What would his friends think? She could make up something about the play rehearsals if she had to. But the fact was Maddy no longer cared what his friends thought. She had to see Joe, just for a moment. She had to know that all was well between them.
“I’m going out, Mum. I won’t be long.”
“What about supper?”
“I’ll get myself something later. Don’t worry about me.”
“I don’t like you going out by yourself at night, Maddy.”
“I’m only popping in on Cath. And it’s still light.”
Dusk was falling as Maddy walked the short distance into town. The cinema stood at the top end of the High Street: a 1930s building with a pillared front, set back from the traffic behind a broad pavement. In more recent times the town council had planted two small trees in this pavement, and provided two iron benches that faced the passing traffic. The shops were long closed now, and the only signs of life came from the pub opposite and the takeaway kebab counter further down the street.
Maddy sat on one of the benches. She felt dampness on her bottom. She stood up. There was a Coke can lying on its side, and a puddle of spilled Coke on the bench seat. She was wearing blue jeans. She went over to the dark window of a greeting card shop and twisting round, examined the damp patch. It was all too visible, a dark stain on the seat of her jeans. It looked exactly as if she had wet herself.
“Great. Just great.”
A sensation of helplessness possessed her. It was all going wrong. How was she going to explain to Joe why she was waiting for him outside the cinema with wee all over her bum? There wasn’t time to go home and change.
She could always give up. But the sky was getting darker. He wouldn’t notice the damp patch, not if she was facing him. And if they were talking to each other, they had to be facing each other. As for why she was there: she was there to warn him that Leo might be angry with him. Nothing like the simple truth.
She positioned herself with her back to one of the benches, facing the cinema doors, and waited for Joe’s film to end. It was strange to think that he was in there right now, and had no idea that she was outside. She followed the slow movement of the clock hands in the lit foyer.
Then people started coming out. Maddy did her best to look relaxed and casual. Her plan was to make eye contact and then to beckon Joe to her. That way his friends wouldn’t hear what she said to him.
People were coming out in groups of two and three, laughing, talking over each other. They moved away towards the car park and more came after them. There was no sign of Joe. Then a big crowd came out all together, and she couldn’t be sure if he was somewhere in the middle or not. She followed the crowd with her eyes, turning as they passed to catch sight of the ones on the far side. Most of them were boys, but they didn’t look to her like Joe and his friends. It was getting darker.
“Maddy Fisher!”
She spun round. There he was, smiling at her.
“What happened to your bum?”
There by Joe’s side, holding his hand, was Gemma Page.
“Oh, nothing,” said Maddy.
“That movie truly sucked,” he told her. “Just in case you’re thinking of seeing it.”
“I liked it,” said Gemma.
“You like everything.” He grinned at Maddy. “Gemma has no powers of critical thinking whatsoever.”
“No, I haven’t really,” said Gemma, unoffended. “I like most things.”
“You coming, Joe?” called his friends, already crossing the street.
“See you tomorrow,” said Joe to Maddy. Gemma gave her a smile. He and Gemma went on their way.
Maddy stood outside the cinema as the last of the departing crowd trickled away. She felt cold.
Slowly she made her way back home. Nothing made sense.
What was Gemma doing there?
No surprise that Joe had said nothing when he saw her. What could he say with Gemma standing right beside him? But wasn’t Gemma supposed to be in hospital?
She reran the brief exchange in her memory, analyzing it for clues. Joe had been quite rude about Gemma, almost as if he’d been saying to Maddy, “I’d rather be seeing a film with you.” He had said, “See you tomorrow.” Was that his way of telling her they’d find a moment tomorrow to talk to each other openly? She replayed the way he had said, “What happened to your bum?” He had grinned, as if he was saying, “I really like your bum.”
So maybe not such a disaster after all.
That night after she had gone to bed an email came from Joe at last.
We have to talk. Meet me at 10 a.m. tomorrow by the pond in Victoria Park.
He must have sent it in a hurry. But it was enough. They’d be able to talk properly at last.
She could sleep now.
17
Only a bit of fun
From the moment Maddy entered the park she was looking out for Joe. It was Saturday morning and there were several other people in the small park, strolling its winding paths, sitting on its many benches. She hurried past the banked masses of rhododendrons, past the disused bandstand, to the pond at the heart of the park.
Benches stood at intervals all round the pond, and on each bench there was a single person. It was comical and sad at the same time, the way each of them wanted a bench to themselves. But then Maddy thought, I want a bench of my own too, where Joe can join me. Maybe they’re all waiting for the one they love.
Pigeons rose and fell in sudden clatters. Ducks came waddling out of the shallow water, stabbing for the torn bread and the cold chips thrown their way by the lone watchers on the benches. Occasionally a seagull came squawking out of the sky to carry off a fragment of food.
Maddy walked right round the long tree-fringed pond and did not find Joe. So she had arrived first.
A middle-aged woman who had been feeding the birds from a Waitrose bag now came to the end of her supply. The pigeons and the ducks at once abandoned her. The woman rose from the bench and shuffled away.
Maddy took her place.
How cruel animals are, she thought. They make no pretence of love. Feed them and they come to you. Offer them nothing and they go. And yet lonely people return day after day, with more bread in their plastic bags, willing the birds to remember them, hoping this time the grateful clamor will turn into love.
Her phone beeped. A text from Cath: Where R U? Maddy checked the time on her phone. After ten. Where was Joe?
“Maddy?”
She jumped up, looked round. It was Grace.
“Oh, hello, Grace.”
“I was hoping I’d find you,” said Grace.
“Actually, now’s not a good time,” said Maddy quickly. “I’m meeting someone here.”
“Yes, I know,” said Grace. “You’re meeting Joe.”
Maddy stared. “How did you know?”
“He told me.”
“I don’t understand,” Maddy said.
“Joe was going to come. Really he was. But in the end he couldn’t face it. So I said, ‘Someone has to go and tell her.’ Joe said, ‘I can’t.’ So I’ve come.”
Maddy sat down on the bench. She felt faint.
“Tell her what?”
“I’m really sorry, Mad. It was never meant to be much of anything. But it’s not fair to let it go on any more. Like I said to Joe, better to stop it before it goes too far. Joe says it’s only a bit of fun and no harm done, but even so.”
“Only a bit of fun?”
“We did it so Gemma wouldn’t find out about Joe and me.”
Maddy heard a rushing sound in her ears. Everything was turning fuzzy before her eyes.
Grace chattered on.
“Gemma was getting so sharp-eyed. Don’t you believe that dumb blonde act. Gemma knows what’s what. So we wanted to give her someone else to watch. And you were having a bit of a flirt with Joe. It wasn’t anything serious, so we knew Gemma would find nothing.”
Maddy dug her fingernails into her palms.
“W
hat do you mean, Joe and you?”
“We’ve been seeing each other.”
Joe and Grace. It wasn’t possible.
“How? Where?”
“Where no one sees us. Mostly in Leo’s place. He’s often away.”
Joe and Grace in Leo’s place. In the evenings after school. A fridge for the booze, a bed for the babes.
“I just thought you had to be told before you got in too deep. It’s okay so long as it’s just a bit of harmless fun. Joe kept on saying to me, ‘Stop worrying, Maddy’s cool, she’s a great girl, we’re just having a laugh.’ But I said, ‘Maddy’s my friend. We’ve got to stop.’ ”
Maddy felt sick. Not like she wanted to throw up, but like the swimmy feeling that comes before.
“How long has this been going on?”
“Oh, weeks. Since the summer.”
Weeks. Grace’s secret lover. Had she watched porn with him?
“So all those emails. They were just for a laugh?”
“Well, and to keep the flirtation going. So Gemma wouldn’t get suspicious of me.”
“Joe didn’t mean them?”
“I don’t know what he said. He told me there was nothing serious in them. I mean, no wild declarations of love or anything. He said he was taking care not to lead you on or anything.”
Maddy said nothing.
“Is that right, Mad? It was all pretty silly stuff, wasn’t it?”
“Yes. Pretty silly stuff.”
She couldn’t help herself. Tears started to roll down her cheeks.
“Oh, God. You really mind, don’t you?”
Maddy couldn’t speak.
“Oh, hell. What a stupid bitch I am. It’s all my fault.”
She sat down on the bench by Maddy.
“It was Joe’s idea,” she said, “but I never should have gone along with it. All I was thinking was how to keep our secret. I’m so sorry, Mad. I’ve really messed you up, haven’t I?”
Maddy shrugged as she wept.
“Have you really got in deep?”
Maddy nodded. She pulled out a tissue and dabbed at her eyes.
“Oh, God. I’m so useless. Now you’ll hate me forever. I don’t blame you. Can I borrow a tissue?”
Maddy handed over a tissue. Grace had tears in her eyes too.
“At least I told you before it really went too far. I mean, nothing’s really happened, has it?”
“No,” said Maddy.
“It’s not like your heart’s broken or anything.”
“No,” said Maddy.
She watched the ducks on the pond, wanting not to think about the hurt. Wanting not to enter the waiting unhappiness. The ducks went round and round, up and down the pond. Why? All that energy, all for nothing.
“Maddy, I don’t have the right to ask this. But will you keep our secret?”
“What?”
“Me and Joe.”
“Yes. Of course.”
“It’s just that we don’t want Gemma to know.”
Gemma who had been by Joe’s side as they came out of the cinema last night. Gemma who was supposed to be in hospital. What was all this about Gemma?
“I don’t get it,” said Maddy. “Why doesn’t Joe just leave Gemma?”
“He wants to,” said Grace.
“So why doesn’t he? Do us all a favor.”
“It’s not as easy as that.”
“Okay, so Gemma won’t like it. But it’s coming anyway.”
“Yes,” said Grace. She spoke hesitantly, as if there was more.
“If you ask me,” said Maddy, “Joe’s behaving really badly. He should be straight with Gemma.” Her voice rose as she found this outlet for her own anger. “What does he think he’s doing, letting Gemma go on believing he loves her? Is everything just a game to him? I can’t believe he can be so uncaring, and selfish, and—and—just so stupid.”
“You’re right,” said Grace. “Of course. Only, it’s more complicated than that.”
“How is it more complicated?”
“Well, I’m not supposed to tell anyone.”
“So don’t tell me. I don’t care. What difference does it make anyway? You’re all right, aren’t you? You’ve got what you want.”
Tears welled up in Grace’s eyes once more.
“I knew this is what would happen. I knew you’d end up hating me.”
“I don’t hate you,” said Maddy, feeling the anger tearing at her inside. “I don’t hate anyone. I just think it’s all horrible and stupid and wrong.”
“Sorry,” said Grace. “I need another tissue.”
“Get your own tissues!”
Grace gave a little gasp. Maddy stood up. It had all become unbearable. She had to get away.
She would have walked away there and then, except that Grace grabbed hold of her left wrist and wouldn’t let go.
“Please, Maddy.”
She started to sob.
Who’s having the bad time here? thought Maddy. But she didn’t pull her hand away from Grace’s desperate grasp.
“We used to be really good friends, Maddy. Please. I need friends.”
The situation was becoming ridiculous. Grace was the winner here, now and always. Grace was the one the boys wanted. But she had to have Maddy too.
“Friends don’t do what you’ve done, Grace. Not even for a laugh. Not what you’ve done to me. Not what you’re doing to Gemma.”
“If only you knew.”
“Knew what? Go on. Tell me Gemma’s got terminal cancer.”
“No. It’s not cancer.”
“So what is it?”
“Swear you won’t tell a soul?”
“Yes, yes. I won’t tell.”
Grace let go of her hand and blew her nose with her old tissue. Then she looked up at Maddy, eyes glistening, more gorgeous than ever.
“She’s pregnant.”
“Oh.” Maddy frowned. That changed everything. She thought, This isn’t about me anymore. “What’s she going to do?”
“Joe wants her to get rid of it. She wants to get rid of it. Mostly because she knows that’s what Joe wants, and she wants to please him. But if Joe told her he was going to break up with her—you know, Gemma’s not the way she comes across: she’s really sly and manipulative. If she thought Joe wanted to leave her she’d go ahead and have the baby. To make him stay.”
Maddy struggled to make sense of this.
“He’s going on being nice to her so she’ll have an abortion?”
“Yes. And like he says, that’s best for Gemma too. She shouldn’t be having a baby at eighteen. Not on her own.”
“But she’s not on her own.”
“She will be.”
In its crazy way it was beginning to make sense.
“You really think she’d have the baby even if she knew Joe wanted to break up with her?”
“Come on, Maddy. You know how it goes. It’s the oldest trick in the book.”
“So Joe has to go on pretending.”
“She’s almost agreed. We thought she had agreed and then she had a wobble. He’s working on her.”
“My God. Poor Gemma.”
“Don’t feel sorry for Gemma. How come you think she got pregnant in the first place? She’s trying to trap Joe. Joe’s trying to get out. You can’t blame him for that.”
“No. I suppose not.”
“But you see how important it is you don’t tell anyone.”
“Yes.”
“You see it now?”
“Yes.”
“Do you still hate me?”
“A bit.”
“Well, I deserve that.”
She looked at Maddy with her big beautiful eyes swimming in tears, a pleading, hopeful little smile on her lips, like a lost puppy.
“You really are a bitch, Grace.”
“I know.”
She stood up, sensing Maddy softening, and all at once they were in each other’s arms. They hugged and sobbed and felt each other’s tears on each other’s ch
eeks until Maddy pulled out her last tissue and they shared it.
“You be good to him,” Maddy said. “Even if he is a hardhearted shit.”
“And you won’t give us away? Not till it’s sorted?”
“I won’t give you away.”
They walked back through the park together.
“I promise you, Mad,” said Grace, “one day we’ll laugh about this together, you and me.”
“And cry.”
“You’ve been amazing. You’re such a special person.”
“Yeah. Tell that to Joe.”
Alone once more Maddy found that she was slowly absorbing the new reality as revealed to her by Grace. Some things that had not made sense before now fell into place. Grace, who had seemed to be on her own, had a boyfriend after all. And Joe, who had seemed so eager in his emails and then not so eager when they met, Joe had just been playing a game with her.
It was hard to bear. So hard. Not just the loss of Joe. The feeling that she’d made a fool of herself.
She looked back over Joe’s emails, reread through tears the phrases that had made her so happy.
Go on the same as ever at school.
I hate it that it all has to be a secret.
I have this stupid feeling you understand me.
Of course it all added up to nothing. She saw that now. It was the secrecy that had made it so exciting.
Just a game for Joe. He never meant to break her heart. An unkind game, perhaps. Now she would have to pretend it had all meant very little to her. Her own pride required it. No one knew she’d been in love with Joe. Only Cath and Grace. So her shame would at least not be public. That just left the heartbreak.
She decided to send Joe one last email. If he chose to think it had all been a game she didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of thinking she had been fooled. She would have to go on seeing him daily right through to next summer. It was a matter of self-respect.
I guess this is the last of our secret emails, she wrote. It’s been fun, but all good things must come to an end. At least I’ve still got Cyril.
She sent it and waited for a while for a reply, but none came. This hurt her. It would have shown generosity on his part to end their little flirtation on a friendly note. But he remained silent.
Our little flirtation.
Maddy felt the grief rising within her. She curled up on her bed and hugged Bunby close in her arms. Alone, she had no need of pride. Now came the great drowning wave of loss.