“He was imaginative and head-strong because you allowed him to grow knowing there was so much to see and learn. The bond you shared gave him the confidence and faith to know you’d do what he wanted. You gave him everything he needed, this is his way of returning the sentiment…”
“By asking me to scatter his ashes everywhere, I won’t be stuck at home, mourning,” she says for me.
I slowly nod and smile. I push play and she continues watching.
“So, with my song being sung and my ashes all around the world, I’ll live on the same as you, just in a different way. I want to thank you, Alice, for being my sister and my best friend. Remember three things. One, I love you. Two, never be like her, you’d be robbing every one of your kindness and the world needs more people like you. And three, smile every day. There is always a reason to smile, no matter what is thrown at you. I will rest peacefully on the other side if I know you’re living the life we always wanted, so put me on pause and go outside, breathe in the fresh air, soak in the sunshine, and don’t just look in from the outside anymore.”
I press pause for her and she sits frozen, staring at the screen.
“He’s unbelievably…mature for his age,” I say, struggling at one point to find the right word to describe him.
“He saw and felt too much for a child and he never forgot anything. He spent his last days thinking of me,” she smiles.
“Alice, most people aren’t that close to their siblings, the tragic circumstances that gave you this beautiful bond is how family should be. Why do you find it so hard to believe he wanted you safe and happy after he was gone?”
“Because I’m the one who looked out for him.”
“Relationships, whether family, friendship or love, is a two-way thing. Your problem is that you were so consumed making sure Joel was okay, it blinded you to him giving back.”
I take the laptop from her and turn it off, putting it back in the suitcase. My palms are clammy when I carefully lift the urn out of the case and I brace myself for another melt down.
Only, when she sees what I’m holding, she climbs out of bed and slips into the dress she was wearing yesterday. She isn’t naked like my mind sees, she sleeps in her underwear. It’s still good enough for me.
She walks over to me, throwing her hair up into a ponytail and takes Joel’s ashes.
“Whatever Joel wants, I will always do for him.”
With the urn under one arm, she takes my hand and leads the way through the nets and out onto the beach.
We walk down to the shore and let the water lap at our feet.
“I probably would’ve kept him with me forever, not wanting to let him go, but his idea is so beautiful, I can’t go against his wishes.”
She unscrews the lid and releases a short breath.
“You can do this,” I urge.
She closes her eyes and smiles, no doubt thinking of her brother and all the good times they shared and releases a handful of ashes around us.
“Always together, little brother.”
Moving behind her, I wrap my arms around her and rest my chin on her shoulder. She leans her head back and I’m assaulted with the scent of her coconut shampoo.
“This is strange.”
“What is?”
“I spent so long fighting his illness, my body is still on alert ready to help him, but my mind knows he’s not here.”
She turns in my arms, moving the urn to her side and I’m surprised to see her eyes are dry.
“When I first met you, I was jealous because you could give Joel things I never could, and you gave him a purpose. When I started to like you, I didn’t know if it was because I liked you or if I liked how you were with Joel. I know now though.”
“Tell me.”
“I like you, because you’re sweet and caring, you’re every bit the rock star laced with a heart of gold. Everything you’ve done wasn’t an act for a fan, it’s who you are and…I wouldn’t be falling in love with you if you weren’t a good man with good intentions and when you say such beautiful things to me, I believe you. You’re the happiness in my darkness.”
I wasn’t expecting to hear her offload so much but I’m fucking glad she has. To finally know what’s going on inside her head is amazing.
One young man brought me love over a simple smile. It’s fucking beautiful.
She loves how the warm, soft sand sinks between her toes, and I take the urn from her. It’s heavier than I thought it would be when it was first delivered, and she stretches her arm out. Winding my free arm around her, I keep her close on the way back to the villa. Although she has a long way to go before the healing process begins to bring her a level of peace, the first scattering has already lifted her spirit.
I hear the beat from the base pumping out of the villa the closer we get and find a shit load of people milling around by the pool.
“How? I mean, we weren’t gone that long,” Alice murmurs.
“Freddie,” I sigh.
That man could find people in an empty room, miles from civilisation and have no drink to offer, yet, throw an all-out party.
“We can go out if you want, we don’t have to stay,” I offer.
“I don’t mind, it might do me some good to drink so much I pass out.”
I don’t think I like the sound of her drinking so much, but I’ll be there to hold her hair back when she barfs, and I’ll be there when she feels like shit after.
Keeping my arm around her, I come to a stop, she needs to know what to really expect from one of Freddie’s parties before we walk through the gate.
“I’m not going to be able to shield you from everything once we’re inside,” I begin, and she jumps in.
“I don’t need shielding, Damon,” she sighs but with a smile on her face.
“Let me rephrase, and please don’t take offence by what I’m about to say. Joel isn’t here anymore, and this party will be like all the parties we’ve had before we met you and your brother, not like the watered-down parties you and Joel saw on tour. They were tame as fuck for him, this one won’t be.”
She laughs in my face and shakes her head.
“We don’t know everything about each other yet, so you don’t know that whatever is going on at that party is nothing I haven’t seen before, probably in smaller, poorer doses, but sex, drugs and drink is not new to me.”
Nodding, I say, “At least I warned you.”
Since we left England we’ve been secluded, away from people and the media. Holding Alice’s hand, numerous sets of eyes follow us as we approach the villa. I’ve been seen doing questionable acts with women many times but not holding hands. Hand-holding is intimate to me, it’s a show of unity within a couple.
Word of Alice and I will spread like wildfire and while I want the whole world to know she is mine, especially as she’s told me she loves me, I doubt she’s truly ready for the circus that will land around us.
“I’m going to go change, get us a drink and I’ll come find you.”
“I’ll come with you.”
A bead of sweat slips over her brow and before I can wipe it away, she wipes her face and laughs. The musical tones gain attention around us and all I want to do is keep her for myself. I feel selfish with her.
“Go and get us a drink,” she repeats, “I’m fine.”
She takes the urn from me and holds it to her chest and leans up on her tiptoes, pressing her lips to mine, I can feel her telling me she’s doing okay.
She steps away, and I watch her back as she disappears through the people heading for our room.
A shoulder bumps into me and before I can react, River is passing me a beer.
“So, you finally showed her his video, I saw you down by the water.”
“It was time,” I murmur, swigging from my beer, “It’s going to mess with her but it’s also going to help her.”
“Have you told her where you’re taking her next?”
“Nope.”
I have the next five m
onths planned out perfectly. Joel would be proud.
Chapter Twenty
Damon
The snow is fucking cold, and my ass is going numb from spending so much time falling down on the shit. The Swiss mountains are exceptionally beautiful, but learning to ski is no joke. Alice finds it hilarious every time I stack it. She’s a natural, or a quick learner, either way, she’s glad she’s better than me at something.
“Damon, how are you not getting the hang of this? It’s so simple,” she chuckles, looking down at me.
“Snow sucks,” I grunt.
“You suck.”
“Whatever, help me up.”
I hold my hand out for her to help me up. Her being the softie she is, once she’s done laughing at me, she clasps her hand to mine and before she can try to heave me up to my feet, I pull her down on top of me and chuckle into her mouth when I press my lips to hers to stop her shrieking.
We end up a tangled pile of skis and legs. My mission began to help find her smile, but it’s changed course and now it’s to hear her laugh every day. I don’t mind being the butt of the joke as long as it makes her laugh.
“Why don’t we head back, get changed and go for something to eat?”
Sucking at skiing is surprisingly hungry work.
“I could eat, or we could eat in tonight and…”
I claim her mouth once more and roll her over so I’m on top of her. We’re on a private slope so I’m not worried about being watched.
“And what, Miss Butler,” I ask.
“And, soak in a hot bath and have an early night,” she says, her cheeks flushing against her pale skin.
“That sounds better than my plan.”
“Maybe tomorrow you’ll be able to stay on your skis for longer than a minute,” she chuckles, as I roll back over and sit up. I unbuckle the fucking shitty skis from my boots and I feel free. Alice makes quick work of her skis and I climb to my feet and help her up. Collecting the skis, we trudge through the snow towards our cabin. The walk back and shedding our skiwear takes a lot of work and is enough to wear you out on its own, without sucking at skiing for four hours.
There are some leftovers from last night’s dinner and I warm it through while Alice disappears into the bathroom.
I open a bottle of red wine and collect two glasses from the cupboard, I take them through to the bedroom and find Alice already in a bathrobe.
“We need to soak our muscles before we eat, if I sit down, I don’t think I could get back up,” she says, midst yawn.
“Fine by me.”
I backtrack to the kitchen and switch off dinner. I return to the bedroom and I hear Alice moving around in the bathroom.
Pulling my hoodie over my head, I let it fall to the floor, and my tee quickly follows. Unbuckling my jeans, they too drop to the floor, I rip my socks off and they join the pile of clothes I’m about to leave in my wake and walk into the bathroom.
She’s lit the candles that were here when we arrived and they’re already relaxing me. I slip out of my boxers as Alice brushes her hair through and throws it all up on top of her head.
The water is just right as I slide in and I notice Alice watching me in the mirror.
“See something you like?” I smirk.
With her hair safely tied up, she turns around and unwraps the belt on her robe, it falls around her feet and she smirks right back at me.
“Do you see something you like?”
“Fuck yeah,” I puff.
I’m transfixed to her every movement as she walks across the room. It’s crazy how she doubts herself more than occasionally. She’s fucking perfection.
“My entire body aches,” she moans, sinking into the hot, soapy water.
With her sitting one end, and me the other end, I pull her legs each side of me and massage her calves one at a time.
“That feels so good,” she sighs.
The flames from the candles flicker a soft glow across her face. My mind spins, forming new lyrics. She’s becoming my muse, inspiring me to write after such a long time struggling to come up with anything.
“What do you want to do with your life?” I ask her.
“I have no idea.”
Sitting forward, my hands slide from her calves to massage her thighs.
“Do you still want to train to become an accountant?”
She scoops up a handful of bubbles and lightly blows them in my direction.
“I don’t know, becoming an accountant was an end goal so I could support Joel. It was a career that was dependable and safe.”
“Wasn’t there anything you wanted to be when you were younger?”
She shakes her head, “I wanted stable money and a house, I would’ve done anything to achieve that. Why are you asking?”
“This trip isn’t going to last forever as much as I want it to, and you’re the type who needs a plan of action to function sanely.”
“For the time being, I’m going with the flow. When this comes to an end, I’ll figure something out.”
The way she speaks turns my stomach. ‘When this comes to an end.’. With Alice, she can be straight forward, but occasionally, her insecurities can cause her to doubt everything and it would ruin me if she doubted our relationship.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
“I can see something is wrong,” she points out.
“Is a job or a career the only thing you’re unsure about?”
There, I’ve said it. I’m laying down my insecurities for her. Every day I spend with her, I fall like a ton of bricks for her, there isn’t one side of her that I don’t love. She tells me she loves me and normally I’d believe it. With Alice, I need more.
“Are you asking me if I’m using you for an around the world trip?” she laughs, then turns serious when she sees I’m not joking around.
She stills and her smile fades into a frown.
“Listen to me, if I didn’t want to be here with you, I wouldn’t be, and I certainly wouldn’t use you for a holiday. Do you think I told you I love you to see what I can get?”
“Hey, I didn’t mean to offend you, it’s just, it feels like you’re going to fall through my fingers and you’ll be gone.”
The water whooshes around us as she moves forward and slides her legs around my waist. Thank God for big ass tubs. She wraps her arms around my neck and I have to concentrate when her breasts graze against my chest.
“I haven’t been the most dependable person you’ve met, but I’m here and I don’t plan on going anywhere without you. I love you, and you mean everything to me. I feel like you’re going to slip through my fingers, it isn’t just you, but like everything else in my life, we’ll take this one day at a time.”
“I can deal with that.”
She drives a shiver down my spine every time she tells me she loves me, and I know it’s because she doesn’t throw her feelings around easily.
“Good, now kiss me.”
“With pleasure.”
We’re surrounded by shit loads of mountains and more snow. I love being here, but I can’t wait to leave. I don’t like being cold, and I fucking hate skiing. As beautiful as our surroundings are, it’s not worth the aches and pains. Hence, why today I booked a helicopter to take us to the top of the mountain to scatter some of Joel’s ashes.
A picnic of good food and fine wine has been laid out for us but none of it has been touched. Alice sits between my legs as we look out over the horizon, cradling Joel’s urn.
“He used to google skiing trips and we couldn’t believe how expensive they were, I was secretly glad we couldn’t afford the trip. Knowing Joel, if he were strong enough, he’d be out all day on the snow trying all sorts of moves. He’d leave me worrying constantly about him breaking bones.”
“He probably would have, but he would’ve loved every minute.”
“He certainly would have,” she sighs, twisting the lid off, “It isn’t getting any easier to let him go,” she admits.
br /> “Remember, he would hate being cooped up in that urn. Set him free, darling.”
I lean back and think twice about it, sitting forward, I wrap my arms around her waist so she can feel my support. The soft winds are coming in from the right, she scatters a handful of ashes to our left and for a brief moment, a dark cloud floats in the air before disappearing in the wind.
“Don’t forget, it’s never goodbye,” I whisper close to her ear.
“Never,” she vows.
Life comes and goes, but her memories of Joel will keep him alive forever.
Chapter Twenty-One
Damon
Thailand.
Australia.
Amsterdam.
Brazil.
Our travels have taken us far and wide and we’re not done.
“Will you please tell me where we’re going?”
“You’ll find out soon enough,” I say, refusing to give in to her.
She’s been trying to get the destination out of me for the last five hours and she has less then forty-five minutes to wait.
“You should know though, this is the last place on Joel’s list.”
“I gathered, what with his ashes dwindling.”
She snuggles against me and entwines her fingers with mine. Since she declared she was in love with me, she’s open to showing me her love and she takes my breath away. Gone is the woman who was weary and second guessing my every movement.
We hit turbulence and some things with her don’t change, she tenses like she did the first time on the flight to LA and her grip on my hand tightens.
“We’re safe, darling,” I chuckle.
“I’ll believe you when we’re firmly on the ground.”
It doesn’t last long and when we land, as ever, she’s all too happy to get off the plane. It’s early evening and the sun is beginning to set.
I arranged for a car to be waiting for us and I bundle her inside before she can work out where we are.
“We’ve landed and been on the road for nearly an hour, are you going to tell me where we are now?” she asks, losing her patience with me.
I can’t help but laugh. My Alice doesn’t do well with shit being kept from her and I love this reaction from her, she’s going to have to get used to this.