CHAPTER XLV
MURTAGH'S TALE
'Well, Shorsha, about a year and a half after you left us--and asorrowful hour for us it was when ye left us, losing, as we did, yourfunny stories of your snake--and the battles of your military--they sentme to Paris and Salamanca, in order to make a saggart of me.'
'Pray excuse me,' said I, 'for interrupting you, but what kind of placeis Salamanca?'
'Divil a bit did I ever see of it, Shorsha!'
'Then why did you say ye were sent there? Well, what kind of place isParis. Not that I care much about Paris.'
'Sorrow a bit did I ever see of either of them, Shorsha, for no one sentme to either. When we says at home a person is going to Paris andSalamanca, it manes that he is going abroad to study to be a saggart,whether he goes to them places or not. No, I never saw either--bad luckto them--I was shipped away from Cork up the straits to a place calledLeghorn, from which I was sent to --- to a religious house, where I wasto be instructed in saggarting till they had made me fit to cut a decentfigure in Ireland. We had a long and tedious voyage, Shorsha; not sotedious, however, as it would have been had I been fool enough to laveyour pack of cards behind me, as the thaif, my brother Dennis, wanted topersuade me to do, in older that he might play with them himself. Withthe cards I managed to have many a nice game with the sailors, winningfrom them ha'pennies and sixpences until the captain said that I wasruining his men, and keeping them from their duty; and, being a hereticand a Dutchman, swore that unless I gave over he would tie me up to themast and give me a round dozen. This threat obliged me to be more on myguard, though I occasionally contrived to get a game at night, and to winsixpences and ha'pennies.
'We reached Leghorn at last, and glad I was to leave the ship and themaster, who gave me a kick as I was getting over the side, bad luck tothe dirty heretic for kicking a son of the church, for I have always beena true son of the church, Shorsha, and never quarrelled with it unless itinterfered with me in my playing at cards. I left Leghorn with certainmuleteers, with whom I played at cards at the baiting houses, and whospeedily won from me all the ha'pennies and sixpences I had won from thesailors. I got my money's worth, however, for I learnt from themuleteers all kind of quaint tricks upon the cards, which I knew nothingof before; so I did not grudge them what they chated me of, and when weparted we did so in kindness on both sides. On getting to --- I wasreceived into the religious house for Irishes. It was the Irish house,Shorsha, into which I was taken, for I do not wish ye to suppose that Iwas in the English religious house which there is in that city, in whicha purty set are educated, and in which purty doings are going on if alltales be true.
'In this Irish house I commenced my studies, learning to sing and to readthe Latin prayers of the church. 'Faith, Shorsha, many's the sorrowfulday I passed in that house learning the prayers and litanies, beinghalf-starved, with no earthly diversion at all, at all; until I took thecards out of my chest and began instructing in card-playing the chumwhich I had with me in the cell; then I had plenty of diversion alongwith him during the times when I was not engaged in singing, andchanting, and saying the prayers of the church; there was, however, somedrawback in playing with my chum, for though he was very clever inlearning, divil a sixpence had he to play with, in which respect he waslike myself, the master who taught him, who had lost all my money to themuleteers who taught me the tricks upon the cards; by degrees, however,it began to be noised about the religious house that Murtagh, fromHibrodary, {296} had a pack of cards with which he played with his chumin the cell; whereupon other scholars of the religious house came to me,some to be taught and others to play, so with some I played, and others Itaught, but neither to those who could play, or to those who could not,did I teach the elegant tricks which I learnt from the muleteers. Well,the scholars came to me for the sake of the cards, and the porter and thecook of the religious house, who could both play very well, came also; atlast I became tired of playing for nothing, so I borrowed a few bits ofsilver from the cook, and played against the porter, and by means of mytricks I won money from the porter, and then I paid the cook the bits ofsilver which I had borrowed of him; and played with him, and won a littleof his money, which I let him win back again, as I had lived long enoughin a religious house to know that it is dangerous to take money from thecook. In a little time, Shorsha, there was scarcely anything going on inthe house but card-playing; the almoner played with me, and so did thesub-rector, and I won money from both; not too much, however, lest theyshould tell the rector, who had the character of a very austere man, andof being a bit of a saint; however, the thief of a porter, whose money Ihad won, informed the rector of what was going on, and one day the rectorsent for me into his private apartment, and gave me so long and pious alecture upon the heinous sin of card-playing, that I thought I shouldsink into the ground; after about half an hour's inveighing againstcard-playing, he began to soften his tone, and with a long sigh told methat at one time of his life he had been a young man himself, and hadoccasionally used the cards; he then began to ask me some questions aboutcard-playing, which questions I afterwards found were to pump from mewhat I knew about the science. After a time he asked me whether I hadgot my cards with me, and on my telling him I had, he expressed a wish tosee them, whereupon I took the pack out of my pocket, and showed it tohim; he looked at it very attentively, and at last, giving another deepsigh, he said, that though he was nearly weaned from the vanities of theworld, he had still an inclination to see whether he had entirely lostthe little skill which at one time he possessed. When I heard him speakin this manner, I told him that if his reverence was inclined for a gameof cards, I should be very happy to play one with him; scarcely had Iuttered these words than he gave a third sigh, and looked so very muchlike a saint that I was afraid he was going to excommunicate me. Nothingof the kind, however, for presently he gets up and locks the door, thensitting down at the table, he motioned me to do the same, which I did,and in five minutes there we were playing at cards, his reverence andmyself.
'I soon found that his reverence knew quite as much about card-playing asI did. Divil a trick was there connected with cards that his reverencedid not seem awake to. As, however, we were not playing for money, thiscircumstance did not give me much uneasiness; so we played game aftergame for two hours, when his reverence, having business, told me I mightgo, so I took up my cards, made my obedience, and left him. The next dayI had other games with him, and so on for a very long time, still playingfor nothing. At last his reverence grew tired of playing for nothing,and proposed that we should play for money. Now I had no desire to playwith his reverence for money, as I knew that doing so would bring on aquarrel. As long as we were playing for nothing, I could afford to lethis reverence use what tricks he pleased; but if we played for money, Icouldn't do so. If he played his tricks, I must play mine, and use everyadvantage to save my money; and there was one I possessed which hisreverence did not. The cards being my own, I had put some delicatelittle marks on the trump cards, just at the edges, so that when I dealt,by means of a little sleight of hand, I could deal myself any trump cardI pleased. But I wished, as I said before, to have no dealings for moneywith his reverence, knowing that he was master in the house, and that hecould lead me a dog of a life if I offended him, either by winning hismoney, or not letting him win mine. So I told him I had no money to playwith, but the ould thief knew better; he knew that I was every daywinning money from the scholars, and the sub-rector, and the other peopleof the house, and the ould thief had determined to let me go on in thatway winning money, and then by means of his tricks, which he thought Idare not resent, to win from me all my earnings,--in a word, Shorsha, tolet me fill myself like a sponge, and then squeeze me for his ownadvantage. So he made me play with him, and in less than three days cameon the quarrel; his reverence chated me, and I chated his reverence; theould thaif knew every trick that I knew, and one or two more; but indaling out the cards I nicked his reverence; scarcely a trump did I evergive him, Shorsha
, and won his money purty freely. Och, it was a purtyquarrel! All the delicate names in the "Newgate Calendar," if ye everheard of such a book; all the hang-dog names in the Newgate histories,and the lives of Irish rogues, did we call each other--his reverence andI! Suddenly, however, putting out his hand, he seized the cards, saying,"I will examine these cards, ye cheating scoundrel! for I believe thereare dirty marks on them, which ye have made in order to know the winningcards." "Give me back my pack," said I, "or m'anam on Dioul if I be notthe death of ye!" His reverence, however, clapped the cards into hispocket, and made the best of his way to the door, I hanging upon him. Hewas a gross fat man, but, like most fat men, deadly strong, so he forcedhis way to the door, and opening it, flung himself out, with me stillholding on him like a terrier dog on a big fat pig; then he shouts forhelp, and in a little time I was secured and thrust into a lock-up room,where I was left to myself. Here was a purty alteration. Yesterday Iwas the idol of the religious house, thought more on than his reverence,every one paying me court and wurtship, and wanting to play cards withme, and to learn my tricks, and fed, moreover, on the tidbits of thetable; and to-day I was in a cell, nobody coming to look at me but theblackguard porter who had charge of me, my cards taken from me, and withnothing but bread and water to live upon. Time passed dreary enough fora month, at the end of which time his reverence came to me, leaving theporter just outside the door in older to come to his help should I beviolent, and then he read me a very purty lecture on my conduct, saying Ihad turned the religious house topsy-turvy, and corrupted the scholars,and that I was the cheat of the world, for that on inspecting the pack hehad discovered the dirty marks which I had made upon the trump cards forto know them by. He said a great deal more to me, which is not worthrelating, and ended by telling me that he intended to let me out ofconfinement next day, but that if ever I misconducted myself any more, hewould clap me in again for the rest of my life. I had a good mind tocall him an ould thaif, but the hope of getting out made me hold mytongue, and the next day I was let out; and need enough I had to be letout, for what with being alone, and living on the bread and water, I wasbecoming frighted, or, as the doctors call it, narvous. But when I wasout--oh, what a change I found in the religious house! no card-playing,for it had been forbidden to the scholars, and there was now nothinggoing on but reading and singing, divil a merry visage to be seen, butplenty of prim airs and graces; but the case of the scholars, though badenough, was not half so bad as mine, for they could spake to each other,whereas I could not have a word of conversation, for the ould thaif of arector had ordered them to send me to "Coventry," telling them that I wasa gambling cheat, with morals bad enough to corrupt a horse regiment; andwhereas they were allowed to divert themselves with going out, I was keptreading and singing from morn till night. The only soul who was willingto exchange a word with me was the cook, and sometimes he and I had alittle bit of discourse in a corner, and we condoled with each other, forhe liked the change in the religious house almost as little as myself;but he told me that, for all the change below stairs, there was stillcard playing going on above, for that the ould thaif of a rector, and thesub rector, and the almoner played at cards together, and that the rectorwon money from the others--the almoner had told him so--and, moreover,that the rector was the thaif of the world, and had been a gambler in hisyouth, and had once been kicked out of a club house at Dublin forcheating at cards, and after that circumstance had apparently reformedand lived decently till the time when I came to the religious house withmy pack, but that the sight of that had brought him back to his ouldgambling. He told the cook, moreover, that the rector frequently wentout at night to the houses of the great clergy and cheated at cards.
'In this melancholy state, with respect to myself, things continued along time, when suddenly there was a report that his Holiness the Popeintended to pay a visit to the religious house in order to examine intoits state of discipline. When I heard this I was glad, for I determined,after the Pope had done what he had come to do, to fall upon my kneesbefore him, and make a regular complaint of the treatment I had received,to tell him of the cheatings at cards of the rector, and to beg him tomake the ould thaif give me back my pack again. So the day of the visitcame, and his Holiness made his appearance with his attendants, and,having looked over the religious house, he went into the rector's roomwith the rector, the sub-rector, and the almoner. I intended to havewaited until his Holiness came out, but finding he stayed a long time, Ithought I would e'en go in to him, so I went up to the door withoutanybody observing me--his attendants being walking about thecorridor--and opening it I slipped in, and there what do you think I saw?Why, his Holiness the Pope, and his reverence the rector, and thesub-rector, and the almoner seated at cards; and the ould thaif of arector was dealing out the cards which ye had given me, Shorsha, to hisHoliness the Pope, the sub-rector, the almoner, and himself.'
In this part of his history I interrupted Murtagh, saying that I wasafraid he was telling untruths, and that it was highly improbable thatthe Pope would leave the Vatican to play cards with Irish at theirreligious house, and that I was sure if on his, Murtagh's authority, Iwere to tell the world so, the world would never believe it.
'Then the world, Shorsha, would be a fool, even as you were just nowsaying you had frequently believed it to be; the grand thing, Shorsha, isto be able to believe one's self; if ye can do that, it matters verylittle whether the world believes ye or no. But a purty thing for youand the world to stickle at the Pope's playing at cards at a religioushouse of Irish; och! if I were to tell you and the world what the Popehas been sometimes at at the religious house of English thaives, I wouldexcuse you and the world for turning up your eyes. However, I wish tosay nothing against the Pope. I am a son of the Church, and if the Popedon't interfere with my cards, divil a bit will I have to say againsthim; but I saw the Pope playing, or about to play, with the pack whichhad been taken from me, and when I told the Pope, the Pope did not--. Yehad better let me go on with my history, Shorsha; whither you or theworld believe it or not, I am sure it is quite as true as your tale ofthe snake, or saying that Finn got his burnt finger from the thaives ofLoughlin; and whatever you may say, I am sure the world will think sotoo.'
I apologized to Murtagh for interrupting him, and telling him that hishistory, whether true or not, was infinitely diverting, begged him tocontinue it.