Maddy went looking for her mother. She was in the shop storeroom unpacking and pricing the latest delivery of glasswork from Rajasthan.
“You shouldn’t be doing this, Mum. Ellen can do this.”
“I like to keep busy. You know me.”
“Dad says he’s not leaving.”
“No. Not for now, at least.”
She went on cutting her way through layers of brown parcel tape.
“Is that what you want?”
“Yes,” she said. “I think so.”
“So does it make you a little bit happier?”
“Yes. A little bit.”
Mrs. Fisher put down her scissors.
“Come here, darling.”
Maddy went gladly into her mother’s arms.
“It’s all because of you. The things you said to Mike made all the difference.”
“What did I say?”
“He says you told him we all have to have someone to love. He says he never thought of it like that before.”
“I hope I’m right.”
“It’s a start, at least. You can’t love someone who won’t be loved. It wears you out.”
“I’m so sorry, Mum. You deserve better.”
“I’ve got what I’ve got. I’d rather have him than not have him. We’ve been together for twenty-five years. That’s almost half my life. Mind you, he’s been away a lot. Has he been any good as a father?”
“He’s just been Dad. I’ve never really thought.” Maddy thought about it now. “I’ve always loved him. And I’ve always felt he loves me.”
“He does. Very much. Funny old Mike.”
“I couldn’t bear to have him leave us.”
“You know,” said her mother reflectively, “I truly don’t think he had any idea how much we all loved him. He still seems slightly stunned by it all. I think he imagined we’d just say good riddance.”
“Aren’t men strange?” said Maddy. “Like children. If they don’t get everything they want they go into a sulk and say they want nothing.”
Her mother smiled tenderly.
“What do you know about men, my darling?”
“Nothing, really.”
“I do so want it to be better for you than it was for me.”
Maddy knew how much her mother wanted her to be happy. She never cross-questioned her about her boyfriends or the lack of them the way so many mothers did. Now that there was something to tell her at last it seemed mean to keep it to herself.
“I have got a sort of a boyfriend,” she said.
“That’s nice, darling.”
Just the right tone to her response. Pleased, but not too eager for details. Taking it in her stride.
“He’s a boy in my year. He’s called Rich.”
“And you like him, this sort of a boyfriend?”
“More than I expected. A lot more.”
“Well, I’d like to meet him. If you want me to.”
Maddy couldn’t bring herself to say she was in love. She was shy of making such a grand claim. Time enough to talk of love later. It was all so new.
Rich phoned after supper.
“We’ve got this tent,” he said. “I was thinking we could pitch it in the tree barn.”
“Rich,” said Maddy, “hasn’t your gran just died?”
“Yes.”
“Shouldn’t you be thinking about her?”
“I’ve thought about her. Now I’m back to thinking about you.”
“So what’s this tent?”
“I was thinking it would give us some privacy.”
“Oh. Right.”
“Do you think it’s a good idea?”
“What about the cushion room in our shop? That’s private.”
“Yes, but it’s yours. The tent would be ours.”
Maddy understood at once. He wanted to create a new space for their new life that was about to start. She would never have thought of that.
“You have been thinking about it.”
“All the time.”
“Isn’t this all a bit, well, planned?”
“You think everything should happen on the spur of the moment?”
“Well, a bit.”
“The thing is, I think of nothing else.”
“Me too.”
“So we might as well give up on the spontaneity thing and go with the planning thing.”
“You don’t think that might be a passion killer?”
“Only if it is for you.”
“All right. Let’s go with the tent.”
“I think we should wait until after Gran’s funeral,” said Rich. “I don’t know why. I just feel we should.”
“A last act of respect.”
“The funeral’s Thursday morning.”
“So Friday, then.”
“I was thinking in terms of Thursday evening.”
“Won’t your house be full of relatives?”
“All the more reason to have somewhere else to go.”
“Thursday evening, then. You bring the tent. I’ll bring some brownies or something.”
“And I’ll come prepared.”
Maddy understood. She had been wondering if he would raise the matter.
“Actually, that’s not a problem. I’m fixed up.”
“Oh. Great.” Relief in his voice. “Brownies sound great too.”
By the next day Maddy found the tale of her attack on Leo was the talk of the school. It had grown in the telling. The word was that she had clubbed Leo down with a chair and kicked him in the head as he lay on the floor. What no one knew was why.
Maddy refused to explain.
“He had it coming,” was all she said.
The natural assumption was that she had been having an affair with Leo and that they had had a falling out. This raised Maddy hugely in the general estimation.
Max Heilbron said to Rich, “Did you hear about Maddy Fisher beating up Leo Finnigan in the Rainbow? Oh, man! I wish she’d beat me up.”
“I expect she had her reasons,” said Rich.
“Fucking Ada, Rich! Why do you have to be so sensible? A girl who fights is a girl who fucks.”
“How do you know?”
“Everyone knows. It’s all about getting physical.”
“I don’t think Maddy Fisher’s been doing anything with Leo Finnigan, if that’s what you mean.”
“Oh, grow up, Rich. Of course she has.”
He called over to Cath Freeman, who was near by.
“Hey, Cath. Maddy’s been getting it on with Leo Finnigan, right?”
“Wrong.”
“Oh, yeah. Sure I’m wrong. Like, I’m not stupid, you know.”
“No. You’re a tit.”
“Who’re you calling a tit, dog face?”
Cath flew at Max, fists pummeling. Max went down, arms over his head, trying to defend himself from the rain of blows.
“Rich! Get her off me!”
“A girl who fights, Max.”
“Help! Ow! Stop!”
“Apologize!”
“Yes! I apologize. I won’t say it again.”
Cath stopped punching.
“Oh, boy!” She shook her arms. “That felt good.”
Max stood up. His eyes were fixed on Cath with an entirely new look in them.
“You hit hard,” he said.
Joe found an opportunity to talk to Maddy alone.
“Me and Mum sat Leo down last night and told him he had to get help. He’s going to see a shrink.”
“You think it’ll make any difference?”
“We told him he was going to end up in prison if he didn’t sort himself out.”
“Joe, he doesn’t even think he’s doing anything wrong.”
“Yes, he does. His problem is it’s the only way he can get there.”
“The only way he can get aroused?”
“Yes.”
“Oh, God. Sometimes I just want to give up. People are so messed up.”
“You hitting him.
It really shocked him.”
“He looked like it was all one big joke.”
“No. It shocked him. And he has a huge bump on his head.”
“I didn’t mean to. It just happened. I was so upset about Grace and Imo. And there he was, laughing.”
“You’ve done him a favor, Maddy.” He gave her his easy smile. “You’re quite a girl.”
33
The first time
They met at the gate by the track up the wooded hillside. Rich was already there when Maddy arrived. At his feet stood a bulging rucksack.
“How long are we going away for?” said Maddy. “A month?”
“That’s the tent,” said Rich. “And the sleeping bags. And the pillows.”
“Pillows!”
“I thought it would make us more comfortable.”
“Oh, Rich.”
“Do you think I’m a bit odd?”
“I think you do a lot of thinking ahead. I’m very glad you do. But it is a bit odd.” She laughed and then gave him a kiss. “A good kind of odd.”
Rich heaved his pack onto his back and they set off up the track. The sky was overcast, threatening rain, and between the trees there were deep shadows. They walked one behind the other in silence, hearing their footfalls, aware of no other sounds.
At the tree barn Rich lowered his pack and took out the bundle that would become their tent. He paced out the ground beneath the spreading branches of the ash tree.
“Just big enough,” he declared.
They put up the tent together in the fading light. It was harder than Rich had expected.
“Funny,” he said, trying to puzzle out which way round the lining went. “It was easy when I did it in the garden.”
“Did you practice in the garden?”
“Yes. It was easy.”
“What on earth did your family think you were doing?”
“The Tiny Footsteps thought it was for them. They played houses in it.”
He got the groundsheet the right way round at last, and quite suddenly a tent-shape rose between them. It was a rectangular ridge tent of the old-fashioned kind, made of dark green fabric. Its two tent poles refused to stay upright on their own. Maddy held one up while Rich ran out the guy ropes. This revealed an unforeseen problem. The guy ropes needed a far greater area than the tent itself. In two of the four directions they ran up against the stone wall of the ruined barn.
Rich gazed at the obstacles in dismay.
“You could tie one rope to the tree,” said Maddy.
“Yes. Good idea.”
Then he found a heavy iron staple embedded in the wall. Another rope could be tied to that. By the time they were done the two poles were tilted in opposite directions, but the tent was up.
Rich now unrolled the two sleeping bags he had brought. He and Maddy zipped them together to form one double bag. It filled the entire floor of the tent. The pillows followed.
“Now you go in,” said Rich.
Maddy stooped and crept into the tent.
“There’s not much room,” she said. “It’s dark.”
Rich followed, bringing with him a small electric lantern. He put it down at one end and switched it on. At once the fabric of the tent became solid and substantial.
They sat on the sleeping bags, their arms round their knees, and looked round them.
“It is a bit small,” said Rich.
“I expect it’ll seem bigger when we’re lying down.”
“We should have gone to your cushion room. This is a stupid idea.”
“No,” said Maddy. “I love it. It’s like living in the woods.”
Through the half-open door flap they could see the lower branches of the ash tree, and beyond it the trunks of the beech trees in the twilight.
“Let’s hope it’s waterproof,” said Rich. “The forecast is for rain.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t want you to change your mind.”
“But what if it rains?”
“Too late now.”
“Honestly, Rich.”
He put one arm round her. She leaned close against him. They kissed.
“Is the idea that we get inside the sleeping bag?” she said.
“Yes. That’s the plan.”
“In our clothes?”
“Well, maybe some of them. Or none.”
“None would be best.”
They kissed again, but they made no move to take off their clothes.
“No hurry,” said Maddy.
Despite their intentions for the evening they were both shy of undressing. So they stretched out in the light of the lantern and talked.
“Does it all seem to you to have happened really quickly?” said Maddy. “It does to me.”
“How long has it been?”
“How long since when?”
“Since you started thinking of me this way?”
“I suppose it started at your gran’s party. I watched you singing with your family and it made me feel happy. I wanted to join in.”
“Not at Pablo’s house?”
“Oh, yes. I forgot about that. Yes, that was special. But you were still going on about Grace.”
“Only as a cover.”
“Really?”
“It started for me when we sat by the river and ate yum-yums.”
“Oh, God! That was so gross.”
“I just liked being with you.”
“But I bet you never thought you’d end up here.”
“No. Never.”
“Then I came back to your place and you did the lights for Kitty’s doll’s house. It was so pretty when the lights went on. I was almost as excited as Kitty.”
It gave them both exquisite pleasure to retrace the steps they had taken towards each other. And here they were at the end of the journey, in this little green tent.
“Actually, you know what,” said Maddy. “I think it started for me when you walked into the lamppost.”
“It did not! You were mooning over Joe Finnigan.”
“Yes, I was. But that’s when I first really noticed you.”
“After all these years.”
“Well, I’m sorry. Anyway, you can’t talk. You walked into the lamppost because you were staring at Grace.”
“I must have been off my head.”
“She is very beautiful.”
“Not half as beautiful as you.”
“Oh, Rich. That’s silly.”
“No, I mean it.”
He raised himself up on one elbow so that he could look into her close smiling face. The low light of the lantern cast deep shadows.
“Cross my heart and hope to die,” he said.
“Don’t die,” she said. “We’re only just starting. Even if we are going a bit slow.”
“I don’t mind.”
“Don’t you, Rich? Really?”
“I can’t believe I’ve got this far. Any moment now you’re going to say, ‘Off you go, it was all just a joke.’ ”
“No, I won’t. I’ve had enough jokes.” She stroked his face, tracing lines over his nose and lips. “This time it’s serious.”
“You have no idea how serious.”
“Don’t I?”
She felt down his body to his crotch. There she found a hard ridge.
“How long has that been going on?”
“Ages. It’s not nearly as shy as me.”
“Maybe we should do something about it.”
She reached down and unzipped his jeans. He pushed his underpants out of the way so that his cock could stand free.
Maddy stroked it softly.
“I love you, Maddy,” he said. “I love you.”
“That’s just sex.”
He rolled into her arms, his body pressing against hers. They kissed eagerly.
“My turn,” said Maddy. She started to pull her top over her head.
“I’ll tell you what,” said Rich. “I’ll switch out the light.”
He reache
d over to the lantern and clicked its switch. The tent was plunged into darkness.
“Now I can’t see a thing.”
Both of them knew that they were happier getting undressed in the darkness. It was an odd sort of shyness, and not one they wanted to talk about.
Rich was still tugging off his jeans when Maddy started to wriggle her way into the sleeping bag.
“Oh, there’s the pillow. That’s lovely.” Then, a moment later, “Ow. There’s lumps underneath.”
“Oh, God,” said Rich. “They’ll be under the ground sheet. I should have thought of that.”
Naked, he joined her in the sleeping bag. They lay side by side gazing up at the dark roof of the tent. Their eyes adjusted to the gloom, and they could make out the strip of gray light where the tent flap was not fully closed.
Maddy felt with her hand for Rich’s body. Rich started to shiver.
“There you go,” said Maddy.
“I can’t help it.”
“Have you got sharp lumps under where you’re lying?”
“Yes.”
“Next time bring a mattress too.”
They stroked each other, lying side by side on their backs. A slow time of exploration.
“Which part do you like me touching best?” she said. “Apart from the obvious.”
“Here.” He placed her hand on his inner thighs.
“Like, the nearer your cock the better.”
“Pretty much.”
“Do you want me to worship your cock? Would you like it if I wore bunny ears?”
“No,” he said. “I like the ears you’ve got.”
“How about sucking?”
“Do you want to?”
“I’m not sure. I’ve never tried. I’m a bit nervous about it.”
“Then don’t. I like what we’re doing now. To be honest I’m about as worked up as I could be, just having you by me with no clothes on.”
“Really?”
“Here. Feel my heart.”
“Wow.”
“That’s what you do to me.”
“But wouldn’t any girl do the same? So long as she was naked.”
“Maybe,” said Rich. “But with you I feel excited and safe, both at the same time.”
“That’s how I feel,” said Maddy.
He wriggled his body, all the way down to his toes.
“I love having a body,” he said. “You make me love having a body.”
“I love having your body too,” she said.
They rolled onto their sides and intertwined their legs, pressing their bodies close together again. Rich found he was moving his hips against her.