He says he’s getting me something really amazing for my birthday but he won’t tell me what it is.
I can’t wait.
Dawn
I didn’t know it could be like this. I swear Alex has turned me into a bowl of mush—either that or it’s all the hormones going crazy inside my body.
We talked about having a baby together for a little while before we did anything about it. I could tell that Alex really wanted us to try, but he was nervous too, and that made me nervous. It took me forever to pry the reason out of him. What it boiled down to is that he was afraid that the stress would push him over the edge and that he’d start drinking again. It breaks my heart that he’s so scared of failing us. I don’t see it like that—instead I see that every day he chooses to be strong for us. I feel safe and protected with him, and when I’m in his arms, the world surrenders. See what I mean? Mush!
I ended up getting pregnant on pretty much our first attempt. Alex was very smug about that and said he must have super-strength swimmers.
Unfortunately, Katie overheard that particular comment, so now she thinks he was some sort of swimming champion. She’s made him take her swimming in the lake every day, even when it’s been quite chilly. Seeing them together is beautiful.
Matthew still has her one day a month and he doesn’t cancel as often as he used to, but it’s still really uncomfortable for all of us.
Having Stella back in our lives is wonderful. I missed my sister so badly. Mom and Dad were over the moon about it, too. They’ve met Alex, and although it was a slightly rocky start when Dad tried to bond with him over beer, and Alex had to tell him why he wouldn’t, I think they’ve accepted him. Of course, they’re my parents, so they’re already waiting for the other shoe to drop. I suppose I am too, sometimes, and I know Alex is terrified of it. He’s got it into his head that he’s not ‘worthy’ of us, whatever that’s supposed to mean. But if it takes a lifetime to convince him that he’s the best thing that ever happened to me and Katie, then that’s what I’ll do.
He’s not perfect, far from it. I think he’s definitely OCD, and he gets upset having a mess around the house—which is inevitable when you’ve got a lively nine-year-old. Ten years old! When did Katie get so big?
Anyway, it’s a losing battle trying to keep everything tidy. I’m afraid he’s going to have a heart attack with a baby around the place—he really doesn’t know what he’s in for. Which is why I don’t get too mad with Katie for leaving her toys lying around—it’s good training for Alex.
Every couple of months, he disappears and twice has come home with split knuckles, one time with a black eye, and the last time, with three ex-fighting dogs. None of the shelters would take them, so he built the dogs a kennel each outside and a large run where he’s working to retrain them. But he has bigger plans, too.
Katie was really upset, and it caused our first major argument. In the end, we decided she needed to know some of the truth, so he told her that mean men had hurt the dogs, and he’d saved them.
Of course after that, she hero-worshipped him even more. She always asks him to drive her to school, never boring old Mom. I’m fine with that. Seeing them together makes me smile.
It’s been a rocky road, but one that we’ve chosen together, as a family.
We heard that Winters & Carter closed with the loss of 17 jobs. Alex ended up receiving $400,000 from the sale of the building, which was still in his name—something his ex-wife hadn’t been able to get her claws into.
So, the big plan! We’re going to start our own rescue shelter on Alex’s land, focusing on ex-fighting dogs. That’s where most of the money from Winters & Carter has gone. Officially it’s going to be named ‘The Sanctuary’ but unofficially, we call it ‘Stan’s Place’.
The original three ex-fighting dogs are being retrained to be family friendly. It’s fairly experimental and I’m not convinced it will work, but Alex is determined. He’s doing most of the training himself, but since word got out, quite a few people from Girard have volunteered to help, too. Including Dan, which was a big surprise. I think he feels guilty about some of the things he said, trying to steer me away from Alex. He knows now that he’s not a bad guy.
Alex is still a little wary of him, but if anything will work, it’s Dan spending time with the dogs.
When the new shelter is up and running, we’ll be able to do a lot more. Alex is working on some amazing designs. I’m so proud of him.
We talked about it and agreed that Stella would make the perfect person to help with fundraising to keep the shelter running once it’s been built. She knows everyone, and will be fantastic at getting the money we’ll need. Plus, she needs a job, so it will all work out great.
Stella loves helping out at the kennels, too. She was always good with animals—I guess that’s something else we have in common. She says that when the new shelter is built, working there will be her dream job. She’s still the world’s biggest flirt, but she’s my sister and I love her. It feels good to say that.
Alex didn’t press charges against Bob, although he did visit him in person. Alex wouldn’t tell me what he said, but I know that Dan spoke to him, as well, and after that Bob left Stella alone. The last I heard was that he’d left town and was working on some real estate deal in Pittsburgh.
Telling Katie about the baby was daunting. Luckily, she was really excited about it, although we haven’t told her yet that the baby is going to be a boy, and honestly, I think she’s more excited about Alex’s birthday surprise.
Alex and I aren’t married, so that’s given the gossips in Girard something new to talk about, especially now that I’m four months and beginning to show. We’re both rather gun-shy of marriage, me more so. Of course, my parents want us to marry before the baby comes, but I think one step at a time. Besides, I don’t want to look fat in our wedding photographs.
Katie is pushing for it hard. She wants to be a bridesmaid and has already picked out a dress that she thinks would be “super awesome”. I don’t know. Maybe. But we’re happy as we are right now.
There was one cloud that darkened our days. Alex’s friend, Giselle, died of pneumonia. We only found that out several weeks after it had happened. Alex was really upset about that.
We’re naming one of the new puppies after her in her memory. Oh, yes, we’re getting two puppies. Alex says he wanted to do it as the big surprise for Katie’s birthday, but I think they’re just as much for him.
I hope we can give these little creatures a better life than Giselle ever had. I’d like to think that she’d approve. Alex says that she’d laugh her ass off at having a bitch named after her.
The male puppy is named Rocco. I understand why now.
I still get so scared when Alex disappears off on his crusades, but since he’s much more willing to work with the police now, it’s not so bad. I think Dan helping out with retraining the ex-fighting dogs has had a lot to do with that. And he has some useful contacts that he’s been willing to share.
Alex has been taking on quite a lot of freelance architectural design work, although he says he won’t work 24/7 like he used to. And the rest of the time his passion and conviction is focused on me and Katie. It isn’t a bad trade off.
He was right, about his stutter. With family, it’s almost absent, but with strangers it’s as bad as ever. I mentioned once about him getting therapy, but Alex says that me and Katie are the best therapy in the world.
I’m loved more than I thought was possible. And I was wrong about only having enough love for my daughter. I love my sweet, silent man so much.
So much.
Alex
DAWN IS WAITING for me in bed—in our bed. Her dark eyes burn into me as I enter the room, and I get hard just looking at her lying back on the pillows.
It’s not long before I’m stripped naked and showing her with my body how much she means to me.
She pushes on my shoulder, telling me she wants to be on top tonight. I roll onto my back, pul
ling her with me, then run my hands over her swollen belly. She’s never looked sexier to me now that she’s carrying our child. She starts to move and the words pour out of her, telling me my body is hers, that I’m wanted, that she’s feeling possessive, and the thought comes to me, How did I get to be so lucky?
“Don’t call me baby-momma! I’m not a teenager, Alex!”
Dawn has no idea how much it turns me on when she lays down the law. Our sex-life is off the charts at the moment, and a couple of times we’ve had a close call with Katie coming home early when she got a ride with Holly’s mom. Seriously, three or four times a day: who needs a gym? She said I shouldn’t get used to it, because after the baby’s born, I’ll need to get reacquainted with my right hand.
I know she’s scared that I’ll panic when the baby comes and start drinking, but there’s no way I’d allow that to happen. I’d rather slit my own throat than let them down again. That doesn’t mean it’s not there, the elephant in the room, because it is. I wasn’t lying to her when I said the urge to drink will always be there. But I’m coping.
I keep going to AA meetings, and sometimes Stella comes with me. She helped me when I hit rock bottom, so spending time with her feels good. It’s a relief that they’re sisters again.
I feel very protective of Stella. She’s family. That word still makes my gut churn, but more in a good way now, I think. I have a family and I’m part of something wonderful. It’s the most fulfilled I’ve ever felt.
Somehow, we weathered the Girard gossipmongers. The worst was when Katie came home from school crying because of shit some other kids had said—that I was crazy and a freak, that I couldn’t talk properly—the usual. They were just copying what their parents said at home, so what could I do? It’s not even completely untrue.
Dawn went ballistic and was all for marching up to the school and reading the riot act, but in the end, talking it through as a family, we figured it would be best to just let it run its course. It was a rough couple of weeks for everyone, but in the end, it was nothing more than old news.
I’m working on getting the designs for the shelter done so we can break ground as soon as possible; I’m just trying to get through as much as possible BTB—before the baby. Sometimes Dawn makes it sound like the world is going to end on that day. I suggested that we name the baby Damien, like in ‘The Omen’, but she didn’t think that was funny.
Living together has been a learning curve, that’s for sure. Katie is really a slob, and Dawn isn’t much better. They drive me crazy, but I love it, too. I see their clutter around the place and I know that I’m not alone anymore.
I haven’t heard from Charlotte again, not even when the business that I started was shut down for good. I’m happy not to hear from her—that door is closed as far as I’m concerned. I’ve got the future to look forward to now. God, that sounds good.
TOday is a special day, although they’re all special days, and the three of us are in the truck together.
“Come on baby-momma,” I say again, just to see Dawn’s eyes flash when I call her that.
“Don’t!” she hisses at me, but I just laugh.
Katie gives her a look. “Mom! Don’t be mean to Alex.”
Yep, Katie’s got my back, and Dawn knows it. She’s trying to give me her best ‘I’m pissed’ look, but she can’t pull it off and her lips keep twitching like she’s trying not to smile.
“Where are we going?” Katie asks for the hundredth time.
“I told you, Katie-kay, it’s a surprise!”
“But it’s my birthday,” she whines. “You have to tell me!”
I just raise my eyebrows at her and she slumps in the back of the car. Dawn smiles: she knows exactly where we’re going.
After half an hour of driving, Katie figures it out—some of it.
“We’re going to Pittsburgh?”
“Sort of,” I reply.
“Are we going to the Aquarium?”
“Nope.”
“Are we going up in the cable car?”
“Nope.”
“Well, are we going to Kennywood? They’ve got six rollercoasters!”
“Not even close.”
“Al-ex!” she whines again.
“Trust me, Katie-kay, you’ll love it when we get there. I’m not going to spoil the surprise.”
“Fine,” she huffs, muttering under her breath, “But it’s my birthday!”
Finally, I pull up outside an austere concrete building, and I can see Katie frowning until she reads the large sign out front.
“It’s an animal shelter?” she says, her voice rising with excitement.
“Yes,” says Dawn. “Alex thought . . . well, we thought . . . that maybe you’d like to get a dog. I know no one can ever replace Stan, but these are all dogs who need a good home. And there are two puppies, brother and sister, who need someone to love them. What do you think?”
Katie’s lip trembles and Dawn shoots me an anxious look.
“Two puppies?”
And then she squeals so loudly, I think my eardrums burst. Katie’s smile is one of the best things in the world—second only to her mom’s.
“Oh wow! That is the most awesome birthday present ever!”
We head inside and one of the volunteers at the shelter shakes our hands. I’ve gotten to know all the other shelters in the area. None of them work with ex-fighting dogs like we do, but they’ve been really helpful.
“Welcome, Mr. and Mrs. Winters. And you must be Katie.”
I grin at Dawn and she gives me the stink-eye, but hey! I didn’t tell the guy we were married. Maybe we just look married. I like that idea.
But once we’re inside the kennel area, my grin fails. God, all of these dogs have a desperate air about them, a look that says they just want to be loved. Not so different from people, I guess. Humans pretend it’s so complicated, but really it’s simple. I feel bad that I’m not taking one of the older dogs, one like Stan. But I thought Katie should have dogs that she could grow up with. And right now, I’m not sure I could stand having an older dog and losing another friend.
Katie seems upset.
“They look so sad,” she says, her voice small and worried.
The rescue worker steps in with expert timing.
“I have your little guys, right here. This is Giselle and this is Rocco.”
He shows us to a cage where two of the oddest looking balls of fur are staring up at us.
They’ve got long bodies but their legs are stubby and short, with long tails from their Labrador mother, and their bodies from their Jack Russell father. I have no idea how the logistics of that worked, but obviously it did. Giselle is mostly white with a brown face, and Rocco has brown and black fur with white socks. Weird, definitely, but very cute, too.
“We think they’re part Bichon Frise, part Jack Russell and part Labrador.”
Interesting mix.
“They love chasing a ball and playing, and they’re both really good swimmers, too. They’ve had all their shots and been neutered.”
That makes me wince and Dawn smirks at me.
“Why did they end up in a pound?” Katie asks
“Their mom was living on the streets when she was found,” the rescue worker explains. “She wasn’t chipped and nobody came to claim her. They’re seven months old now and they’re looking for the right owner, someone to take care of them.”
Katie squats down next to the cage and puts her fingers through the grill. I’m right by her side, ready to haul her back in case the dogs get over excited. But instead they crowd up to the front of the cage, and Giselle investigates Katie’s fingers with a long pink tongue.
“They like me,” giggles Katie.
“They’ve got good taste, Katie-kay,” I tell her.
She cocks her head to one side, looking at Rocco. “Why does he have one ear up and one ear down?”
“Energy saving,” I reply seriously.
Katie squints, giving me a look like she’s not sur
e if I’m teasing her.
Half an hour later, we’re bundling Rocco and Giselle into the car next to Katie, and my family has grown by two small, furry people.
A proud warmth fills my chest: my family.
The drive home is uneventful and the puppies are pretty damn near perfect. They’re not Stan, but they’re cute and adore Katie already.
Stan was special—he saved my life more than once, so no dog could ever take his place, but the puppies have their own charm. Giselle is busy playing with Katie, but Rocco looks up so I can see him in the rearview mirror, and I think he’s asking the same thing I ask myself every day: How the fuck did I get to be so lucky?
THE END
If you’ve enjoyed this story, and I hope you have, you might want to consider trying the companion audio book, voiced by New York actor Seth Clayton.
It’s my first ever audio book, so I’m very excited!
Reviews are love! Honestly, they are! But it also helps other people to make an informed decision before buying my book.
So I’d really appreciate if you took a few seconds to do just that at the following link www.amazon.com.
Thank you!
WHILE I WAS researching this book, I typed ‘illegal dog fight’ into a search engine. I was sickened by what I saw. I couldn’t bring myself to watch more than a few minutes of videos, so disturbing was the footage.
I found most of it too horrifying and upsetting to write about, but you can learn more about the organized criminal side of dog fighting and how you can support the organizations who are working to stop it here.
Nowzad the Fighting Dog
Stan is real, too. Except that he wasn’t called Stan, but Nowzad. Now Zad is a small town in Helmand Province, Afghanistan, and Nowzad was a stray that had been taken to be trained as a fighting dog. His ears and tail had been cut off so other dogs wouldn’t be able to latch onto him so easily in a fight.