I lurch to my feet, as does Quinn.
Luke looks crazed, almost beastly. It is grief, I am abruptly reminded. And it hits me suddenly how much he must have felt for the invisible girl from the city. He spoke of it so often I began to dismiss it. But now I am faced with the reality of someone who has lost the person they love most in the world. It is undeniable.
Luke storms into the room and people make way for him as though they can instinctively sense the danger in the air.
And then someone says his name; he stops. He stops and he stares.
My eyes search through the crowd around Luke and find, at the very back, a single figure.
The girl with the dual eyes and the dark tangle of hair gazes at Luke through the people, and he gazes at her.
He gives an abrupt laugh. It sounds slightly mad in the silent, echoing hall. And that’s when we all watch him drop to his knees and begin to cry. This huge thing overcomes him and he drops his head and just … weeps.
When I look back to Dual, she has vanished.
*
Josephine
My feet pound until my hands rest on the rough bark of a tree – one of a small copse of trees that survived within the wall. I am haunted by his face in my mind, the dreadful brokenness of it.
Out in the night air I try to steady my heavy breathing. I can’t seem to stop running away from everything.
But I hear the thud of footsteps behind me, and I know that what I’ve been running from this whole time has caught up to me at last.
A low, rough voice says, “Hello, beautiful.”
I close my eyes. I can feel the wind moving through the trees and brushing against my skin. I can hear it lift and move every blade of grass. I can taste it on my lips, repeating those two words over and over again – the first words he ever spoke to me in a stupid, stupid bar.
He moves nearer and I try to prepare myself, but I can’t – I’m stuck in this one tortuous moment, with him alive and breathing the same air as me. Tears are slipping beneath my lashes and sliding over my face.
“Did it work?” he asks, pleading.
I don’t understand.
“The moon,” he says. “The curse. The antidote.”
My heart lurches and I spin to face him. “Yes, yes, it worked.”
He breathes out, like a dam wall has burst. An enormous weight seems to lift from him and he gives another laugh, this time in sheer relief. And then his hands touch me, big and warm, first at my hips and then sliding around my waist, pulling me against his chest. His lips duck to the curve of my neck to kiss me there, then move up to my jaw, trailing over all the tears on my cheeks, edging toward my mouth. It feels dreamlike, it feels in slow motion.
“Josi,” he says, and then he is touching his lips to mine. I open my mouth against his and taste him. Taste his tears, allowing him to hold me against his body just as I have imagined for months. He is here, really here, bigger than I remember, alive and real, and I can’t clutch onto any of the things I know. All my certainties are gone and all that’s left is Luke Townsend.
He feels like he always used to, but so too is he different now with the weight of truth. At least, I am different. I feel him with different skin, taste him with different lips, touch him with different hands. It is this realization that brings me back to reality, back to the world we live in, ripping me out of this fantasy.
We were not real people when we loved each other, we were pretend.
“Luke,” I breathe against his mouth. He rests his forehead to mine. I allow myself this last moment – just this one – to let him sink into my bones again, the guiltiest of all pleasures, and then I push him away gently, my hands trembling.
“Josi,” he says. His eyes are so green and so feverish that they make me want to take his hand and run into the dead forest beyond and stay there with him forever.
I swallow. My tears have ceased, and I clench my hands to stop them shaking. I have lived through a lot of things in my life, a lot of very bad things. I can live through this. I draw a cloak of iron around my shoulders, using it to protect me, to make me certain and strong. “I’m glad you’re okay.”
Luke flinches slightly at the sound of my flat voice, drawing further away and peering into my face. He is confused, I see now. And very tired. His skin is pale and he has deep hollows under his eyes. I banish an urge to stroke his hair from his forehead.
“I’m fine, girl,” he says. “Are you?”
“I’m fine too,” I nod stiffly.
“Then what – ?”
“Luke, stop. You have to stop.”
He stares at me, uncomprehending. “Why?”
“Because we’re not … together anymore.”
“What?”
“We’re not – ”
“Since when?”
“Since you told me the truth.”
“You’re still angry.”
I meet his eyes.
Luke frowns and I can see the understanding start to form behind his gaze. He shakes his head. There’s panic building there. “But I – ”
“I’m happy you’re awake,” I tell him, “And I’ll help find an antidote to the virus in your blood. But that’s it.”
He stares at me, and then suddenly: “What?” The word rushes from him, an eruption of disbelief. “That’s it? After everything we’ve been through?”
I stare at him. Here before me is a hurricane of fury, where before I only ever knew him to be calm, deathly calm. The forest is closing in around us, turning itself into a jungle of vines and trappings, a living thing that throbs and aches. I can feel it, every breath of it; it’s inside my head.
“You’re not ending this,” Luke snarls, grabbing me and pushing me against the tree. “Not now.”
I am ashamed of how thrilled I feel. I want his clothes to be gone, and mine too, and I want him to push me harder against the tree and shout and yell until his voice is hoarse. But none of that can happen, so I fuel my desire into the next best thing. It becomes fury, my dearest, oldest friend.
“You want a fight?” I snap, my face only inches from his. “Easy. I don’t know who you are. You tricked me into loving you. All I have from our life together are false memories. I have nothing real, nothing honest, nothing I can hold in my hands and feel.”
“And what’s this?” he snarls, shaking me. “What’s this? You can feel me and you can hold onto me for as long as you want, for the rest of our lives, so don’t fucking pretend you have nothing – I’ve given you everything!”
“Lies,” I say. “You’ve given me lies.”
“This is no lie,” Luke growls, pressing his mouth to mine. It’s rough and desperate but I can’t, I can’t – I shove him away as hard as I can and storm past him. He grabs my hand and tugs me back. “The only lies being told now are yours.”
“Fuck off,” I whisper. “I hate you.”
“If you do this,” he says bluntly, “if you leave me here after everything we’ve been through, then I’ll hate you too.”
Good. In my head I say the word a hundred times, a thousand. Good good good. If he hates me it will make this easier. I open my mouth to say it, to say good. But nothing comes out because I can’t bear it, the thought that he might hate me. The word doesn’t come. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to say it.
And that’s when he sinks to his knees and I am stunned by the sudden disappearance of all rage, of everything except a world-weary despair. “You let me think you were dead,” he whispers, broken. “How could you let me think that?”
A throbbing pain starts in my chest and I drop to my knees before him. “I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry. I swear, I never wanted you to think that …”
He pulls me to him and rests his face in the curve of my neck. His fingers move to thread through my hair. We stay like that for a long time. I can feel his heartbeat; I feel as though the very essence of his life is against my body, moving inside me. I’m cradling within my arms a precious thing.
But it isn’
t mine, this precious thing. It doesn’t belong to me. Not anymore, and maybe it never did.
I stand and extricate myself from his arms. He holds my hand until I have to pull it forcibly from his grip. “Don’t,” he pleads.
I turn and walk away.
As I reach the outskirts of the enclosure I hear a howl behind me, something raw and everything I always wanted Luke to be – this scream is alive and full of emotion. But as it strikes inside me I feel cold cold cold because I am frightened of what I have unleashed and all I want is to go back there and scream with him until I can’t anymore.
Chapter 6
January 12th, 2066
Luke
I’m still sleeping in the infirmary until they can work out where I’ll be living, and because Ranya is adamant that I’m not discharged. She hasn’t cleared me for work or training, even though I feel fine – I feel great, actually. You know, apart from thinking I’m constantly about to stroke out from rage.
I’ve spent the day wandering around, visiting all my old haunts – the training rooms to see how Shadow’s been going with his soldiers, the fields to say hi to all my old planting and scything pals, the lab to check in on Pace and Dodge, and the kitchen, my favorite place of all. I haven’t seen Josi anywhere, so she’s probably avoiding me.
I have to keep reminding myself that this pain at her rejection is nothing – nothing – to how I felt when I thought she was dead. I just have to get over this initial hump and then I’ll be fine. I always knew it was coming. I knew she’d never forgive me when she found out the truth. So now I have to deal with it. Plus she’s not going to turn under the blood moon or kill herself, which has been the whole point of our lives for the last few years. It’s just hard to believe we can’t enjoy the victory together.
As the sun sets I head for Quinn and Raven’s house. I haven’t been able to sit still all day. Nervous energy thrums through my body and makes me jittery. I want to run.
“Luke!” Quinn grins, letting me in.
“Hey, man.”
“How are you feeling?”
“Fine, bro. You?”
“Always good, brother.” He hands me a home-brewed beer from the small fridge only his house is allowed. We clink the bottles together and take a long drink. It’s the best thing I’ve ever tasted and it helps to calm my nerves.
“We were worried about you for a while there,” he says gently.
“Things got a bit hectic in the city.”
“I was truly sorry to hear about your girlfriend.”
I swallow and nod. I have no idea what the fuck is going on, or why Josi’s lied about this, but she’s obviously got a reason, and until I find out what that is I’m not about to give the game away. I look into Quinn’s eyes: it’s how you lie, and it’s how you convince people you’re not lying. I let a little of my all-too-real sadness into my expression. It satisfies him, even makes him a bit uncomfortable, for he drops his gaze and takes another gulp.
“But you’re here with us now, where you belong.”
“And we can get things started. I want to organize a mission to the city.”
“For what purpose?”
“We need to start working out how to stop the sadness cures.”
He considers this.
“I waited for you, man,” I remind him. “All of last year. I was patient. But we had a deal. I have the use of your people to start attacking the Bloods and stop the cures.”
Quinn tilts his head, running his fingers over the condensation on his bottle. “They’re your people too, Luke.”
“I appreciate that. Then it’s settled.”
“You need to re-gather your strength,” he says with a kind smile. “When you’re well again, we’ll talk.”
“I’m fine – ”
“Dinner time!” He abruptly claps his hands together, then finishes his beer. “Let’s go eat, brother. We need you strong and healthy. The others will be excited to see you when you’re not so … delirious.”
I watch him closely, wanting to give him the benefit of the doubt, but you’d have to be a moron not to notice his evasions. I hope he knows that this isn’t up for debate. I hope he knows that I will die before I let my parents be given a cure for sadness – one that will surely mess them up even more than they already are.
I hope he knows that I will kill before I let that happen.
*
As we enter the Den there is an eruption of cheers so loud I’m surprised it doesn’t take the roof off. My eyes widen when I realize it’s for me. They’re on their feet, clapping and cheering for me. It is completely surreal. I’ve done nothing at all to deserve it. In fact, last time I was here I attacked people. A few of them look a tad nervous, some seem excited. My eyes travel over their faces and spot one that is not smiling. She’s not standing either. She’s sitting with Pace, Hal and Will, and when she looks at me she rolls her eyes in that completely withering way of hers, and despite everything it makes my heart beat a little bit stronger and I can’t help laughing with relief that she is here and alive and rolling her eyes in that perfect Josephine Luquet way.
Quinn perches me in a seat beside his and Raven comes from the kitchen to hand me a plate – I don’t know why I’m suddenly being treated like royalty and it feels weird.
I spend the whole meal half-listening to the conversation around me, half-watching Josi at one of the far tables. She doesn’t look at me once. People keep patting me on the back and refilling my cup.
Raven is asking me something. I blink, looking at her expectant face. Those dark eyes probe me and I can see she is very close to getting royally pissed off.
“Pardon?”
Her jaw clenches. “I asked you what happened.”
“When?”
“You’re addled from the coma, I can see. When you went to the city.”
I shrugged. “I failed. Excuse me.” Leaving my unfinished plate – I have no appetite whatsoever – I make my way to Josi’s table.
“Hello, children.”
Hal and Will happily shove over to make room for me, and I find myself sitting opposite Josi and Pace. Josi ignores me completely.
“You’re a medical marvel,” Pace tells me.
“Everyone’s talking about it,” Will agrees.
“It’s amazing what stolen government medicine can do,” I reply, looking at Josi. She’s eating away, seemingly unbothered. “Don’t you think, Dual? It’s Dual, right?”
“I wouldn’t know, Luke,” she replies mildly without taking the bait. “But why don’t you explain it to us, since you were a government man yourself, weren’t you?”
“He was a Blood,” Pace supplies.
“Pretty impressive,” Josi goes on more softly. This time she looks up, meeting my eyes with her blue and brown gaze. “You’d have to be skilled to get that job, wouldn’t you? Patriotic, ruthless … Someone told me once that the Bloods are more robotic than drones. So how many people did you cure in your time? How many did you stop from escaping the wall?”
We stare at each other for a long, stretched-out moment. I say, “Too many to count.”
“Amazing,” she breathes. “You must have been good at your job.”
“Yeah. I was good at it. I was the best, actually. Which is why they would never have let me quit.”
“Did they teach you how to lie? Or were you born a liar?”
This is starting to hurt. She’s so emotionless. I spread my hands, giving a shake of my head. “Which answer would be better?”
And like that, she is ice-cold. “How about the truth?”
“Okay, fine. Truth is I’ve always been good at lying.”
She smiles a completely empty smile. Then goes back to eating.
“Uh … would you two like to be alone for this inappropriately intense conversation?” Pace asks.
“No need,” Josi replies with a warmer smile for her. “I’m done.” And so saying, she stands and carries her plate to the wash-up area and then leaves the Den. I watch
her the whole way.
“Dude,” Hal says.
“What?”
“If you and Dual are meant to be a secret you should probably try not to be so obvious.”
I blink, following his pointed gaze. Quinn and Raven are both watching me.
“There is no me and Dual,” I tell Hal.
*
Josephine
On my way out of the dining hall I find myself intercepted by Raven, who walks me out into the night. She doesn’t seem intent on speaking, so I clear my throat awkwardly. “I wanted to thank you.”
“For what?”
“For sticking up for me in the infirmary. Why’d you do that? It’s pretty obvious you don’t like me.”
She stops walking and I do the same. “I have no tolerance for men laying hands on women,” she says bluntly, and I remember the way Quinn was roughly detaining me.
I’m impressed, abruptly, by this insight into Raven’s integrity. Then she says, with a smile, “But make no mistake. I’m not as gullible as the rest of them. I know you’re lying, Dual. So don’t get too comfortable here.”
She strides off into the night, and I watch her confident, sensual walk with a sick feeling in my stomach.
I go to the training room and start hitting a punching bag. No one else is here. I haven’t bothered to put gloves on, which is stupid as it’s really hurting my hands.
“More from your center,” a voice comes from the door and I look over to see Shadow.
“What does that mean?”
He doesn’t bother explaining. Just hands me some gloves and helps me lace them.
“Your arms are weak,” he comments.
“How is that helpful?” I snap, frustrated. “I know I’m weak. You tell me every damn day.”
“You shouldn’t train when you’re in a bad mood.”
“Oh, piss off, would you?”