I can’t believe I’m writing all of this down. I’m going to stop now before I make a bigger fool of myself. Try not to laugh too much at your whacked big brother . . .
~
I hadn’t listened to the Rubber Soul album since my birthday. I was almost afraid to listen to it now, but in spite of that, I put it on last night and realized why I’d been afraid to listen for so long. The music—it wasn’t the same. All of the songs sounded different to me now. Completely different feelings and thoughts swirled inside me, and before I knew what was happening, I was bawling like a baby. I couldn’t stop crying long after the last song had finished.
I blamed the dream I had that night—the night before Halloween—on the Beatles. And my crying fit. It was definitely the strangest dream I’ve ever had. And likely ever would have. The whole thing probably lasted a mere minute, but it drilled its way into my consciousness and seemed far too real to be just a dream.
In the dream, I saw a young man with dark black hair, dressed all in white. His back was towards me, his attention taken with something he held in his hands. Slowly, the young man turned around to look at me. One look at those eyes, that face, and I knew—it was Brett! My heart leapt, but as he looked at me, even though he wore a small attempt at a smile, there were tears in his eyes. And then, he looked at the object in his hands again, and he looked at me with a heart-wrenching, pleading look on his face that made me start to cry, too. It was all too strange—I couldn’t handle more. Brett seemed to know because he disappeared in a flash, and I was awake, crying real tears of my own into my pillow.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
I’d been standing in front of the trophy case after school staring at Brett’s impishly grinning face, mulling over my dream. I finally pulled myself away from Brett’s eyes to glance at my watch.
“Jason’s going to kill me!” I said out loud. I snatched up my book bag and raced out the school doors. At Jason’s request, even though Halloween fell on a Thursday and our weekly English papers were due on Friday, I’d agreed to come over and tutor him as usual.
“Come over to your house and study on Halloween? Are you kidding?”
“I just want you to take one final look at my paper before I hand it in.”
“But surely you of all people have big party plans for Halloween!”
“With this leg? Not even. My dad has to work late, so my mom’s driving Emily to go trick-or-treating with cousins. Adam won’t be here, so that leaves me to hand out candy.”
Although I’d rolled my eyes, the hopeful look on his face when he’d asked had me shamelessly looking forward to spending Halloween with him.
I was full of apologies after I’d screeched the cruddy car to a stop in front of Jason’s house and sprinted for the front door. “It’s already five o’clock—I’m so sorry—I was studying at school and lost track of time—If I’m too late and you want to forget it, I totally understand—”
“Stop!” Jason grinned and hobbled on his crutches back to where he’d been languishing in the front fancy living room by a big bowl full of candy. “It’s no problem. Really. I’ve just been finishing up my own paper here.”
“Well, then,” I took a seat on a recliner. “Let’s take a look.”
Ever since our conversation about the Spirit, Jason had become more confident in bringing up religious subjects. Every day this week, he’d found a way to work a story from his Book of Mormon into our conversation. Rather than feeling annoyed over it, though, I was impressed at how skillfully he was able to find something religious to say that truly did relate to our assignment. He definitely knew his Book of Mormon, and his enthusiasm in spouting off chapters and verses made me smile. Even laugh out loud. Which happened tonight while he excitedly told me about yet another adventure of a man named Nephi.
“And no one knew it was him instead of Laban—not even his own brothers! Truly amazing story. One of my favorites.” I was trying not to smile, but Jason had been watching me too closely and narrowed his eyes at me. “Hey, what’s so funny?”
“You are.”
Jason raised an eyebrow. “Me?”
“Yes—you. Don’t be offended. I’m not laughing at your Bible story.”
“No? Then what is it about me that’s so hilarious?”
“You talk about this book as if it’s the latest action movie instead of an old Bible book!”
“‘Old Bible book’? Just because it wasn’t written yesterday doesn’t mean it’s not exciting. And for your information, it is pretty action-packed. Remind me to tell you about the stripling warriors some time.”
I grinned. “I’ll try to remember.”
Jason laughed. “Sorry—I get excited over things that are important to me.”
“Don’t apologize. It’s one of the more appealing qualities about you.”
“More appealing? You mean all of them aren’t?”
Before I could say something fitting, the doorbell rang, and I watched while Jason struggled up onto his crutches and tried to clutch the bowl of trick or treat candy and hobble to the door before I hurried and snatched the bowl from him, saving it from crashing to the floor.
“I can do this—really,” Jason protested.
“No, you can’t. Really. You’ll hurt yourself. So just sit down and let me do this, okay?”
Jason reluctantly gave in, but even he had to agree it was easier to let me take care of the little ghosts and witches that came pounding at the front door. Somehow in between all of the doorbell ringing and door knocking and kids laughing and screeching, we made it through Jason’s paper. I’d barely finished reading the last sentence when some really loud pounding on the front door could be heard. I sighed and reached for the candy bowl and opened the door.
Frozen in place, I stared at Brad and Jeff, who wore the same surprised look on their faces I knew I had on mine. Jeff finally grunted, “Is Jason around?” I numbly stepped back to let them enter, and seconds later, they were loudly talking and laughing with Jason, and I was wishing I was anywhere in the world but here.
“Hey, what’s up?” Jason finally said.
“Angela’s party. She asked us to come get you.” Jeff glanced my way briefly, but I only stared stonily back.
“Oh, yeah—I forgot. Kathy’s been helping me with my English paper—”
Which was my cue to make my escape. “But we’re done, so I think I’ll take off.”
Jason at least had the decency to look concerned. “Kathy—”
“You’re coming, aren’t you, Jason?” Brad interrupted as he grabbed Jason’s crutches and tried to balance on them, nearly toppling all over Jason in the process.
“Well, no one else is here to hand out candy.” I almost felt sorry for Jason. He looked so torn and helpless and uncomfortable. His attempt to be Cool on top of it all would’ve been amusing, except that I didn’t feel like smiling anymore.
Both Jeff and Brad had a good guffaw over Jason’s pitiful excuse. Neither felt the urge to notice I was still in the room and wasn’t a plant or a piece of furniture, but I knew hoping for that was asking for too much. I inched my way to the door and forced a big smile on my face. “Have fun at the party, Jason. I’ll see you in class tomorrow.” And then I quickly slipped out the front door, ran to the cruddy car, and drove for home as fast as I legally could.
~
May 3
Dear Kitty,
Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me,
Happy Birthday to ME—EE!! (yeah, it’s my birthday today!)
Happy Birthday to ME!!
Yep, today’s the big day! Your Big Brother Brett is now the Big Sixteen! The only thing I wanted to do for my birthday was go to the DMV, so Mom and Dad let me take a day off from school in honor of my birthday. Just like I knew I would, I passed the written test with flying colors, and I passed the driver’s test my first try. Mom even let me drive the car home. Kelly’s head will deflate once he’s forced to deal with the truth that I’m truly the better driver!
/> Since today’s my Big Sixteenth Birthday, we had cake and ice cream and presents, but you gave me the best present of all. It took a lot of practicing, but now you can sit up all by yourself, which you showed off on my birthday! I’ve sat you down on the floor so many times, only to have you nose dive into the carpet, that I got all excited and clapped my hands. You laughed and clapped your hands, too. Everyone was excited, because no one thought you could sit up by yourself yet. I knew you’d get the hang of it soon, but I never thought you’d catch on and do it perfectly on my birthday. You must have been doing some practicing on your own behind my back, little sneak that you are! Thanks for giving me such an awesome present . . .
May 7
Dear Kitty,
Well, all of my hard work—and, okay, everyone else’s hard work, too—has really paid off. The musical was sold out every night. We had to extend it a few more nights, which has never happened at our school before. We were great, thanks mostly to the professional acting done by yours truly! Miss Goforth was so happy she cried.
Both football and drama give me a rush that nothing else can, but the thing that really got my adrenaline pumping was the night Jennifer came to the play. I couldn’t believe it when I saw her standing in line to buy a ticket. I barely had time to say, “Come backstage after the show,” before I had to hurry back down the hall to finish getting ready. After the play was over, having Jennifer walk into the drama room and then seeing her face light up when she saw me—wow. Kitty, that was something. And before I could do or say anything, she threw her arms around me and said, “Congratulations—that was so good—you were so funny—you’re amazing!” I hugged her back and enjoyed the jealous looks I got from all my cohorts who were watching me with this incredibly gorgeous blonde who’s Jennifer.
Now that the musical is over and it’s time to tear down the scenery, I’m going to miss seeing and working with everyone in the play. Kitty, you’ve got to get involved in drama when you go to high school. Considering the amazing acting genes in this family, I know you’ll come by this naturally. I’ll bet you’ll be the best actress the school has ever seen . . .
CHAPTER TWENTY
I had the dream again on Halloween night. Again, Brett turned to me, holding something tight against his chest with a small, wistful smile on his face. I still couldn’t tell what he was holding, and again, he quickly disappeared. I woke up fast when I could feel tears threatening to break loose.
I couldn’t stop thinking about the dream—both dreams—until the sight of a certain someone sitting in his front row seat in Honors English brought my feet to a surprised halt.
“Hey, Kathy!”
Jason! “So—you’re back. And on a Friday, no less!”
Jason grinned and shrugged. “I was getting sick of lying on
the couch all the time. And I wanted to hand in my English paper personally.”
“You’re even early to class! How did you make that miracle happen?”
Jason laughed. “My seminary teacher took pity on me and let me out early so I’d make it safely over to the school.”
I nodded. “Nice.”
Students started to file in, mostly to exclaim “hello” and “welcome back” and “how’s your knee” to Jason, so I quickly eased out of the crowd and moved to my own desk.
Even though having Jason in the room was distracting, another boy with dark hair disturbed my thoughts far more. I couldn’t get those visions, as Jason would likely call them, out of my head. For once, I didn’t venture one comment during the entire class period. Jason sneaked a look in my direction once or twice, surprising me with the worried frown he gave me, but we didn’t have a chance to speak after class due to the onslaught of more well-wishers who wanted to welcome Jason back.
~
May 10
Dear Kitty,
The last dance of school—the senior ball—is coming up. Kelly thinks I should ask Jennifer. I ran into her on my way out of the hospital the other day when I was there for a checkup. I was in such a good mood that I stopped and joked with her for a minute. For all of my big talk about how I love being on stage and how I’m not intimidated by anyone, I guess I’ve found the one thing that turns my backbone into spaghetti. Crazy. I’ve faced some bad looking guys on the football field, and I’ve stood on stage a million times in front of tons of people doing plays, but ask Jennifer to the dance—this is harder than anything I’ve ever had to do before. Believe me, Kitty. Liking someone is the most nerve-wracking thing you’ll ever do. Believe me . . .
July 10
Dear Kitty,
Summer is just zooming by—Kelly and Alex have been lifting weights with me every day, and summer football clinics have been going great, too. I’m determined to make up for lost time. I’m definitely back on the team, with both Alex and Kelly playing Varsity, too, and this time, we’re taking state! I’m going to play better than I ever have before. Alex never stops worrying about me, but that’s fine. I feel great, and that’s all that matters to me right now.
And you—you’re amazing! Every day you find a way to surprise me. I can’t decide if it’s just a girl thing or if it’s your own unique gift. One thing’s for sure that proves you’re definitely a girl, and have some of Sam in you, is that you love hanging out in the bathroom too much. Kelly and I were supposed to be watching you today, but we got too involved zoning out in front of the TV. We were dead tired from football practice, and somehow we got off on another one of our religious tangents—something we haven’t done much lately. I know Kelly’s missed it, but the scary part is that I’m actually listening.
Midway into our discussion, we heard squeals and laughter coming from the bathroom, so we scrambled over each other to get down the hall—and there you were, sitting in the middle of the floor practically hidden in pink toilet paper. You just sat there grinning and blowing raspberries at us while we both yelled “Kitty!” I ran for my camera and snapped your picture before Kelly could snatch you up. I did my best to reroll the paper, but it didn’t look too great. I’m definitely going to have to watch you a lot more closely now. Still, you’d make a great baby model. Advertising toilet paper, of course!
Even though I’m having a blast this summer, I do have one regret. I didn’t ask Jennifer to the senior ball. I’ve been hanging out with her when I’m not with Kelly and Alex, so now I realize how stupid I was not to ask her. Don’t be stupid like me, Kitty. When amazing opportunities come your way, you have to grab them, because you never know if they’ll come again.
Anyway—Jennifer. I’ll take her to every dance this year, starting with homecoming. We’ve been having an awesome time together. It’s incredible—the power a girl can have over you. You have no idea what a powerful thing a smile can be. I don’t know—you may say that a guy’s smile can have the same powerful effect. I just hope whoever the guy is who has the privilege to be liked by you realizes how lucky he is . . .
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
August 25
Dear Kitty,
We just played the first two games of the football season—preseason games, actually—and we won both! Even though winning was awesome, for the first time in my life, everything else to do with the game was more important and amazing than winning. Just being in the locker room, suiting up with the rest of the team—pulling my Number 9 jersey over my shoulder pads—was incredible. And stepping out onto our high school’s football field as the home team with Alex and Kelly and everyone else, hearing the crowd cheer—it was the best! I’ll never forget it. Just being there out on the field, playing the game—I loved it all! Even getting a good quarterback sack was fun—beats lying around in a hospital with tubes stuck all over me any day! In our last game, I ran with the ball and scored the first goal of the game. Standing at the goal posts, holding the ball over my head and listening to everyone scream and cheer—it was awesome! I just wish you were old enough to really see it and remember it. At least you were there both times, so now another goal of mine has come true:
I’ve been able to play strong with you there in the stands. It gave me an extra shot of adrenaline to know you were there watching me . . .
August 29
Dear Kitty,
School started today, and Dr. Grenville said at my last checkup I’m good to go! Not only have I put weight and muscle back on, but I actually have a tan! Sam and Alex think I’m more proud of that than anything else. I feel so good lately that it feels almost as strange as feeling sick did at first. Of course, all summer long, Alex stalked me through football clinics and practices and especially during our two preseason games. He was so busy worrying about me he messed up a few plays and missed some key passes. Sometimes it really bugs me how closely he watches me. When he’s really annoying me, I call him Sherlock. I think I’ll get him a spy glass and a pipe for Christmas this year.
You weren’t too happy about being shuffled off to your new sitter’s house today. I hated leaving you there, but we had a long talk the night before about being brave, so I hope you were okay. Mom and Dad let me take you to the sitter’s, so I reminded you of our talk on the way over. You stared at me real solemn-like, and today there weren’t any raspberries for me. I wish you’d thrown me at least one so I’d know you were going to be okay. Even though you were crying, you were able to wave good bye to me as I drove away. Nearly broke my heart, but the fact that you were able to wave proved to me that you’re tough.