CHAPTER IV
THE PROPOSAL--THE SCOTCH NOVEL--LATITUDE--MIRACLES--PESTILENTHERETICS--OLD FRASER--WONDERFUL TEXTS--NO ARMENIAN
The man in black having helped himself to some more of his favouritebeverage and tasted it, I thus addressed him: 'The evening is gettingrather advanced, and I can see that this lady,' pointing to Belle, 'isanxious for her tea, which she prefers to take cosily and comfortablywith me in the dingle. The place, it is true, is as free to you as toourselves, nevertheless, as we are located here by necessity, whilst youmerely come as a visitor, I must take the liberty of telling you that weshall be glad to be alone as soon as you have said what you have to say,and have finished the glass of refreshment at present in your hand. Ithink you said some time ago that one of your motives for coming hitherwas to induce me to enlist under the banner of Rome. I wish to knowwhether that was really the case.'
'Decidedly so,' said the man in black; 'I come here principally in thehope of enlisting you in our regiment, in which I have no doubt you coulddo us excellent service.'
'Would you enlist my companion as well?' I demanded.
'We should be only too proud to have her among us, whether she comes withyou or alone,' said the man in black, with a polite bow to Belle.
'Before we give you an answer,' I replied, 'I would fain know more aboutyou; perhaps you will declare your name?'
'That I will never do,' said the man in black; 'no one in England knowsit but myself, and I will not declare it, even in a dingle; as for therest, _Sono un Prete Cattolico Appostolico_--that is all that many a oneof us can say for himself, and it assuredly means a great deal.'
'We will now proceed to business,' said I. 'You must be aware that weEnglish are generally considered a self-interested people.'
'And with considerable justice,' said the man in black, drinking. 'Well,you are a person of acute perception, and I will presently make itevident to you that it would be to your interest to join with us. Youare at present, evidently, in very needy circumstances, and are lost, notonly to yourself, but the world; but should you enlist with us, I couldfind you an occupation not only agreeable, but one in which your talentswould have free scope. I would introduce you in the various grand houseshere in England, to which I have myself admission, as a surprising younggentleman of infinite learning, who by dint of study has discovered thatthe Roman is the only true faith. I tell you confidently that our popishfemales would make a saint, nay a God of you; they are fools enough foranything. There is one person in particular with whom I should wish tomake you acquainted, in the hope that you would be able to help me toperform good service to the holy see. He is a gouty old fellow, of somelearning, residing in an old hall near the great western seaport, and isone of the very few amongst the English Catholics possessing a grain ofsense. I think you could help us to govern him, for he is notunfrequently disposed to be restive, asks us strangequestions--occasionally threatens us with his crutch; and behaves so thatwe are often afraid that we shall lose him, or rather, his property,which he has bequeathed to us, and which is enormous. I am sure that youcould help us to deal with him; sometimes with your humour, sometimeswith your learning, and perhaps occasionally with your fists.'
'And in what manner would you provide for my companion?' said I.
'We would place her at once,' said the man in black, 'in the house of twohighly-respectable Catholic ladies in this neighbourhood, where she wouldbe treated with every care and consideration till her conversion shouldbe accomplished in a regular manner; we would then remove her to a femalemonastic establishment, where, after undergoing a year's probation,during which time she would be instructed in every elegantaccomplishment, she should take the veil. Her advancement would speedilyfollow, for, with such a face and figure, she would make a capital ladyabbess, especially in Italy, to which country she would probably be sent;ladies of her hair and complexion--to say nothing of her height--being acuriosity in the south. With a little care and management she could soonobtain a vast reputation for sanctity; and who knows but after her deathshe might become a glorified saint--he! he! Sister Maria Theresa, forthat is the name I propose you should bear. Holy Mother MariaTheresa--glorified and celestial saint, I have the honour of drinking toyour health,' and the man in black drank.
'Well, Belle,' said I, 'what have you to say to the gentleman'sproposal?'
'That if he goes on in this way I will break his glass against hismouth.'
'You have heard the lady's answer,' said I.
'I have,' said the man in black, 'and shall not press the matter. Ican't help, however, repeating that she would make a capital lady abbess:she would keep the nuns in order, I warrant her; no easy matter! Breakthe glass against my mouth--he! he! How she would send the holy utensilsflying at the nuns' heads occasionally, and just the person to wring thenose of Satan should he venture to appear one night in her cell in theshape of a handsome black man. No offence, madam, no offence, prayretain your seat,' said he, observing that Belle had started up; 'I meanno offence. Well, if you will not consent to be an abbess, perhaps youwill consent to follow this young Zingaro, and to co-operate with him andus. I am a priest, madam, and can join you both in an instant, _connubiostabili_, as I suppose the knot has not been tied already.'
'Hold your mumping gibberish,' said Belle, 'and leave the dingle thismoment, for though 't is free to every one, you have no right to insultme in it.'
'Pray be pacified,' said I to Belle, getting up, and placing myselfbetween her and the man in black, 'he will presently leave, take my wordfor it--there, sit down again,' said I, as I led her to her seat; then,resuming my own, I said to the man in black: 'I advise you to leave thedingle as soon as possible.'
'I should wish to have your answer to my proposal first,' said he.
'Well, then, here you shall have it: I will not entertain your proposal;I detest your schemes: they are both wicked and foolish.'
'Wicked,' said the man in black, 'have they not--he! he!--the furtheranceof religion in view?'
'A religion,' said I, 'in which you yourself do not believe, and whichyou contemn.'
'Whether I believe in it or not,' said the man in black, 'it is adaptedfor the generality of the human race; so I will forward it, and adviseyou to do the same. It was nearly extirpated in these regions, but it isspringing up again, owing to circumstances. Radicalism is a good friendto us; all the liberals laud up our system out of hatred to theEstablished Church, though our system is ten times less liberal than theChurch of England. Some of them have really come over to us. I myselfconfess a baronet who presided over the first radical meeting ever heldin England--he was an atheist when he came over to us, in the hope ofmortifying his own Church--but he is now--ho! ho!--a real Catholicdevotee--quite afraid of my threats; I make him frequently scourgehimself before me. Well, Radicalism does us good service, especiallyamongst the lower classes, for Radicalism chiefly flourishes amongstthem; for though a baronet or two may be found amongst the radicals, andperhaps as many lords--fellows who have been discarded by their own orderfor clownishness, or something they have done--it incontestablyflourishes best among the lower orders. Then the love of what is foreignis a great friend to us; this love is chiefly confined to the middle andupper classes. Some admire the French, and imitate them; others mustneeds be Spaniards, dress themselves up in a zamarra, stick a cigar intheir mouths, and say, "Carajo." Others would pass for Germans; he! he!the idea of any one wishing to pass for a German! but what has done usmore service than anything else in these regions--I mean amidst themiddle classes--has been the novel, the Scotch novel. The good folks,since they have read the novels, have become Jacobites; and, because allthe Jacobs were Papists, the good folks must become Papists also, or, atleast, papistically inclined. The very Scotch Presbyterians, since theyhave read the novels, are become all but Papists; I speak advisedly,having lately been amongst them. There's a trumpery bit of a half papistsect, called the Scotch Episcopalian Church, which lay dormant and nearlyforgotten for u
pwards of a hundred years, which has of late gotwonderfully into fashion in Scotland, because, forsooth, some of thelong-haired gentry of the novels were said to belong to it, such asMontrose and Dundee; and to this the Presbyterians are going over inthrongs, traducing and vilifying their own forefathers, or denying themaltogether, and calling themselves descendants of--ho! ho! ho!--ScottishCavaliers!!! I have heard them myself repeating snatches of Jacobiteditties about "Bonnie Dundee," and--
'"Come, fill up my cup, and fill up my can, And saddle my horse, and call up my man."
There's stuff for you! Not that I object to the first part of the ditty.It is natural enough that a Scotchman should cry, "Come, fill up my cup!"more especially if he's drinking at another person's expense--allScotchmen being fond of liquor at free cost: but "Saddle hishorse!!!"--for what purpose I would ask? Where is the use of saddling ahorse, unless you can ride him? and where was there ever a Scotchman whocould ride?'
'Of course you have not a drop of Scotch blood in your veins,' said I,'otherwise you would never have uttered that last sentence.'
'Don't be too sure of that,' said the man in black; 'you know little ofPopery if you imagine that it cannot extinguish love of country, even ina Scotchman. A thorough-going Papist--and who more thorough-going thanmyself--cares nothing for his country; and why should he? he belongs to asystem, and not to a country.'
'One thing,' said I, 'connected with you, I cannot understand; you callyourself a thorough-going Papist, yet are continually saying the mostpungent things against Popery, and turning to unbounded ridicule thosewho show any inclination to embrace it.'
'Rome is a very sensible old body,' said the man in black, 'and littlecares what her children say, provided they do her bidding. She knowsseveral things, and amongst others, that no servants work so hard andfaithfully as those who curse their masters at every stroke they do. Shewas not fool enough to be angry with the Miquelets of Alba, who renouncedher, and called her "puta" all the time they were cutting the throats ofthe Netherlanders. Now, if she allowed her faithful soldiers thelatitude of renouncing her, and calling her "puta" in the market-place,think not she is so unreasonable as to object to her faithful priestsoccasionally calling her "puta" in the dingle.'
'But,' said I, 'suppose some one were to tell the world some of thedisorderly things which her priests say in the dingle?'
'He would have the fate of Cassandra,' said the man in black; 'no onewould believe him--yes, the priests would: but they would make no sign ofbelief. They believe in the Alcoran des Cordeliers {21}--that is, thosewho have read it; but they make no sign.'
'A pretty system,' said I, 'which extinguishes love of country and ofeverything noble, and brings the minds of its ministers to a parity withthose of devils, who delight in nothing but mischief.'
'The system,' said the man in black, 'is a grand one, with unboundedvitality. Compare it with your Protestantism, and you will see thedifference. Popery is ever at work, whilst Protestantism is supine. Apretty Church, indeed, the Protestant! Why it can't even work amiracle.'
'Can your Church work miracles?' I demanded.
'That was the very question,' said the man in black, 'which the ancientBritish clergy asked of Austin Monk, after they had been fools enough toacknowledge their own inability. "We don't pretend to work miracles; doyou?" "Oh! dear me, yes," said Austin; "we find no difficulty in thematter. We can raise the dead, we can make the blind see; and toconvince you, I will give sight to the blind. Here is this blind Saxon,whom you cannot cure, but on whose eyes I will manifest my power, inorder to show the difference between the true and the false Church;" andforthwith, with the assistance of a handkerchief and a little hot water,he opened the eyes of the barbarian. So we manage matters! A prettyChurch, that old British Church, which could not work miracles--quite ashelpless as the modern one. The fools! was birdlime so scarce a thingamongst them?--and were the properties of warm water so unknown to them,that they could not close a pair of eyes and open them?'
'It's a pity,' said I, 'that the British clergy at that interview withAustin, did not bring forward a blind Welshman, and ask the monk tooperate upon him.'
'Clearly,' said the man in black; 'that's what they ought to have done;but they were fools without a single resource.' Here he took a sip athis glass.
'But they did not believe in the miracle?' said I.
'And what did their not believing avail them?' said the man in black.'Austin remained master of the field, and they went away holding theirheads down, and muttering to themselves. What a fine subject for apainting would be Austin's opening the eyes of the Saxon barbarian, andthe discomfiture of the British clergy! I wonder it has not beenpainted!--he! he!'
'I suppose your Church still performs miracles occasionally?' said I.
'It does,' said the man in black. 'The Rev. --- has lately beenperforming miracles in Ireland, destroying devils that had got possessionof people; he has been eminently successful. In two instances he notonly destroyed the devils, but the lives of the people possessed--he! he!Oh! there is so much energy in our system; we are always at work, whilstProtestantism is supine.'
'You must not imagine,' said I, 'that all Protestants are supine; some ofthem appear to be filled with unbounded zeal. They deal, it is true, notin lying miracles, but they propagate God's Word. I remember only a fewmonths ago, having occasion for a Bible, going to an establishment, {23}the object of which was to send Bibles all over the world. Thesupporters of that establishment could have no self-interested views; forI was supplied by them with a noble-sized Bible at a price so small as topreclude the idea that it could bring any profit to the vendors.'
The countenance of the man in black slightly fell. 'I know the people towhom you allude,' said he; 'indeed, unknown to them, I have frequentlybeen to see them, and observed their ways. I tell you frankly that thereis not a set of people in this kingdom who have caused our Church so muchtrouble and uneasiness. I should rather say that they alone cause usany; for as for the rest, what with their drowsiness, their plethora,their folly, and their vanity, they are doing us anything but mischief.These fellows are a pestilent set of heretics, whom we would gladly seeburnt; they are, with the most untiring perseverance, and in spite ofdivers minatory declarations of the holy father, scattering their booksabroad through all Europe, and have caused many people in Catholiccountries to think that hitherto their priesthood have endeavoured, asmuch as possible, to keep them blinded. There is one fellow amongst themfor whom we entertain a particular aversion; a big, burly parson, withthe face of a lion, the voice of a buffalo, and a fist like asledge-hammer. The last time I was there, I observed that his eye wasupon me, and I did not like the glance he gave me at all; I observed himclench his fist, and I took my departure as fast as I conveniently could.Whether he suspected who I was, I know not; but I did not like his lookat all, and do not intend to go again.'
'Well, then,' said I, 'you confess that you have redoubtable enemies toyour plans in these regions, and that even amongst the ecclesiasticsthere are some widely different from those of the plethoric and Platitudeschools.'
'It is but too true,' said the man in black; 'and if the rest of yourChurch were like them we should quickly bid adieu to all hope ofconverting these regions, but we are thankful to be able to say that suchfolks are not numerous; there are, moreover, causes at work quitesufficient to undermine even their zeal. Their sons return at thevacations, from Oxford and Cambridge, puppies, full of the nonsense whichthey have imbibed from Platitude professors; and this nonsense theyretail at home, where it fails not to make some impression, whilst thedaughters scream--I beg their pardons--warble about Scotland's Montrose,and Bonny Dundee, and all the Jacobs; so we have no doubt that theirpapas' zeal about the propagation of such a vulgar book as the Bible willin a very little time be terribly diminished. Old Rome will win, so youhad better join her.'
And the man in black drained the last drop in his glass.
'Never,' said I, 'will I become
the slave of Rome.'
'She will allow you latitude,' said the man in black; 'do but serve her,and she will allow you to call her "puta" at a decent time and place, herPopes occasionally call her "puta." A Pope has been known to start fromhis bed at midnight and rush out into the corridor, and call out "puta"three times in a voice which pierced the Vatican; that Pope was--'
'Alexander the Sixth, I dare say,' said I; 'the greatest monster thatever existed, though the worthiest head which the popish system everhad--so his conscience was not always still. I thought it had beenseared with a brand of iron.'
'I did not allude to him, but to a much more modern Pope,' said the manin black; 'it is true he brought the word, which is Spanish, from Spain,his native country, to Rome. He was very fond of calling the Church bythat name, and other Popes have taken it up. She will allow you to callher by it if you belong to her.'
'I shall call her so,' said I, 'without belonging to her, or asking herpermission.'
'She will allow you to treat her as such if you belong to her,' said theman in black; 'there is a chapel in Rome where there is a wondrously fairstatue--the son of a cardinal--I mean his nephew--once-- Well, she didnot cut off his head, but slightly boxed his cheek and bade him go.'
'I have read all about that in "Keysler's Travels,"' said I; 'do you tellher that I would not touch her with a pair of tongs, unless to seize hernose.'
'She is fond of lucre,' said the man in black; 'but does not grudge afaithful priest a little private perquisite,' and he took out a veryhandsome gold repeater.
'Are you not afraid,' said I, 'to flash that watch before the eyes of apoor tinker in a dingle?'
'Not before the eyes of one like you,' said the man in black.
'It is getting late,' said I; 'I care not for perquisites.'
'So you will not join us?' said the man in black.
'You have had my answer,' said I.
'If I belong to Rome,' said the man in black, 'why should not you?'
'I may be a poor tinker,' said I, 'but I may never have undergone whatyou have. You remember, perhaps, the fable of the fox who had lost histail?'
The man in black winced, but almost immediately recovering himself, hesaid, 'Well, we can do without you, we are sure of winning.'
'It is not the part of wise people,' said I, 'to make sure of the battlebefore it is fought; there's the landlord of the public-house, who madesure that his cocks would win, yet the cocks lost the main, and thelandlord is little better than a bankrupt.'
'People very different from the landlord,' said the man in black, 'bothin intellect and station, think we shall surely win; there are clevermachinators among us who have no doubt of our success.'
'Well,' said I, 'I will set the landlord aside, and will adduce one whowas in every point a very different person from the landlord, both inunderstanding and station, he was very fond of laying schemes, and,indeed, many of them turned out successful. His last and darling one,however, miscarried, notwithstanding that by his calculations he hadpersuaded himself that there was no possibility of its failing--theperson that I allude to was old Fraser--'
'Who?' said the man in black, giving a start, and letting his glass fall.
'Old Fraser of Lovat,' said I, 'the prince of all conspirators andmachinators; he made sure of placing the Pretender on the throne of theserealms. "I can bring into the field so many men," said he; "myson-in-law, Cluny, so many, and likewise my cousin, and my good friend;"then speaking of those on whom the government reckoned for support hewould say, "So and so are lukewarm, this person is ruled by his wife, whois with us, the clergy are anything but hostile to us, and as for thesoldiers and sailors, half are disaffected to King George, and the restcowards." Yet, when things came to a trial, this person whom he hadcalculated upon to join the Pretender did not stir from his home, anotherjoined the hostile ranks, the presumed cowards turned out heroes, andthose whom he thought heroes ran away like lusty fellows at Culloden; ina word, he found himself utterly mistaken, and in nothing more thanhimself; he thought he was a hero, and proved himself nothing more thanan old fox; he got up a hollow tree, didn't he, just like a fox?
'"L'opere sue non furon leonine, ma di volpe."'
The man in black sat silent for a considerable time, and at lengthanswered, in rather a faltering voice, 'I was not prepared for this; youhave frequently surprised me by your knowledge of things, which I shouldnever have expected any person of your appearance to be acquainted with,but that you should be aware of my name is a circumstance utterlyincomprehensible to me. I had imagined that no person in England wasacquainted with it; indeed, I don't see how any person should be, I haverevealed it to no one, not being particularly proud of it. Yes, Iacknowledge that my name is Fraser, and that I am of the blood of thatfamily or clan, of which the rector of our college once said, that he wasfirmly of opinion that every individual member was either rogue or fool.I was born at Madrid, of pure, _oime_, Fraser blood. My parents at anearly age took me to --- {26a} where they shortly died, not, however,before they had placed me in the service of a cardinal, with whom Icontinued some years, and who, when he had no further occasion for me,sent me to the college, in the left-hand cloister of which, as you enter,rest the bones of Sir John D---; {26b} there, in studying logic andhumane letters, I lost whatever of humanity I had retained when discardedby the cardinal. Let me not, however, forget two points--I am a Fraser,it is true, but not a Flannagan: I may bear the vilest name of Britain,but not of Ireland; I was bred up at the English house, and there is at--- a house for the education of bog-trotters; I was not bred up at that;beneath the lowest gulf there is one yet lower; whatever my blood may beit is at least not Irish; whatever my education may have been I was notbred at the Irish seminary--on those accounts I am thankful--yes, _perdio_! I am thankful. After some years at college--but why should I tellyou my history, you know it already perfectly well, probably much betterthan myself. I am now a missionary priest labouring in heretic England,like Parsons and Garnet of old, save and except that, unlike them, I runno danger, for the times are changed. As I told you before, I shallcleave to Rome--I must; _no hay remedio_, as they say at Madrid, and Iwill do my best to further her holy plans--he! he!--but I confess I beginto doubt of their being successful here--you put me out; old Fraser ofLovat! I have heard my father talk of him; he had a gold-headed cane,with which he once knocked my grandfather down--he was an astute one,but, as you say, mistaken, particularly in himself. I have read his lifeby Arbuthnot, it is in the library of our college. Farewell! I shallcome no more to this dingle--to come would be of no utility; I shall goand labour elsewhere, though . . . how you came to know my name, is afact quite inexplicable--farewell to you both.'
He then arose, and without further salutation departed from the dingle,in which I never saw him again. 'How in the name of wonder, came you toknow that man's name?' said Belle, after he had been gone some time.
'I, Belle? I knew nothing of the fellow's name, I assure you.'
'But you mentioned his name.'
'If I did, it was merely casually, by way of illustration. I was sayinghow frequently cunning people were mistaken in their calculations, and Iadduced the case of old Fraser of Lovat, as one in point; I broughtforward his name because I was well acquainted with his history, fromhaving compiled and inserted it in a wonderful work, which I edited somemonths ago, entitled "Newgate Lives and Trials," {27} but without theslightest idea that it was the name of him who was sitting with us; he,however, thought that I was aware of his name. Belle! Belle! for a longtime I doubted in the truth of Scripture, owing to certain conceiteddiscourses which I had heard from certain conceited individuals, but nowI begin to believe firmly; what wonderful texts there are in Scripture,Belle! "The wicked trembleth where--where--"'
'"They were afraid where no fear was; thou hast put them to confusion,because God hath despised them,"' said Belle; 'I have frequently read itbefore the clergyman in the great house of Long Melford. But if you didnot know the ma
n's name, why let him go away supposing that you did?'
'Oh, if he was fool enough to make such a mistake, I was not going toundeceive him--no, no! Let the enemies of old England make the most ofall their blunders and mistakes, they will have no help from me; butenough of the fellow, Belle, let us now have tea, and after that--'
'No Armenian,' said Belle, 'but I want to ask a question: pray, are allpeople of that man's name either rogues or fools?'
'It is impossible for me to say, Belle, this person being the only one ofthe name I have ever personally known. I suppose there are good and bad,clever and foolish, amongst them, as amongst all large bodies of people;however, after the tribe had been governed for upwards of thirty years bysuch a person as old Fraser, it were no wonder if the greater part hadbecome either rogues or fools; he was a ruthless tyrant, Belle, over hisown people, and by his cruelty and rapaciousness must either have stunnedthem into an apathy approaching to idiocy, or made them artful knaves intheir own defence. The qualities of parents are generally transmitted totheir descendants--the progeny of trained pointers are almost sure topoint, even without being taught; if, therefore, all Frasers are eitherrogues or fools, as this person seems to insinuate, it is little to bewondered at, their parents or grandparents having been in thetraining-school of old Fraser; but enough of the old tyrant and hisslaves. Belle, prepare tea this moment or dread my anger. I have not agold-headed cane like old Fraser of Lovat, but I have, what some peoplewould dread much more, an Armenian rune-stick.'