so Eiti starts doin’ it
and pretty soon a big-ass fly lands on his hand and stings the shit out of it
but Eiti does not care. He is going crazy with that bellows.
and Brokk makes what he was trying to make.
He brings it to Loki and is like “Okay so we all love boars, right?
But you know what would make a boar even better?
GOLD.
GOLD MAKES EVERYTHING BETTER.
I AM A DWARF AND I COVERED THIS FUCKING BOAR IN GOLD.”
Okay, look, guys, I am just telling the story.
It is not fair to apply our modern conception of racism to a bygone past, okay?
I forget what the term for that is, but don’t do it.
Anyway the filthy dwarves still need to make two more things
so Brokk decides to cut out the middleman and just put some gold directly on his forge
and he’s like “Hey, Eiti remember what you did with the boar?
Just do exactly that, because it is totally crucial.”
so Eiti starts working the bellows and lo and behold
the same fucking fly shows up and bites him on his NECK
but Eiti just toughs it out and keeps on pumpin’
and Brokk finishes the thing he was making and brings it out to Loki
like “Check this gold ring I made.
I call it Draupnir.
But see the thing is, this is just one gold ring.
Do you think that is enough gold? I don’t think that is enough gold
so what I made it do, is every ninth night
it shits out EIGHT IDENTICAL RINGS.
There will be SO MANY RINGS.
I can melt them down for their gold
and use them to make more rings
that drop out MORE RINGS.
I HAVE CREATED INFINITE GOLD.
This is the dream of every dwarf, because we love gold so much.
Did you know we invented rings so we could have sex with gold?”
Okay, okay, hold on, guys.
If you have any dwarf friends
maybe you should just have them not read this myth
if they have read this far it is already too late
we’re pretty much done with the gold part and you have lost a friend.
Anyway, then Brokk puts a big-ass chunk of iron on the forge
And Eiti starts pumping that bellows
and then this SAME FUCKING FLY comes back and bites his eyelids. His EYELIDS.
But Eiti still just keeps on pumping
until blood from the gaping wounds this fly has inflicted trickles down into his eye
and he takes one hand off the bellows to wipe away all the blood
and the bellows stops and everything is RUINED.
It was supposed to be a hammer called Mjolnir
but now it is a hammer called Mjolnir WITH A KINDA SHORT HANDLE
and Brokk is like “Dang maybe I won’t get Loki’s head after all.”
But he still bundles up all the shit and takes it to Asgard because quitting is for pussies.
And in Asgard all the gods are like “HOLY DAMN
YOU MADE A RING THAT SHITS OUT MORE RINGS.
YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE A DWARF TO APPRECIATE INFINIGOLD.
Oh, and the boar is pretty nice too.
It could use more gold, maybe.”
And then Thor is like “Guys, this hammer is so sweet. It hits anything I throw it at
and then it always comes back to my hand.
I mean the handle is a little bit short but that doesn’t keep it from NEVER MISSING.
Guys, do you REALIZE how many frost giants we can kill with this?
This is the best Norse Christmas EVER.”
and Brokk is like “Looks like I won the bet, Loki
I am going to dip your head in gold and then probably fuck it.
That’s what I do, because I’m a dwarf.”
Look, I lied when I said the gold part was over.
If you had your dwarf friend just keep reading because you thought the damage was done
then I am really sorry, man
but you need taller friends.
So Loki starts running as fast as he can
but Thor just got that hammer that can hit anything 100 percent of the time
so he just kind of knocks Loki out and brings him back
and Loki is like “WAIT
I promised you my head but I never promised you the neck it rests on!
So you can’t cut it off. HAH.”
So Brokk just sews Loki’s mouth shut instead
which is probably the best thing for everybody.
So what we have learned today
is that dwarves give the best birthday gifts
so you should try and make up with your dwarf friends
no matter how short they are, or how bad they smell
or how much they keep eyeing your gold earrings
and licking their lips.
But that’s not the last wacky plan the gods come up with to avoid paying for shit . . .
ODIN GETS CONSTRUCTION DISCOUNTS WITH BESTIALITY
So as our story begins everything is going pretty good
the giants are leaving everyone alone for a minute
and everything is pretty okay
so obviously Odin has to go and fuck it all up by making a shitty deal with a giant.
He is like “Hey, giant
bet you can’t build a wall around my entire city in nine months.”
And the giant is like “What do I get if I win?”
And Odin is like “Well, I’m kinda cash poor at the moment.
How about Freyja?”
(Freyja is the goddess of love and other icky stuff
gifted to the Aesir by a group of identical gods they tried to kill one time.
What Odin is doing is called regifting and it is in poor taste.)
But Freya is way hot, so the giant is like “Sweet, okay.”
And Odin is like “Oh, and if you can’t finish the wall in time, then I get it for free.”
And the giant is like “Sure dude, whatever.”
Now Odin is pretty confident that there is no way the giant can build a wall in time.
I mean, Asgard is pretty much HUGE.
They had to build a six-mile-long feast hall just to accommodate Thor’s LEFT NUT.
So he just sits back and prepares to have a partially finished wall
TOTALLY FOR FREE.
You don’t become a god by being bad with money that is a fact.
But this plan is about to backfire SO HARD.
The giant and his unreasonably strong horse
are putting up this wall like it’s going out of style.
There are still several months to go
and the wall is almost totally finished.
So Odin is like “Oh shit, I might have to pay this giant for all the work that he’s doing.
UNACCEPTABLE.”
So he calls up Loki like “LOKI SOLVE MY PROBLEMS WITH GIANTS.”
And Loki is like “What? Why?”
And Odin is like “REMEMBER HOW WE HAVE AN OATH OF KINSHIP
THAT MEANS YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT I SAY?”
And Loki is like “Oh yeah.
Why did we do that again?”
And Odin is like “NO TIME FOR QUESTIONS. STALL THAT GIANT.”
So Loki is like “Sheeeeyiiiit.
I’m a pussy. I can’t stop a giant.
But WAIT!
I can stop his horse!
WITH MY PUSSY!”
so he turns into a superhot sexalicious girlhorse
> with her lady parts all distended and pungent
and the manhorse gets a whiff of that shit
and is like “I AM CALLING A TIME-OUT ON ALL THIS WORKING.
A SEX TIME-OUT.”
(Feel free to use these in your everyday life.
I know you were all searching desperately for some way to justify dropping everything
and just having a bunch of sex.
NOW YOU HAVE THAT JUSTIFICATION.)
So then the giant is like “How am I supposed to finish this wall without my powerhorse?
I feel like I may have been cheated by Odin just now.
I’m going to go yell at him.”
So he goes to Odin’s room like “ODIN WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY HORSE?”
and Odin is like “I dunno what you’re talking about. It was all Loki’s idea.”
and the giant is like “FUCK THIS I’M TAKING FREYJA.”
and Freyja is like “Who’s taking what now?”
because apparently Odin completely forgot to tell her about this deal.
So she’s like “THORRRR.”
and Thor runs into the room like “What?
Oh, you need me to kill a giant?
Yeah, all right.”
So he kills the giant
thus once again saving Odin from the consequences of his shitty actions.
So a couple months later
Loki finally comes back to Asgard
leading the megahorse he seduced and also another smaller horse
but what this horse lacks in size
it makes up for in TOO MANY LEGS.
Yes sir, this is THE OCTOHORSE.
(aka Sleipnir)
So Odin is like “Oh shit, give me those.”
and Loki is like “NUP. I’m totally giving the ultrahorse to Freyja.”
and Odin is like “Can I at least have the octohorse?”
and Loki is like “Only if I don’t have to do what you say anymore.”
and Odin is like “FINE.”
and Loki is like “HAHA, I PRANKED YOU
THAT HORSE CAME OUT OF MY HORSE VAGINA.”
And Odin is like “Ew, ick.
I still want the horse though.”
So the moral of the story
is that only a sucker pays full price for masonry.
Oh, speaking of which
let me tell you about another really gross thing Loki had sex with . . .
FENRIR IS A DILF
So one day, Loki’s wandering around Jotunheim
and he sees this chick Angrboða
pronounced ANGER BOW THE
and he is like “Well, I know she’s pretty ugly
and her name is kinda like a reference book entry for THE ANGER BOW
but you know what?
I’m gonna tap that
and have three kids with that
and all three of those kids are going to be horrible beasts that bring on the apocalypse.
I see no problems with this.”
So for now, let’s just focus on the first kid: a giant wolf named Fenrir.
Now Loki brings baby Fenrir to Asgard
and the Aesir all instantly know that this wolf is gonna be the death of them
mainly because it is a GIANT WOLF NAMED FENRIR.
But instead of doing anything about it
they decide to see if they can just raise it as their own
presumably because they don’t want to hurt Loki’s feelings.
So this god Tyr
the god of single combat and being awesome
gets put in charge of feeding Fenrir
because he’s the only person with sufficient testicular mass to actually go near the wolf
and Fenrir gets bigger
and bigger
and holy shit bigger
until the gods start to be like “Uhh . . . we should really do something about this wolf.”
So what they do is they make a big metal chain.
This chain is so incredibly massive
that they don’t feel right until they give it a name
that name is Leyding.
So they go up to Fenrir like “Hey, man
I bet you totally can’t break out of this chain.”
And Fenrir is like “Okay, bring it.”
So they tie him up
and he pretty much just breaks the chains like cobwebs
and he gets famous because of that
and the gods are like “Fuck, that backfired.
Okay, let’s make a better chain.”
so they make a chain that is TWO TIMES AS STRONG
and they name it Dromi
and they go back to Fenrir like “Bet you can’t break THIS chain.”
And Fenrir is like “I don’t know if I want to let you tie me up again.”
And the gods are like “Don’t you want to be double famous?”
and Fenrir is like “Ugh, okay.”
So he lets them tie him up again
and he flexes a little, but the chain doesn’t break
so then he kicks the chain, and it does break
and the gods are all like “Okay we definitely need a better chain.
Somebody call some dwarves.”
So the dwarves are like “Okay the mistake you guys have been making
is you have been trying to make a chain out of actual things that exist
such as metal
instead of abstract concepts
such as the sound of a cat’s footfall.”
So what the dwarves do
is they take the sound of a cat’s footfall
along with the roots of a mountain
the sinews of a bear
the beard of a woman—
remember, these are dwarves—
and the breath of a fish, and the spit of a bird
so that’s why you can’t hear cats walking around
and mountains don’t have roots
and fish don’t breathe, and birds don’t spit
but I think bears still probably have sinews
and I have definitely met me some bearded ladies
so I guess the dwarves were not that thorough.
But anyway
somehow they manage to distill all this shit into THE ULTIMATE CHAIN.
Except it’s not a chain, it’s a ribbon called Gleipnir.
It is thin and pink and soft
and the gods go and bring it to Fenrir
and are like “Bet you can’t get out of this ribbon.”
And Fenrir is like “Come ON, guys.
There is no fame to be gained from breaking a little girl’s pretty, pretty princess bow.
Plus, this is OBVIOUSLY a trap.”
And the gods are like “A trap? Whaaaat?
Why would we trap you?
What do you think we are desperately afraid of you or something?
We just thought
that if the great wolf Fenrir was too much of a pussnexus
to let himself get tied up by a pretty pink ribbon
we might just go and tell everybody about that
and then they would laugh at you.”
So Fenrir is like “OKAY FINE.
But I seriously don’t trust you guys
so how about I let you tie me up
if one of you puts your hand in my mouth as collateral.”
And all the gods are like “Um . . . well . . .”
Until Tyr is like “I’ll do it.” Because Tyr is a FUCKING BADASS
moved almost to the point of vomiting
but what tremendous wusses all his friends are.
So
then they tie Fenrir up
and Fenrir flexes
and then he tries kicking
and then he tries flailing around like a fucking lunatic
but that ribbon does not break
and he is like “DAMMIT.”
And bites off Tyr’s hand
and everyone laughs at Fenrir
except for Tyr
because he just got his hand bit off.
And Fenrir is all trying to scream and bite everyone
so they jam a sword in his mouth to keep it open forever
and Fenrir drools so much that it makes an entire fucking river
called “hope” in Norse for some reason
like this is some kind of fucked up morbid motivational poster.
HOPE:
YOU WILL EVENTUALLY ESCAPE YOUR HELLISH PRISON
AND RAIN DEATH AND FIRE UPON MIDGARD.
Because actually that is what the Norse prophecy says.
It says that eventually, at the end of the world
Fenrir will get loose and eat Odin.
So I guess the moral of the story
is that if your friend keeps bringing home his mutant babies
it is not your responsibility to raise those babies.
Remember this.
SEX 4 GOLD
Before we go any further
I feel like I need to tell you a little bit about the kind of person Freyja is.
But it is difficult to find a myth about Freyja
in which her main role isn’t just as something people give each other.
This is because the Norse appear to treat women as currency.
But don’t worry, guys
I found one
(kinda)
So Freyja wakes up one morning
and she is like “I JUST HAD A WET DREAM ABOUT SOME GOLD
AND NOW I WANT SOME.
But where shall I get some?
Oh wait
I live in a world that has dwarves.
WHAT A STUPID QUESTION.”
So she walks over to Dwarftowne
and while she is walking, Loki sees her and he is like “Oh man
that chick looks like she is about to get some TREASURE
I want to RUIN THAT ACCOMPLISHMENT FOR HER
because I am Loki and that is what I DO.”
So Loki follows Freyja all the way to the house of these four dwarves
and sitting on their pedestal
is just the most astonishing display of golduggery EVER.
(Golduggery is exactly like skulduggery