‘Oh, bloody hell.’ Dan stood at the living-room door, shielding his eyes. I didn’t know whether to be ecstatically happy or mortified that I was wearing my minxish new lingerie. I suppose it was better to flash someone in the lingerie of a burlesque performer as opposed to that of your average nan. He quickly pulled off his jumper and threw it in my general direction. It was just about within the scope of my understanding that I was supposed to put it on.
‘I’m sorry,’ I squealed, my head lost inside the soft fabric. ‘I’m so sorry. I thought everyone was gone.’
‘I came back for my keys.’ He peered through his fingers. ‘The door wasn’t shut properly.’
I nodded at my toes. Well, this was awkward.
‘You all right?’
I looked up. What a bloody stupid question.
‘You’re so much better than this, you know.’ He gestured around the living room. Was he slating my decorating? Was he slating his decorating? ‘You’re not some prematurely middle-aged housewife. You’re not boring. You’re amazing.’
‘I’m prematurely middle-aged?’ It took a minute for the second part of the sentence to filter through. ‘I’m amazing?’
‘Yeah, like, you should still be doing better jobs,’ Dan said quickly. ‘Not just sticking to the local stuff because you’ve got to get home and cook your boyfriend’s tea. I think this whole break-up thing is going to be good for you.’
‘Right.’ I ignored the crushing disappointment in my chest and pulled the jumper down to my knees. ‘Well, maybe I like being at home to cook my boyfriend’s tea?’ This didn’t feel like the time to mention the fact that I hadn’t cooked Simon’s tea once in five years.
‘Or maybe you should come on the Sydney job with me,’ he added. ‘The people they’ve suggested so far are shit.’
Sydney! This was where I was supposed to be jumping up and down with joy but my feet were glued to the spot. The room was still lit by fairy lights and the remains of Mathew’s cheesecake sat on the table between us. The birthday candle wicks, black and fuzzy.
‘I talked to Veronica about it,’ I said. ‘She’s going to put me forward, I think.’
‘You’ll get it. You’re one of the best out there, you know,’ he said, leaving the safety of the doorway and walking over to where I stood, swamped by his huge sweater. I really was a short-arse.
‘And you’re funny,’ he went on. ‘You’re clever, you’re unpredictable and, with some training, you could make a half-decent painter’s mate.’
And I was lost for words. ‘Thanks?’
‘You don’t need to check things off a list to teach you how to be amazing.’ He was standing right in front of me. Close enough for me to notice he hadn’t shaved. Close enough for me to notice dark circles under his eyes. Close enough to smell his shampoo. ‘You’ll have a new boyfriend before you can blink.’
I blinked.
And then Dan kissed me.
It was short and soft and very brief but I still panicked. Pulling away sharply I clapped my hand over my mouth and locked my wide eyes on his. That was a definite kiss, not just an awkward swoop like at The Savoy. Definite lip on lip. But Dan didn’t move. He just stood there, looking at me, all soft brown eyes, full lips and chocolate curls resting on his cheekbones. He didn’t apologize; he didn’t say anything. Instead, he took my hand in his, held it down by my side and kissed me again. And this time, I didn’t stop him.
The hand that wasn’t holding on to mine brushed my cheek before the fingers curled around my face, weaving themselves lightly into my hair. His lips were soft and the gentle kisses quickly began to build into something more as my body responded. My brain was still back in the bathroom trying to work out how to get the loo roll back on the holder, and I was quite happy for it to stay there. Its services were not required. My hands reached up around his neck, combing through his curls, my feet pushing me up onto tiptoes to better reach his kisses. This was insane. I was kissing Dan. But my heart was beating loudly in my ears, determined to drown out the voice in my head that kept saying this was stupid and whiskey-fuelled and that I’d regret it in the morning, I just couldn’t find the words to make him stop. Because I really didn’t want him to.
Instead, I let Dan pick me up until my toes were off the ground, and push me backwards against my big fluffy sofa cushions, the warm weight of his body settling on top of me. His lips were still firmly fixed to mine but his hands began to wander, sliding underneath his whisper-soft jumper, settling on my lower back. At first.
‘I have thought about this for so long,’ he whispered, starting a trail of kisses from my ear all the way down my neck. I still didn’t have words but my broken breath seemed to be enough. In lieu of words, I reluctantly pulled my hands out of his hair and ran them across his broad shoulders, tracing the muscles in his back. Lugging around all the camera equipment really had made for a great daily workout. He felt so solid and strong. Loosening his tie, he unfastened his top two buttons before putting his hands to work elsewhere.
‘Oh,’ I squeaked, opening my eyes in surprise. ‘Cold hands.’
‘Sorry,’ he said, a small smile in his voice, but I could tell he didn’t mean it. Mostly because he was too busy trying to take off the jumper that he’d given me to put on five minutes before. ‘Do you wear this under those leggings every day?’
‘No.’ My voice sounded breathless and strange. ‘Or yes? Actually yes.’
Compared to the other whoppers I’d been banging out lately, it was only a tiny white lie.
‘Amazing.’ His fingertips grazed the lace trim of my underwear before he went back to relieving himself of his own clothes. The sound of a fly being unzipped was apparently what it was going to take to bring me to my senses. Dan was my friend. I was very recently single. But his strong hands on my soft skin felt so amazing. I was upset about Simon’s phone call. This wasn’t real. My legs slid up around his waist while his jeans slid down towards the floor. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d felt so wanted. The last time I’d wanted someone just as much. But this really was just about the stupidest thing I could do, besides going outside and dragging a stranger in from the street. I couldn’t do this.
‘I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to do this at work,’ he said. ‘Just drop my camera and push you up against the wall and just … for years …’ Dan’s words trailed off into low moans and I felt teeth on my earlobe. Rowr.
‘Really?’ I heard myself. I sounded surprised. Back in the bathroom, my brain acknowledged that yes, this was in fact a surprise. It also wanted to come back into the living room but I wasn’t ready to let it in yet.
‘Really.’ He pushed himself up on one elbow and looked down at me with dark, heavy, dilated eyes. I pressed one hand across his chest, feeling his heart beating hard. This was it, last chance to be sensible. ‘I’ve wanted to be with you for so long. I’ve waited for so long.’
Everything was just starting to get hot and loud and blurred when I heard my phone trilling loudly in the bedroom.
‘Ignore it,’ Dan murmured, pinning my wrists above my head.
‘It’s Emelie’s ring.’ I arched my back and felt a shudder run all the way down from the top of my head to my toes. ‘I should answer it.’
‘She’ll get the hint.’ He buried his face in my neck and oh, there was the earlobe thing again. This was wildly unfair. ‘Please.’
But I knew Emelie wouldn’t give in. And if I didn’t tell her I was OK, she’d only come home to check what was going on. And that was the last thing I needed because, quite honestly, I had no idea myself. ‘One second.’ I reluctantly pushed his hands away and found the floor with my feet. ‘Just one second.’
I picked the jumper up off the floor and pulled it on, readjusting my bra strap as I went. Worth every bloody penny, I thought as I dashed into the bedroom as fast as my wobbly knees would let me. My iPhone glowed in the darkness with three missed calls, all in the last five minutes, all from Emelie. As I picked it up, the p
hone buzzed into life.
‘Hey,’ I answered quickly. ‘I’m fine, I just really can’t talk right now, I—’
‘Rachel, that cheesecake you made, did it have walnuts in it?’ Emelie cut me off. ‘Matthew’s face is like, fifteen times bigger than it should be.’
‘Oh, fuck.’ I pressed my hand to my mouth. ‘I didn’t check the biscuits. I totally forgot about his nut thing.’
‘He’s going to be OK, we’re on our way to the hospital,’ she replied. ‘I just need to know what to tell the doctor.’
‘Hasn’t he got his shot thing with him?’ I ran past a semi-naked Dan and into the kitchen, looking for the spare epi-pen I kept in case of emergencies. Of which we’d already had two this year. Matthew wasn’t nearly as careful as he should be, but I couldn’t believe I’d been so stupid.
‘He didn’t bring it; he said his jeans were too tight and it made him look like he had a permanent skinny hard-on.’
‘Of course he did. I’m on my way.’
‘You don’t have to come,’ Em said. ‘We’re almost there.’
‘Yeth thee doth,’ I heard Matthew lisp in the background. ‘I’m goin’ to thlap her.’
‘I’m on my way.’ And back through the living room, ignoring the beautiful man on the sofa and into the bedroom. Jeans. I needed jeans. I’d poisoned my best friend on his birthday. This was a new level of fail.
‘Hey, I – oh my.’
On my third trip back to the living room, I was greeted with the sight of Dan, stretched out on the sofa, shirt fully unfastened and revealing the previously unexpected chest hair scattered across. His jeans were gone, boxers on, but failing to completely conceal something else previously unexpected but hotly anticipated. Gosh.
‘Everything OK?’ he asked. He was obviously a comfortable semi-naked person. But, to be fair, he had good reason to be. ‘Come here.’
‘This is not good timing, I realize.’ I was well aware that I was to go nowhere near the sofa. Instead, I clung to the doorframe, keeping a good and safe few feet between us. I must have picked my brain up somewhere en route. ‘But I have to go. Matthew has this nut allergy and he was allergic to the cheesecake and he’s on his way to hospital. I’m so sorry.’
I really, really was.
‘Isn’t Emelie with him?’ Dan sat up and reached for my hand, pulling me back down towards him. My safety range was nearly safe enough. ‘You look adorable in that jumper, by the way. Now take it off.’
‘Dan, I really have to go, it’s serious,’ I sighed, weaving my hands into his hair. The theory was to stop him from moving his kisses anywhere more persuasive, but it just seemed to encourage him. I felt his breath on my neck and almost melted away altogether. ‘Really, I have to go to the hospital.’
When I failed to reciprocate, he pulled away, the glazed glittering fading from his eyes.
‘Seriously? You have to go right now?’
At last.
‘I have to go right now.’ I nodded, thankful I’d put jeans on before I came back into the living room. The more layers of fabric between us, the better.
‘Fine, give me a minute and I’ll go with you.’ He started buttoning up his shirt.
‘No, don’t worry. You can let yourself out.’ My handbag sat on the floor beside the sofa in its usual hiding spot. I picked it up, slung it across myself and quickly checked my cash situation. Just enough to get a taxi. If I could get a taxi. ‘Um, I’ll talk to you later?’
‘Rachel, I want to come,’ Dan said, shuffling into his jeans. ‘My car is outside, I’ll drive.’
‘Don’t be silly.’ I already had a hand on the door. This was getting more awkward by the second. I obviously wasn’t made for one-night stands, friends with benefits, or whatever the hell this would have become. ‘Really, it’s OK.’
‘Will you just stop for a second.’ He raised his voice just enough for me to notice. ‘I want to drive you to the hospital. I want to come with you.’
I stopped for a moment. This was just too much. I needed to get outside, clear my head.
‘You don’t have to be all – like – decent.’ As soon as the word was out of my mouth, I knew it was a mistake. ‘This was, whatever, but I have to go.’
‘I don’t have to be decent?’
He grabbed his tie from the floor and shoved it into his pocket. I stared awkwardly at my tattoo. I would never regret getting it: what an amazing lifelong distraction.
‘What is that supposed to mean?’ he demanded. ‘Am I not decent? Do you think I have to try to behave like a decent human being?’
‘No, it’s just that you don’t have to do that,’ I said to the floor. ‘It’s not like you’re my boyfriend or anything. I can get to the hospital on my own.’
‘What am I, Rachel?’ he asked quietly. ‘Tell me what I am to you exactly. What you think this is?’
‘You’re Dan,’ I replied with a heavy sigh. ‘And this is what you do. And we’re friends and it was stupid of me to let it go this far. Because we’re friends.’
‘I’m Dan?’ he laughed. ‘I’m your dickhead mate, Dan. Good enough for a fumble on the sofa but not good enough to drive you to the hospital when you need someone. Not good enough to be your boyfriend because nothing means anything to Dan.’
‘Don’t.’ I was itching to leave. And to stop feeling so incredibly horrible. ‘I know you think—’
‘How do you know what I think?’ He forced his feet into his trainers. ‘You haven’t got a fucking clue what I think.’
‘I need to go.’
That much was true. In the space of five minutes I’d gone from wanting to be as close as physically possible to this man, right through to as far away as human endeavour would allow. That and Matthew could be dead for all I knew. It was more likely that his tongue had swollen to the size of a double-decker bus and he was cursing my name, but still.
‘Fine, but let me get this straight.’ He pushed his hair back out of his face and came closer. ‘So that, just then, it was just what – a quick shag?’
‘Dan, don’t.’
‘Something to cross off the list?’
Had I missed something? Had it gone in?
This time my silence was not a positive.
‘Wow. Thanks Rachel.’ He pushed past me and headed straight for the front door. ‘I really did not think you were like this.’
‘I’m not like this!’ I threw my hands in the air. ‘I don’t even know what this is. You’re the one that’s like this!’
‘Like what exactly?’ he said, opening the door. ‘All I know is I’m an idiot.’
‘Look. This isn’t making a lot of sense. I need to leave. You obviously want to leave. Can we just pretend this never happened?’
‘Maybe we should just pretend I don’t even know you.’ He gave me a filthy look from the doorway. ‘Because, apparently, I don’t.’
The door slammed behind him, making me jump. He got the last word as always. I didn’t have time to try to work out what had just happened. Or almost happened. I had a fun Saturday night in A&E to look forward to.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Between the events on the sofa, the row, and a variety of drunken dickheads jumping in front of my taxi at every given opportunity, it took me the best part of an hour to get to the hospital after Emelie called. And by the time I’d convinced the receptionist to tell me where they had stashed Matthew (I wasn’t family and, she’d met him, he blatantly didn’t have a girlfriend) he was already in a bed, wearing an attractive green smock and with a face like swollen thunder.
‘Hi,’ I said cautiously, holding out the epi-pen. It was not going to be sufficient defence if he decided to beat the crap out of me. ‘How are you feeling?’
‘Ike I migh’ die,’ he lisped. His light blue eyes were red and puffy and his tongue was huge. If I hadn’t been directly responsible, it would have been quite funny.
‘He’s exaggerating,’ Em said. She sat on the other side of him, her legs stretched out along the bed. ‘
The doctor said it was a minor reaction, like the factory that made the biscuits processed nuts rather than that the cake had nuts in it. He’s not going to die. He didn’t even have to stay in overnight, but he reckons A&E gets a lot of hotties at this time of night.’
‘Gay danthing injurieth,’ Matthew confirmed. His face was already starting to calm down. Disappointing, since I hadn’t even taken a photo yet.
I settled into the hard plastic chair beside the bed and tipped my head back, eyes closed. ‘Thank god. Honestly, I spent the entire taxi ride convincing myself you were going to die. All the way here, all I could think about was how I was going to explain to your mum that you died because I can’t cook.’
‘Are you all right?’ Emelie asked, dropping her head on Matthew’s shoulder, only to have it unceremoniously shoved away when a beautiful boy in skinny yellow jeans and a neon pink T-shirt was wheeled onto the ward, one leg propped up, the other clad in a matching pink Converse. ‘I was worried you might have gone to find another supermodel to punch.’
‘That was you,’ I reminded her. ‘No, tonight I settled for nearly giving Dan a quickie on the settee.’
Silence.
‘Thpill,’ Matthew demanded.
‘He came back to get …’ Bag? Keys? Couldn’t quite remember. ‘… something and he sort of kissed me and then you called so I said I had to leave and he kicked off.’
‘Because you had to come and visit your friend in the hospital?’ I couldn’t remember the last time I’d seen Emelie so excited. ‘What a knob. But more importantly, how was it?’
‘Weird, he was totally pissed off.’ I frowned. ‘Like, mad that I wasn’t totally in love with him or something.’