; that she could be sure of. Grandma Kay had started losing her sight some years before and by now was nearly blind. Grandma Kay might be her only friend from now on, come to think of it. Though maybe, Ava thought, it would be possible for her to meet other blind people who would accept her. Blind people! The thought was heartening.
Ava felt like a spy as she cut through the woods and took back roads to Grandma Kay’s. She loved this route: the wildflowers growing along the sides of the roads, the sweet little houses with porches wrapping around them, the big swaying trees. It might have been a nowhere town, but it was awfully pretty. She loved the little park on her grandma’s side of town, with the treehouses and the merry-go-round covered with pictures of snails.
Grandma Kay lived in a house that felt more like home than anywhere Ava had ever been. As she approached, she already started feeling like everything would be all right. But how could it be, really?
“Grandma!” she called, pushing through the screen door in back, which was never locked.
There was no answer.
“Grandma!”
“Is that you Ava?”
“Yes, where are you?”
“In here!”
Ava followed her voice into the den, where her grandmother sat in her old chair, rocking back and forth. A small, elegant woman, she was beautifully dressed in a filmy top and skirt.
“What are you doing, Grandma?” Ava asked, concerned.
“Just sitting here, thinking about your grandfather.”
“Oh.” Ava sat down on the couch. “Don’t be sad, Grandma.”
“I’m not sad at all honey. How are you, doll? Shouldn’t you be at school?”
“I stayed home sick today.”
“Is that right? And yet you managed to make your way here. I’m so impressed!”
Ava laughed. “Well.” Her grandma always seemed to know when she w
as lying. She seemed to know lots of things.
“Is everything all right with you, Ava? Your grandfather seems to think that you’re having a hard time right now.”
Ava hesitated. “But, umm. Grandpa is dead, Grandma.”
“I can still talk to him, though, dear.”
“Really? How?”
“He lives in here.” Grandma Kay pointed to her chest, where her heart was.
Ava felt tears spring to her eyes. “Oh. Well. I just . . . I don’t know what to do. Something is . . . happening to me. Like, with my body.”
Her grandmother smiled, fixing her pale blue eyes on Ava. “You’re becoming a young woman, dear. Your body does all kinds of things at this age. Don’t be afraid of what’s happening. It’s natural. More natural than you think.”
Ava looked at her grandmother. Did she know? She had the oddest expression on her face, as if she were looking at a ghost. It was the same kind of expression she’d had when she read Ava’s palm or laid out her tarot cards, when Ava was a kid. Grandma Kay had always been funny like that, and Ava and Morgan had loved to spend afternoons over here when they were little, listening to Grandma Kay talk about love lines and hangmen and magicians. But that was before Grandpa died and Grandma Kay started losing her vision and Ava’s father told Grandma Kay to stop with the kooky stuff altogether. “You’re corrupting their pure young minds,” he’d said.
Ava shook her head.
Of course Grandma Kay didn’t know.
She sighed. “It’s not natural, though, what’s happening. It’s . . . weird. And gross.” Ava almost took off the hoodie to show her grandmother the feathers, or at least let her feel them, but then she stopped herself. What could her grandmother, a blind old woman, do to help? Grandma Kay might have been kooky (and wonderful!), but she couldn’t make miracles happen. Ava just wanted to see her, be here. Lie for a while on the couch and talk to her grandma while eating ginger snaps out of the box.
Forget, and feel like everything would be fine.
“Honey, you’re becoming who you’re going to be. That I know. And you’re going to be wonderful. All you have to do is sit back and let it happen.”
“Sure,” Ava said. “Just let it happen.”
What other choice did she have?
CHAPTER THREE
When Ava tried to stay home from school a second day, her father would have none of it. Especially when she’d acted suspiciously normal the night before as they sat together watching a movie he’d Netflix’ed for her. An old Ava Gardner movie that actually wasn’t too bad for being black and white.
“You should really get to know your doppelganger,” he’d said.
“Doppelganger?”
“Your twin.”
She was certainly regretting watching that movie now and letting her father see her acting so healthy and un-sick. But it was hard to spend hours on end pretending to be sick in bed when it was so beautiful outside, when she’d just spent a long lovely afternoon with her grandmother, and when her father insisted on making his famous Italian meatballs that he rolled by hand, plus a big salad with artichoke hearts and olives, two of her favorite things, and then put on a movie with a gorgeous old movie star he claimed was her twin. The movie star she’d been named after, no less.
There were worse twins to have, she had to admit. As her grandmother would say, that Ava Gardner was one tall drink of water even if she was only five foot five.
Now there was no way she could stay home, though she definitely felt sick. Felt like she was dying, in fact. Didn’t that horrible feeling in the pit of her stomach count for something?
“I think it’s called I-don’t-want-to-go-to-school-itis,” her father said. “Believe me, I’ve had it, too. And why have you suddenly decided to wear a hoodie every day in June? What’s going on under there? Do you think Ava Gardner ever wore a hoodie?”
“Dad, I’m twelve!” she cried, and then ran into her room and slammed the door.
How could she possibly go to school and face Jeff Jackson and Jennifer Halverson and all the rest of them? Not only did she have thick white feathers all down her arms and across her shoulders and back, but now the skin around the feathers seemed to be wrinkling, drying up, separating. It was getting worse! And even more gross, which hadn’t seemed possible the day before. By this time next week she could look just like Big Bird.
The hoodie hid everything, but on top of looking totally ridiculous in this weather, it also made her look like she’d gained twenty pounds.
Which she hadn’t. At least not yet.
“Ava, you are going to school if I have to drag you there by that ridiculous hood!” her father yelled, banging on the door. “You have less than two weeks left, all your exams, and no child of mine is going to fail the seventh grade!”
“How can they fail me for being sick!” she yelled back, from behind the door.
She knew she was being ridiculous, but what was she supposed to do? It was all so unfair!
“Ava, we both know you are not sick. If you’d tell me what is actually going on, I could possibly help you. You can tell me anything, you know. Whatever’s going on with you. I am an adult and fairly intelligent as well.”
“You can’t help me!” she said, throwing open the door. A dramatic gesture worthy of a movie star, she thought, Ava Gardner flashing through her mind. “You would never understand!”
Her father rolled his eyes and threw up his hands. “You’re not even a teenager yet, Ava. What am I going to do with you? Now get dressed and I’m taking you to school myself.”
“Fine,” she said, slamming the door shut again and throwing herself onto her bed.
She would just have to wear hoodies every day until school was over and then she had the whole summer to lock herself in her room—well, maybe hang out in the backyard, and in the woods, and in the den in front of the big-screen television, and maybe at Grandma Kay’s house, though only if her father dropped her off and she rode in the trunk of the car—to be a freak by herself. And after that? She’d obviously have to run off and join the circus.
That wasn’t a bad idea, she realized. Imagining herself, suddenly, covered in white feathers, her black hair piled on top of her head, riding around on the top of an elephant. The crowds would laugh and roar and applaud as she guided the elephant around the ring. Maybe she’d stand on the elephant’s back and wave a baton with tassles on the end the whole time. Tassles on fire.
“Ava!”
“I’m coming!” she said, jumping up from the bed and throwing on her hoodie and a pair of jeans, a feather drifting to the ground behind her.
She grabbed her school bag and her cell phone, which she flipped open for the first time in two days. She’d finally silenced it the night before to avoid Morgan’s calls. Now she had thirty-one missed calls, and nearly twenty text messages. At least Morgan loved her. Morgan was like her sister. Maybe Morgan would still love her when she turned into a giant bird.
“WHERE RU?” was the last text.
Ava wrote back. “Was sick, coming today.”
She spent the rest of the ride deleting her in-box, one message from Morgan after another, until they pulled up to the front of the ugly gold brick building with the words HOUGHTON MIDDLE SCHOOL across it.
“Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it?” Ava’s father asked, turning to her. “Or at least take off that hood?”
He looked so loving and worried. She felt terrible for him suddenly. Not only had he lost his wife and never really even looked at another woman since, but now his daughter was covered in feathers and very likely going to join the circus or go live in a cave. On impulse, she reached over and kissed his cheek.
“I’ll think about it, Dad,” she said. “Thank you for driving me to school and caring so much about my education even though I am deathly ill.”
He laughed. “No problem, kiddo. I love you, too. Now go knock ’em dead.”
The school loomed up in front of her, kids standing all around and ha
nging out on the front steps. She took a deep breath. It was worse than she thought. It was as if no one had ever seen a girl in a hoodie on a hot June day before. She walked hunched over, with her head down, but she could still feel everyone staring.
It was hot. High of ninety degrees, the weather forecast had said. Already she was starting to sweat, which made her feathers stick together. As if she didn’t feel like enough of a freak already. Everyone else was dressed as if they were living in a California beach town rather than the center of Pennsylvania. Louis Woods was even wearing a surfer shirt that hung to his orange fake-tanned legs. Ridiculous.
And right there by the front doors, Jeff Jackson was standing alone. She glanced up and met his eyes. He was staring at her. She could feel herself blushing wildly. He had to think she was completely mad after what had happened, not to mention hideous and deformed and totally impolite. But to her surprise, he smiled and waved.
Immediately she looked down, and then caught herself and looked up again, forcing herself to wave back. Ava Gardner would have waved back. The circus star who could stand on an elephant and twirl batons would have waved back. She forced herself to keep walking, even though every instinct told her to turn around and run. Her heart was pounding in her chest. What if feathers started spilling from her body and onto the ground?
He obviously wanted to talk to her. He was actually smiling and gesturing for her to come over.
Nervously, she walked toward him. She wracked her mind for something to say, to explain her strange behavior at the lake. Maybe she could explain that her body had been temporarily taken over by extremely dorky aliens? Maybe he found it charming that she lacked any kind of social grace?
As she walked toward him, a group of girls burst out of the front doors of the school and skipped down the stairs. Within seconds Jeff was surrounded.
“Jeff!” they called, giggling. “What’s going on?” one voice in particular asked. Jennifer Halverson’s voice. Of course.
Jeff gave Ava a small smile and a shrug as Jennifer threw her arms around him.