Don’t give up!
I nodded slowly back, and as we stood facing each other, I knew I would hold onto this moment forever.
I love you, Brett.
Brett reached out his hand to me and then took it back to press it against his lips before blowing a kiss off his fingertips to me. I quickly lifted my own hand to catch it and pressed his kiss firmly to my heart.
I could see tears in Brett’s eyes, even though he was smiling.
I love you, too, Kitty.
CHAPTER FORTY-SEVEN
It happened on Christmas morning, shortly after presents were exchanged and opened and after everyone had smiled and laughed at Curtis jumping and playing in masses of ripped-up Christmas wrapping paper. When the present-opening ritual was finally over and everyone was relaxed and talking calmly and normally again, having a third cinnamon roll and more juice, and Curtis had sacked out on top of the mound of wrapping paper with his thumb in his mouth, I knew the time had come. I had to seize the moment. Carpe diem. There was no going back. After all, it was Christmas—the perfect time for gift giving. Especially to your family. With my heart pounding so hard and fast I knew I had to go for it now, I made my trembling legs stand up, and
I faced my family seated around me. I opened my mouth and took a deep breath to speak—
And someone rang the doorbell.
Dad frowned at the door. “Who in the world could that be?”
Alex didn’t even look up from the book he was leafing through. “Get that, will you, Kathy? Since you’re standing and everything.”
I sighed and grumbled my way to the door with legs that were still shaking before wrenching the door open with an angry yank. And then—
“Merry Christmas!”
I could only stare back with my mouth hanging open at the handsome, blond-haired, blue-eyed man bundled up on the doorstep smiling at me.
Kelly.
~
There were no words to describe the shock my family went through when I led Kelly into the living room and said, “It’s Kelly—Kelly Baxter.”
It was a strange, surreal moment. Everyone just stared at Kelly, like I had. “We were visiting my parents for Christmas, and I needed to get this back to Kitty, so I thought I’d drop it by personally and wish everyone a Merry Christmas.”
Alex was the first to speak. “Get what back to—‘Kitty’?”
Kelly’s smile faded a little. “Brett’s journal. She loaned it to me so I could read it.” Kelly turned to me and handed Brett’s journal back. “Thank you, Kitty. So much—”
“Brett’s journal?” Sam’s voice was sharp.
Kelly looked from everyone back to me in confusion. “They don’t know about this?”
Before I could lose my nerve, I shook my head silently at Kelly before turning to face my family’s questioning faces with Brett’s journal now in my hands. “Brett gave it to me for my birthday. My sixteenth birthday.”
Everyone just stared. Again. Kelly was the first—again—to break the charged, electric silence filling every inch of space in the room. “I’m sorry—when Kitty came to see me a few days ago with the journal, I assumed you all knew about it—”
Dad’s voice was as sharp as Sam’s. “You went to Kelly’s house? When did that happen?”
“When you were out Christmas shopping—I’m sorry I didn’t ask permission to take the car, but I just had to find Kelly—Brett wrote so much about him—” I was babbling now, because nothing was turning out right. This was not the Christmas card moment I’d wanted it to be, even though part of me knew it likely never would have been anything like a Christmas card.
Kelly jumped in to the rescue. “Look, I’m sorry. This was obviously a bad idea. I shouldn’t have come—not on Christmas Day, but it—it seemed like a good idea. It felt right.” Kelly turned to me with a sad smile on his face that made my heart hurt. “I’m sorry, Kitty. I think I probably ought to leave. But thank you—thank you so much—for letting me read Brett’s journal. It—it meant everything to me.” There were tears in Kelly’s voice. I tried to tell him to stay and not to leave—not now—not yet—
And then Alex quietly spoke. “I—I never even knew Brett kept a journal. Did you?”
Alex looked at Sam who quietly answered. “No—I never knew, either.”
But what jerked my head away from Alex and Sam staring at the book in my hands, both of whom were looking at it as if they were afraid to touch it, was Mom’s voice.
“Please, Kathy—may I see it?” Her pleading voice was soft and trembling, and with tears in her eyes, she carefully—reverently—took the book from me, staring at the cover in disbelief for a moment before slowly opening the journal to see my brother’s printed name. Mom put a hand over her mouth before she whispered, “It’s Brett’s handwriting—it’s his handwriting!”
Alex and Sam scrambled over to join Mom and Dad on the couch while I pleadingly motioned for Kelly to take a seat on one of the recliners. Kelly didn’t move for a second before he finally nodded and sat down. I sat on the edge of the other recliner near Kelly and trembled, watching my family with Brett’s journal.
Dad looked up at me with tears in his eyes after they’d reached the first entry addressed to “Dear Kitty.” “Kathy, this isn’t a traditional journal—these are Brett’s thoughts, meant only for you.”
“I know, but Brett wouldn’t mind—I know he wouldn’t. I want you to read it—all of you. That’s why I had to find Kelly, so he could read it, too.” Everyone passed the journal around to read entries out loud, laughing over some, and letting tears fall over others. And so many stories were shared—and their viewpoints over events Brett had written about, wondering and pondering over Brett’s reactions. Even Kelly was brave enough to join in and share his viewpoints and amazement over how Brett had truly felt and thought about so many things. And my family actually listened.
And then came the best stories of all—stories I’d never heard before—from everyone—about how much I had meant to Brett, and the special connection that was between us from the start. How I always calmed down quickly, even as a tiny baby, when Brett held me. How I was the happiest with him and how I was always the best medicine for him throughout his entire sickness. Kelly even had stories about times he’d shared with Brett and me. Between all of us—even Julie and Stephen—we easily used up a box of tissues. There was a wonderful blanket of peace in our home—a true Christmasy feeling. It was definitely the best Christmas I had ever experienced. Definitely one I would never forget. One I doubt any of us would ever forget.
Kelly asked me then what time it was before he quickly stood up and pulled his coat back on. “I really should go—I’m sorry for staying so long, on Christmas and everything!”
Alex had the journal in his hands and raised his eyes to me, shaking his head. “I still can’t believe you went to the trouble of hunting down Kelly to let him see this. I can’t believe you’d do that much for Brett.”
I shook my head slowly. “I didn’t do it just for Brett, Alex.” Not only was Alex looking at me questioningly, but Kelly and everyone else were, too. “I may not be able to give you the chance to play football with Brett again, but I can give you the chance to have a good friend back. A friend who loves Brett, too. And who always will.”
Alex’s stunned look lasted only a second before he nodded and stood up. Slowly, he walked over to Kelly and held out his hand. Kelly looked at it for a moment before quickly taking Alex’s offering and gripping his hand in his. It was then I noticed the sad quality I’d seen in Kelly’s eyes when I’d been in his home wasn’t there anymore, and the fact made me smile.
Kelly hadn’t let go of Alex’s hand yet, and a second later the two gave each other a brief hug. A guy kind of hug, with a back slap given by both and tears trying to be hid by each. Then of course Mom came forward and hugged Kelly, and Sam and Dad did, too.
Before I could move away, Alex grabbed me up in his arms. “I can’t believe you, Kathy! I just can’t—” A
lex couldn’t talk anymore, but it was okay, because I couldn’t get a word past the lump in my throat. Alex didn’t let go for a long time. And neither did I.
~
I walked Kelly to the door once all the hugging had died down and thanked him for being brave enough to come over. “You could’ve just mailed Brett’s journal. Or called me up, and I could’ve come over again. But you brought it yourself. Personally! That was—is—so amazing. Thank you—so much!”
Kelly reached out and wrapped me in his arms. “Thank you, Kitty, for being brave yourself. You’re an incredible girl.” Kelly asked me then if I’d had a chance to take a look at Brett’s Book of Mormon yet.
“You mean, have I read about Nephi and the brass plates? Or Ammon’s mission among the Lamanites? Or Christ’s visit to the Americas? Or Captain Moroni and his javelin-throwing man Teancum?” Kelly’s jaw dropped, but his eyes shone with excitement. I couldn’t help laughing. “Yes, I’m ‘looking’ at it.”
“If you have any questions, you know you can call me. Anytime. I’d love to help you, Kitty. You know that, don’t you?”
I smiled. “Yes, I know that. And thank you, Kelly. For everything.”
~
When my family asked me later on that day why I’d decided not to keep Brett’s journal my secret and why I actually let them read it, too, I could feel my heart pounding, because there was more—so much more I needed to say and tell them. And show them.
Brett’s journal had changed me. They could all see that, and had been seeing that for months now. But as much as Brett’s journal had changed me, another book was starting to change me as well, and now I had other questions that needed to be answered. Questions that I still needed permission from my parents to ask before they could ever be answered.
Dad sighed. “Kathy, this isn’t the time or place for you to be asking to see those missionaries again—”
“Why not?”
Dad’s voice was rising. “Because it’s Christmas, and Alex and Sam are here, and we’ve been having a wonderful day—”
“If you only knew how important this is to me!”
Now Mom’s voice was rising as well. “Kathy, please give us a little credit. We know how much you like Jason West. We know you’re just doing this for him—”
Jason? Doing this for Jason? “No—you’re wrong—so wrong! I’m not doing this for Jason—I’m not! If you have to blame someone, then blame it on Brett—it’s his ‘fault’ that I want to learn about this religion!” And with that, in frustration and not at all in the spirit I’d planned when I’d had my carpe diem moment only a few hours ago, I angrily marched out of the room and into my bedroom to grab Brett’s Book of Mormon. I marched back into the living room to thrust it into Mom’s surprised hands.
“This was Brett’s copy. Look at it! Look at how he wrote in it—and look inside the front cover. You see? See? He wanted me to have it, because he believed in it! He wanted this in his life, and he wanted it for me, too.” Mom’s stunned look made me step back and lower my voice. “This was important to Brett—as important as it’s always been to Jason. If you only knew how I feel when I read this book—you could feel the same way, if you’d read it, too.”
Mom’s voice had dropped to a whisper. “Brett—Brett gave this to you?”
“Yes—he did. He and Kelly.” I moved to kneel in front of Mom while she stared at the book in her hands. “Brett’s journal helped me find this book. I want to learn more. I have to. And not because of Jason or Brett, but because of me, and what I know now, and what I’ve felt. I can’t go back—I have to move forward. Please let me have that chance. Please don’t take that away.”
I was pleading for all I was worth and waiting for Mom to answer me. When she finally did, there were tears in her eyes. And then, Mom did something I’d never seen her do before. Yes, I’d seen tears slip down her cheeks, but I’d never witnessed anything like this. With the book still tight in her hands, she broke down hard and cried and cried.
~
It was later on Christmas evening when another knock sounded at the front door. A frantic, excited knocking that didn’t stop until I’d finally unlocked and opened the door.
“Jason!”
Jason looked like he was about to burst. “Kathy—she’s awake! She’s awake!” Before I could say anything else, he stepped inside and swung me around in one of his huge bear hugs.
“Awake? Who—”
“Emily! Emily’s awake—she woke up this morning—”
The news had me shrieking, laughing, crying, and screaming, “I knew she’d be okay!” causing Mom and Dad to come running, and in seconds they were as excited as Jason and I.
After everyone had calmed down and Jason and I were left alone in the living room, Jason continued to go on and on about his amazement over Emily’s awakening. “It’s just like her—waiting until Christmas morning to finally wake up! She’s definitely a drama queen!”
I smiled and leaned back against the couch where I was sitting by Jason. “I’m not surprised that she finally woke up, Jason. I just knew she’d be okay!”
Jason reached for my hand, then lifted it to his lips and kissed the back of it. “Yes—you never gave up. Not even for a second!”
“You know you didn’t have to come all the way over. How did you get here?”
Jason’s eyes grew large, as if remembering something he wasn’t supposed to forget. “Adam! He’s been circling the block waiting for me—probably about a hundred times by now!” We both burst out laughing, and then Jason smiled and squeezed my hand. “I had to come. I couldn’t just tell you news like this over the phone! Besides, Emily wanted me to.”
I had to raise both eyebrows at that. “Emily?”
Jason grinned. “Since she couldn’t come herself, Emily wanted me to thank you personally for her. For the Christmas tree!”
CHAPTER FORTY-EIGHT
My family spent the days up through New Year’s looking over Brett’s journal, reading and rereading, and talking about it together. I still hadn’t gotten my answer about whether I could see the missionaries yet, but I had hope. Enough to equal a lot of faith.
For New Year’s Eve, I agreed to watch Curtis while Sam and Stephen went to a party, and Sam in turn had agreed to let Jason come over and help tend.
“Although I’m worried not a lot of ‘tending’ is going to go on.”
Sam’s knowing look was hugely embarrassing. “Please! It’s not going to be like that!”
“Well, he is still wearing that horrid old knee brace, so I guess that will keep things restricted to a certain degree.”
“Sam!” I groaned, burying my red face in one of her couch pillows.
“And I made sure Curtis had a nice, long nap this afternoon, so he’ll be ready and willing to ring in the new year with both of you, believe me!” Sam laughed and yanked the pillow off my face while I groaned some more. “I bought lots of treats for all of you, and there’s plenty of movies for you to choose from, so you should still be able to have a good time!”
Curtis came running out from the bathroom with Stephen after him to finish dressing him. I laughed and held out my arms to him while he quickly and happily reached up to let me lift him onto my lap. Sam watched us hug and play together for a minute in silence.
“You know, watching the two of you together—reminds me of seeing you with Brett.”
“Really?”
Sam nodded and smiled before sitting down beside us. “Really. You were the happiest with him. And he was happiest with you. I have to admit I was a little jealous at times of the relationship you two had. You wouldn’t let me pick you up when Brett was around. No one could get your attention when he was in the room.”
I shook my head slowly, dumbfounded. “No one ever told me that before.”
Sam nodded again, and we were both quiet until she spoke. “When Brett died, Mom and Dad moved you into my room, but you hated being there. You cried and cried at night and wouldn’t let me—or anyone??
?comfort you. So Mom and Dad decided to move you back into Brett’s room, and you finally went back to sleeping through the night. And then, little by little, they got rid of Brett’s things, and the room became your room only.”
I raised my eyebrows. “They just got rid of his stuff? Why?”
“Brett asked them to. Insisted on it, actually. He didn’t want a shrine to be left behind. He wanted it to be your room. He knew, somehow, that you’d want to keep that room.”
I was quiet for a minute before turning to look at my sister. “I’m sorry, Sam.”
Sam raised her eyebrows. “Sorry? For what?”
“I’m sorry—that I didn’t sleep in your room. That we didn’t have a chance to be—you know—closer.”
Sam smiled and draped an arm around my shoulders. “We’re closer now. That’s what counts.”
“You know, Sam, I can’t guarantee I’m not going to fight with you ever again, but I can guarantee that underneath whatever is going on, I’m really glad you’re my sister.”
Sam squeezed my shoulders and kissed the top of my head. “The same goes double for me.”
~
Jason was wonderful with Curtis and bonded with him in no time, mostly due to the M&Ms he’d brought with him. I was afraid hanging out with me and my nephew on New Year’s Eve instead of going to a party with all of his usual friends would bore him to tears, but he insisted he was having a good time.
“I’d rather spend New Year’s with you than anyone else.”
And yet my parents still wondered why I liked having him for my boyfriend.
Jason was nearly as amazed as Kelly had been when I told him about Brett’s journal, but he was ecstatic that I’d shown my family Brett’s Book of Mormon and listened enthralled while I told him about the adventures of Christmas Day, complete with a surprise visit from Kelly and another pleading session to let me see the missionaries, which had ended with my mom in tears.