Freddie is still drinking, and I wonder how he’s still standing. River winks at me and goes back to his phone.
Lastly, I look at Baz and I can feel his sorrow. Before I felt embarrassed, but having him in my sights, I don’t want to run away. I untangle my hand from Damon’s and walk over to Baz.
He pulls himself up off the chair and embraces me. I hold him and hope he knows he’s not alone anymore.
“It’s okay to grieve, don’t fight it.”
I’ve spent the last six months with Damon and I suppose we’ve created a bubble around us. It’s still strange to me that I’m not the only one grieving for Joel. In a bizarre way, I’m happy about it, not that he’s been suffering, but that Joel had more than me.
No one should leave this world with only one person left behind.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers into my hair.
“Don’t be.”
I pull away from him and he quickly wipes his eyes before allowing me to see his face.
“I hope you can get used to me being around, apparently this one,” I say, sticking my thumb over at Damon, “won’t let me leave.”
A huge grin replaces his frown and the sound of his laughter is pure and childish again.
“I think I can deal,” he nods.
“I think we should all pack,” River says, standing up and shoves his phone in his jeans pocket.
“We’re still packed,” Damon says, “In fact, Alice’s cases are still in the car,” he grins.
“Where are we going?” I ask, making my way over to Damon.
“To make great music,” River boasts.
“Hold on, what are we going to do about Joel’s song?” Damon interrupts.
“If we don’t sign, he can’t release it,” Freddie shrugs, somewhat drunk off his arse.
He stumbles off his chair, mumbling something about going to pack and is the first one to leave the kitchen.
Each of these men became family to Joel, and in time, they will become mine. I never would’ve guessed this would become my life, the wife-to-be of a rock star, but I’m going to roll with the good times and brush off the bad. Nothing will ever be worse than losing Joel and now when I stare into the future, I know the hard times are far behind me. I started this journey knowing my soul couldn’t take another heartbreak, and I survived.
I’m starting to see the beauty in the world again. I fell in love with Damon during the worst time of my life, and he fell in love with me and showed me life is worth living for.
Epilogue
My cases are already in the car and I wait outside while the guys pack their stuff for this trip they want to take to work on a new album.
I would be lying if I said I’m not nervous about my future, not concerning Damon, I know where I stand with him, but I do need to decide what I’m going to do with myself. I’ve never been one to depend on others and I won’t depend financially on Damon just because I’m wearing his ring and taking his name.
My phone pings and I wonder why Damon’s texting me. He’s in the house. I open it up and find a video.
‘This is the last one.’
I press play and Joel fills the screen.
My heart still picks up pace and beats in a crazy rhythm when I see him, but it doesn’t hurt as much as it did before. He is no longer in pain or too tired from being sick constantly from the medication. He’s at peace now and I like to believe he’s with our dad.
“So, this is my last message. You should have been all around the world by now, and I hope you’ve enjoyed every second of it. Wherever you go I will be with you, always. I hope you’ve seen things that have blown your mind, things that you will never forget and things that make you see life never stops. I don’t know if you and Damon have become more than friends, but I hope you have. I didn’t want you to be alone, but if you’re with my hero then I know you’ll be more than okay. I hope he gives you everything and then you’ll know how I felt because of you. I love you, Alice and I only want the best for you. For the last time, this is Joel, over and out and on the other side.”
The video ends and my hands automatically go to wipe the tears away.
There are none, I’m so used to them, it’s almost strange I don’t find any. A hint of guilt attacks me but I push it away, it doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten about him, or I don’t miss him. It simply means, there are no tears.
There will always be a hole in my heart that nothing will ever be able to fill. It would be easy to sink into myself and shut the world out. If it weren’t for Damon and Joel pushing me to see more than grief, I could’ve turned out like her. As much as his absence still hits me hard, I carry on regardless. I won’t throw it in his face, he didn’t get to live for long so I’m going to make sure I do everything for him and for once, for myself too.
It smells like a tequila bottle has sat down beside me, but when I glance up, it’s Freddie.
“Are you ready to go?” I ask.
He nods and pulls out his pack of smokes. Lighting one up, he blows the smoke out away from me and then sets his hazel eyes on me.
“Are you ready to marry Damo?”
“I said yes, didn’t I,” I smile, sensing his tension.
“That doesn’t mean anything, you could’ve said that, so you didn’t hurt his feelings rejecting him face to face,” he snorts.
“What is your problem with Damon?”
I noticed the tension between them on our second day joining them on tour.
“He told me once love wasn’t achievable for men like us. I believed him, and I was alright with it, until you came along. The man himself fell in love.”
“Are you in love with someone, Freddie?”
“I’ve been in love for the last three years.”
“I don’t get it; do you feel betrayed by Damon or something?”
“In a way, I do. He made me believe that love was no good for us, that our lifestyles was above love.”
“Have I met this woman you love?”
“You’ve met her,” he sighs, taking a drag on his cigarette.
“Okay, have you not told Damon about her because he’s slept with her before?”
I’m trying to work him out, but it’s so confusing. It’s simple, if you love someone, be proud of it. Why hide it?
I only amuse him though, he barks out a laugh and flicks his cigarette across the drive.
“He’s slept with many women but never her.”
“Honestly, I don’t see why you would hide you’re in love.”
“It’s Jamiee, as in, Damon’s sister, Jamiee.”
Okay, so maybe I get it now.
“Is she still with that Deacon?”
The last I heard about her, she was adamant she wasn’t going to end her relationship with him. Damon hasn’t mentioned her over the months. I’m starting to think he’s kept a lot from me while he’s been changing my life. In some respects, he’s taken my role I had with Joel. He keeps the negative away, so I can smile and be happy.
“What do you plan on doing about it?”
“I’m going to get the girl, and fuck anyone who gets in my way.”
Ellie R. Hunter, Smile, Alice
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