“And me!” Seth said quickly. “I’m her uncle, I want to be a part of her life.”
“You work 80 hours a week,” I snapped. “And that’s on a good week. She needs more. She deserves more.”
And maybe I did, too, a voice whispered.
He stared at me, his expression confused.
“You’ve changed.”
I glared at him, exasperated.
“Of course I’ve fucking changed. I’m a father now.”
“Don’t go, Luka,” he said, gripping my wrist.
I shrugged him off. “I don’t have a choice.”
“There’s always a choice. And . . .”
“And what?”
“Sarah’s doing much better now.”
“Great,” I muttered, aware that I sounded like an asshole.
“She wants to see Beth.”
“Tell her to call me.”
“Luka . . .”
“No! Fuck her! I know she’s been ill, but she abandoned us without a backward glance. She left that fucking party with James. She’s been gone nearly three months and I haven’t heard a fucking thing. Jesus, I’ve spoken to your mother more than . . . if Sarah wants to see Beth, I won’t stop her. But she has to call me.”
Seth blew out a breath and looked away from me.
“She wants to come home. Back here.”
I froze, the charger for my phone slipping from my fingers. How many times had I hoped to hear those words? But from her, not from her brother. And not recently.
“Why? Why now?”
He frowned. “Why? Because . . .” and he shrugged helplessly. “For Beth. For you. With you.”
I stared at him, stunned. “What about us—you and me?”
He hung his head. “We could still see each other.”
What? I couldn’t understand what he was saying.
And then I did.
Rage, pure rage tore through me.
“Are you fucking kidding me? You want me to have an affair with you behind your sister’s back?”
Maybe I did have morals after all.
“I’m sorry. Shit! I don’t know what I’m saying. But Sarah needs you . . .”
I shook my head. “No.”
“Luka?”
“No, I can’t Seth. You and I, we have something. I thought we had something. But you want me to get back with your sister? Do you even know what that sounds like? I can’t believe you!” I paused, breathing heavily. “And I don’t trust her. If she ran off once, she could do it again.”
He chewed his lip for a moment. “Technically, this is her flat.”
I turned slowly to stare at him. “She wants me out?”
His eyes dropped to the table. “She wants to come home.”
I stomped into the kitchen to make up a fresh batch of formula. He trailed behind me, his expression upset and guilty.
“We’re leaving anyway,” I snapped. “She can have the apartment.”
“What will you do when the tour is over?”
I shrugged. A lifetime could happen in six months.
“Tell your sister to call me about seeing Beth. I’ll fix something up.”
Much as it killed me to admit it, my daughter had a right to know her mother.
He rubbed his hands over his cheeks nervously.
“I’ll tell her.”
But she didn’t call—she turned up the next morning. And she used her door key. I knew it was her apartment, but fuck, it felt wrong.
I’d just finished dressing Beth after her bath, and I’d planned on taking her to the park in her stroller.
“Hi, Luka.”
I stared up at her.
She’d spoken to me but her eyes were fixed on Beth.
Her hair was longer and she’d lost the baby weight that she’d gained. She looked healthier, too, but I noticed that her hands were shaking.
“Aren’t you going to say anything?” she asked.
“I don’t know what to say. I didn’t think you’d come.”
She bit her lip, looking away from Beth quickly as her gaze skittered around the apartment, taking in everything that had changed.
“Can I hold her?”
I nodded reluctantly and placed Beth in her arms. Her little face scrunched in confusion, but she lay quietly.
“She’s grown so much, I can’t believe it!”
My face was rigid as I fought to point out that babies grew a lot in two months.
“She’s got so much hair! And she’s not crying.”
“Not as much. She’s a good baby.”
“You’re a good father.”
The words sounded forced and unwilling, so I didn’t comment.
“I want to come back. I want to be Beth’s mother. I’ll do it properly this time.”
I stared at her skeptically.
“I mean it. I can do this. I wasn’t well, but I’m better now.”
Maybe she was, but she had a long way to go before I’d trust her with my daughter. Fuck! Our daughter.
“And I want to come back home.”
“It’s your apartment.”
“Yes, it is.”
“Can you give me a couple of weeks?”
“You’re still going to Chicago?”
I glared at her. “Of course I am! And so is Beth.”
“No.”
“What?”
“I won’t let you take my daughter away from me, Luka.”
I was so angry, I had to clench my fists to keep the rage tight inside.
“You left us! You ran out! This is the first time in three months that you’ve seen Beth. Even your mother made the effort! There’s no way you get a say in this!”
“Luka, please! I’m her mother and I love her. I made a mistake. Don’t shut me out. I won’t let you.”
I breathed deeply, forcing myself to control every turbulent emotion that felt like acid in my blood.
“You can visit us,” I said tightly. “On tour.”
Sarah shook her head. “Not good enough. I won’t let you take my daughter away.”
“She doesn’t even know who you are!” I shouted, making Beth’s eyes pop open.
She started to cry, and I saw Sarah’s back stiffen.
“You have to go,” I said, my words harsh and low.
Then I took Beth from her arms and turned my back on her.
“Don’t cry, princesa. Daddy’s here.”
I didn’t watch Sarah leave. I wondered later if her mother had brought her here. I never found out, because two days later, I got a Summons.
Sarah wanted full custody of Beth.
“SHE’S GOING TO take me to court.”
I glanced up, but Seth didn’t look shocked.
“You knew,” I said tiredly. “Of course you did.”
We were laying in bed after some hot and frenzied fucking. All we seemed to do was tear each other’s clothes off and fuck like bastards. We didn’t talk anymore. I really missed that. But there were too many dangerous words between us, and we were both afraid to have a real conversation.
Until now.
I rolled out of bed and started dressing quickly, resentment igniting my anger. Whose side was he on? As if I needed to ask.
“I’m really sorry, Luka. I tried to talk them out of this, but once they get an idea in their heads, it’s hard to make them be rational. They’re so alike.” He blew out a breath. “What will you do?”
“I don’t know. Fight them? I can’t let them take Beth.”
Seth smiled sadly, but it was wrong, off-center.
“You’re a great father, Luka. You’ve surprised everyone, including yourself.”
His words stung. What did I know about being a father? Mine had never had much interest in me and it was my babica who raised me. I was doing my best with Beth. She seemed happy, and only woke once or twice a night now. She was healthy and gaining weight all the time. I knew it was going to get harder, but I was doing it. Which was more than I could say for Sarah. I couldn’t forgiv
e her for running away when things got too hard, even though I knew she was depressed.
Seth touched my arm lightly.
“It’s because they’re worried about you taking her out of the country when you go on tour.”
I bristled immediately.
“You told them, didn’t you? That’s why she came over.”
He nodded guiltily.
“Sarah knew you would go. She had a right to know when.”
“She gave up her rights the moment she left us! You said you’d be there for me! I trusted you, Seth!”
“Don’t do the tour, Luka. Stay in London. That’s where Beth’s family is.”
I stared at him coldly.
“I’ve hired Marcie to come on the tour. She’s a qualified childminder. We’ll get all the support we need when we’re traveling—Ash is making sure of it.”
He closed his eyes briefly.
“Do you really think it’s right to take a baby as young as that on tour?”
“Why not? She’ll be with her father. I’ll spend more time with her than most new fathers! It’s not like I’ll be working 14 hours a day.” Like you.
Seth frowned. “Fair point, but I don’t think Mother will see it like that. She wants her first grandchild with her.”
“She’s the grandmother, not one of her parents, for fuck’s sake!”
“I’m just telling you how she’s thinking.”
“She’s the one talking Sarah into this, isn’t she?”
Seth sighed. “Sarah is very vulnerable at the moment. She’s not sure what to do. But you refusing to have her back, it’s made her . . . bitter.”
“Does she know about us?”
Seth’s eyes widened in panic. “No! And she’s not going to! We agreed.”
“For now,” I muttered.
“Luka . . .”
“Christ, no! Okay! I’ll be your dirty little secret! Again. When you feel like growing a pair of fucking balls, let me know.”
“That’s not fair!”
“The fact that your sister and mother are trying to take my daughter away is unfair!” I roared.
He scrubbed his hands over his face. “This is getting us nowhere. You should get a solicitor.”
“Yeah, like I can afford that,” I jeered. “Childcare for the time at the theater costs £40—for three fucking hours because she charges extra for the late nights. And she’s still doing me a favor at that price.”
Seth looked away. “I’ve got money,” he said quietly.
“I’m not taking your money.”
“But . . .”
“They’d use it against me. They’d just have to say that I couldn’t afford to look after Beth . . . and they’d find out about you.”
Seth grimaced.
“All rise for Judge Peyton.”
I swallowed and stood, my arms feeling empty without Beth in them, gazing at the woman who’d decide our fate.
I’d felt reasonably confident until this morning. I knew that as the birth mother, Sarah would automatically have custody and I’d be the one needing to seek any rights in a court, but because she’d been gone from Beth’s life for so long . . . well, I was hopeful. They had to give Beth to me. She wouldn’t even remember Sarah. It would be obvious to everyone that Beth needed to stay with me. She needed me.
But now, sitting in front of the judge, all my confidence crumbled away. Fuck, I should have gotten a lawyer.
Seth had bought me a suit to wear for my first ever court appearance. It was the only thing I’d let him pay for. I resisted the urge to tug at the tie around my neck, feeling choked and worried.
From the corner of my eye, I saw Sarah’s mother lean forward to speak to her sharply as she stood staring at me.
The judge was in her sixties, wearing a dark blue blazer and a neutral expression. She nodded at the court usher and took her seat as silence settled around us.
She glanced down at me.
“Mr. Kokot?”
“Yes, ma’am?”
“Do you have legal representation?”
“No, ma’am.”
She raised her eyebrows.
“I see. And Miss Lintort?”
A man in a sharp gray suit stood up and smiled. “Nathaniel Jones, Your Honour.”
My heart was pounding and my hands were sweating. I wiped them discreetly against the suit pants, and tried to calm the fuck down. It was impossible.
“Mr. Kokot, you are employed as a dancer in a West End musical.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“I understand that this contract is to be terminated shortly, at your request.”
How the fuck did she know that?
I was stunned. Only one person knew that I’d already told Arlene and Kathryn no, and that I was heading to Chicago.
I turned to stare at Seth. His face was flushed, but he was staring straight ahead, refusing to look at me. And then it hit me: he’d told them everything. Everything.
All this time, he’d been setting me up.
I didn’t want to believe it.
“Not exactly, ma’am. I was employed on a short-term contract as a replacement for another dancer who had a fractured metatarsal.”
“Hmm, I understand that you had been offered a permanent contract at one point, which you chose to turn down in favor of a job in the United States where you will be touring for several months.”
I glanced at Seth again, anger in my eyes, but he refused to look at me.
I cleared my throat and turned back to the judge.
“Yes, but I’d already agreed to do the tour of Life Circles in the U.S. That came first. And it pays better,” I added lamely. “It’s better for my career.”
“If he takes Beth out of the country, there’s no knowing what’ll happen to her,” Mrs. Lintort said forcefully from the seat behind Sarah, while the lawyer guy tried to shut her down.
“What does that mean?” I snapped. “I wasn’t the one who ran off and left her!”
“My daughter was suffering from postnatal depression, as you well know. She has since sought treatment,” Mrs. Lintort said haughtily, shrugging off the solicitor’s arm.
“Miss Lintort will have her turn to speak,” said the judge, frowning over the top of her wire-rimmed glasses. “I want to hear from Mr. Kokot.” She turned her hawk-like gaze on me. “How did you meet Miss Lintort?”
I explained how Sarah and I had been friends, touring with Slave. And how that had all fallen apart after Beth was born.
“I understand that you requested Miss Lintort to get rid of the fetus?”
I sucked in a breath. “No! I never said that. I asked Sarah if she was keeping the baby, that’s all.”
“You called her ‘it’,” Sarah muttered.
I gripped the edge of the table. “We didn’t know she’d be a girl,” I snapped at her.
Her eyes dropped to her lap and I felt like such a shit.
“Mr. Kokot, you are not named on Beth’s birth certificate.”
My mouth dropped open. “I’m not?” How the fuck had I not known that?
Her sharp eyes locked on mine and I thought I saw a flicker of emotion in them.
“No. And this means that legally, Miss Lintort automatically has full custody in normal circumstances.”
My world dropped away.
“I didn’t know! I didn’t think! I have no rights? None? But . . . I’m her father! All this time—I was the only one who cared for her!”
“You may apply to this court for a parental responsibility order . . .”
“How long will that take? I have to be in Chicago . . .”
“Which brings me to another point,” said the judge. “My main concern is for Beth’s best interests, so I also have to consider the stability of home-life that you can offer your daughter,” she said. “We’ve already clarified that you intend to be touring for several months, during which time Beth wouldn’t see her mother or grandmother.”
“They could fly out!” I said, feeling a se
nse of desperation begin to climb from my stomach to my throat.
“Yes, and it seems to be very much a part of yours and Miss Lintort’s previous lifestyles, however, I have to consider what is best for Beth.”
“I’m best for Beth!”
She shuffled her papers.
“I’d like to talk to you for a moment, Miss Lintort.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“I understand that you’ve been living with your mother for the past three months.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“And how much contact have you had with Beth during that time?”
Sarah’s eyes glossed with tears.
“Luka . . . Mr. Kokot made it so difficult . . .”
“That’s not true!” I yelled out.
The judge threw me a baleful look. “You will allow Miss Lintort to speak without interruption,” she ordered.
I sank back into my seat, furious at Sarah’s blatant lie. I glanced at her solicitor and guessed from his quietly satisfied expression that he’d coached her with that answer.
“In what way were things difficult?” asked Judge Peyton.
“He wouldn’t bring Beth to see me, even though he knew I . . . wasn’t well. But I’m much better now. I’m doing really well.”
“Yes, I have read the letter from Dr. Khatri.”
“Thank you. Luka . . . Mr. Kokot made it really difficult for me before I . . . he was always hovering when I tried to be with Beth, like he didn’t think I could do anything right. It . . . he made me anxious. He was always taking over.”
That didn’t sound coached. Was it true? Was that how I’d made her feel?
I tried to think back to those early, sleep-deprived days and nights. We were new parents, stumbling around learning to cope, trying to do the right thing. I knew Sarah struggled, but I had, too.
And I wasn’t the one who ran the fuck away!
“Miss Lintort, I have to say that I have grave doubts. If your mother had not visited regularly, I would be strongly considering making Beth a Ward of Court.”
Sarah paled and clutched her mother’s hand.
“I must give this some very serious consideration.”
When Judge Peyton retired to consider the evidence, I couldn’t stay in the room, watching Mrs. Lintort talk confidently to their solicitor, while Seth and Sarah stared silently at each other.
Marcie was waiting outside with Beth. As soon as she saw me, she started gurgling, waving her chubby fists at me.