A flurry of activity greeted Rebecca. Jane’s four daughters—Ruth, Naomi, Esther, and Hannah—bustled around the kitchen in a pretzel-making dance, laughing and chattering like they’d never had so much fun in their lives.
Hannah glanced up. “Rebecca, thank goodness you are here. Mamm insisted the pretzels be hot out of the oven for the gathering, but now we have to scramble to finish in time. Can you poach?”
“Jah, sure,” Rebecca said. She took the skimmer from Hannah and marched to the cookstove, where a pot of soda water boiled merrily. She loosened the frozen dough, already formed into pretzels, from the baking sheet and plopped two pretzels into the water. After a minute, she pulled them out of the water with the skimmer and placed them on the greased baking sheet manned by Esther. Esther brushed each pretzel with an egg wash and sprinkled it with salt. When the sheet was full, she popped it into the oven.
The Wengerds’ kitchen had two cookstoves that stood side by side, a luxury to be sure. But at a time like this, with pretzels to be made, the extra stove became a necessity. As quickly as Rebecca and Esther could fill a pan with pretzels, it went into the belly of the stove. When the timer rang at periodic intervals, Naomi whisked the golden brown pretzels out of the oven and into a basket, which she covered with a clean dish towel to keep them warm.
Esther nudged Rebecca’s arm. “Albert says Marvin Yutzy’s mamm told your mamm to plant celery this spring. Is there something you want to tell us?”
Rebecca blushed. Celery was a traditional wedding food. The bride’s mamm planted celery to prepare for the big day. Marvin hadn’t shared his wedding plans with her. Not that he needed to. His intent to marry her next fall was plain enough. But she had other plans. She could probably stall him for another two years before she committed herself.
“Maybe Marvin’s sister is planning to wed,” she said.
Esther and Hannah giggled.
“Eva? She’s fifteen,” Hannah said. “Oh, Rebecca, you know how to bust me up laughing.”
Once the last of the frozen pretzels was poached, Rebecca poured the water into the sink and washed the pan. Then she wiped the cupboards while Ruth and Hannah prepared bowls of jam, honey, and mustard for dipping.
Hannah placed her bowl on the counter and leaned close to Rebecca. “Marvin’s here, ready for some fun. Don’t let him sit too close,” she teased.
Rebecca looked into the family room as newly arrived young people greeted each other and visited before prayer. Adam and Davie Eicher played Ping-Pong at one table while two younger girls played at the other.
Marvin sat on the sofa talking with Abner. “Manure can be a good source of income for the dairy,” she heard him say.
She looked away—didn’t care much about that conversation.
The front door squeaked open, and Rebecca caught her breath as Levi walked into the room. Her heart leaped out of her chest, and she promptly shoved it back into place. She would get over this childish fascination with Levi Cooper.
Levi shook hands with two boys near the door as the eyes of every girl in the house seemed to follow him and drink him in like the dry ground soaks up rain. He flashed that one-of-a-kind smile and the girls practically swooned. Rebecca knew every line of his face, every emotion expressed in his eyes so well that she could almost read his thoughts. She could see that he wasn’t even aware of the attention.
Indignation soon replaced those unwanted feelings. How could he? She almost didn’t have words for his audacity. She stared at him as a thousand violent emotions warred inside her head.
Dottie Mae’s dat came into the kitchen lugging a bag of ice. She didn’t even acknowledge him—just kept staring at that impertinent young man standing in the Wengerds’ family room, who acted as if he had every right to be there.
“What’s wrong, Rebecca?” Vernon asked. “You all right?”
“I can’t believe he would show up here,” she murmured. “After what he did, how dare he set foot in your house? I will tell him to leave right now.”
Vernon saw where she was looking and furrowed his brow. “Don’t do that,” he said. “I invited him.”
“Don’t you know he is one of the boys who—”
“Of course I know. He is a gute boy. He came over last week and helped me fix my fences.”
Rebecca’s voice rose with her agitation. “But how can you stand to look at him? Because of him, Dottie Mae is gone. Your daughter. He killed your daughter.”
Vernon frowned, and pain flashed in his eyes. “Do not talk like that. All is forgiven.”
Her breathing became rapid; her hands felt ice-cold. “How can you forgive him? What he did was wrong.”
Vernon put down his bag and wrapped an arm around Rebecca’s shoulder. “Cum,” he said.
He led her up the stairs, and they sat on the top step looking down on the gathering…far enough away they wouldn’t be heard, high above where no one would think to look.
Vernon grabbed Rebecca’s hand and held it tightly. “Last week he came to ask my forgiveness again. He feels it very deeply.”
“Again?”
“The day after the accident, he came to the hospital and begged for my forgiveness. I never saw such remorse. How could I not forgive him?”
“Those four boys ruined your life.”
Vernon shook his head. “After the accident, do you know what Levi did? He jumped out of the car while the other three screamed at him to get back in. They were afraid they would get caught. He refused, and they drove away without him. When he saw that Dottie Mae was dead, he cried out like he was the one who had been hurt. After he called an ambulance, he stayed with me. He put pressure on my leg. If he hadn’t stayed, I would have bled to death. The doctor said as much. Levi saved my life.”
Of course he did. That was exactly what Levi would have done. Wouldn’t have worried about the trouble he was in, wouldn’t have tried to save his own skin, just would have seen what needed to be done and did it. If she had searched her heart earlier, she could have guessed the story before Vernon even told it. Rebecca couldn’t speak.
Vernon squeezed her hand. “When Dottie Mae died, our hearts were broken. But God has a plan for everyone. I must trust in that plan. God chose to take my daughter. We must not punish Levi for that.”
Emotions washed over Rebecca like waves on a beach. At first she resisted what they were telling her, but then she gave in and listened.
She had forgiven Levi a long time ago.
The realization didn’t make her feel better.
She loved him.
She didn’t merely love him. She breathed him in and out with every heartbeat.
And he would break her heart over and over again if she didn’t guard it.
Rebecca’s heart shattered into a million pieces that day on the slopes because she finally crashed against the truth that she had given her heart completely to Levi, and she felt as weak as a kitten because she loved him too much. When she found out about his connection to Dottie Mae, she resolved to never put her full faith in anybody ever again. The consequences proved intensely painful.
Not trusting her voice to remain steady, Rebecca nodded to Dottie Mae’s dat. More than anything in the world, she wanted to be alone. Could she slip out of the house without being noticed? She patted Vernon’s hand and tiptoed down the stairs to the family room full of young people. Marvin saw her from across the room and motioned for her to sit by him. She shook her head slightly and ducked into the kitchen. Rebecca tiptoed down the back hall, through the mudroom, and out the back door. Linda could drive the buggy home.
Wrapping her arms tightly around herself against the cold, she trudged up the muddy lane to the main road. The horses, standing patiently with their buggies, twitched their ears as they watched her pass.
The dirt-packed road made for easier travel. Rebecca had always been a fast walker. The Wengerds’ house was soon several hundred yards behind her.
Footfalls on the gravel told her someone sprinted to catch up. Sh
e knew who it was even before she heard her name. She quickened her pace.
“Rebecca!”
Reluctantly, Rebecca turned around. Levi jogged the rest of the distance between them, his muscular body especially graceful when he ran. His cheeks and nose were red and he panted for air, but he had that dazzling smile on his face that always stabbed through her heart. Why did she have to love him so?
“You forgot your coat,” he said, first holding it out to her and then helping her into it. Even the slightest touch from his hand seemed to leave an impression on her skin.
“Denki,” she said.
He slowly pulled his hands from her shoulders and cleared his throat. “I’m starting to get a complex. I walk into a room, and you walk out. You’re not avoiding me, are you, kid?”
“You should know me well enough by now, Bucky. Jah, I am avoiding you.”
“Bucky. Like the beaver. My teeth aren’t that bad.”
She loved the sound of his laugh.
Refusing to be taken in by his charm, she opted for a quick dismissal. “Good-bye, Levi.”
He smiled sadly. “Please, don’t leave. You go to so few gatherings. I’ll go so you can stay.”
“No need. I have to get to some chores.”
“I thought maybe enough time had passed. I hoped you’d be able to tolerate my presence.”
“You can join every youth group in Apple Lake, for all I care,” she said. “It doesn’t matter to me.”
“But it does matter. A lot. I want to give you all the time you need.”
“I do not need more time,” she countered. “I forgive you for Dottie Mae. You don’t need to keep asking and wondering. It’s done.” Her voice sounded harsh, even to herself.
He searched her face. “I believe you. You have too good a heart to punish me forever.”
“What do you know of my heart?”
“I know that you are suffering terribly. I know that Marvin doesn’t understand you well enough to see it.”
“How can Marvin see what isn’t there?”
“The suffering is all my fault. I want to make it better.”
“Don’t feel obligated to do anything for me. You owe me nothing.”
He came closer and gently stroked her arms. She wasn’t sure why she didn’t pull away. His voice caressed her with its tenderness. “I used to think that water and heights frightened you. Now I know the only thing you are truly, truly afraid of is love.”
“I’m not afraid. I’m realistic. Love makes people vulnerable.”
The intensity of his gaze held her hostage. “You don’t know how much I regret all the hurt I ever caused you.”
“That’s what happens when you love somebody. They rip your heart out and throw it on the sidewalk. Sometimes they don’t even mean to. They get sick or die or ignore you, but the result is still the same.”
Levi nodded, too eager. “So you admit you love me.”
“No, I am saying that’s what would happen if I let myself love you.”
“You love me, Rebecca. Why won’t you say it?”
“Because I never want to feel so terrible again.”
“I promise I will never give you reason. I will make you so happy, you won’t even notice bad weather.”
“What happens to me next week or next year when you decide you are tired of the Plain life?”
“That won’t happen.” He lowered his eyes. “Not if you share it with me. Any relationship worth having or caring deeply about has ups and downs, like a roller coaster.”
“I hate roller coasters.”
“Bad analogy.” In frustration, he released her arms, placed his hands on the nearest post, and gazed out at the Wengerds’ orchard beyond the fence. “So you’ll marry Marvin Yutzy out of spite.”
“Marvin is the perfect husband for me. I have no expectations, so he will never disappoint me. I don’t love him, so he will never break my heart.”
“Perfect,” Levi said. “I’m sure he’d be happy to know how much he means to you.”
“I will be a gute wife to him. I know how to work hard.”
“What every man wants, a wife he can work to death.”
“I will do my duty.”
“And be miserable.”
“And be content,” Rebecca insisted. “I will never fear losing him.”
With lightning speed, he took her into his arms. She trembled involuntarily at his closeness and felt the masculine power in his embrace. She tilted her head back to look at him. His lips were inches from hers.
“Don’t marry Marvin,” he said. “I love you.”
The vapors from his breath and hers mingled together before floating away into the air. Could he feel her heart hammering out an unfamiliar and dangerous cadence?
“Don’t kiss me,” she whispered.
He froze and, for several breathless seconds, stared at her mouth. She saw the turmoil in his eyes and then the final, agonizing surrender. He slowly released his hold and moved away from her. “I wouldn’t think of it,” he said.
His face became an emotionless mask as he stuffed his hands into his pockets and looked anywhere but at her. “There won’t be anymore gatherings for me. You can come and go without fear of my being there. I won’t bother you again. May God bless you with a long and happy life.”
He turned and walked slowly in the direction of the Wengerds’. She walked the other way, chancing one more look back.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Warmth washed over Levi as he and his grandpa came in the house and stomped the snow off their boots. Heavenly smells of bacon and pumpkin waffles wafted from the kitchen.
“Your mammi has a way with a skillet, to be sure,” Dawdi said, grunting as he slowly sank to the bench. “But with your mamm here, theys is the best pair of cooks in Apple Lake.”
“Here, Dawdi, let me.” Levi knelt down and loosened the laces on Dawdi’s boots before pulling them off his feet. “I wish you would let me do the milking on my own. The cold can’t be good for your hands.”
Dawdi waved off the suggestion. “Ach, I’ve done the milking for going on seventy years. Mammi wants us to sell the cows, but I ain’t ready to give it up yet.”
Levi didn’t argue. That Dawdi even managed to get up in the mornings was a miracle. If the milking kept him going, who was Levi to rob him of the experience? Still, he was glad he could relieve some of the burden for his grandparents. The milking machine proved temperamental at times, and Levi gladly kept it in working order.
Levi had expected a mighty struggle in adjusting to Amish life, but his kind neighbors had made the transition much less painful. Mom was right. The Amish were the most charitable people he’d ever met.
If it weren’t for the fact that he’d lost the only girl he would ever love, he could be quite content with his life. Rebecca’s rejection cast a pall over everything in the world.
Once his own boots were off, Levi helped Dawdi from his bench, and they hobbled into the kitchen. Ever since Mom had made her public confession and they reinstated her as a member, they had taken all their meals with Levi’s grandparents. Mammi was adamant. To make up for lost time, she said.
Mom set a heaping plate of waffles on the table while Mammi poured orange juice. “Sit, sit,” Mammi said. “The waffles will get cold.”
Dawdi insisted on pulling out a chair for Mammi before sitting himself. With his arthritic body, the effort took some time. Mom sat next to Levi. She pursed her lips doubtfully and squeezed his hand.
After prayer, Levi poured a generous helping of Mammi’s legendary maple cream syrup over everything on his plate and made short work of his waffles.
Once he cleaned his plate, he sipped his orange juice while he listened to his grandparents talk about the holes in the fence that must be mended before spring.
“We had a horse get through the fence last year,” Mammi told him.
Levi said something in reply, but he wasn’t even sure what. He wondered if Marvin had mended those fences at Rebec
ca’s place. There were two gaps in the pasture fence Levi hadn’t gotten to before winter. Max might be able to help, but Rebecca probably couldn’t fix them on her own.
Mom pounded her fist on the table and startled Levi from his stupor. “I’m not letting you go through with it,” she said.
“Through with what?”
“You’re not getting baptized.”
“Mom, yes, I am. This Sunday. Don’t freak out on me.”
Dawdi turned to Mammi in confusion. “What does she mean, Nancy?”
Mammi put down her fork. “Don’t you want Levi to be baptized, Mary?”
“You might as well know,” Mom said. “Levi is in love with a girl—”
“Jah, Rebecca Miller,” said Mammi. “We all heard.”
Dawdi groaned and rolled his eyes. “What a tattletale you are!”
“You are the one who told me, Alphy,” Mammi said. “From Gabe Zook, remember?”
“I don’t tattle,” Dawdi said. He picked up a piece of bacon and pointed it at Levi. “Gabe says you take her a rose every day.”
“Rebecca was the reason Levi wanted to join the community,” Mom said.
Mammi nodded. “Now she’s lost her senses and won’t have him.” She looked at Dawdi. “I heard from Izzy Herschberger.”
“You have no reason to be baptized,” Mom said. “If you’re baptized before you leave the community, I’ll either have to shun you or join you. So, I’ll join you because I can’t bear to lose you and then I’ll be shunned and we’ll be right back where we started.”
Levi groaned and tried to put Rebecca out of his mind. If he could just get over the stabbing pain he felt every time he thought of her. He took an unenthusiastic swig of orange juice.
“Don’t leave us, Mary,” Mammi said. “I think my poor heart would break.”
“You could stay without being baptized,” Dawdi said. “That’s been done before. It’s when you make your promise to God and then leave that things get tricky.”
Levi had already replayed this debate in his head too many times to count. He looked around the table at people he loved most. “I will love Rebecca until the day I die, and she won’t have me. I can’t make somebody love me who doesn’t love me. But I want to be baptized. I want to make my commitment to God. He has done so much for me. I want to pledge my life to Him.”