From that moment on, we never went a day without speaking. He called or emailed every day, always excited to hear about the day in the life of his best American friend. As the calls and emails continued, I’d hope he was beginning to have feelings for the way I had developed for him, but he signed every letter, Your Friend, Jamie.
At first, our conversations were just as they had been at camp: playful and honest, but never intimate. I knew everything about his life in Ireland. I knew about his friends, and girlfriends too. I knew he lived with his father, and his mother had died when he was five, just like mine. We told each other everything. Everything except the fact that we were both falling in love with each other.
When he called me on Christmas Eve that first year apart, everything changed for us.
“Merry Christmas, Lex.” His normally casual, joking tone had a hint of sadness speckled in those three simple words.
I wondered whether the change in his voice was his frustration about setting an expectation of having to talk with me every day. I was always insecure when it came to Jamie. I knew he had a ton of friends and was very popular at his school as captain of the rugby team. I immediately thought that maybe the novelty of having an American friend had worn off.
“Merry Christmas, Jamie. I didn’t think you’d call today. I don’t want you to feel like you have to talk to me every day.” My voice betrayed my heart and I realized just how important his daily calls had become to me.
“Don’t say things like that. I’ve been waiting to call you all day, Lex. Talking to you is the best part of every day.” His admission made my heart thump against my flannel Christmas pajamas. He took a deep sigh. “I think about you a lot, Lex. Do you think about me?”
Whoa, that came out of left field.
My heart beat so fast and hard, I thought I would die right there and never get to hear the words I’d been dreaming about these past six months.
“All the time,” I said without hesitation.
He laughed and I smiled at my admission. “I feel closer to you than I’ve ever felt with anyone, Lex. I can tell you anything. I do tell you anything. I hate that I can’t be with you tonight. All I could think about at church was how much I wanted you at my side. I wanted to inhale the sweet vanilla scent of your hair. It seems to be all I can think about lately.” His rambling caught me too off guard that I didn’t dare interrupt him. He was saying everything I had dreamed about for so long. “Fuck, why do you have to live all the way across the ocean?”
He paused for an answer. I still couldn’t think clearly. “Are you drunk?” I was too scared to believe what he was saying to me.
He laughed again and I could almost see the half smile he would shoot me across the pool last summer. “Maybe a little.” During the brief pause he took, my heart broke apart into little pieces of lost hope. “But that doesn’t change the fact that I love you, Lex.”
Those three words were like nothing I’d ever heard before. I couldn’t imagine any three words ever meaning more to me than when they crossed his lips and hit my ears, going directly to my heart. I couldn’t speak. I was breathing too hard to get out the words.
“I know it can never work between us. I. Know. It. My friends remind me every day when I talk about you. But that doesn’t change the way I feel.” The way he was being honest and brave with his words was one of the many reasons I knew I loved him too. “Now I just want to know how you feel. I can’t go on this way, not knowing how you feel about me. I went through the entire summer hoping you’d fall for me like I had for you.”
Wait, what? He’d felt this way last summer and didn’t do anything about it?
I closed my eyes and pictured his face. “I love you too, Jamie. I really do. But what can we do about it?”
“We do what we’ve been doing, except you stop going out with all those assholes you’ve been dating and wait for me this summer. I’ve been thinking a lot about this. You’ll probably think I’m crazy, and maybe I am. I want us to apply to the same colleges. You know I want to come to the States for school. It’s what my mum always wanted. I will follow you anywhere, Lex.”
I laughed aloud, unable to hide my happiness, and felt a little crazy myself for having hope this could work out. “This is crazy,” I said in disbelief, “but I want nothing more, Jamie McCullen.”
Now, here we are, finally together again, and life has never felt so amazing. Every breath I take is sweeter when he’s around. Every leaf is greener, every sunset is more romantic, and every day is better with him in my life.
I tossed Jamie a towel from the lifeguard tower I’m perched in and watched him dry the glistening water off his perfectly sculpted body. I imagine running my hands all over his chest and feeling his bare skin pressed up against mine. He smiled up at me—knowing exactly what I’m thinking—climbed up the wooden ladder and used the rope of my whistle to pull me down for a kiss.
“You have a dirty mind, Miss Patterson,” he joked.
Although I couldn’t break my eyes from his, I tried to hold my ground, never wanting to give him the upper hand too easily. “I don’t know what you mean. I was just thinking you need a haircut.”
He laughed and shook his head. I’m splattered with water like a wet dog; the fire that was burning inside me cools and I find myself laughing like one of those giggling girls who drive me nuts.
“What time are you done here? I have something special planned for us tonight,” he asked with his sideways grin.
I blush at the way he’s looking at me, and had to look away so he didn’t notice my insecurity. Jamie had been so patient with me this summer, not pushing me to do anything I’m not ready for. But I know he’s ready. I know he’s been ready since we saw each other for the first time again a month ago. It’s not that I’m not ready; it’s just that I’m scared. I’m afraid that my lack of experience will disappoint him. I looked down at my watch, trying to calm my nervous breaths. “I have about another hour left on my shift. Then I’ll have…”
Jamie leaned across the ladder. His fingers slid through mine, calming my nerves with his one simple touch, and gave my hand a reassuring squeeze. “Meet me at the dock at six o’clock sharp then.” He flipped over my wrist and placed a soft kiss on his favorite place that seemed to have a direct line to my heart and paused to look up at me with his lively eyes. “I love you so much, Lex.”
Before I could answer, he hopped off the ladder and walked away without another look back, giving me the perfect view to admire until he was out of sight. I leaned back in my chair, and looked out to the children splashing in the water before me, wondering if love always felt this special.
I imagined with Jamie, it would always feel this special. He said that loving someone was never easy for him. After he suddenly lost his mom in a car accident, he didn’t think he’d ever be able to love anyone again. He said he didn’t want to love anyone again. But when he met me, he had no choice in what his heart wanted.
I stood on the dock later that night, nervously tugging on the straps of my bright yellow sundress that flowed to my knees like bursts of sunshine. It complemented my sun-kissed skin in a way that seemed to make my light blue eyes seem almost crystal-clear. It wasn’t skimpy like many of the dresses girls my age wore, but it wasn’t frumpy either. It was Jamie’s favorite dress and I would do anything to make him happy tonight.
I felt silly for being so nervous about what he had planned for tonight. Everything had been so comfortable and easy between us since we arrived at camp that I seemed to keep waiting for something bad to happen. It’s how my life usually worked for me—just when things seem perfect, they all crashed down around me.
I had the perfect family until my mom died. A part of my dad died with her, and I watched him spiral into a depression, even though I had no idea that’s what was wrong back then. I just knew my dad wasn’t able to do anything other than go to work and come home and drink. He drank every night, until one day he seemed to snap out of it, and I’ve never seen him have
another drink since then. Just as he seemed to be getting his life back together and was the father I remembered, he lost his job, and we were forced to move to a small apartment across town. The past several years, he partnered up with the owners of a popular family restaurant on the Jersey Shore who helped him start up the bakery he’d always wanted and was able to rent a small house on the shore for the two of us to live in. Things had been looking up for me, and now that I had Jamie in my life, and we’re planning on going to NYU in the fall together, I’m filled with doubt that things will come crashing down again.
“Sorry to keep you waiting, a stór.” His voice was alive and filled with anticipation. “The sunset tonight is almost as beautiful as you.” Jamie’s soft, raspy voice whispered in my ear as he wrapped his arms around my chest, folding me easily into his broad arms.
“I’d wait for you forever.” I laced my fingers through his as I leaned my head back into his comforting chest.
He gently kissed the back of my head, letting us both take in the beauty of the moment together. Most of the other campers and group leaders were at the weekly gathering held in the main hall, leaving the usually bustling campgrounds virtually empty.
I noticed him taking in my scent and tighten his arms around me, as if I were about to vanish into thin air like he so often did when we were together this way. It’s moments like these that I remember how much we’ve both lost in our life. Losing our mothers is one of the things that had bound us so closely. We cherished life. We knew how precious each moment was and how quickly everything can be taken away. Unlike most kids our age here, we weren’t looking for the next party or hookup; we wanted every chance we had this summer to be together, discovering who we were and get to know everything we could about our lives before moving away together in the fall.
“Alright, let’s go.” Jamie suddenly took my hand and led me off the dock with a giddy grin that made me giggle with excitement. His smile was honest and pure, just like him. I didn’t want to ask questions and spoil any surprise he had for me, even though they kept barraging me with every turn we took. He deserved his efforts to be appreciated, and after seeing the way he looked tonight, I had no doubt I would be showing him just how much I appreciated everything about him.
When he turned and looked back at me as we made our way through the rocky path, waves of fear and adoration flushed through me. His unruly dark hair hung loosely over his fiery eyes that seemed to pierce my heart with his love for me. It was both terrifying and exciting to be falling in love with someone as hard as I was for him. Sometimes I lay awake at night wondering how I could have been lucky enough to have someone like Jamie love me. As ruggedly handsome as he is, his heart is what is most attractive to me. He’s the most loyal, honest, and kind person I had ever met. He made me laugh, he made me think, he made me take risks—he made me believe anything was possible.
He believed in us before I even knew we were a possibility. He inspired me to do better and to be better. I knew I was young, maybe even a little naïve in the ways of love, but even I knew enough about love that when you find someone like Jamie McCullen, you don’t let him go.
“Are we there yet?” I needed to break my gaze from his before I jumped all over him with these thoughts swimming in my mind.
“Patience, lass.” He pulled me up to him and spun me around expertly up against the rough oak at the side of the path. His eyes turned soft as he ran his hands through my long, brown waves, pressing his forehead against mine. “I love you so much it feels like my heart can’t beat without you close.”
He pressed his lips softly against mine and let out a soft moan of pleasure. As our kiss deepened, my body was ablaze with anticipation. If this was what true love really felt like, then I never want to be anywhere but with him. My body was alive and reacting to each gentle touch of his hands as they slid down my back and grasped at the sides of my dress as our mouths met each other’s with desperation. Each kiss grew deeper, making me feel like my very survival depended on getting as close to him as possible. As I ran my hands through his still damp, shaggy hair, he pulled me even closer, pressing us up against the tree in a possessive way that sent me soaring with desire.
Before I could let the wave of pleasure he’s driving inside me explode, he pulled back, breathless, with a confident smile. “I love what you do to me, Lex. No one’s ever driven me this crazy with just a kiss.” He leaned down and gave me one last firm kiss, as if he were giving away his favorite treat, and laughed to himself when my body deceived me and let out a moan of disappointment when he broke our kiss again. “It’s clear you can’t keep your hands off me either, so we better keep going or you’ll ruin my surprise.”
“Hey, you’re the one who attacked me. I was ready to keep moving minutes ago,” I said, trying to stand my ground, and as usual, tried unsuccessfully to hide the fact that he had my heart, wholly and completely.
His eyes smoldered as he leaned in and ran his fingers up the inside of my leg as he feathered kisses on my neck. I closed my eyes as I became putty in his hands. “Are you sure you’re ready to go?” His husky voice was filled with desire as he tested me.
“Positive,” I answered meekly, secretly begging for him to continue his search north.
I tried to hide the fact that I was completely helpless to his touch, but my body once again betrayed me and folded into his wantonly.
Just as he was about to reach the place that begged for his touch, he placed one sweet kiss on my mouth and backed away. “Let’s go then,” he said, exhibiting more self-control than me.
Jamie led me over the top of a grass-covered hill to the clearing near one of the properties on the outskirts of camp. There, in the soft glow of the sunset, I noticed a red plaid blanket spread out under the willow tree where we had our first real kiss this summer. He turned with eager eyes to watch my expression as I took in the scene before me. I leaned up and gave him a kiss on the cheek before taking off through the wavy, tall grass toward the spread he had laid out for the two of us. Jamie trailed behind, watching me with hope that his surprise would be well received. Little did he know that just being with him was special enough for me. He always made me feel special and cherished when we were together.
I noticed a small picnic basket next to pillows he had set up at the base of the tree and a small, intricately designed silver box sitting next to it, begging for me to open it to see what was inside.
Jamie came up beside me and tucked me under his arm, kissing the top of my head. “How does dinner under the stars sound tonight?”
“Perfect as long as it’s with you.” I pointed down to the box. “What’cha got there?”
“Patience is a virtue,” he quipped playfully again.
Patience was going to be a difficult feat for me tonight.
“Alexa, where did you put my blue and white tie?” Mike yells up at me from the room he’s been sleeping in downstairs since I discovered a text on his phone of some blonde’s half-naked body. Mike denied knowing who the woman was, which I knew was total bullshit. He said it must’ve been a wrong number—more bullshit. Unfortunately, she was smart enough to keep her face out of the picture, so I have no idea who it was that sent it to him; it was also sent from an unknown number. I was smart enough to forward the picture to my phone; that way, I could at least figure out what her dumb ass tattoo on her hip said. I don’t know why I cared, but I was grasping at anything to be able to confirm my fears and stop Mike from telling me I’m paranoid.
“Faithful.”
Yep, a woman who is sending my husband naked pictures has a tattoo that says “faithful” permanently etched in her skin. How’s that for irony? I’ve since deleted the picture because looking at it was pure torture. In my heart, I know it wasn’t a mistaken number, but I have to try to trust him and not let my insecurities get to me because I’ve never been able to prove otherwise. I keep reminding myself that I’m unhappy in my marriage because he works constantly, and I feel abandoned; his work is what keeps h
im occupied, not other women. I have to remember that Mike has a very busy and important job, and up until recently, was the only provider for our family. He’s never cheated on me before, and I can’t assume his distant behavior is because of another woman. I have to remind myself that doubting him this way isn’t fair to him. Or at least that’s what our therapist tells me to do. I am clearly failing at those reminders.
Mike and I made the decision to work on our marriage even harder after the blowup with the half-naked picture. I have to believe Mike when he says that he’s still in love with me and wants to keep our family together as much as I do. So far, marriage counseling seems to be working in some ways. It’s been weeks since I’ve been able to sleep next to him, but with each of my private meetings with my therapist, I’m able to open back up to Mike more and more. I’m glad she agrees with my need for space this way and isn’t making me feel crazy for wanting to sleep separately while working through my feelings of distrust for my husband.
There are times when I wonder why Mike doesn’t protest the separate sleeping arrangements, but then I remember there’ve been countless nights in the past when he’s slept downstairs after a late night at the office so he didn’t wake me. This hasn’t really been anything too unusual for us. Truth is, I’ve been working almost as much as he has lately. My interior design business has picked up, and I haven’t had a break between jobs in a few weeks and am too tired most nights to care he isn’t next to me. For people who haven’t been married for as long as we have, this may seem horrible, but when you’re comfortable and secure in a relationship, it doesn’t seem horrible at all, until my suspicions he was cheating on me began.
Now that we have an actual cause for the separate room, it has more of a cloud of failure over it, although I don’t think Mike actually thinks of it that way. He says he just is respecting my wishes and is trying anything I ask to make our relationship work.