“You’re…growing,” he said, thinking it probably wasn’t a good idea to suggest she was getting big.
“This all happened within the last two weeks. Nothing fits me anymore.” She reached for her purse. “Ready?”
He couldn’t quite allay his fears. Repeatedly he told himself it shouldn’t be any big deal. He drove all the time; it just so happened that today his destination was a place where there were lots of people.
“Jeb?”
“I’m ready,” he snapped, and immediately regretted his tone when he saw the hurt in Maddy’s eyes. The happiness in her seemed to wilt, and she moved slowly away from the house.
“Who’s minding the store?” he asked once they were on their way.
“Wendy Curtis—with the help of the Loomis twins, of course. She steps in for me when I have appointments. I told her I’d be back by noon.”
They left Buffalo Valley, and Jeb felt the need to set things straight. He’d worked too hard to destroy the fragile truce between them now. They both had. “I didn’t mean to snap at you earlier,” he said.
“I know.”
“It’s just that…it’s been a long time since I was in Grand Forks.”
“We’ll go to the doctor’s office and then we’ll go right home.”
“I’m uncomfortable when people stare at me,” he told her.
“No one’s going to stare.”
His hands tightened around the steering wheel. “Don’t patronize me, Maddy. I know what people think when they see me. I’m a cripple and that’s the way I’ll always be. I’m not going to grow another leg.”
“But how can you know what people are thinking?”
“I know,” he growled, unwilling to continue the conversation.
They remained silent for the rest of the journey into Grand Forks. Jeb regretted coming, regretted everything. Already he could feel the walls closing in on him, trapping him. He could hear the whispers, too, and feel the curious stares. By the time they arrived, his heart clanged like a church bell, each strike causing his body to stiffen with dread.
Maddy directed him to a downtown medical building. This was even worse than he’d realized. There’d be more people, elevators, long, narrow hallways.
By chance, he stumbled upon a parking spot and eased the truck into it. His hands remained on the steering wheel. “I’ll wait for you here,” he told her, doing his level best to sound calm and collected.
“But—”
“I said I’ll wait for you here.”
Maddy bit her lower lip, nodded and opened the truck door by herself. She climbed out and stood there for a moment. “I shouldn’t be any longer than an hour.” Then she walked across the street and through the double glass doors. He could tell how disappointed she was. Jeb knew she hadn’t really needed a ride to the doctor’s office; she’d wanted him to come inside and be with her during the examination. It was what he’d wanted, too, but not at the expense of his sanity.
Even now, his heart was pounding hard. Sweat had broken out on his forehead, and try as he might, he couldn’t make himself relax. His hands continued to clench the steering wheel. Fears attacked him from all sides. This was exactly what he’d known would happen if he let Maddy into his life. He was comfortable without her. He didn’t need her, didn’t need anyone.
He couldn’t cope with this.
Maddy would never understand. How could she? Driving into a city the size of Grand Forks was nothing to her. She could do it every day of the week without a qualm, without even a thought. It wasn’t like that for him, and it hadn’t been since his accident. Granted, his reaction had never been as bad as this, but he should have expected it.
Before he’d lost his leg, Jeb had only heard of panic attacks; now he experienced them. He wasn’t hyperventilating yet but he felt as though his heart was about to shoot straight through his chest.
He wanted to be angry with Maddy, but he was the one who’d agreed to this, pushing aside his usual caution.
Maddy had asked him to come; she hadn’t asked for herself, though. She’d wanted him to be there so he could ask questions about the baby, maybe even hear his child’s heart.
Jeb looked at the brick building and to him it resembled a prison.
Then, before he could stop himself, he opened the truck door and leaped out. Anyone watching him would wonder why he was in such a rush. He damn near sprinted across the street and was breathless by the time he made it inside. For one wild moment, he thought he was about to black out. Finding his bearings, he breathed slowly and deeply, then surged ahead until he found the building’s directory.
Maddy’s obstetrician, Dr. Taylor Leggatt, was on the third floor. Rather than take the elevator, Jeb climbed the stairs. The sound of his steps echoed in the cavernous stairwell.
When he walked into the waiting room, he saw Maddy sitting with several other women, reading a magazine. Her eyes opened wide in astonishment when she saw him. Calmly looking at no one but Maddy, he limped across the room and claimed the seat next to hers.
Neither spoke, but Jeb could feel her joy. It seemed to touch him as forcefully as if she’d placed her hand on his face. He stared at her, and slowly his anxiety started to disappear.
“It won’t be long now,” she told him.
He clasped her hand and held it tightly. After a few moments, his pulse returned to normal; leaving the truck, finding his way to Maddy, hadn’t been as difficult as he’d assumed.
He focused his attention on her rounded abdomen and nearly swallowed his tongue when he noticed movement.
“Did the baby just kick?” he asked.
She nodded. Releasing his hand, she pressed his open palm against her stomach. “Say hello to your daddy,” she told her unborn child.
Not a second passed before Jeb felt a solid whack against the palm of his hand.
“Feel it?” she asked, grinning broadly.
“Feel it?” Jeb echoed, and burst out laughing. “This kid’s going to be a world-class bronco rider.”
Margaret Clemens stood defiantly in the middle of Maddy’s bedroom. Dressed in jeans and a plaid shirt with leather vest, she looked as if she’d walked off the cover of a Louis L’Amour novel. “There’s no rule that says a woman has to wear a dress to a wedding, is there?”
“Margaret, come on. Don’t you want Matt to notice you?”
She hesitated. “How will he know if I’m wearing pantyhose or not?”
“He’ll know,” Maddy assured her with a confidence that defied question.
Despite Margaret’s protests, Maddy was lending her a dress for Buffalo Bob and Merrily’s wedding. It was the perfect opportunity for Margaret to put into practice all the “girl” things Maddy had been telling her about over the past few months.
“How can I wear one of your dresses? We couldn’t possibly be the same size.”
“We’re close enough that it won’t matter. Now stop arguing with me.”
Margaret muttered a swearword.
“None of that,” Maddy chastised, opening her closet door. “We’ll start with these,” she said, pulling out a number of outfits and carefully placing them across the foot of her bed.
“You didn’t tell anyone we were doing this, did you?” Margaret asked. She unfastened her leather belt. Unzipping the jeans, she slipped out of them and stood bare-legged in a pair of dark brown socks.
Maddy analyzed Margaret’s legs, which weren’t half-bad. They had a nice shape and tapered smoothly at the ankles.
“I’ll have you know I’ve never worn a dress in my life.” She paused, then amended the statement. “I’ve never worn a dress for more than five minutes in my life. Once my daddy tried to get me into one—I think I was about ten. Said it was easier to herd a thousand head of cattle than to get me to try on that stupid dress. Never did it again. He said I was the sorriest-looking sight he’d ever seen, told me I could wear what I wanted and I have from that point on.”
“What do you think?” Maddy asked, holding
up a sleeveless blue dress with a frothy three-quarter jacket of pale blue chiffon.
Margaret studied it and shook her head. “That isn’t me at all.”
Maddy’s next choice was another sleeveless dress, full-length this time. It was straight with slits up both sides. The dress was made of black matte satin covered with huge red poppies. Maddy had a crocheted black jacket that went with it.
Margaret took a long time making up her mind. “I suppose I could try on that one,” she said with no real enthusiasm.
“Well, if it doesn’t work there are plenty more.”
“You sure about this pantyhose thing?” Margaret muttered. Not waiting for a response, she sat on the edge of the bed and pulled off her socks. Maddy unwrapped a fresh pair of nylons and handed them to her.
“Just promise me that if these things wrestle me to the ground, you’ll go for help,” Margaret said wryly.
Maddy laughed outright. After months of visiting Margaret, she’d come to think of her as a dear friend. Raised as she was, Margaret had little concept of what it meant to display—or enjoy—her femininity.
“Are you surprised about Buffalo Bob and Merrily?” Margaret asked as she held up the pantyhose. The long sheer legs dangled from her hands onto the carpet. Margaret stared at them, frowning.
“More pleased than anything.” Maddy guessed this was going to be the most festive social event the town had seen in almost a year—since the Sinclairs’ wedding. With Leta and Hassie’s help, Father McGrath had been persuaded to perform the ceremony. No need to mail out invitations. Everyone in Buffalo Valley and vicinity was invited. The reception would be held at 3 OF A KIND, with a huge buffet included.
Merrily had borrowed Lindsay’s wedding dress, and there was a rumor a three-piece band had been hired to play for the dance. Everyone Maddy knew was planning to attend.
That Buffalo Bob and Merrily were deeply in love was undeniable. Bob didn’t hide his feelings for Merrily and Axel, and in some ways Maddy was envious.
She would have preferred to be married herself, especially since she was nearly seven months pregnant, and definitely self-conscious about it. At least she wouldn’t be the only pregnant woman there. Lindsay was just as big as she was.
Margaret donned the pantyhose and pranced around the room. Then she reached down and touched her toes and squatted like a Sumo wrestler. “Feels like one of those huge jungle snakes got itself wrapped around my waist,” she muttered.
Maddy picked up the discarded package. Sure enough, she’d mistakenly chosen the control-top pantyhose.
“They’re a nice fit,” Maddy assured her.
“You mean to say women can actually breathe wearing these?”
“All the time. Don’t worry, they stretch.”
Margaret sighed deeply. “Just promise to get me out of ’em if I start turning blue.” After removing her vest and shirt, she grabbed the dress. Instead of unzipping it, she pulled it on over her head and squirmed until she was able to right it. She was breathless once she’d finished.
“Next time,” Maddy suggested, “try unzipping it and then stepping into it.”
Margaret’s eyes narrowed. “Oh.”
On Maddy’s recommendation, Margaret had let her hair grow and it was just long enough for styling. Maddy had scheduled an appointment at Jean’s salon the day before the wedding.
“Well?” Margaret asked, slipping into the crocheted jacket, her elbows jerking. “What do you think?”
Maddy pressed her thumb and index finger to her chin as she looked her up and down. “Not bad,” she said. The transformation from jeans to dress was dramatic. But it still needed some adjustment. Margaret’s stance was all wrong—feet apart, hands on her hips as if squaring off against a foe. Her bushy eyebrows were a distraction, too.
“We’re going to have to pluck those eyebrows and then I’ll show you a few tricks with makeup.”
Margaret seemed worried. “Is any of this going to hurt?”
“No,” Maddy assured her. “Well, maybe a few twinges. You’ll survive. If it hurts, just think of Matt.” She didn’t dare voice her real opinion—that Margaret deserved a man better than Matt Eilers. Maddy prayed he wouldn’t end up breaking her heart. Frankly, she couldn’t see Bernard Clemens accepting Matt as a son-in-law, either.
“Is Jeb coming to the wedding?” Margaret asked.
She could always hope, but she was a realist, too. “I doubt it, but I don’t know for sure.”
For a few minutes after that, Margaret was very quiet.
“He drove to Grand Forks with me a couple of weeks back,” Maddy told her, clinging to the wonderful memory of that day with Jeb. When Dr. Leggatt had come in for the examination, Jeb had stood by her side and asked question after question. Maddy had watched his eyes when he first heard the baby’s heartbeat through the stethoscope, and she’d seen a smile of pride and joy overwhelm his features.
“He took a day away from his herd? Busiest part of the season, too.”
“I know.” Maddy hadn’t fully appreciated that at the time, but she did now. He phoned each week, at least once, to check up on her. He wasn’t much of a talker, especially on the phone. Nevertheless, Maddy was always pleased to hear from him.
“Do you think I’m being an idiot about Matt?” Margaret asked, sitting on the bed and leaning back on her arms.
Maddy hesitated. “I don’t know him well enough to say.”
“I do. Matt Eilers is a scoundrel, but I still love him.”
That shocked Maddy. “No one’s perfect,” she said, well aware that it was a weak response.
“Exactly,” Margaret agreed. “Then why is it everyone wants to talk me out of loving him? Everyone but you, that is.”
“I think people are afraid he’s going to hurt you.”
“Yes, but it’s my heart and I can give it to anyone I want, right? And I want Matt. Maddy, sometimes when I think about what it’d be like with him in bed, it’s all I can do not to shed my clothes right in front of him and prove I’m a woman.” She exhaled a deep sigh. “Do you know what it’s like to be that crazy about a man?”
This was where Margaret got her. The question nailed her flat. All she had to do was look down at her stomach.
Indeed, she knew all too well.
Seventeen
Sarah had attended her share of weddings—Rachel Fischer’s, Joanie and Brandon’s, the Sinclairs’. For reasons she didn’t want to explore, she couldn’t seem to sit through one and not cry. She always managed to do it discreetly—but not this time. Even before the music started during the ceremony for Buffalo Bob and Merrily, her eyes had filled with tears. It was embarrassing to sit there in the old Catholic church, weeping as though her heart would break. To make matters worse, Dennis was sitting directly across the aisle from her.
Which, by itself, was enough of a reason for her emotional state. They hadn’t talked in months. He’d gone out with Maddy a few times, but that seemed to be over. The last Sarah had heard, he was seeing a woman in Devils Lake, a single mother, apparently. Mostly she and Dennis avoided each other. Sarah’s plan was to approach him with the truth once her divorce was final. Admitting to the lie was difficult to start with, and when she did confess, she wanted to be able to tell him the matter had been dealt with. Nevertheless, it hurt to look at him, hurt even more not to look at him, especially since she loved him so much.
The music began, and Sarah stood as Buffalo Bob joined Father McGrath at the altar. Bob wore a dark gray suit; it was the first time Sarah had ever seen him not wearing leather. Tall and broad-shouldered, hair neatly trimmed, he looked downright handsome—which came as something of a surprise.
Turning, she watched Merrily walk down the center aisle, carrying a bouquet of prairie wildflowers. The wedding dress was gorgeous with a long, lace-edged train.
The tears started in earnest then, and Sarah continued to cry throughout the rest of the ceremony. At one point, her father passed her his handkerchief and patted her stiffly o
n the back. Calla shrank as far away from her as humanly possible, and for once Sarah didn’t blame her.
“You all right?” Joshua McKenna asked after Bob and Merrily had exchanged their vows. The congregation stood as the bride and groom walked past them. Bob and Merrily, hands clasped, lives joined, left the church. Axel, who’d been sitting with Maddy Washburn, raced toward them and Bob lifted the boy high in the air. His cries of delight could be heard above the music.
Hassie and Leta and a few others were already over at 3 OF A KIND, setting out food for the big buffet. Buffalo Bob had provided the baron of beef and various other dishes, but nearly everyone in the community had wanted to contribute something, too. The tables would be packed with salads, breads and homemade specialties shared at festive times. Sarah knew that Rachel had donated two large pans of her acclaimed lasagna. Heath Quantrill had bought a dozen bottles of champagne in Grand Forks, and Joanie had prepared mushroom and spinach hors d’oeuvres. Sarah could walk by the tables and recognize almost every dish and its maker. She herself had baked cranberry bread from her mother’s recipe and brought it over to Buffalo Bob’s the day before.
“You didn’t answer my question,” Joshua prodded as the church emptied.
Sarah forced herself to smile and nod. “I’m fine…really.”
“This is exactly the kind of wedding I always wanted for you,” her father murmured sadly.
“Grandpa, please,” Calla said in a sarcastic slur.
Sarah and her daughter hardly ever talked anymore; when they did, they just argued or exchanged insults.
“Don’t think I didn’t see you and Dennis giving each other the eye,” Joshua McKenna went on, undaunted. “I don’t know what’s wrong with you two, but fix it. You’re both miserable.”
“Dad…”
“Don’t ‘Dad’ me! It’s high time you listened to what I say.” He confronted Calla, as well. “You, too, young lady. I don’t like either of your attitudes.”