“Good to see you, Lex,” he says in his smooth Irish brogue.
“Hi,” I say, simply because I’m not sure what to call him. We both turn to Frank and Lee, hoping they’ll save us from the tension that is building like a tsunami with each look.
Awkward doesn’t begin to describe our dinner as Jamie and I acted uncomfortably polite to each other, while Lee and Frank tried to pretend they didn’t know everything about our past. My night has been filled with flashes of Mike’s confession, and it makes me feel uncomfortable sitting here next to Jamie. If feels as if I’m doing something wrong, even though I’m not.
I’m trying to treat Jamie as if he were any other client I was having dinner with throughout the evening. It wasn’t uncommon for me to go and celebrate with some of my clients, and I tried my best to act the way I would have with anyone else. Jamie seemed almost amused by my attempt to maintain a nonchalant attitude when we all talked about very safe topics like Jamie’s restaurants and Lee’s job in technology, all the while ignoring the elephant in the room. Jamie rarely spoke about himself, letting Frank and Lee take over the conversation. Jamie would pause the conversation only to ask questions when he learned of my boys. It seemed to make him happy that I had gotten the family he knew I always wanted, or at least it seemed as if that’s how he wanted me to feel.
Lee did like she promised and always cut off our conversations when they got too personal. I didn’t want to get into my past with Jamie tonight, especially with the two of them sitting here. Just when I thought she was being the best wing-girl of all time and we had just finished our meal, she and Frank decide to excuse themselves and go outside for a cigarette.
What. The. Hell.
Lee doesn’t even smoke.
“I’ll get the bill,” I call after them, wanting to make sure she knows I’m going home as soon as I can. Today has been the worst day of my life and all I want to do is get home and be with my boys. Certainly one of the weirdest. It feels as if I’m on The Twilight Zone and I just need this all to end.
I look around the room for the waiter. I’m really looking anywhere but at Jamie at this point, not wanting to leave any opening for things to get personal between us while they’re gone.
Why is it that every time you need a waiter, they’re never around?
After a few minutes of fruitless searching, I glance at Jamie out of the corner of my eye as I reach for my drink, trying anything to avoid an actual conversation from beginning. He’s grinning at me over his glass.
He swirls the whiskey in his highball glass and squints at me playfully over the rim. “It really is good to see you, Lex.” He takes a sip of his amber drink and places it back down on the table. As he leans in toward me on his elbow, the end of the words he has tattooed below his wrist peek out. “I’ve been wanting to talk to you since I saw you at the party a few weeks ago.”
I’m not sure what he expects me to say to that. Does he actually think that I’ve been wanting to talk to him? I spent years wishing he’d talk to me, and even longer grateful I never had the chance. “I can’t say the same.”
He puts his glass down and sits back in his seat, as if he’s not only expected my answer, but is amused by it. “I deserve that. I know I do.” He exhales deeply, reaches out for his glass again and takes a sip before he continues. “I hope one day you’ll let me explain myself. I know I behaved badly, and I’ve regretted it every day. I don’t expect you to ever forgive me, but I want you to know why I did what I did, and that I know I was wrong…”
I have to stop him before he says anything more. I know he’s intending to be nice, but with each word he says, the anger and frustration intensifies inside me. “I don’t think it’s really necessary…C.J., is it?” I say sarcastically, making him narrow his eyes at me, trying to hide the hurt behind them.
“It’s a nickname from home. My initials.” His accent is stronger than ever, as he still tries to hide that I’ve upset him.
I try to push away the memories of how we used to be when we would be stubborn toward each other. It used to be a game for us to see who would fold first.
Life is different now. This isn’t a game.
Just the look of frustration on his face makes me realize that I am doing exactly what I was trying to avoid. I’m far past being the brokenhearted girl I was when he left. I don’t want to have a tense relationship with him while I work on his restaurants. I’m not a spiteful person, and I shouldn’t act this way toward him. I don’t need his explanations or apologies anymore. I had forgiven Jamie years ago and need to show him I’ve completely moved on. Mike needs me to do this job, and working on this together is another way to bring Mike and I back together. Jamie needs to be an afterthought.
I try to backtrack and smooth things over between us. “I think it would just be best if we started over. We don’t need to talk about the past. All is forgiven and forgotten. I promise.” I hold my gaze to his with confidence and hold my glass up to his. “To the future.”
He smiles again, brushing his unruly dark hair off his brow, and I feel a little lighter that one part of my day might be turning up. “To the future.”
I shift uncomfortably on the sticky leather couch, feeling uncomfortable for the first time in an appointment with my therapist, Dr. Murphy. Her questions are much more self-evaluative today and I was hoping to gain some confidence about myself before my weekend away with my family.
Mike and I began to see Dr. Murphy a little over a year ago, both together and separate, to talk about our marriage. Although our marriage has only continued to deteriorate instead of improve, I’ve appreciated her outlook and the advice she gives to me to help not only be a better, more understanding wife, but to work on being a more strong and independent individual.
This is the first time I’m seeing her after Mike decided to stop coming to her. His work has become so busy since taking on the construction of Jamie’s restaurant; he said his time with therapy wasn’t helping and only taking more time away from our family. It was hard to disagree with his point of view with the state our marriage is currently in. But it still frustrates me and makes me feels as though it’s another sign he’s giving up, especially after his admission of infidelity yesterday, but there’s nothing I could say to persuade him differently. He’s promised to find another therapist once his next job is complete, and he has more free time, but I don’t believe him. He’ll just sign on to another job and continue being absent.
“Did you hear me, Alexa?” Dr. Murphy interrupts my thoughts that began to sink back into my pleas with Mike to come here with me today.
“Sorry, can you repeat the question?” I twist the tissue in my hand back and forth nervously.
She smiles calmly at me and nods with a patient smile, although I can’t help but feel defensive at the condescending manner she seems to have taken today. “Of course.” She sits back in her large blue chair, looking back down at her notes. “How do you feel now that he’s admitted to being in love with someone else?”
I recoil at her rephrasing what Mike confessed to and quickly correct her. “He’s not in love with someone. He’s confessed to missteps in our marriage, but promised that he’s realized he’s committed to making our marriage work. He loves me and our family and doesn’t want to lose us.” I relax a little when she smiles and nods as if she realizes her error, urging me to go on. “Lee thinks I’m crazy to believe him when he says he loves me. But she doesn’t know him the way I do. The way he looked at me, and the way he’s been since yesterday, makes me know he’s all in.”
“Hasn’t Lee been friends with Mike as long as you’ve been together? Don’t you think her opinion may have some value?”
I always hate when she makes valid points that make me look internally this way. “I always take Lee’s opinion seriously, but she’s never been married. It’s not just about Mike and me. We love our kids, and they deserve to have parents who are going to give it everything we can to keep our family together. I believe Mike when
he says he’s all in. I have to if we’re going to make this work.” Just saying all of this is making me feel better, so I continue. “I know that Lee may always have her questions about Mike, but I can’t let that be the decisive factor in my marriage. If you would have been there yesterday and seen the look in Mike’s eyes when he begged for my forgiveness, you wouldn’t doubt his sincerity either. He—”
Dr. Murphy uncharacteristically cuts me off. “Don’t you think your pride is going to interfere again? Haven’t you always said if Mike truly wanted to be with someone else, you’d leave him because you couldn’t be second in his heart? Maybe he’s just trying to get you to stay with him because it’s too expensive to divorce you. How do—”
“Too expensive to divorce me?” The twisted tissue snapped in my hands at the complete change in direction this conversation so quickly took. “It was a fling. He had his opportunity to leave me when he confessed to me. I told him to make a choice. He had his opportunity to leave me and choose her and he didn’t take it because he does love me. I know that.” I sit up straighter, getting increasingly defensive with her attitude toward me today. I can’t help but wonder whether she’s upset that she lost Mike as a client because of me.
Her face softens, realizing she’s struck a chord, and reaches out to pat my hand. “Remember, it’s my job to help you look at all angles of things. I’m only trying to help. You know I support any decision you make with him.” She sits back again, and smiles up at me, making the room feel lighter again.
“I know, I’m sorry. It’s all so raw still and I’m just a little touchy about it all. I don’t even know what I want anymore, other than to have everything go back to the way they were. Safe. Normal.”
“According to you, things haven’t been that way in years.” She’s right; it hasn’t. “You’re going to need to accept the new normal, or make the decision to let go.”
I close my eyes to hold back the tears, knowing in my heart the new normal is a life of sadness and emptiness. “I think this weekend is going to help us go back to where we were, Dr. Murphy. I don’t think I’m going to need to accept mediocracy anymore. I think every good marriage has its bumps in the road and it’s our job to keep moving, and learn the right ways to avoid those potholes. I’m choosing to see smooth roads ahead.”
“I’ve taught you well.” She smiles and holds up her coffee cup. “To smooth roads ahead.”
I take my cup in my hand and tap it to hers. “To smooth roads.”
“How about we send the boys home ahead of us, and stay another night?” Mike nips at my ear and pulls the sheet off my naked body.
This weekend has gone even better than I imagined. We spent the days by the pool and going to Sea World with the boys, and our nights were spent having romantic dinners alone on the beach. It was easy to forget the direction our marriage had become while hidden away in this blissful place. Mike was acutely attentive to me and the boys, showering us with special surprises and affection. Being Mike’s wife this weekend only filled me with pride instead of failure. After a weekend of keeping my physical distance from Mike, still feeling betrayed and confused, I allowed him into my bed last night after a few margaritas and an the ridiculous idea that by sleeping with him again, I’d have won. I told myself that he’d remember all of the best parts of our marriage and family if I allowed this last step to bring us back together.
I was wrong.
This morning, he’s acting as I always wished he would, but something inside me keeps wanting to push him away. The damage has been done.
“We have to get back.” I pull the covers back up over me and try and slide away from him casually, “we have a big meeting together tomorrow.”
He continues kissing across my chest as his hands drift up my thighs, unaware of my change of heart. “Let’s skip it. I’m not sure I want you working with your ex-boyfriend anymore. You’re all mine.”
I stiffen and lift my head to look down at him. “Wasn’t I all yours last week too?” I say accusingly. “Or is it now that you’ve dumped your slut, I can’t be around any man you feel threatened by?” I sit up and push him off me.
“Christ almighty, Alexa, don’t ruin this weekend with your insecurities. I was kidding. I know I have nothing to worry about with him. He likes his women young and dump-able.” Mike laughs as he makes another cut to my ego.
I watch as Mike gets up out of bed, picking up his clothes before heading to the bathroom, without any regard to how he just made me feel. I know I promised not to bring up his infidelity while we were away on the trip, but I’ll be damned if I’ll let Mike act like Jamie wouldn’t choose me either. Or that I’d even give a shit if he did.
My face heats up as I go over all the times Mike has made me feel unimportant. I gather up the sheet around me and follow him to the bathroom. When he sees me there, he exhales, exasperated, before he leans against the wall.
“For the record, Michael,” I’m seething with frustration, “even if Jamie wanted to be with me, I wouldn’t ever do anything to jeopardize our marriage. Because I took a vow.” I walked up to him and tapped each word on his chest. “I. Don’t. Break. Vows.”
“Well, you sure have mastered ruining a good time,” he mumbles before he walks past me and out the door.
On the trip home, we keep our conversation with the boys light, and go back to pretending everything is fine, even though our fight this morning showed we are anything but.
I’m going to have to find a way to get Mike back into therapy with me, because if there’s ever been a time to talk things out with a third party, it’s now. This weekend showed me that as much as I want things to go back to how they were, it’s going to be impossible to just ignore what has happened. And that seems to be exactly what Mike expects me to do. I realize now that he just wants me to forgive him and move on, which I just can’t do. He’s lost my trust; he’s hurt me and a part of me wants him to pay for destroying all of that. Even if his repentance is going to therapy and admitting we are in this place in our marriage because of him and his actions. I need him to do something on his end to try to make us work again.
“Mom, when are we going back to New Jersey? Is it before Fourth of July, or after?” Liam asks, always excited to go back and see his summer friends. Colin and Liam will be spending a week with me and my dad and one week up at Camp Callahehee, where I spent two summers in high school. The place that brought Jamie into my life.
My dad brought up the camp to Mike and me last year, noticing the boys’ interest in art. I knew first-hand what an amazing place Camp Callahehee is, and the opportunity and experiences it provides, aside from heartbreak.
“Before the Fourth,” I answer, trying to add some happiness in my tone. I remind myself how good it will be for the boys to get away from the tense atmosphere that our home has taken. Up until this morning, I had hopes that things were getting better, but now realize we have a lot of work to do before we go back to how things were. Or at least for me to get used to the new normal, as Dr. Murphy put it.
“Are you coming, Daddy?” Liam presses, knowing how rarely Mike ever joins us for more than a weekend.
“Yeah.” He smiles, probably thinking this gesture will make things better for us, and smiles at his sons in the rearview mirror.
The boys both high-five, clearly excited to see their dad was going to make time for them. It made me sad that the smallest gesture meant so much to them and only highlighted Mike’s absence in their life.
I try my best to hide the frustration festering inside me. I know immediately by his tone that he has no intentions to stay the entire two weeks. I wish he wouldn’t make those kind of promises to the boys, only to squash them in the end.
I know I should be happy he was even able to get away for this entire weekend together, when I haven’t had an uninterrupted night alone with him, much less an entire weekend, in years. I close my eyes and think back to Dr. Murphy’s words; I remind myself that it’s up to me to make the choice to forgive him and
move on. I’m the one who will drown our marriage if I can’t let go of the anchor that’s holding us underwater. I need to make myself believe that if he tells the boys he’s coming back East, then he’ll follow through with it.
I try to remember that even though Mike has been fielding emails and texts all weekend from work, he kept doing everything he could to make sure his work issues didn’t interfere with our fun. Now, here in the car silence next to him, I’m realizing just how much stress he must be under with not only our family life, but also handling some big issue that seems to be overwhelming him at the moment. Each time he looks at his phone, his face turns a different shade of red. Before this weekend, I would have assumed all of these phone calls were from a girlfriend, and now realize my jealousy was keeping me from being a support to him and his job.
“What’s going on? Is everything okay at the office?” I slide my hand to his lap, trying to show a sign of unity when he tosses his cell in the drink holder.
“The usual.” He gives me a fake smile. “It’s like they have a GPS on me to know when I’m close.” Mike pulls off the freeway at the exit to his office and gives me an apologetic look. “I have to stop in for one minute and get my other laptop, okay?”
I nod in agreement as the kids moan. I’m glad to see that there are no other cars in the parking lot, which means no one is there to hold Mike up or take him hostage to consult on one of the other projects. Mike leans over and kisses my cheek before he hops out of the car and runs into the office. The boys are both entertained by their iPads, so I take the opportunity to listen to some music and send a text to Lee.
Me: We’re baaacckkk!