Doable but not what she’d been hoping for. She would always worry. Every time she mixed up colors or numbers like she still so often did, she’d worry it was something more.
Dr. Murphy rose, and she and Ryan followed suit. Ryan thanked him.
“No problem. Set up an appointment for your son on your way out. We’ll just make sure everything’s fine with him as well.”
“Thank you.” Kate followed Ryan out the door.
When the elevator door slid closed behind them, he wrapped his arm around her shoulder and pulled her close. She could feel the relief in his body and the disappointment lurking beneath. “That’s good news,” he said into her hair.
Why didn’t he sound more sure? She rested her head against his chest, fought the urge to sink into him and let him be her strength. She wasn’t stupid enough to think there was any sort of happily ever after for them. Not when she knew what was going on between them was just physical, that it wasn’t strong enough to last.
When his lips grazed her temple, her eyes slid shut. He was warm and comforting, everything she needed right now. And it scared her to death.
“Yeah,” she whispered. So why didn’t she believe it?
“Something’s going right,” he said quietly.
She nodded in agreement. She wasn’t going to die of cancer. She might turn out okay even with all the drugs they’d pumped into her. But would she survive whoever was out there snuffing out research patients?
That was the question swirling in her mind now. That and what the hell she was going to do about the man next to her.
***
Kate let her head fall back against the headrest and closed her eyes. The rhythmic clicking told her they were still on the bridge, that in good traffic she had another twenty minutes to ponder the nightmare that was her life before they made it to the beach.
What she wanted was a long, hot bath, an enormous glass of wine, and solitude. What she had was Ryan Harrison. Seated next to her, he radiated tension and worry. And it only grated on her more.
Her cell phone rang, startling her out of her depressing musings. She reached into her bag and lifted it to her ear.
“Kate, is that you? It’s Simone.”
“Hey.”
“Where are you?”
“In the car, on the way out to Moss Beach.”
“Is Ryan with you?”
Kate’s gaze flicked sideways at Ryan’s tense shoulders as he turned the wheel of the Jag. “Yeah, he’s here.”
“I wasn’t able to find him. His secretary said he was out today, but that he had his phone on him.”
“He must have turned it off.” During the appointment with Dr. Murphy. When they’d been talking about her future. A future that didn’t look as optimistic as it had only a few hours ago.
“Regardless, I’m glad I found you,” Simone said. “I have news. We found Reynolds.”
“You did?”
“Yeah. Facedown in his swimming pool in Houston.”
“Shit.”
Ryan’s gaze shot to her. She saw the questions in his eyes but glanced away. She couldn’t deal with his worry. Not yet.
“Yeah,” Simone went on. “Authorities are calling it an accidental drowning. He was bloated for two full days before the neighbors found him. Turns out he took an unexpected trip to Canada, just after Jake died. Neighbors didn’t even know he was back yet.”
“Oh, my God.” Kate closed her eyes.
“They’re not ruling out foul play, but at the moment, it doesn’t look like they have any leads.”
“How convenient.”
“Kate.” Simone paused again. “There’s more.”
She swallowed hard. Did she really want to know? No. She didn’t. “Tell me.”
“My PI has a lead on Walter Alexander. He thinks he’s found him up in Vancouver, BC. I’ve got some business in Seattle later this week. I think I might catch a flight up and see if I can find him.”
Panic coursed through Kate. “No. Don’t do that.”
“Relax, it’s no biggie. The firm won’t even miss me.”
“Simone, you don’t understand. Things are getting out of control. Don’t go up there. Just walk away.”
“Kate, I really don’t think—”
Ryan plucked the phone out of her hand. Her fingers clenched into a fist. Her jaw tightened. Anger and frustration at the entire situation welled inside her. As he listened intently while Simone relayed the information to him a second time, Kate closed her eyes and dropped her head back against the seat. If he wanted to take over, she’d let him. She couldn’t do anything about it. He had as much at stake here as she did. But his overbearing reaction was just one more reminder that he expected her to be the docile wife he remembered, and that wasn’t her.
He ended the conversation just about the time he pulled into her drive in Moss Beach. His strong hand reached for hers, and she fought the urge to cling to him. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
“Talk to me,” he said quietly.
That wouldn’t solve anything. It would only make it worse. A tender conversation about her fears and anxieties would only land her where she really didn’t need to be, and that was in his arms.
She needed to keep perspective, to figure out what the hell she was going to do next. To stop being distracted by a crazy attraction that would only lead to heartbreak.
“I’m fine,” she said again. “I just need a few minutes.”
With hands more steady than she expected, she eased out of the car. He followed her into the house and stood in the entry with his hands on his hips, watching her. She turned to face him, avoiding his gaze, avoiding the comfort she knew was right where she wanted it. “I need to go get a few things upstairs. Just…just make yourself at home. I’ll be back.”
She wasn’t sure how she made it up the stairs, but she paused at the top, looked one way, then the other. Her bedroom was to the right, Reed’s bedroom and her office to the left. If she went into her bedroom and Ryan followed, her willpower would break, and they’d end up in bed. If she went into her office, she’d have the buffer of walls between her and that soft, sweet spot she wanted to tumble across with him.
Sinking into the chair behind her desk, she dropped her hands in her lap and glanced around. Boxes still sat near the window. Pictures leaned against the wall, waiting to be hung. So many things she’d meant to get to, but had never found time for.
“What are you doing?”
Ryan’s voice didn’t surprise her. She’d known he’d follow, that he’d be worried. Why was she able to read him so well all of a sudden?
“Storm’s coming in,” she said quietly, staring out the window.
“Looks pretty calm to me.”
“It’s deceptive. You can tell when a big one’s coming. The wind dies down. There’s the slightest hint of darkness on the horizon. And when you step outside, you can almost smell it in the air.”
He crouched in front of her, resting a hand on her thigh. Her skin sizzled through the thick denim of her jeans. Her body ached to be caressed by those firm hands.
It wouldn’t help.
“Everything’s going to be okay,” he said gently. “Don’t worry.”
Don’t worry. Just like that. If only.
She mustered up as much courage as she could and faced him. “I don’t need you to make it okay for me, Ryan. I know you think you have to swoop in here and protect me from this whole thing, but I can handle it.”
His back straightened, but he didn’t move his hand. “That’s not what I’m doing.”
“Yes, it is. I know you’re just trying to help, but you’re smothering me. I came up here with the intention of getting my things to go back with you but realized what I need is time to sort through everything on my own.”
His eyes narrowed. “I missed something between this morning and now. What’s going on?”
She brushed his hand away and rose. Telling him to leave when his touch w
as searing her skin wouldn’t work. She needed space between them. “You didn’t miss anything from this morning. Maybe you just missed it in general.”
He pushed to his feet. “You’re going to have to explain, because I can’t seem to read your mind.”
She lifted her hands, dropped them. “What do you see when you look at me?”
“Is this a trick question?”
“No. It’s an honest one. I know what you see. You see Annie.”
“And that’s bad because…”
“Because, Ryan, I’m not her.”
A frown tugged at his mouth. “What are you talking about?”
He didn’t get it. She wasn’t sure he ever would. And even though it wasn’t the most pressing issue at the moment, it would always be a problem between them. Dealing with it now, before either of them got more hurt in this crazy situation was the best idea.
“I’m talking about this.” She waved her hands. “This, this thing going on between us isn’t working. Every time you look at me, you see someone who doesn’t exist anymore. You have this need to protect me, but it’s not me you’re worried about, it’s someone I used to be. Someone I’m not anymore.”
“Run that by me again, because I’m a little lost.”
She let out a breath. “Ryan, in all the time we’ve been together, you haven’t once called me Kate.”
“Yes, I have.”
“No, you haven’t. I’ve been listening.” Her heart clenched, but she refused to acknowledge the pain. A pain that was a thousand times sharper than she’d expected. “I can admit I’m wildly attracted to you, but that’s just physical. It doesn’t mean anything. You’re attracted to someone who’s not here anymore. I don’t know how to be that person, and I’m not even sure I want to try. I like who I am now. And the person I am now doesn’t need you hovering over her, trying to shelter her from this whole mess.”
He shifted his weight. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying…I don’t think this is going anywhere. I appreciate your help, that you’ve given up time today to check things out with me, but going back to your house with you tonight isn’t going to help matters. Reed and Julia are already confused. Being near you, acting on this combustible attraction isn’t going to help make things better. We both know this isn’t going anywhere, that neither of us is what the other needs or wants in the long run.”
The muscles in his jaw tightened. “So this morning—”
“This morning was me being emotional and overreacting to the stress I’ve been under. It didn’t mean anything.”
Anger flashed in his eyes. Swallowing the lump in her throat, she stood her ground. If she were lucky, he’d get the hint soon and leave before she changed her mind.
Because she really wanted to change her mind. She wanted to throw herself into his arms and hide from everything going on around them. She wanted to forget he thought of someone else when they were together, because she wanted him more than she wanted to think logically.
“I think you should go, Ryan,” she said quietly.
“Just like that?”
“Yes.”
“This is crap. Tell me what’s really going on.”
“This is what’s really going on.” He wasn’t getting it, so she put as much emotion into her voice as she could, hoping that would get her point across. “I don’t need you. And I don’t want you. And the sooner you get that, the better off we’ll all be.”
His eyes locked on hers. Steely, cold eyes. The same hard, emotionless eyes he’d turned on her at the beginning, before the press conference, before he’d kissed her, before she’d realized just what kind of caring man he was inside. “Fine. Whatever.”
He brushed by her. She listened as his footsteps echoed down the stairs. Flinched when the front door opened and slammed shut.
Shaking, she sank to the ground and leaned back against the wall. Tears pooled in her eyes, and her chest ached with a fierceness she hadn’t expected. This pain was so much worse than when she’d lost Jake, and it only made her realize just how much she did want Ryan. She’d fallen for him against her better judgment. And now, no matter where she went, no matter who she met, the reality of what she’d just let slip away would haunt her forever.
The first drops of rain pelted the window. The wind picked up, and waves pounded the shore like a mighty fist. She glanced out at the gray clouds even as tears slid down her cheeks.
Chapter Sixteen
Ryan stood on Annie’s front porch and drew in deep, calming breaths. He didn’t need this shit. He’d been on an emotional roller coaster since the day she’d shown up on his doorstep, and it was only getting worse. And he definitely didn’t need a woman telling him what he thought and felt. He knew, dammit.
He jogged down the front steps and walked through the rain to his car. If she wanted to be alone, he’d just leave her alone. He’d been through enough hell because of her.
This morning was me being emotional and overreacting to the stress I’ve been under. It didn’t mean anything.
Her words ran through his mind as he pulled the car door open, and he remembered the look in her eyes when she’d said it. That haunted emotion brewing deep inside. His chest tightened. He’d been so focused on her words, he’d almost missed the most important sign.
Up until they’d seen Dr. Murphy, she’d been fine. She’d handled the news about the phone calls with a calmness he hadn’t expected. She’d even accepted Dr. Murphy’s explanation of her injury. It was only when Ryan had asked if she was going to get her memory back that she’d pulled up those damn invisible walls. Since then, she’d been withdrawn, reserved, hiding behind those barriers.
Dammit. She was pushing him away because she thought he was only interested in who she used to be. She couldn’t possibly know he was starting to question that himself. That he’d already noticed the differences in her, that the attraction he felt to her was stronger than it had ever been before.
And she was sugarcoating it by implying she didn’t need him to take care of her. Then he remembered the panic in her voice when Simone had mentioned going up to Canada.
She wasn’t just scared. She was protecting him too. Not wanting him to get too involved. Doing exactly what she’d told him not to do.
Son of a bitch.
Water ran in rivulets down his face as he slammed the car door, as he jogged back up the front steps. He didn’t knock, instead thrust the door open with his shoulder and took the stairs two by two until he got to the top. When he rounded the corner into her office, he found her slumped against the wall, her elbows crossed over her up-drawn knees, her face buried in her arms.
So much for not caring. She was lying through her teeth.
Her head darted up when she heard him. Tears streaked her cheeks. She swiped her hand across her nose. “What are you doing…?”
He grasped her by the shoulders, plucked her off the floor, and pressed her back against the wall. Then he closed his mouth over hers, hot, hungry, his kiss filled with all the anger and frustration and need swirling inside him.
Her hands bunched in his wet shirt, and she tried to wiggle free, but he held her tight, pressed his body into hers. He kissed her hard, demanding a response. She bucked beneath him, but he felt the moment she gave in. The moment she grabbed on and pulled him tighter instead of pushed him away. The moment she opened her mouth and drew his tongue into hers, drawing his heart right along with it.
A strangled moan resonated from her. Desire tightened in his stomach. Blood rushed straight to his groin. Grasping her T-shirt by the hem, he yanked it over her head and dropped it on the floor.
“Tell me I don’t mean anything to you.” He nipped her ear, sucked the lobe deep in his mouth, pressed his lips against that upside down, heart-shaped birthmark near her jaw. The one he’d licked and nibbled a thousand times before. The one that was familiar and new all at the same time.
She shivered. Her head fell back as she wrapped her arms around his shoulders
, pulling him closer. She arched into him, offered more of her neck to his mouth, ground her hips against his erection. “You don’t. It’s…it’s just sex.”
The hell it is.
With hands he knew were way too rough, he grasped her bra and yanked. The front hook gave with a pop. He shoved the lacy garment aside, closed his hands over her naked breasts, bruising, kneading. He lowered his head to her right nipple, flicked the tip with his tongue, drew it deep in his mouth. She cried out when his teeth scraped the sensitive tip, hardening into a little bud, but she didn’t push him away, and he wasn’t done yet. He repeated the process on the other side, groaning himself when she thrust her hips into his in response.
“Say it again,” he said as he kissed her collarbone, her throat, as he found her mouth again. “Tell me this isn’t real.”
She shook her head, grasped his soaked shirt, and pulled it over his head. “It’s not.”
“You lie.”
He yanked the buttons open on her jeans, had his hands inside pushing them down before she even got the top button of his undone. In one swift move, her jeans and underwear lay in a pile on the floor.
Gasping, she reached for him. He captured her wrists, pinned them to the wall over her head with one hand. “Still nothing?”
She swallowed, shook her head. But he saw the desire in her eyes. Saw the hunger. Saw the need.
For him. Not for anyone else. Just him. Only him.
His mouth closed over hers. She opened for him, tangled her tongue with his. He brushed a hand down her belly, felt her quiver when his fingers slid into her curls. Groaned when he felt the hot, sweet wetness between her thighs.
“You’re dripping. You need to come, don’t you, baby?” She trembled at his words while he kissed her lips, while he circled his finger in her wetness until he found her clit. “Tell me how much you need me.”
She groaned, pushed her hips forward. He slid his finger lower, inside, knew exactly where she liked to be stroked.
“Ryan...”
“Tell me,” he said against her ear. “Tell me you feel what I do. I know you do. I know you can’t fight it anymore than I can.” He added a second finger, stroked her deep, found her clit with his thumb and circled until she cried out and came, her whole body trembling with her release.