Dawn hid a yawn, and I realized how late it was.
“I’m sorry,” she said, yawning again. “It’s been a really long day and I didn’t sleep well last night. But there are so many other things I want to ask you,” and she smiled up at me, “now that you’re really talking to me.”
“There’s always tomorrow,” I said, hoping it was true.
“Yes, and it’s a holiday and I’m not working, and . . .”
“And what?”
“I was going to ask if you’d like to stay the night.”
Her cheeks flushed pink, but she didn’t look away, her eyes meeting mine. I loved that about her.
I wanted to stay, more than anything. Hell, yeah! But I wanted to build something permanent this time, something that couldn’t be swept away with a single misunderstanding. We both had a lot of baggage. But I’d let Dawn set the pace.
“Only if you’re sure. I want to do it right this time. I want to say yes so badly, but . . . and what about Katie?”
“Katie will be happy to see you,” she smiled. “I can’t guarantee that she won’t say something totally embarrassing, because that seems to be her specialty, but she’ll be happy. She adores you, Alex.”
“Adores me, huh?” I grinned back.
“You know it!” she laughed. “Don’t get big headed about it.”
“I have to take what I can get.”
“So will you?” She smiled shyly. “Will you stay?”
“I think the problem will be getting rid of me,” I said seriously.
I lifted her onto my lap and kissed her the way I’d been wanting to since before she’d begun her long list of questions. I literally ached to touch her, and only when my hands were sliding over her body, did the constriction in my chest begin to loosen.
Her breathing hitched as I shifted underneath her, and then she boldly ran one hand along the front of my jeans. I groaned into her neck, the sound rolling up my throat as she grasped me more firmly.
“I think we’d better go upstairs,” she gasped, the catch in her voice telling me that she wanted this as much as I did.
And because I had her permission now, I stood with her in my arms and carried her up the stairs, claiming her, claiming the right to do this.
She smothered a surprised laugh by pressing her lips against my neck, and that made me almost levitate to the top of the stairs.
“Left,” she whispered.
I pushed her door open with the toe of my boot, but I’d forgotten I was wearing my work boots with the steel toecaps, and the sound echoed down the hallway. We both froze.
But there was no movement from Katie’s room, and I breathed again.
I didn’t get a chance to see if Dawn’s room matched her daughter’s because she locked the door behind us without turning on the light. Hunger and need and desire that felt as sharp as pain ricocheted through me, and as soon as I crashed down onto her bed, we were rolling on it together.
Her hands were greedy as she pulled at my belt, jerking the zipper down violently and releasing my shaft.
I exhaled hard, then pushed her skirt up and her panties down. Her eyes blazed and I kissed her again, our mouths slamming together, teeth and lips and tongues.
My body was shaking with the effort of maintaining some fraying control.
“Don’t,” she said, pressing her finger to my lips. “Don’t hold back. Love me the way you want to.”
Her every touch was a powerful reminder that I was still alive. That I’d survived all the shit, all the pain, the crippling anxiety, the demeaning loss of self.
You can lose everything and everyone, but when you lose yourself, you are truly one of the damned. But somehow, in a haze of meds and despair, Dawn had pulled me back.
I bucked into her and she hissed, her teeth sinking into my neck.
Neither of us lasted long. She cried out as I jerked and swore, and her legs clamped around me.
Sweating and cursing and laughing, we flopped onto our backs. I turned my head to stare at her, with a desire to freeze that perfect moment, when her mouth was open in a wide smile, her eyes tightly shut, her chest heaving. Something both old and new awoke inside me—a fierce need to protect and cherish and love her.
All the loneliness evaporated, and I thought about how an old, tired and ill dog had brought us together.
Thank you, Stan.
The world looked different, fresh and new, with love hovering so close by.
I knew better than to say the words while we were both breathless after sex, after making love. When we were dressed, when we were calm, I’d say the words again, and hope that the block between my heart and my mouth was dissolved forever.
Dawn opened her eyes, and I watched them crinkle as her smile widened.
“That was . . . jeez, Alex! What was that? I’ve never . . . !”
I laughed a little, because I was shaken, as well.
“I’m just getting warmed up,” I said, tugging at the hem of her blouse. “And this needs to come off now.”
I was ashamed that I’d mounted her and thrust until I saw stars while we were both fully dressed. She deserved so much more.
Last time was hard and fast because I was afraid my brain wouldn’t let me finish before the disbelief and urgency that I was really here washed over me.
Now, with the freedom, the permission to explore, I wanted her slowly. I wanted her naked on the bed so I could kiss her warm skin, enjoy the journey, fall in love with the landscape of her again. I wanted to taste her, feel her, make her come on my tongue, in my arms, over and over. I wanted now and tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.
Dawn
The high pitched whine of a motorcycle driving too fast woke me. I stared down at Alex who was still sleeping, his face turned toward me, his hands tucked under the pillow as he lay on his chest.
We’d been awake late. Awake and making love over and over. I shook my head, smiling to myself. Yesterday had been filled with a rush of highs and lows, of storm-tossed emotions and a hurricane of words.
Yesterday, I’d woken up miserable because it was Matthew’s turn to have Katie on Thanksgiving, so I’d volunteered to work. I hadn’t expected to do an emergency surgery on an obstruction of the small bowel for a seven year-old Palomino. Happily, Suki was making a good recovery.
And then, to receive Ashley’s worried message that Alex, of all people, had gone to Katie’s aid because her father was missing!
I’d never been so grateful in my life to hear his calm, reassuring voice over the phone. I definitely hadn’t been feeling calm when I’d finally spoken to Matthew; murderous was probably a better description. He wouldn’t be getting my daughter on Thanksgiving again—my lawyers would see to that. I doubted that he’d fight it very hard. Sometimes I thought he only saw Katie to retain some sort of control over me. But we’d see about that.
And then there was Alex.
How could I explain why this perplexing man was sleeping in my bed after loving me in every wonderful way I could ever have imagined?
I slipped out of bed as quietly as possible and tiptoed to the bathroom, pausing outside Katie’s bedroom, satisfied that she was still sleeping deeply.
Seeing my face in the bathroom mirror, I scowled. My neck and chest were red from Alex’s rough beard, and my breasts and thighs also felt tender. My hair was a disaster, but at least I hadn’t worn makeup yesterday, so there was no day-old mascara stuck to my cheeks. Small mercies.
I brushed my teeth and tugged a comb through my ratty hair, then tiptoed back down the hallway to my bedroom.
Alex wasn’t asleep anymore. Instead, I found him gazing out at the sky, his face catching the slanting rays of winter sunshine.
He turned to smile at me, his eyes darkening to teak as he scanned the thin, silky robe I’d thrown on.
I untied the belt and let it slip from my shoulders. He licked his lips and gave me a sly smile that promised my little striptease would be rewarded.
I’d seen him n
aked, bathed in the weak sunlight of early morning. I’d seen him aroused, taking pleasure in studying his body as he stood proudly before me, his dick dark and straining to reach me.
But now, in the full light of day, stripped of his clothes, unhindered by bedsheets, he was not embarrassed by his arousal. For a man who’d hidden so much of himself, who had struggled with the things that we take for granted—basic human communication—seeing him like this was shaking the scales from my eyes.
He wasn’t someone I had to pity, to feel sorry for. He didn’t need me to hold his hand to make his way in the world. He’d achieved and been successful, and he’d survived terrible losses. He was a man. A proud man. Life had tried to crush him, ruin him, but he was still here, still standing, still fighting. And still so very capable of loving.
I reached out to touch the thick rope of muscle over heavy bone, and felt his flat stomach flutter against my fingers, my caresses teasing him.
“I really need to shower,” he whispered, pulling me toward him and dragging his forefinger down my spine, making me shiver. “Come with me?”
“But . . .”
I stared longingly at the rumpled quilt of my oh-so-comfortable bed.
“I’ll make it worth your while,” he said, as he ran his tongue up my neck, nipping my earlobe.
I grabbed my robe, and he smiled in triumph as he plucked a sheet from the bed and wrapped it around his waist.
Moving stealthily, hand-in-hand, we made our way to the bathroom.
He locked the door and turned on the shower.
He’d had his own way so far, but now I was taking control. So before the water was even lukewarm, I ripped the sheet from his body, slowly sinking to my knees as our eyes locked.
His hands tangled in my hair as I took him in my mouth, trying every trick I’d read about in magazines, hoping to please him.
When his body began to tremble, he gently eased himself out of my mouth, his eyes intense and burning. My knees hurt and my jaw ached, but I would have stayed there, for him.
Shaking his head and grinning, he pulled me under the hot stream of water, steam swirling around us as he spun me to face the cooler tiles, pressing me against them, his fingers working my body, until I felt the slow, thick glide of his shaft inside me.
He built up a steady, powerful rhythm, angling my hips to suit himself, then began moving faster. My legs started to shake and I rested my head against my hands, crying out softly.
He stiffened behind me, one large hand locked on my hip as his thrusts shuddered deeper, and I felt him pulse inside.
It was hot and thick and abundant, his seed. I could feel it beginning to leak out before he’d even finished, running down my inner thighs, washed away with the water. It was intense and arousing to think that this could create a child.
Not now. Not yet. But one day. Maybe.
Breakfast was the most fun I’d had in ages. Katie’s face when she saw Alex sitting at the breakfast table . . . well, for her, Christmas had come early.
“Alex, you’re here!” Katie shrieked happily, then hesitated. “I wish Stan was here, too.”
“I know, Katie-kay. So do I.”
She jumped onto his lap, snuggling into his chest, forgetting that she was all grown up, and for now, happy to be an eight year-old little girl.
“I hoped you’d stay.” Then she narrowed her eyes and gave me a hard stare. “He did stay, didn’t he, Mom? You didn’t send him home all alone last night?”
“He stayed,” I answered simply.
Katie grinned, then slid into her own chair.
“We always have pancakes for holiday breakfasts,” she announced to Alex. “But only with maple syrup and eggs. I don’t eat bacon anymore.”
Alex hid the smile that I was sure lurked at the corner of his lips.
“Your mom’s pancakes are awesome.”
“I help her. I stir the batter.”
“That’s the important part,” Alex teased, making Katie giggle.
“We’re going ice-skating after breakfast,” she said. “Come with us, pleeeeease! It’s going to be amazeballs!”
Alex glanced at me to see if he’d be welcome, and I beamed back.
“That sounds fun,” he smiled. “I’d love to.”
So, once the dishes were stacked away and Alex had made a quick run home to change his clothes, we all piled into my car and headed to the ice rink at New Castle, a 90 minute drive away.
Poor Alex.
He was initiated into the estrogen-filled map of our lives. Songs from ‘Frozen’, naturally, but also ‘The Little Mermaid’, ‘The Lion King’ and many more of the Disney oeuvre. And because he didn’t know the lyrics to her favorites, Katie replayed them several times until he sang them correctly.
I think he loved every second of it, although I did see him wince a couple of times when she made him sing about ‘feeling like the Queen’. But if he was going to be a part of our story, he’d better get used to the assault on his eardrums.
And then he turned out to be incredible at ice skating, and admitted that he’d played varsity hockey in high school.
We circled the rink slowly, the three of us hand-in-hand with Katie in the middle, her happiness spilling over. She talked and talked, her words tumbling over each other as she filled Alex in on everything he missed while he’d been ‘away’. Stan was mentioned frequently, and then her little face would crumple, but Alex would tell her some story about Stan breaking wind inappropriately or chewing something he shouldn’t, and Katie would be all giggles again.
They were so natural together. I don’t know where it came from, but it was real and warm, and dangerously alluring.
When my stomach decided it was time for hot chocolate, I plodded across the bleachers to stand in line, and Alex whipped Katie around the ring at triple speed, dodging around other skaters, until my daughter was a sweaty, happy mess of tangled hair and rosy cheeks.
We looked like the perfect happy family.
A shiver of fear trickled down my spine. I started to think of all the ways this could be taken away from us. And once I started, I couldn’t stop. Alex noticed my change in mood, but he didn’t say anything in front of Katie.
“Mom got me the DVD of ‘Minions’. Do you want to watch it with me later?”
I was about to remind Katie that she was going to her friend Holly’s for the evening and that we’d save re-watching ‘Minions’ for another day, but to my surprise, Alex frowned.
“I’m busy tonight.”
Katie pouted. “Doing what?”
Alex didn’t answer and that wasn’t like him—he was always so careful of Katie’s feelings. I wondered where he could be going on Black Friday when it was crazy crowded out there—all things I knew he hated. Why wouldn’t say what he was doing? I hated that I was being so needy and wanting to know.
His face softened. “It’s important, or I wouldn’t go.”
I smiled weakly without meeting his eyes, and gently reminded Katie about her movie marathon sleepover with Holly. She pouted and sulked, but not too much.
As I drove, Katie talked enough for all three of us, so she didn’t notice the murky undercurrents rolling between me and Alex.
But after I’d dropped her off at Holly’s—with many promises extracted from Alex that she’d see him soon—we drove back to my house so he could pick up his truck.
I was surprised to see Dan’s police cruiser parked next to it, and I threw a worried look at Alex. He shrugged, seeming unconcerned, and that surprised me, too. But all the terrible things Dan had told me about him came rushing back, along with the certainty that I was about to hear more.
Dan climbed out of the cruiser slowly and walked toward us.
“Dawn.”
His voice was cool, nothing like his usual friendliness, and there was a long uncomfortable pause before he acknowledged Alex with a curt nod.
“Hey, Dan. Happy Thanksgiving?”
My voice rose, turning it into an anxious questio
n.
“Everything okay here?” Dan asked, his hard gazed pinned on Alex.
“Of course, why wouldn’t it be?”
Dan shot me a look, and I bit my lip.
“Where’s Katie?”
“With Holly. Why?”
“Let’s talk inside,” he said, glancing at my neighbor’s twitching drapes.
Alex leaned toward me, his warm breath tickling my neck. “G-gonna go. I’ll c-c-call you.”
“This concerns you, too,” Dan said firmly, frowning at Alex before his angry gaze snapped back to me. “I had a phone call from Matthew Hamilton.”
“Oh, this is too much!” I muttered, marching to the front door and flinging it open. “How dare he call you! Don’t tell me he reported this as a police matter?”
Dan and Alex followed me into the living room, but then stood there like a pair of matching statues.
“Cool your jets, Dawn. Some nosey neighbor called it in as being suspicious because there was a child and two grown men yelling at each other. They gave both vehicles’ license plates, and the Erie PA talked to Matthew about what happened, and he agreed to check out things on his end,” said Dan, hitching his holster higher as he eyed Alex whose face was stony.
“Cool down! You want me to cool down? He abandoned Katie, left her in the car for close to two hours, while he was making house calls to a student, on Thanksgiving. Thank goodness she thought to call Alex or God knows how long she would have been there!”
Dan shifted uncomfortably but didn’t back down.
“Where were you?”
“The fact is, Matthew had his scheduled visitation yesterday. It was his turn to have Katie for Thanksgiving, and for once he didn’t cancel. But if you have to know, I was working!” I snapped. “Ask Amelia Kingston, if you don’t believe me.”
“Dawn,” he sighed, rubbing his head tiredly.
“W-what . . . w-what am I b-b-being accused of?”
Alex’s lips were pressed together, his face red, and his hands clenched into fists. I understood that this was from his frustration, his difficulty in forcing out words, but to Dan it seemed aggressive, and he stood up taller.
“Nothing. Yet,” he said. “But I don’t like you hanging around my goddaughter, Winters.”