Hayden must have lied about his marriage being over. Why else would his wife want to talk to me? Served me right.
“I’m glad I could finally meet you,” Clare said, taking a sip of water as if this were something she did every day—the talking to the woman who’d slept with her husband, not the water.
I didn’t know what to say. ‘Glad to meet you, too,’ or ‘Your husband talks about you a lot,’ or…
Oh, man. How bad would it be if I just got up and left now?
Before I could decide, Emilia stood. “I’m going to let you guys talk. See you later.” She nodded at me and smiled. What the hell? She’d just set me up for a roasting, and now she was leaving? With me on a spit with an apple in my mouth. I watched her walk away without saying a word. But I stayed. Because I deserved whatever tongue-lashing Clare would give me. If she threw a glass of water, or even a fist, in my face, I would accept it. I hoped Hayden had gotten worse, but I knew what I’d done. And now I had to pay.
“You know who I am?” Clare said.
I kept my gaze down. “Yeah, I know who you are.”
“I’ve wanted to meet you ever since I found out about the two of you.”
“I’m…” I looked her in the eyes because it was the right thing to do. And the least she deserved. “I’m sorry. What happened was…” I glanced at the fork in front of me. Would it be more or less painful to end this conversion by shoving it in my eyeball? “I’m not sure what Hayden told you, but I know he loves you very much and doesn’t want to hurt you. But regardless, he did. I did. And I’m sorry. It’s over now, though. I mean, it barely began really, but it’s totally over now.”
“Oh.” Her brow furrowed. “That’s too bad.”
“Excuse me?”
“What did he do?”
“Um…”
“It couldn’t have been too bad because I don’t think Hayden can do anything too bad, but then, he is a man and men are stupid. Even the good ones. So what did he do to you?”
I shook my head. “He didn’t do anything to me.”
“So you screwed it up?”
I wanted to say no, wanted to scream no. But it would be a lie. “Yeah, I screwed it up.”
“Okay,” Clare said, leaning forward. “From what I know about Hayden and from the look on your face right now, my guess is that you don’t know very much about our marriage. I bet he did that annoyingly noble thing he does and didn’t lay it all out for you. I swear, sometimes he can be the biggest idiot on the face of the earth.”
“No, I am.”
“You guys can fight for the title if you want to, but that’s not why I asked Emilia to set this up.” She sighed. “Right now, Hayden is a total mess. I’ve never seen him even close to this, and he’s been through a lot. I want him to be happy. He’s been nothing but great to me for years, and I’ve been nothing but a burden to him. I need to make it up to him somehow, and the only way I know how is through you. So…if that means I need to help you get your shit together, then that’s what I’ll do.”
Hearing the word ‘shit’ come out of such a sophisticated woman’s mouth threw me a bit. But not nearly as much as the rest of what she’d said. “I’m sure there’s another way to help him that doesn’t involve me.”
“You are the first thing he’s shown any passion about in…probably ever. He liked his job, and it won’t be long until he finds another, but he can do that kind of thing in his sleep. In fact, until recently, I think he did do it in his sleep. He did everything in his sleep. But he’s awake now, and you’re the reason he is. So, now that you understand I’m not in the picture anymore, what’s the problem? Are you mentally unstable? An ax murderer? Frigid?” Her jaw tightened. “Gay?”
“No.” I took a breath. This was all so surreal—Hayden’s wife, or ex-wife, trying to figure out a way to get us together. “I lied to him.”
She shrugged. “So did I. For a lot longer than you could have. But he forgave me. Just tell him the truth.”
What could she have possibly lied about? Whatever it was couldn’t have been as bad as what I had. Our entire relationship, if you could call it that, had started with a lie. “Did you lie about your past, your problems, your life? Who you even are?”
“Yes, yes, yes, and yes. And Hayden forgave me because that’s who he is. Because he can look through all the bullshit and find something in you that you didn’t know existed. Because, even though he’ll never admit it, his heart is as big as the ocean. The problem with Hayden is that he doesn’t let people see it. His walls go on for miles in all directions. But for some reason, he let the two women sitting at this table in. So don’t screw that up because it may never happen again. We can’t do that to him. He deserves to be happy. Really happy. And something in you makes him happy.” She sat back and studied me for a moment. “Well, it did until yesterday. I didn’t understand how much I was holding him back, but now I do. Now he’s finally free to think of himself and what he wants. And, in case you missed it, he wants you.”
“I didn’t mean to hurt him. I want him to be happy, too.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
I wrung the tablecloth in my hands. “I don’t know if I can tell him the truth.”
“Here’s what you do: You suck it up and do it. Either he forgives you and all is well, or he doesn’t.” She sat back in her chair. “Am I supposed to call you Andi or Sara?”
“I’m Andi.” For better or for worse.
“Andi,” she repeated, nodding. “One honest conversation with that man changed my life. It could for you, too.”
The server came over to take our order, but Clare shooed him away. I just sat there. Even if she was right, I couldn’t do it. All I wanted was to run away and not deal with it—my lies, his disappointment, our feelings.
“If you tell him and he ends up hating you,” she said, “then you go your separate ways, never see each other again, and be miserable for a long time. That’s what you’re planning to do right now anyway, isn’t it?” Gee, that was an awesome way to look at it.
“I guess.”
“But if you tell him and he forgives you, then no one has to be miserable.”
I hated that she made sense. But these were emotions, and since when did emotions ever make sense? “It would never work out between us. We’re too different.”
“I think that’s why he fell for you. Because you’re so different.” She took out her wallet, tossed enough money onto the table to cover the bills of our table and the one next to us, and stood. “Come on.”
I got up slowly. I wanted to leave, but not with Clare. “I need to think about it.”
“Time for thinking is long over, my dear. All thinking does is confuse things. Now we act. Well, you act, and I block the door so you can’t escape.”
“I really need to think about it first. Plus, I need to be somewhere in a little while. But I promise to call him.” Eventually.
“One thing you need to know about both Hayden and me is that we don’t give up. So if you’re planning to sneak away and never be heard from again, you should come up with a better plan. It’s like I always say: if you throw enough money at something, you’ll eventually find what you’re looking for.”
“I’m not something you can buy,” I snapped.
Clare smiled. “I know. If you were, he wouldn’t want you so much.” She slid her hand into mine as if we were old friends and led me out of the restaurant.
I was too confused to react, to pull away, to question what Clare was planning. By the time I found my voice again, the valet was pulling Clare’s Mercedes up. “I can’t go with you. Not now.” Or hopefully ever. “I have to be somewhere.”
“I’ll take you there.”
“No.” The last thing I needed was Clare hovering over my shoulder during an interrogation. Although after Clare’s interrogation, I think I’d feel more comfortable with the cops.
“Where is it? I’ll drop you off. Around the corner if you want me to. Unless you’re going
shopping—then I’m going with.”
I stopped. “Why are you doing this?”
“I owe him for the last three years of his life. I’m counting on you to make the next three better.”
I slipped into the passenger side. My heart was racing for all the wrong reasons. Primarily because it was encouraged, hopeful even, and that wasn’t good. Because it meant that I had to come clean to someone who currently believed I was a decent person. And as much as I would love to be with him, I hated the idea that his belief, even from a distance, would no longer exist.
“Where to, Andi?”
Clare’s expression—calm, determined, relentless—gave me strength. I didn’t ask what she’d lied to him about for so long because then I’d have to confess my own sins. And if I could build up the courage to tell the truth, it was going to be a one-shot deal. And it would be to him.
I took a deep breath and gave her the street address, then I added, “It’s the police station.”
Clare’s only reaction was a single nod. “So who is Sira?”
37
Andi
“Like I said, if you throw enough money at something, you can get whatever you want.” Clare’s longer legs meant she only had to take one stride for every two of my shorter ones, but she still struggled to keep up with me. My steps were louder, too—the added bonus of stomping in boots. “Can you slow down a little, Andi?”
Nope. I was too furious. And the faster I got out of the police station, the faster I could freak out without getting shot.
“What is wrong with you?” she asked. “Burton is a great lawyer.”
“Yeah, but he’s not my lawyer. I didn’t hire him, and I can’t pay for him.”
“Andi, you need to calm down. So what if someone else hired him? He’s going to handle everything for you.” Then her voice dropped to a mumble. “If you actually talk to him, that is.”
“He wouldn’t even tell me who was paying him. How am I supposed to trust someone who won’t be honest with me?” Forever trapped in that fucking irony, wasn’t I?
I’d gone in prepared to speak to the police. Instead, some guy in an expensive suit who I’d never seen or spoken to before came in claiming he was my attorney and that I had nothing to say. But I did, and it was so simple, even an idiot like me could’ve done it without assistance. I hadn’t done what I was being accused of. I didn’t know anything about the hacking or the murder. That’s it.
Instead, my new lawyer who wasn’t my lawyer—and whose name wasn’t something Italian sounding, although his suit probably was—shuffled me outside, refusing to let me speak and telling me I should meet him at his office in two hours to talk about the case. My first thought was that Clare had hired him, but she didn’t know anything about me or why I was here. When I saw her in the lobby, unfortunately waiting for me, she looked as lost as I did...almost. The lawyer had files and information on the case, which meant he’d known for at least a few hours.
It had to be Emilia. Again, Emilia had stuck her well-meaning but completely inappropriate nose into my business. I already owed her way too much. Honestly, if I went to jail for breaking the conditions of the agreement I’d signed, that was no less than I deserved. All she was doing was getting herself more involved and making it harder for me to prove that she didn’t know what I’d done.
I glanced at my watch. She’d be heading to the park for her run now. If I waited until she was back home to call, I’d have to steam for another hour. And taking the bus to get there would probably take most of that hour.
I turned to Clare. “If I talk to Hayden in the mood I’m in right now, there’s no way I’ll be able to stay civil. I need to calm down, talk to Emilia, and then calm down some more. Maybe with a drink or two. So can you drive me somewhere else first?”
Clare grimaced. “One stop?”
I nodded.
“Had I known I would be driving so much I would’ve worn different shoes.” She rolled her eyes. “Okay, one stop, but then no more stalling.”
After we’d driven around the park for about ten minutes, we saw Emilia. She was sweating and oblivious to the wrath that was about to outrun her. Clare pulled over to the side of the road, and I jumped out. I stood in the middle of the path, waiting for Emilia to see me. As soon as she did, she slid to a stop, took her earbuds out, and walked forward hesitantly.
“Since you look like you’re about to kill me,” she said breathlessly, “I’m taking that it didn’t go well with Clare.”
I didn’t say anything because what I had to say wasn’t the kind of thing that should be shouted in the middle of a public place.
She stopped just a few feet away. “I knew you wouldn’t be happy I set it up, but I didn’t think you’d be this unhappy.”
“Clare’s really great.”
“Then why are you looking at me like that?”
“I met my lawyer.”
“Good. What’d he say?”
“Not enough.” Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Clare get out of her car and stretch her legs. “I know I have a lot to be thankful for, Emilia, and most of it is because of you. You have done more than I could ever repay.”
“Nothing more than you deserve,” she said as we both stepped off the path. “So why do I think there’s a ‘but’ coming?”
“Because there’s a big but coming, and don’t you dare laugh at the pun.” She didn’t. “I hate that you feel like you have to take care of me all the time. I screwed up. Me. And you trying to fix everything, while appreciated, makes me feel less like your friend and more like a charity case.” Embarrassment heated my skin, made the blood pound in my ears. Emilia shouldn’t have to constantly take care of me as if I were a child. The fact that she felt like she did, made my humiliation unmanageable. “When my best friend doesn’t have enough confidence in me to let me figure things out on my own, it says more bad things about me than good things about her.”
She scratched her head. “I’m not sure what we’re talking about, Andi. Everything went well with Clare, but you’re mad at me?”
“Not about Clare. About the lawyer. Why did you hire him?”
“Now I’m more confused. I didn’t hire you a lawyer. You said you already had one.”
Who else could it have been? I only knew a few people who could pay four-hundred dollars an hour for an attorney, and two of them had just denied having done it. After glancing over to Clare, I closed my eyes. “Hayden.” He already knew. He knew, and he’d tried to fix it with his money. He’d tried to fix me with his money. “How did he find out who I was?”
Her brows came together for a moment, and then her mouth opened a bit. “Oh.” Her cheeks, already reddened by exercise got even redder. “Oh, yeah. Now it makes sense.”
“Not to me it doesn’t.”
“I overheard Sara talking on the phone at the office. It sounded like a personal call and, since you know Sara, you know how hard I try to not hear her personal calls. So I only heard a little, and it didn’t make any sense unless Hayden was on the other end of the line. She says her name at the beginning of every call, so maybe he thought she was you for a second?”
“What did she say?”
“I don’t remember.” Emilia shrugged. “It made no sense, so I shut my door and went back to work. I don’t know what she told him.”
“It doesn’t matter.” I couldn’t be mad at Sara—she probably thought she was helping. She couldn’t possibly have known what she was damaging.
Hayden knew. I’d told him Sara wasn’t my real name, and he’d figured it out. Somehow. Maybe by my address, or my cell number, or any other way I’d let him into my life. He’d taken that and found out everything else because he never gave up. Throw enough money at something…
But he hadn’t called me—he’d hired me a lawyer. Tried to solve my problems while keeping his distance, being professional. Somehow, that made everything worse—no one in my life thought I could solve my own problems.
No, what made it worse w
as that they were right. I’d been hiding behind a glass screen for so long, pretending that was reality, that I was safe and in control. But the only reason I was safe was because the people in my life kept sweeping up my problems for me. All so that I didn’t have to deal with them. So I could stay hidden and not face them.
“I love you, Emilia,” I said. “And I think you’re amazing. But I can’t keep hiding behind you. I need you to be my friend, not my keeper or my shield.” If I was ever going to live, I had to stop hiding behind other people. I had to stop depending on them and start depending on myself.
“Do you know what’s going on?” Emilia asked Clare as she walked toward us.
“I’m taking her to see Hayden.”
I shook my head. “That’s not going to happen. He already knows what I lied to him about.” I’d lied to him about my name, but never about who I really was. Not that it mattered to anyone but me. “He’s better off not hearing from me again.”
I wished…I wished I could start over, not be ashamed to tell him who I was, not hide online because I could be whoever I wanted to be, not who I really was.
It was so easy to pretend your past didn’t exist when you weren’t standing in front of someone, when all they knew was who you were at that exact moment in time.
From behind a screen, I’d been able to spend the last four years of my life actually being me. I could ignore the person I used to be, the stupid, insecure one who wanted to be loved so badly that I’d gone against everything I knew was right.
Clare and Emilia argued and came up with all sorts of scenarios, none of them plausible. I’d told Hayden to go away, but he hadn’t. He’d found out who I really was. What would meeting him accomplish? I didn’t have to stand in front of him to apologize. Plus, I was pretty sure he wouldn’t want me to, now that he knew. He hadn’t called, and I didn’t blame him. Would he really want someone with my past, who’d broken the law again just to be able to work? Reasons were irrelevant, intention useless. I’d deceived him, put Emilia’s ass on the line, and really fucked things up all in the name of doing the right thing. Which was just hilarious, really. Hilarious in an I-want-to-cry-but-not-from-laughter kind of way.