DR. PINE: Keep him on a strict diet of alfalfa and water for a few days.
DAD: Thank you, doctor.
ELLIOT: Thank you.
DR. PINE: Good-bye, Elliot and Mr. Washington. Good-bye, Gizmo.
Good riddance to you, doctor! How dare you poke at me and tell me I eat too much. You know nothing about cavies! When I recover, you shall feel my wrath!
MY NEW DAD, AND ELLIOT, AND THE FURRY Potato have been inside that room for a long time. I’m shivering. And panting. I’ve smelled everyone’s ankles. I’ve talked to every dog and cat. I walk back and forth, from one end of the room to the other, as far as my leash will go. I feel very bad and I really want to get out of here.
MOM: Wedgie, calm down.
JASMINE: Mom, do you think Gizmo will be okay?
MOM: Well, let’s think positive thoughts.
JASMINE: I didn’t let him out of his cage.
MOM: I know, sweetie.
JACKSON: Wedgie is going crazy!
Something’s happening! Dad and Elliot come out of that bad room. Elliot’s holding the Furry Potato. I wag my tail. Are we done? Can we go home? But then I see the lady who wears the white coat. I’m scared of her. I scoot under a chair to hide from the lady with the white coat. But as soon as she leaves, I dart out and run to the door. It’s time to make our escape! Let’s go, people!
I run in circles in front of the door. Come on, superpowers. Work! I run and run. The door opens! Yes! Super Wedgie to the rescue. We leave the place that smells like sadness and fear. I tug on my leash, pulling Dad toward our car. Everyone gets in. Dad lifts me and puts me onto Jasmine’s lap. I lick Jasmine’s face. I’m so happy that we’re going home. I LOVE home.
MOM: So, what did the doctor say?
DAD: He said that Gizmo ate something bad and got indigestion. We need to keep him on a healthy diet.
JACKSON: Gizmo’s farts smell like cereal.
ELLIOT: He could have died. I’m not letting Jasmine take care of him anymore!
DAD: This isn’t your sister’s fault.
ELLIOT: She’s not my sister.
The car begins to drive. Jasmine wraps her arms around me and squeezes. I lick a tear off Jasmine’s face. Don’t be sad, Jasmine. Super Wedgie opened the door and got us out of that bad place. We’re going home!
HELLO AGAIN, DEAR READER. I AM PLEASED TO report that I have convinced Elliot to return to his role as my faithful servant. Yesterday, after that unpleasant visit to the doctor’s office, Elliot moved the Barbie Playhouse to his room. This is a welcome change. Elliot does not carry me in his pocket or sing songs to me. He does not dress me in sparkly clothing or sprinkle glitter into my house. Because of my seven days in Jasmine’s room, there is glitter in my poop. I cannot rule the world with glittery poop!
But alas, even though I have left Jasmine’s room, she still bothers me. Elliot posted a large sign on his door that reads STAY OUT, but Jasmine ignores it. This morning, she brought a device into his room, the likes of which I have never before seen. It is called the Biju Ting Ting Scalp Massager. When she places it over my backside, waves of relaxation roll up my spine. My eyes close and a strange purring sound comes from my throat. I fall into a trance and cannot move. This device could be used by my enemies to entrap me. It must be destroyed! I shall do so as soon as possible.
But for now, until further notice, please address your letters and care packages to me at:
Gizmo the Evil Genius
The Barbie Playhouse
Atop Elliot’s Bookcase
Nowhere Near the Andes Mountains
ELLIOT: Don’t worry, Gizmo. I know moving is hard. But I’m here and I won’t let anyone else take care of you ever again.
DAD: Hey, Elliot, I just got an email about Gizmo’s new cage. It’ll be here in a week.
ELLIOT: A week? That’s a long time.
DAD: Those Eco Habitats are really popular.
As I wake from my noon nap, I yawn and stretch. My belly is starting to feel better, but my energy level is low. After eating alfalfa pellets and drinking water, I consider taking another nap, but I notice that Elliot is sitting on the carpet, reading his comic books. I am in the mood to read, so I squeak at Elliot. He picks me up and sets me next to him. I search through the stack and find a story about a superhero named Thor.
I have read many of Elliot’s comic books. It would appear that every Evil Genius has a rival—a superhero who gets in the way and tries to ruin the Evil Genius’s Evil Plan. I consider this as I nibble a corner of the book. I am an Evil Genius, so why do I not have a superhero who is trying to ruin my Evil Plan? If I am to be taken seriously, I must have an enemy superhero! Where can I find one? This is of the utmost importance. I update my list.
MY EVIL PLAN
1. Escape the pink prison and build an Evil Genius Lair.
2. Find an enemy superhero.
3. Make pink hearts, green clovers, and yellow stars the official food of all cavies.
4. Become the king of all cavies, create a cavy uprising, and take over the world!
The canine enters the room. Drat! He ambles toward me, panting.
I tuck my nose under the comic book because dog breath is horrid! I try to hide, but he roots beneath the pages until he finds me, then he sniffs me all over. So rude! Be gone, I tell him. Go away! But instead of leaving, he begins to run circles around me. Why is he engaging in this activity? He is so very bothersome.
MOM: How are you guys doing?
ELLIOT: Why does Wedgie always run around Gizmo?
MOM: He’s a Welsh corgi. His instinct is to herd.
ELLIOT: Herd?
MOM: Yes. Corgis are bred to herd livestock on farms. Like goats and sheep.
ELLIOT: But Gizmo’s not a sheep. And this isn’t a farm.
MOM: He’s just trying to make sure that Gizmo doesn’t get lost. Come on, Wedgie, let’s get a treat.
He thinks I am livestock? The canine has insulted me for the final time! I must come up with an Evil Plan to rid myself of him. But that is when I notice something. As the canine dashes out of the room, his red cape flaps. A shiver darts down my spine. I look at the comic book. The canine’s red cape is the same cape that Thor wears. Does this mean what I think it means?
Yes! The corgi canine is my enemy superhero, sent to destroy me.
He is Thorgi!
I’M GETTING A TREAT! A TREAT! A TREAT! Give me that treat. Give me that treat right now. I want it. I want that treat!
Oh boy, I just got a treat!
DEAR READER, IF YOU REMEMBER, I JUST DISCOVERED that the corgi canine is actually Thorgi, a superhero dog who has been sent to defeat me. Now everything makes sense. This is why we moved to this new house. So that I could face my archenemy nose to nose. How delightful. His primitive brain will be no match for my super intelligence. He will prove easy to beat.
Muh-ha-ha.
In order to concoct a cunning plan to defeat Thorgi, I will need to do some research, so I continue to read the Thor comic book. That is when I find an interesting advertisement.
Thor’s hammer? What a glorious discovery! According to Elliot’s comic book, Thor’s hammer is a most powerful tool, and it could be mine! I tremble at the thought. All I have to do is fill out the form and send it to the proper address. Then the hammer will be delivered and after one bonk, I will be rid of my archenemy!
Using my sharp teeth, I chew around the edges of the order form. Then, gripping it in my mouth, I carry it under Elliot’s desk, where I find a pen. I begin to fill out the form. When I am done, I carry the form across the room. Then I stand below the Barbie Playhouse and grunt.
ELLIOT: Do you want back into your house?
Elliot places me in the Barbie Playhouse. As he grabs another comic book to read, I waddle along his bookcase until I come to the window. It is cracked open. I slide the order form through the crack, leaving it on the outside windowsill. One of my carrier pigeons will arrive and deliver it, of this I am certain. They are very lo
yal pigeons. I must find a new supply of sunflower seeds so that I can reward them for their service.
JASMINE: Come on, Elliot. It’s time for Peru Today.
ELLIOT: What’s Peru Today?
JASMINE: It’s Abuela’s favorite show. She wants us to watch it with her.
Did I hear the word Peru? My ears prick. Peru is the native homeland of cavies. Why are these humans talking about it? Elliot picks me up. He carries me down the hallway. Is he taking me to the room with the marshmallow shapes? I squeak eagerly. But he passes that room, and instead, carries me into a room with a large television mounted on the wall. I enjoy television. Especially the nightly news. A future Evil Ruler must keep up with current events.
Elliot sits on the carpet and that is when I make another important discovery. There is an elderly human who lives in the house. They call her Abuela. I observe her for a few minutes. Like me, she wears glasses. Like me, she issues orders and her human servants obey. She appears to have a throne.
ABUELA: Get me my cheese puffs. It’s time to watch my show!
ELLIOT: How come you like this show?
ABUELA: Because I’m from Peru. Now shhh. It’s starting.
Imagine my joy to learn that I was in the presence of someone who came from Peru, the cavy homeland. The land of the Andes Mountains. The land where cavies run free. Was this another reason why I had been brought to this new house? So that the Elderly One can become one of my minions? Of course! She is from Peru and thus she is a friend to all cavies. Of this, I am certain.
And what great luck that we are going to watch a television show about Peru—the very place where I will one day build my Evil Castle and rule supreme with my queen, Gweneviere.
I settle on a cushion, my gaze on the television screen. Oh, how glorious to see the snow-capped mountains. And to see herds of cavies in their natural habitat, eating sweet grass. I can practically smell the crisp mountain air.
My keen eyesight picks up movement. A cheese puff falls from the Elderly One’s hand. Eating nothing but alfalfa pellets has been torture. I grab the delicacy and burrow beneath a pillow to enjoy my lovely prize. But just as I am about to sink my teeth into the crunchy treat, the canine’s big wet nose invades my space. With a quick swoop of his tongue, the treat disappears. No! I holler. How dare you take my cheese puff! You vile beast! When the Hammer of Thor arrives, you shall feel my wrath!
JASMINE: Why is Gizmo squeaking?
ELLIOT: Wedgie’s trying to eat him!
JASMINE: Wedgie would never do that.
ELLIOT: Hey, did that lady on the TV just say they eat guinea pigs in Peru?
ABUELA: Yes.
JASMINE: Why would they do that? Guinea pigs are too cute to eat!
ABUELA: In Peru, guinea pigs are food. Not pets.
JACKSON: I don’t wanna eat Gizmo.
What was that? Did I hear what I think I heard? I emerge from the pillow. Everyone is staring at me. I turn my attention to the television show and I see something so vile, it shocks me to my very core.
HOW COME FURRY POTATO GETS TO SIT ON the couch? I never get to sit on the couch. It’s a good thing I found Furry Potato under the pillow. He was lost again. Silly Furry Potato.
Jasmine’s fingers are covered in orange stuff. I lick her fingers. I LOVE orange stuff. Elliot still doesn’t pet me. I lick his hand but he pushes me away. Why is Elliot so sad?
Everyone is watching the television screen. I don’t like the television screen. When my family stares at it, they don’t pet me.
Hey, what’s that sound? I run to the door. I sniff the crack under the door. Oh no! Brutus is out there! Red alert, red alert, Brutus is in the yard! I run back to the living room. Hey, Brutus is in the yard. Keep the pups inside. Hide under the bed. People, stop looking at the television and pay attention to me. Are you listening?
ABUELA: Wedgie, stop barking. I can’t hear my show.
JASMINE: Wedgie wants to go outside.
ELLIOT: I’ll go outside with him. I don’t really like this show, anyway. All that talk about eating guinea pigs is scaring Gizmo.
Don’t worry, Elliot. There’s no need to be sad. I’ll chase Brutus from our yard. Elliot is carrying the Furry Potato in his hands. I herd them toward the door. Then I circle in front of the door, engaging my superpowers. Let me out let me out let me out. The force field is activated and the door opens.
Brutus! I holler. My cape flies behind me as I run down the walkway. Then I skid to a stop. Brutus is on the other side of the fence, in his yard. He makes a circle, then lies down. I know you were here, I tell him. I sniff the hedge. Brutus piddled on it, so I piddle on it. I sniff Squirrel Tree. Brutus piddled on it, so I piddle on it. I check the bone. It’s safe. I check the ball and the stick. They’re safe, but the stick smells like Brutus. He touched my stick?
ELLIOT: Hey, Dad, I just watched this weird show with Jasmine’s grandmother. Did you know they eat guinea pigs in Peru?
DAD: They do?
ELLIOT: Abuela is from Peru. Do you think she wants to eat Gizmo?
DAD: Ha-ha. No, I don’t think you have to worry about that.
The only thing you need to worry about is your birthday. Have you decided what you’d like to do?
ELLIOT: I want to invite my old friends.
DAD: I’m sorry, Elliot, but they’re too far away.
ELLIOT: Then I don’t care about my birthday. (Elliot kicks the stick. It flies over the fence.)
My stick! I need my stick. I run along the fence. I jump and jump and jump but I can’t get over the fence. I stick my head between the fence posts and push with my back legs. Don’t touch my stick! I tell Brutus. I push and push and push.
Uh-oh. I’m stuck.
DAD, freeing Wedgie from the fence: Wedgie, you’re acting crazy. What’s the matter with you?
Brutus is too old to play with you.
I was stuck but now I’m free. I want to get my stick but something catches my eye. What’s this? A piece of paper’s floating in the air. It lands in my yard. Do you see, Brutus? This is my piece of paper. I grab it with my teeth. Then I dig a hole beneath Squirrel Tree and bury the piece of paper where it’ll be safe. I cover it with dirt. Then I piddle on the spot so Brutus knows it’s mine.
I walk over to Elliot. I press my nose against his ankle. Elliot still won’t pet me. Is he sad because my stick is gone? I’ll wait for the gate to open. And then I will get my stick. And then Elliot will be happy.
DEAR READER, YOU MAY WANT TO SKIP THIS page, for what I have to tell you is quite disturbing. It is, in my Evil Opinion, the worst news I could ever imagine.
Cavies are on the menu in Peru!
They grill us, bake us, and put us into stews. They sauté, baste, and fricassee us. Oh, the horror! This must be stopped. When I take over the world, I shall lead a cavy uprising. We will chase all the humans from Peru so that cavies can roam free and not worry about ending up on someone’s plate.
Until that time, I shall keep a safe distance from the Elderly One. She is not to be trusted. There is a hungry look in her eyes.
But there is more bad news. After Elliot carried me outside, I watched helplessly as the canine found the order form for Thor’s Hammer. Right before my eyes, he thwarted my Evil Plan. He destroyed the form by covering it in slobber and dirt. He is cleverer than I thought. Well, well, well, it appears he has thrown down the gauntlet. Challenge accepted! He thinks he has saved himself from a bonk on the head, but he has underestimated me. I will make a new plan for his elimination—a plan so genius, his simple doggy brain will not be able to comprehend. Victory shall be mine!
JASMINE: Jackson and I are going swimming. Can Gizmo come with us?
ELLIOT: In the pool?
JASMINE: Sure. He can use Barbie’s raft. Come on. It’ll be fun!
MOM: Put Wedgie inside. I don’t want him running around the pool again and falling in.
Jasmine grabs the canine by the collar and pulls him into the house. Then she closes the door. Elliot
follows Jasmine to the backyard. I have not yet visited this area. I wonder if I will see any places that might work for my lair? I perch in Elliot’s hand, trying to get a good view. We stop at the edge of a huge pool of water. How very interesting. The water is sky blue. It sparkles in the sunshine. Elliot places me upon a floatation device and sets me adrift.
As a species, we cavies are excellent swimmers. I have never been on a raft before. Floating is a very pleasant sensation. Whilst I stretch on my belly, the three human children play in the water. The canine is watching us from the window, drooling with envy. I wave at him. That’s right, Thorgi, I see you. You tried to stop me from ordering Thor’s Hammer, but I will come up with another Evil Plan. For I am an Evil Genius, and I shall still defeat you! Then I turn away from him and that is when I observe something most interesting.
JASMINE: Jackson, why are you making that weird face? Are you peeing?
JACKSON: Uh-huh.
MOM: Jackson, that’s bad. You’re not supposed to pee in the pool.
ELLIOT: Gross. Does he do that a lot?
MOM: No, just this one time, right, Jackson?
JACKSON: I peed in the pool one thousand times!
ELLIOT: AAHH!
A thousand pees? I’m never going in there again.
JASMINE: The pool is poisoned!
What turn of events is this? The beautiful blue water has suddenly become poisonous, and the humans will no longer swim in it. How interesting. I do not possess the Hammer of Thor, but another excellent opportunity has presented itself. Somehow, I will lure the canine into the Pool of a Thousand Pees, where he will meet his doom. I shall be free of his pokey nose and build my Evil Lair. My archenemy will be vanquished!