That is his name
Set.
I’m not talking about some kind of dick set
such as you might purchase for an adult tea party.
I am talking about the Egyptian god of the desert
and also storms, darkness, and chaos.
Basically if you are not having a good time
Set is right there, flipping you off with both hands
while jacking off
with his third hand?
Or maybe with a hand he stole
FROM A BABY.
What I mean is, Set’s a dick.
The reason I mention Set
is that he gets all butthurt over not being king of the gods
so he has this great plan
which is he makes this coffin out of wood
which is like tailor-made for Osiris basically
and then he calls up all the gods like “HEY, GUYS YOU SHOULD COME OVER
I’M HAVING A WEIRD COFFIN PARTY.”
And all the gods are like “Oh shit, weird coffin party.
We’ll be right over.”
So they all get there and Set is like “All right I made this coffin.
Whoever fits perfectly inside it gets candy.”
And of course, all the gods think this sounds like an awesome idea
so they all take turns trying to get into the coffin
and they all fail
but then it’s Osiris’s turn
and Osiris is like “I dunno, guys this seems like a transparent ruse.”
but then he gets in the coffin anyway
and it slams shut and locks
and Set lines it with lead and throws it in the Nile river
and everyone is like “Whoa, major coffin-party foul.”
and Set is like “So I get to be king now, right?”
AND HE DOES.
So naturally Osiris’s wife Isis decides to go find him
so she can at least bury him properly now that he has drowned
and she finds out that the coffin has floated all the way to Byblos
(which is actually just Lebanon in disguise)
and gotten absorbed by an oak tree
which got cut down
and used to build a support pillar
in a palace
for the king of Byblos.
Shiiiit.
So Isis shows up in Byblos like “Hey queen
my husband is embedded in your palace
may I please extract him?”
And the queen is like “Sure, go ahead.
It’s not like he’s a major structural support or anything, right?”
and Isis is like “Haha, sucker.”
And she goes and removes the pillar
WITHOUT DAMAGING THE PALACE AT ALL
thus inventing Jenga.
Except instead of delicately placing the coffin on top of the palace
Isis takes out Osiris’s body and drags it back to Egypt
and buries it in the desert
so he can finally rest in peace
apparently forgetting that Set is the GOD OF THE DESERT.
So Set very quickly sniffs out Osiris’s grave
and is like “Hmm I haven’t fucked with this guy enough.
How about I tear him into fourteen pieces
and then EAT HIS DICK.”
So that is what he does
and he chucks the other thirteen pieces all the fuck everywhere
and then Isis is like “What is that noise?
It better not be my husband getting ripped up and thrown everywhere.”
BUT IT IS TOO LATE
IT HAS ALREADY HAPPENED
and Isis finds out and she is like “Seriously? I just buried this guy.
Now I gotta go find all these body parts and bury them AGAIN
even though Set will prolly just find them again and rip them into SMALLER pieces.”
Anyway, she manages to find all the pieces
(which have turned into full moons by the way)
except for his dick
because like I said
SET ATE IT
so Isis is like “Maaaan
Osiris’s dick was like the most important part of his personality”
so what she does
is she makes a GOLD COCK
and she hangs it around her neck
and BAM
Osiris is alive again
with a golden dong
thus laying the groundwork for Mike Myers’s cinematic triumph, Goldmember
and also getting Isis pregnant with Horus
because I guess that dick necklace was more potent than she bargained for.
So ladies
I guess the moral of the story is
don’t wear a cock around your neck
because unplanned pregnancy is the WORST accessory.
THOTH IS JUST GIVING OUT SCORPIONS
So Osiris is back in action and his dick is more blinged out than ever
BUT ALL IS NOT WELL
because as soon as Osiris gets resurrected
ISIS GIVES BIRTH TO THIS DUDE NAMED HORUS.
Actually, that is not the bad part
because Horus is a pretty cool dude, honestly.
No, see, the bad part
is that seeing as Set was totally willing to EAT OSIRIS’S DICK
just to prevent him from getting a proper burial
all signs point toward he is going to murder the CRAP out of this baby
especially since Horus is totally fated to murder Set if he ever gets old enough.
So Isis is pretty careful about keeping her baby away from murder
but then one day, Set is like “HEY, ISIS COME INTO THIS SPINNING MILL.”
and Isis is like “SPINNING MILL, HOORAY.”
And then Set is like “Oh, did I say spinning mill?
I meant WRETCHED IMPRISONMENT FOREVER
I AM SORRY FOR THE CONFUSION
JUST KIDDING, TOTALLY NOT SORRY.”
So Isis is understandably upset about this
and so is this super-wise dude named Thoth
so he comes down and is like “Hey, Isis how would you like to escape this prison?”
And Isis is like “I would like that a lot.”
so Thoth is like “Boom. You got it.
Here, have some scorpions.”
And Isis is like “WHAT, WHY WOULD YOU GIVE ME SCORPIONS?”
And Thoth is like “Chill out. These scorpions will guide you to safety.
I’m the god of wisdom, okay? I’ve got this handled.”
so Isis takes Horus, and they follow these seven scorpions for like a WEEK.
No one has any ideas where they are going
probably because the guides in this scenario are SCORPIONS.
SCORPIONS ARE NOT THE ULTIMATE GUIDES, MY FRIENDS.
THEY ARE FANTASTIC AT STINGING THE CRAP OUT YOU
BUT I FEEL LIKE THEY ARE NOT KNOWN FOR THEIR SENSE OF DIRECTION.
But after a lot of bullshit, Isis and the scorpions and Horus finally arrive in some town
and Isis goes and knocks on the door of some rich chick’s house
and the rich chick is like “Oh, why hello there HOLY SHIT SCORPIONS.
NO NO NO NO NO.”
But so no sooner has the rich chick slammed her door
than this poor chick is like “Hey there.
I see you have some scorpions.
I’m so poor that I have even pawned my fear of death.
Come crash at my hovel.”
But then PLOT TWIST
the scorpions all throw a fit about not being invited
into the other house
so they go inside and sting the crap out of the rich chick’s baby
and she hears the baby crying and she is like “What’s that noise?
I hope it’s not the sound of my baby getting stung by SCORPIONS.
OH SHIT SCORPIONS.”
And Isis hears all this commotion
and she is like “SCORPIONS YOU ARE THE SHITTIEST GUIDES.
NOW I HAVE TO SOLVE ALL THE PROBLEMS.”
So she runs up to where the baby is busy dying
and she is like “Hey, poison, get out of that baby.”
And the poison is like “Maaaan . . . fine.”
and then Isis leaves, like “ANOTHER DAY SAVED
THANKS TO ME AND NO THANKS TO THESE SCORPIONS.”
And then she ends up in the marsh she was supposed to check out
and she hides Horus in the mud, like “Okay, son
I am going to bury you in marsh filth now
among poisonous animals some of which I KNOW to be irritable scorpions
so just try not to move around too much. I’m gonna go get burgers.”
So Isis comes back later
and she is like “Hey, Horus would you like some burgers?
Hmm . . . you don’t seem to be moving at all or breathing or anything.
Oh noooo.
Set, did you turn into a snake and poison my baby?”
And Set is like “Yup.”
And Isis proceeds to scream the most heavy metal scream possible
it is so metal that it STOPS THE SUN
or more accurately, THE SUNBOAT.
And Ra is chilling in the boat with all of his hookers and stuff
and it stops all of a sudden
with one of those record scratch noises you hear in bad teen movies
and everyone is like “Whaaaat?
Thoth, go find out what Isis is angry about.”
so Thoth goes down there like “Woman, I hooked you up with scorpions and everything. What now?”
and Isis is like “Look, I know you are itching to get your bone on in the backseat of the sunboat
but could you do me a solid and just revive my son real quick?”
and Thoth is like “Oh yeah, no problem. Done.
By the way, how were those scorpions? Pretty sweet, right?”
and Isis is like “They were a pack of angry scorpions
that you gave to a single mother with a child.”
Anyway Horus is alive now
but he and Isis still have to hide out in the marshes
while his balls gather sufficient mass to allow him to murder Set.
So basically the moral of the story
is that scorpions are only good for one thing
and that one thing is rad tattoos.
HORUS JERKS OFF IN SET’S SALAD
So Horus grows up
and Isis is like “Hey, son, remember that asshole Set? The one who you are destined to ruin?”
and Horus is like “I mean you never stop talking about him
and also he turned into a snake and poisoned me to death when I was a baby.
That tends to make people pretty memorable when they do stuff like that.”
and Isis is like “Well, why haven’t you killed him yet?”
and Horus is like “JEEZ, MOM, FINE GET OFF MY BACK.
HEY, SET, I’M ’BOUT TO KILL YOU GET READY.”
So Set shows up like “OH NO, YOU DIDN’T.”
And Horus is like “HOLD STILL FOR A SECOND. LET ME STAB YOUR FACE.”
And Isis is like “OH SHIT, STOP. I JUST REMEMBERED THAT SET IS MY
BROTHER.”
and Horus tries to break her legs
but then she stabs him
and Set gets away
and Horus is like “Wow, Mom.
Seriously?”
But Isis heals him later so it’s fine.
Wait, what am I talking about
shit is so un-fine you could coat sandpaper with it and then use it to shave off a goat’s face.
Because now Set is thinking as HARD AS HE CAN about how to screw over Horus
and finally he’s like “I KNOW
I will use my SEMEN to solve this problem.
HEY, HORUS, WANNA HAVE SEX?
And Horus is like “Well, normally I would say no
but today I am an idiot, so okay.”
and they have a bunch of sweaty sex
but then right at the crucial moment
Horus uses his lightning reflexes to parry Set’s manbatter
because apparently it’s not gay if the jizz stays outside your butt.
So then he’s got a handful of manana cream pie
and he’s like “Eww, what am I going to do with this?
I KNOW, I’LL THROW IT IN A RIVER.”
and thus invents hand washing and pollution SIMULTANEOUSLY
so now HORUS is thinking about how to fuck over SET
and he’s like “Hmm . . .
Apparently the name of the game
is ‘get your semen inside of the other guy’s body.’
I don’t make the rules
I just make the jizz.
Let’s make this happen.”
So he sneaks into Set’s house and jerks off in his salad
and then Set eats the salad and Horus is like “HAHA YOU JUST ATE MY SPOOGE.”
Is it just me, or is spooge the single least attractive synonym for dickglue?
Anyway, Set is like “BULLSHIT.
LET’S GO BEFORE THE REST OF THE GODS
AND NEEDLESSLY AIR OUR DIRTY LAUNDRY
IN HOPES OF DETERMINING SUPERIORITY.”
So they call together the other gods
and Set is like “Guys
I totally jizzed in Horus’s butt.
That means I’m better than him, right?
and Horus is like “You didn’t jizz in my butt. What are you talking about?
Go ahead and call for your sperm.
See where they’re at.”
Yeah, apparently these dudes keep in touch with all their sperm.
Talk about being a devoted father.
Anyway, Set is like “FINE.
OHHH SPERRMMMM. WHERE AAARE YOUUUU?”
And the sperm is like “HERE WE ARE IN THE RIVER.”
and Set is like “Dammit, Horus
Did you block my cock?”
and Horus is like “That is in fact exactly what I did.
Now hold on lemme find out where my sperm is at real quick.”
And the sperm is like “HERE WE ARE IN SET’S STOMACH.”
And Set is like “NOOOO.”
And everyone else is like “Wow.
This is astonishingly stupid
how about we settle this pissing contest with a reasonable competition
like a boat race
except the boats are made of stone.
THAT’S PERFECT THAT’S NOT STUPID AT ALL.”
So Set and Horus get their boats ready
but Horus has a secret
which is that his boat is actually MADE OF WOOD
it’s just painted to look like stone
which raises a couple of questions:
First of all
why didn’t anyone check to see if Horus’s boat was actually made of stone?
And second of all
since they didn’t
WHY DID SET NOT DO THIS?
DOES HE NOT REALIZE THAT STONE IS THE WORST THING TO MAKE BOATS OUT OF?
I mean, maybe he thinks they are trying to race to the bottom of the lake
in which case I understand
&
nbsp; either that or he’s SCRUPULOUSLY HONEST
but we’re talking about the god of storms, chaos, and evil
who has been known to do things like eat the balls of his enemies
and then try to kill their babies
and then when their babies grow up
try to have buttsex with the very same babies
so I feel like honesty is not top of his priority list.
But anyway they have the race and Set’s boat sinks
and Horus wins
and as a result he gets to be king of Egypt
and Set has to be his bitch forever.
So the moral of the story
is next time you are jockeying for a sweet promotion
consider jizzing in your coworkers’ food
but make sure to also brush up on your boat-racing just in case.
MAYAN
I’ve never been freaked out by a calendar even a little
just getting a rise out of me with a calendar is a feat on its own
but the Mayans are the MVPs of making calendars, man.
You have to hand it to a culture that can make a calendar SO INTENSE
that it is still freaking people out CENTURIES LATER.
And they didn’t stop at just freaking people out.
No, see, these dudes wrote a whole fan fiction for their calendar.
It’s called the Popol Vuh
and it is basically just a super-complicated code version of the calendar itself
secretly translated by some Mayan dudes
around the time that the Spanish were killing everybody
and now
it is time to take that sacred and clandestine work of those brave souls
and mock the shit out of it.
THE MAYANS HAVE THE MOST BRUTAL CALENDAR
So there is this one Mayan dude, right?
he has like fifty goddamn names
Like Hurucan, and Gugumatz, and Heart-of-Sky
and I’m not even really sure if he is one Mayan dude
or like, a collection of Mayan dudes
because they keep acting like he is two people
but the two people never do anything independently
so they’re basically just one person
or some kind of hive mind.
Anyway, we’re going to call this thing Quetzalcoatl.
Quetzalcoatl is bored, because all there is anywhere
is just a whole bunch of water and some sky
and it’s not even interesting sky because there is no light
so Quetzalcoatl is like “Okay, boom.”
And there is some light