“I promise you, Joel. If I do one thing with my life, it will be to never be like her.”
“How’s the birthday boy?” Baz yells, as they walk into the suite.
We share a last smile before the band enter the room and I release his hand and wipe the sadness from my face.
Today is a good day, it’s a day for celebrations, smiles and laughter.
“I don’t see any presents,” Joel laughs.
“Joel!” I hiss.
“Ha! I love this kid,” Freddie laughs.
“Actually, we do have something for you,” River says, as the four of them stand in a line at the bottom of the bed.
Freddie and River pull up their sleeves and show Joel their wrists. Damon pulls up his t-shirt to show his ribs off and Baz turns around to show him his back.
It takes a moment to see what they’re showing him, but amongst their many tattoos, each of them have fresh ink of a guitar with Joel’s name signed across it.
“You…have…that’s…what?”
Joel’s stammering makes me smile and for once, happy tears escape.
“You’ll be with us forever, the fifth member of Four Fallen Souls,” River tells him and holds his fist out.
Joel bumps his fist to his and then in turn, everyone else.
He looks over to me and in that moment, I couldn’t be prouder of him. I have been focused on the band being a huge part of Joel’s life, I didn’t realise how Joel has affected them.
“This is going to be the best night of my life.”
Every night of this tour has been the best night of his life. Maggie is staying closer than usual and I want to ask her why. Can she see something I can’t? I keep my mouth closed though, I don’t want to hear her answer. He’s weak and a few times, he’s fallen asleep and then he’s awake and his smile is back.
He takes in as much as he can, and the band are so good with him. They’re quieter than usual and they keep looking at me and then away when I catch them. Damon stays the closest to Joel, they’ve become close and I wish he’d been in Joel’s life for longer than six weeks.
“Show time,” a guy says, popping his head in the room.
Usually the guys pump themselves up, jump and down, shout and holler, tonight, they stand around Joel and River helps him into his chair. Freddie hands him a pair of noise cancelling headphones and Baz hands him his phone so he can record the show for his page. Damon takes charge of pushing him out and stops beside me so I can walk with them.
Halfway to the stage, Damon leans down and whispers in Joel’s ear. I don’t hear what is said but it makes Joel happy.
When we get to the stage, Damon hangs back with us in the wings and Baz, Freddie and River walk on together, each accepting a mic on their way out.
They don’t go to their usual spots and stand together in the centre. River hypes up the crowd and Freddie and Baz send them crazy.
“This is our last show on this tour and it’s a very special one for us. Today we’re celebrating a remarkable birthday, and we want you to celebrate with us. Please welcome to the stage, Joel Butler and Damon Coleman.”
“Make sure you watch, Alice,” Joel says, before being wheeled across the stage.
The crowd are going crazy and Joel waves to them all.
Some guy runs onto the stage and hands Damon a mic and Joel holds his phone up to the crowd. There’s no way he’d miss filming this reaction.
“Who’s gonna wish Joel a happy birthday?” Damon yells.
The crowd begin singing Happy Birthday and I find myself singing along as a huge cake in the shape of a guitar is wheeled out and placed by Joel.
“Don’t forget to make a wish,” Damon winks and the rest of the band laugh.
Joel blows the candles out with three attempts and then the cake is disappearing off the other side of the stage.
A stool is brought on and Damon places it beside Joel. River, Freddie and Baz take to their places and the crowd quietens.
“Like Riv said, tonight is a special night for us and you lot get to hear a new song…” he pauses as the crowd screams.
“I had the honour of writing it with our very own, Joel Butler. It’s called Smile, Alice. We hope you like it.”
Damon looks over to me and my heart thumps away in anticipation.
The music starts slow and haunting. Damon’s voice rasps through the mic and hypnotises me.
It was you who stayed true when we had no clue,
you held my hand and told me to keep my head high,
told me you’d never leave, and we could reach the stars.
Evil came and killed our dreams,
nothing was at it seemed.
But, you, you were there to protect me from it all,
twisting yourself up, and putting yourself through hell.
I have no choice, and you do, so why do you let it consume you.
It’s taken your hope, worse of all, it’s ripped the smile from your face,
the one thing no one should be able to take from you.
The beat kicks in and Damon stands.
Don’t let it take you,
Don’t let the dark in, and make you sin.
Smile, Alice, and don’t let it win.
Smile for me, when I’m up in the sky.
Smile for you, when all seems lost,
let your heart defrost and smile…
My face is saturated by the end of the song and I don’t care who sees the tears. All the secret chats and trips to the studio makes sense now. Damon wheels Joel back to me as the crowd cheer for more and he quickly kisses my forehead before going back out onto the stage.
I bend down and hug Joel, “That was amazing, did you really help write it?”
“I wrote it all, Damon and the guys turned it into a song,” he beams proudly, “Did you hear them, Alice. They loved it, and it was all for you.”
“I heard. It was beautiful, Joel.”
“Now they’ll sing for you every time they sing my song. You won’t ever be alone now.”
“Thank you, now stop worrying about me and enjoy the show.”
I help him put the headphones on and stand up. He knows every second of this show and doesn’t need to hear it. It’s too much for him now. Being here is all he needs.
“I love you, Alice,” he calls out a little loudly.
He can’t hear me, so I sign it, first pointing to my eye, then my heart and then to him.
He reaches for my hand and we stay like that for most of the show. I don’t hear their songs, all I hear is Smile, Alice. If I ever needed thanks for looking after my little brother, that song would be more than enough. But I don’t need thanks and it’s going to be hard hearing it in the future knowing how the song came to be.
Damon announces the last song and I thank God, we get to leave soon. Today has been long and Joel’s not the only one who needs a good night’s sleep.
A minute into the song, life as I knew it will never be the same. Everything stops. Joel’s hand falls from mine and I freeze.
The last splinter breaks my heart and I feel the pieces fall to my feet.
Maggie rushes to Joel’s side.
River stands and drops his sticks, looking our way.
In turn, Baz and Freddie stop playing and Damon notices and stops singing. For one second, nothing happens.
Damon is the first to run off stage and is shortly followed by the others. I see him rapidly choose who to go to, me or Joel.
I want to scream for him to go to Joel, but nothing comes out.
I don’t have to look to know he’s gone.
I can feel it.
I can see them all moving around him in the peripheral of my vision and then Damon appears in my line of sight.
“Come on, Joel still needs you.”
How can he know exactly the right words to say? I will be there for Joel in every way I can be, always.
People move as we make our way back to their dressing room and Damon moves his arm from my shoulders t
o help River move Joel from the chair onto the couch and they move out of the way and look at me.
Six small steps are all it takes before I’m dropping to my knees beside him and taking hold of his hand.
He wanted me to be ready for this, he needed me not to break and disappear into myself, but it’s all easier said than done.
His sweet face, still and peaceful. Not a crease in sight from pain or feeling sick.
The chain his hero gave him with a piece of our father around his neck glistens under the light, giving him strength on his next journey.
I will remember every detail of him.
He hasn’t changed much from a kid to now, just more defined and broader. I will remember every feature of his and savour them forever.
“So? Tonight was what you were fighting for. I have to admit, it was worth fighting for, sweet brother.”
Damon kneels beside me and covers Joel and I’s hand with his. I tear my eyes away from Joel and find heavy tears slipping down Damon’s cheeks.
“Heroes don’t cry,” I half smile.
“Don’t do that,” he chokes out.
“What?”
“Try to make me feel better because you see I’m hurting. You done that for him for so long, you don’t have to do it now, not for us. This is about you and him and I’m not a hero.”
“You were his, what you did for him tonight was beyond his wish. I will never forget what you’ve all done for him. You made all his dreams come true.”
“It was our pleasure,” River says, quietly.
I look around the room, no one is here apart from Joel, me and the band.
It fills me with hope that humanity isn’t lost in the world. These guys have been amazing and not once complained about having to hang out with the sick boy. They’re all heroes.
The door opens, and Slate comes in, he stays by the door and it’s the first time I haven’t seen him with his slimy smile.
“The coroners are here.”
My heart sinks, I don’t know how long we’ve been sitting here but it feels like no time at all.
“Where are they going to take him? I need to get him home,” I manage to say.
“Don’t worry about anything, I’ll sort it out.”
For the first time, I trust Slate. He opens the door wide and two coroners walk in with a stretcher.
I’m not ready to let him go. I hold onto his hand and pray he’s found our dad. It takes the sting out of the pain thinking they are together and he’s not alone drifting.
“I can’t say goodbye yet,” I sob.
“You don’t have to, but he can’t stay here. It’s not fair on him, or you.”
I press my lips one last time to his forehead and stroke his face. Damon helps me up and passes me to Baz. He wraps his arms around me and I sink into his embrace.
Damon and River step in front of the coroners and they transfer Joel from the couch to the stretcher and Freddie covers him with the blanket he’s been using for the last few days.
“Show them how rock and roll lives on,” Freddie says to him and squeezes his hand.
River’s next and he tells him, “Rest now, Joel, and beat the shit out of heaven’s drums.”
Baz lets go of me and stands awkwardly at Joel’s side and wipes his eyes before whispering something close to his ear.
River walks over to me and holds my cheek.
“A soul like Joel’s never dies, you’ll see it everywhere if you keep your eyes open.”
I nod, offering him a small smile and Damon steps beside me, winding his arm around my waist.
Six weeks ago, I would’ve pushed him away and spat a sarcastic remark at him. Tonight, I’m the numbest I’ve ever been, and I lean into him.
Chapter Fourteen
The bed is neatly made, and it already feels like he’s been gone for too long. Joel never made his bed, his sheets looked like he wrestled between them every night.
I sweep my hand over the bedding and it feels nothing like it should. There’s no laptop sitting on the spare pillow, the tray he kept his water on is gone. It’s reverted to a normal hotel room and it’s ready for the next guest.
Walking around the bed, I pick up his camcorder and pack it carefully in the case, next to his laptop and phone. I started packing in the night and now Joel’s things are ready to go, I ignore Damon and River on the couch and go to make a start packing my things.
“Has she said anything since last night?” I hear River ask Damon.
“Not a word.”
“Any sleep?”
“No, she sat on his bed and wouldn’t move until she started packing.”
It goes quiet and the silence is unbearable. My thoughts are screaming at me and I need something, anything, to drown them out.
It doesn’t take long to pack everything, and I take one last sweep around the room to make sure I haven’t missed anything before rolling my suitcase out in the living area.
Damon and River both stand and still say nothing. They probably don’t know what to say, but I do. Having a plan always makes me feel better.
“I need to go home, I have a lot to sort out and I can’t do it from here.”
I can’t crumble now, I have to keep it together in front of the world and as soon as I close my own door, that’s when I can let go.
“There’s no rush…”
“I’m not rushing. Joel is alone somewhere in a country he doesn’t know. He needs to be with our dad. Please, I can’t stay here.”
I was here for Joel, now he’s gone, I can go home.
“Okay, let me pack my shit and make some calls.”
What?
No.
Why would he come back to England with me?
“Joel isn’t here anymore, you don’t have to carry this on,” I say, holding my head high.
Every feature Damon has darkens, and a low growl comes from him. River looks between us and steps back.
“I’ll leave you two to talk.”
He can’t leave quick enough and I wish I was walking out the door with him.
“Do you honestly believe how I’ve come to feel for you has been a pretence for Joel’s benefit?” he asks.
“Honestly? I don’t know. I don’t know what to believe anymore. The last few weeks have spun my mind and I want to go home where I know who I am and where I can feel Joel around me.”
He walks over to me and holds my hands. He raises them to his chest and I can feel his heart beating under my palms.
“I’ll get you home but don’t ask me to put you on a plane without me.”
Pulling away from him, I take a step back and keep my head held high.
“I’m not asking you to do anything, I’m telling you I’m going home, and now Joel is gone, your job is done.”
A flash of anger bolts from him and he closes the gap between us again.
“Listen to me, Alice, and listen good,” he urges, “When I first met you, I thought I knew how this was going to play out. I was wrong, very fucking wrong. Because of Joel, I’ve got to know a beautiful woman whose love and strength knows no bounds. You were strong for him, let me be strong for you. Don’t push me away.”
“You don’t get it, I don’t need you to be strong for me, I’m more than capable of looking after myself,” I yell, so it gets through to him.
“Thank you for everything you did for my brother, but I won’t show you gratitude by fawning over you.”
“Wow, you’re hitting low again,” he sighs, “After what we’ve been through, this is the grief shutting me out…”
“I haven’t even begun to grieve yet, you will never understand what I’m feeling, and I can’t be around you when I know you want more from me. You and Joel kept telling me to think of myself and this is what I need, to be alone and at home.”
The words choke in my throat and the need to run is overwhelming.
“Fine, you go be alone, push away everyone that wants to help. But know this, it wasn’t always about Joel and this isn?
??t what Joel would’ve wanted for you…”
“Don’t you fucking dare throw that in my face. Deep down, all Joel wanted was to be alive and he’s not, don’t assume to know what my brother wanted just because you spent six weeks with him.”
The anger overrides the sane part of me. I turn my back on him and walk over to my cases. Picking up the holdall with Joel’s laptop, phone and camera, I sling it over my shoulder. Before I can work out how I’m going to get all the bags and cases down to reception the door slams, making me jump.
Damon is gone, and I swallow thickly. It’s easier this way. We were never going to live happily ever after. I got caught up in the whirlwind of rock stars and having everything at the tip of my fingers.
I pick up the phone to call down to reception when Harry knocks and enters the suite. He offers a small smile and heads straight for the luggage.
Out in the hall, he stacks the cases on the luggage trolley. He doesn’t say anything as we take the elevator down and he doesn’t say a word as he loads the luggage into the taxi.
It’s not until I climb into the back seat he passes me an envelope and closes the door for me.
The taxi pulls out into traffic and I slide my finger under the flap and look inside.
Cash. Hundred-dollar bills to precise. Counting through it all, it totals three thousand dollars and there’s a note inside.
‘This is for your flight, I know you don’t have enough to get your own. This isn’t our goodbye. Damon.’
I was so focused on getting home, I didn’t think how I was going to pay for it. We came here in a private jet, fully paid for by Damon.
I shove the cash and the note back inside the envelope and tuck it in my bag. I can’t afford to think about Damon or his generosity.
Joel is landing back in the UK tomorrow morning according the text waiting for me when I land and turn my phone on.
Damon promised me he would take care of him and he’s held his word at every turn. In hindsight, I should’ve stayed and let him fly back with me. I shut down and pushed him away and now I’m alone, as usual.
My finger hovers over his name on the phone, I should call him and thank him, tell him I’m sorry for leaving the way I did, but I don’t. I’m not fooling myself any further, Damon got caught up in the moment thinking he liked me because of Joel. I am a no one with nothing who lives on the other side of the world. I will never forget what he did for my brother, he went far and beyond for him, and he will always have a place in my heart. But that place isn’t enough to let him into my future. There isn’t a lot of room for anything anymore. Everything I’ve done, every day I’ve lived, it was all for Joel.