“Is there any other?” There wasn’t. He was it. That movie would end up being my big break. It was one of those roles that you take, excitement in your belly even as a teenager, because you understand the significance of what you're about to do. What I’d done up until then was nothing. This was it. It was my big chance. Jason Masterson was the man of the hour. He was hot - not just physically, but in the industry. And I’d gotten this role, despite my age and the fact that, even a couple years after being discovered, I was still a new actress when it came down to it.
So when my co-star asked me to a party at his house, turning him down would have been a huge mistake.
Even when it turned out that the only person he’d invited to our little party was me. And after I’d drank a couple of beers to take the edge off, taken a few tokes, he’d given me something else. Said it was ecstasy. I’d never taken ecstasy, but I knew it was important to be friendly with Jason. And I wanted to belong. He belonged here in Hollywood, and I was the new girl on the block.
I didn’t want to go back to living in that trailer park.
So I took what he offered.
It wasn’t ecstasy.
“What the hell did you do?” my mother asked.
I whirled around. "What did I do?" I practically spit the words at her. "I went to Jason's house, mom. What the hell did you think I did?"
She turned, walking toward the living room. "You smell like shit," she said. I watched her light a cigarette, and blow the smoke through the room, and I felt my face flush hot, my blood boiling. Walking over to her, I took it from her fingers and put it out on the side of her brand new Chanel bag.
The one I'd paid for.
"I keep telling you," I said. "Stop fucking smoking in the apartment. I don't care if you kill yourself, but Brenna? She doesn't need to breathe it in secondhand."
She looked at me, eyes filled with hatred.
I thought she was going to slap me for ruining her purse, but she didn't.
One of my first memories was of my mother's face, inches away from mine, screwed up into this mask of rage. I remember thinking, even then, that she hated me.
Now that I was older, I knew it was true. She hated Brenna and I. She was never meant to be a mother.
"I hope you made it worth his while," she said, "Although I don't know why a man that hot would be interested in someone like you. He's the next Brad Pitt. And you're River Gilstead, remember that- you might have a new last name, but you'll always be a Gilstead. You'd spread your legs for any white trash piece of shit that asked you to."
"Worth his while?" I said, the heat in my face almost unbearable. "He gave me something and screwed me while I was passed out. I woke up with my pants off on the floor of his living room. Then he had his driver send me home. So if that's what you mean by worth his while, then I guess it probably was."
She stared at me, silent, and for a moment I almost expected her to express some tenderness for me, to reach out and draw me in tight to her chest, to speak to me the way a mother would, to tell me everything was going to be all right. She would know what to do. She would take me out of this, away from the unrelenting pressure and the overwhelming responsibilities. Away from the men who looked at me like I was an adult.
Then she grabbed my wrist, brought her face close to mine, and looked at me the same way she'd looked at me when I was a child. With a mixture of contempt and envy. "You don't ruin everything for us," she hissed. "You hear me, River Gilstead? You'd best not have any bright ideas about what you're going to do about this."
I wrenched my arm from her grasp. “Ruin everything for us?” I asked. “You mean ruin everything for you. There is no us. There never has been."
She stepped back, looked me up and down. "You look drunk to me," she said, her gaze meaningful. "Nothing happened tonight. You hear me? Nothing. You go in your room and sleep it off, and then you wake up on Monday and you get to the set and do your damn job."
I didn't know what I expected. Had I really been so naive to think that she'd react to me the way a normal mother would? That she'd comfort me?
"Don't worry," I said. "Your paycheck's safe."
And I walked back to my room and did exactly what she said. Shut my mouth, the way I'd always done before.
And on Monday morning, I went back to work with my co-star. I looked him in the eye every day for the next month, swallowing the feeling of revulsion at his sight, and played the role I was meant to play.
It was the role that would make me a star.
And it was forever after tainted by that night. Everything that would come after would be tinged a dirty grey.
I was a big star. But I was no different than before. I never would be.
Inside, I'd always be River Gilstead, the girl with dirty bare feet and a runny nose, still hanging around outside the trailer, waiting for someone to rescue her from hell.
My hands trembled as I unzipped the leather case, opening it and looking at the implements inside. My heart raced, and I felt the kind of nervousness that I hadn't felt in a long time, the sense of being overwhelmed, mixed with a feeling of anticipation. My breath caught in my throat, my chest rising and falling quickly as I tried to steady my breath, to steady my thoughts. They swirled around me, faster and faster, and I felt like I was sinking.
I couldn't breathe.
I couldn't breathe, and I couldn't handle the memories of my past.
I had come far, but it wasn't far enough. It wasn't far enough to take me away from that girl I once was.
Some things never changed. That was true of this.
I pinched the cold steel of the blade between my fingers, and almost immediately began to feel my heart rate slow. I needed this. It was the only thing I could do to manage the pain.
I found a place on my inner thigh, between the faint lines that crisscrossed my flesh, the lines that served as markers, a timeline of my life, of all of the bad things that had happened. They were faint now, barely visible to the naked eye and only if you knew what you were looking for, their fading a result of work with the plastic surgeon who specialized in fading away scars. But I could still run my fingers over the place they once were, the place were the lines just barely existed, and remember each scar.
Some people memorialized the good things of life, the things they wanted to remember, the way they wanted their lives to be. I memorialized the things I couldn't forget.
I drew the blade across my flesh, feeling strangely detached from the whole thing, like I was watching it happen to someone else. The sharp sting of pain threatened to bring me back to the present, promised to bring me back to the present, but just barely.
I watched as the dark red blood beaded to the surface along the line of the cut, little droplets that clung to it. I sat there, my mind suddenly focused on the pain, the stinging sensation that I could count on to distract me from everything else.
People think that cutting is about enjoying pain. Viper thought it made me a masochist, someone who liked being hurt, not just physically but emotionally. He liked hurting me, got off on it. I think that why he chose my sister.
But cutting wasn't about that, at least it wasn't for me. For me it was about memories, about distancing myself from the past and focusing on the present.
Sometimes the only way I could do that, the only way that I could snap myself out of the past, from being pulled down, sucked inside and drowned by the intensity, was to jolt myself out of it by feeling pain in the present.
I had been deluding myself to think that I could stop doing this. I was who I was. There was no changing that. Anyway, I'd made progress, no longer the teenage girl who'd tried to overdose when she was sixteen. At least I wasn't suicidal, even if I wasn't sure quite what I was living for.
But just as quickly as I had felt overwhelmed, the feeling dissipated, and a sense of calmness washed over me, this wave of stillness and peace.
I sat in the car outside The Thirsty Frog for at least fifteen minutes before I finally decided to get out, just watching things. It was a new bar, but I knew that if Silas was in a bad place like my mother had said, it wasn't any kind of reputable establishment.
Silas was at the front door; I could see him standing there, arms crossed, beside the front door occasionally checking an ID, but mostly leaving it up to the other bouncer doing the ID checks while he scanned the crowd.
He'd gotten big, bigger than when I last saw him, and I wondered if my mother meant that he was juicing. Knowing Silas, if he was on the same trajectory he had been on when I left, it was more than just juicing he was doing. I thought he'd changed, but maybe not.
I got out of the car, and walked toward the bar. Silas didn't see me, but I heard his voice, loud even above the din of the people in line. One of the other bouncers was silhouetted in the doorway of the bar, pushing a guy out the front door, where Silas caught him by the back of the neck and dragged him out toward the street. Silas' face was contorted in anger, his cheeks ruddy and red.
Shit. Three years later, and nothing had changed.
He saw me standing there, and stopped, pushing the kid forward, without breaking eye contact with me. "Today's your fucking lucky day, shitbag," he said. The kid whimpered, stumbling forward into the parking lot and running away.
"You come down from on high to join the rest of us mere mortals?" Silas asked. "Or are you just coming back to West Bend to give me another lecture?"
"Screw you, Silas." I spat the words, already pissed off at his shitty attitude before we'd even had the chance to say more than two sentences to each other. He hadn't always been like this. I could remember a time when he was my best friend in the world. I could recall a time when I'd take a bullet for him, and he would have done the same for me.
His expression softened for a moment, clouded by something else. Regret? I wondered. It was probably too much to expect from Silas, but I felt my fists begin to unclench anyway. "They already cremated the asshole, you know," he said.
"I saw," I said. "She has him up on the mantle."
Silas spit on the ground. "Real fucking awesome," he said. "On display, like he was some kind of goddamned saint."
I shrugged. "Did you expect anything different?"
"Not from her," he said, his voice bitter. Silas and I had always had different expectations when it came to our mother. I think I always understood that she was incapable of being who we'd want her to be. Silas was perpetually disappointed in her, angry at her for not living up to who he thought she should be. Angry at the world for the same reasons.
"She said you were in Vegas," I said, leaving off the rest of it, the unspoken part. Vegas was a couple of hours from San Diego, not exactly on the other side of the fucking world. My fucking twin, and he hadn't come see me after my leg had gotten blown the fuck off - not in the hospital, and not afterwards.
Silas shuffled, kicked at the pavement with his boot. "Yeah," he said. "Got on the fight circuit out there for a while."
"Legit?" I asked. Silas had always been a fighter- wrestling, boxing, MMA, you name it. Even when he was a kid, scrapping after school, taking on bullies, kids who used to talk shit about our family. It was like he had no fear, no sense of self-preservation.
"Mostly," he said. "Until I tore my ACL."
"I didn't know."
He shrugged. "I heard about what happened, the explosion. I was going to come see you, but - " His voice trailed off.
"Yeah, well, shit happens."
His expression looked pained, and he opened his mouth, then shut it again.
"You heard from Luke or Killian?" I asked. I wasn't on the outs with them, not like I'd been with Silas, but my older brothers were incommunicado a lot of the time, on the road.
Silas shook his head. "Not in a long time," he said, the implication obvious. Silas had established himself as the black sheep when it came to the four of us. "You sticking around here?"
I wasn't sure if it was hope or fear in his voice. "Not sure," I said.
"Yeah, well, West Bend ain't the place it used to be," Silas said.
"What does that mean?"
He shrugged, kicked at the ground. "Have to watch yourself here," he said, not bothering to elaborate.
A yell from one of the other bouncers interrupted us. "Stop fucking socializing and get your ass back over here."
Silas turned toward the direction of the sound. "Fuck you," he yelled back. "I'm coming."
"Watch yourself how?" I asked.
Silas opened his mouth, then closed it again. "I didn't mean anything by it," Silas said. He kicked the ground with the toe of his boot. "I'll talk to you later. I'm real sorry I didn't come out there when you were in the hospital. Got a lot of regrets and shit, and that's probably the biggest."
I nodded, calm on the outside, but really he might as well have knocked me over with a baseball bat, apologizing like that. Silas wasn't ever one for apologies, not even back when we were tight. "It's all right."
"Nah," he said. "It's not, really. I've been a dick. Don't want to rack up any more regrets, you know? Bad karma."
"Fuck, Silas," the bouncer yelled. "Get your fucking ass back over here."
"Duty calls," he said, a wry smile on his face. "I've got to go."
I drove away from the bar, my mind racing. Silas apologizing had been the last thing on earth I expected when I came back here. It had thrown me for a loop.
The road stretched out in front of me, and the thought of going home, back to the house where I grew up, was a bleak one.
I didn't know what the hell I was doing, but I didn't want to go home.
So I turned the car around.
Love comforteth like sunshine after rain.
~ Shakespeare, Venus and Adonis
It was eleven, but I still wasn't asleep. After what happened earlier- after I'd cut myself- I should have passed out, gotten the crash after the adrenaline spike, the crash that usually settled things, gave me relief.
Except this time, I was lying in bed, staring up at the ceiling in the darkness. There was no adrenaline spike, no crash. It was still just me and my thoughts.
When a white light flickered through the window, I paid no attention. Until it happened a minute later, and then a third time.
Heart racing, I slid out of bed and stood beside the window, trying to see out without putting my whole face in the window pane.
It has to be paparazzi, I thought, regretting my choice to stand there. I could hardly see anything.
Then the light hit me directly in the eyes. "Fuck." I jumped back to the side, anger flooding my veins. "Son of a bitch." I turned the latch and pulled up the window pane. "Whoever the fuck you are, you can get the hell out of here."
The camera flash I was expecting didn't come. Instead, I heard Elias' voice.
"Shit," he said. "I didn't mean to scare you."
"What the hell are you doing?" I yelled, then immediately lowered my voice, mindful of June's house just across the meadow. My heart was pounding in my chest. "Are you fucking high or something? Or are you trying to give me a heart attack?"
Elias dipped his flashlight to the ground. "Come down and let me in."
I exhaled and swore under my breath, heading down the stairs and out to the front porch. I pulled the door wide open, and Elias stood in the doorway, grinning at me. "What the fuck are you doing here at eleven o' clock at night?"
"I wanted to see you," he said. "Couldn't stop thinking about you."
I squinted at him. "Are you drunk? You smell like stale beer and smoke."
"What?" he asked. "No. I mean, I might have stepped in some beer at the bar."
"You're showing up here after being at a bar all night?" I crossed my arms over my chest. "You think I'm that easy, or just stupid?"
Elias looked down at the ground, rubbing the toe of his boot