I give up and tuck my head into his shoulder as he steps into a building. I don’t care where we are and I don’t lift my face from the warmth of his neck until he sets me down in his bathroom. The shower’s turned on and steam fills the air around us, taking more of the precious oxygen I need. My clothes are removed, one by one, and I know I should stop him. I know I should want privacy. I should be embarrassed, but I’m not. I’m numb. I’m broken. I’m…scared.
“Faye,” he says quietly, gently, his lips soft and moving so close to my face. “I’m putting you in the shower now,” he says, running his hands up and down my arms. He’s only in his boxers. He leaves me in my sports bra and boy shorts. He guides me under the hot spray, steps in, and stands in front of me. He reaches past me and pulls the soap down, squeezing it into his hands as the hot water collides against my back. And then his hands are in my hair, working soap through every strand. His fingers work against my scalp, and I find myself coming a little further and further out of the layers of shock I’ve lost myself in.
“Faye, Katie wasn’t bit,” he says, moving me back under the shower head. He tilts my chin up ever so slightly, and water falls through my hair, washing away the blood and the leaves. His hands are still in my hair, massaging the soap out. Small shivers of pleasure ripple somewhere deep inside me.
He pulls me back from the water and takes a lathered washcloth to my exposed skin; my arms first, and then my neck, and down my chest. I gasp as heat ignites all the way to my core. He runs the cloth over my stomach and then down each leg, taking his time. I look down at him, and he’s looking up at me, and there’s nothing but desire between us, nothing but need that has me trembling to touch him.
He moves me back under the water, but my hands find his chest and trace the curve of his muscles. They tense from my touch. I roam my hands down his chest and past his abs, but his hands clash with mine at his waist, stopping me. “Not like this,” he says, his eyes soft and his face taut with restrain. “I want you…but not like this.”
I feel like a bucket of cold water has been dumped on me. What am I doing? I brush past him and step out of the shower, not stopping when he calls my name. I find a towel on the rack and dry off as quickly as possible. He shuts the water off as I make my way into his room. I find a pair of his sweats on the floor and a t-shirt and throw them on. He pulls the bathroom door open just as I reach for the front door.
“Please don’t go,” he says. Pain bleeds from his words, but I don’t look at him. If I do, then I won’t be able to leave.
The door clicks behind me, echoing the sound of the door closing in my heart.
I STAY IN THE INFIRMARY for two days, waiting to see Katie. I think at some point, a nurse Witch came by and spelled my ankle to heal the rest of the way, but faces blended with voices, and actions meshed with my broken reality. I survive off of crackers and coffee, unable to hold anything else down. Jaxen stays by my side the entire time, and I can’t thank him enough, despite our last encounter alone. He tries to talk me into taking a sleeping potion that Cassie made for me, but I won’t agree. I want to be awake when Katie’s allowed to have visitors.
The two days pass in what feels like a coma, a nightmare I can’t escape, a shifted reality that in no way can be mine. But when my head finds Jaxen’s lap and his fingers find my hair, I know this is real. You can’t have a nightmare with light in it, and you can’t have a dream with dark in it. I think he speaks less than five words at a time to me the entire two days, like I’m a child, like I have a hard time understanding.
“Do you want more coffee?”
“I can’t be without you.”
“This floor is very uncomfortable.”
“She’s going to be okay.”
“This isn’t your fault, Faye.”
The words string together for me. Each time, all I can offer him is a nod. Even Jezi comes and sits with us, pushing away her hate just enough to tell me she’s sorry and she saw what I did and how it was noble.
What does noble mean? Dignified? Admirable? Honorable?
How can I be noble?
I don’t ask. I don’t care to know. All I want is for Katie to be okay and all that blood to be just a horrible nightmare.
At some point on the second day, my eyelids drift shut against my will and don’t open again until a strong hand shakes me back and forth. “Faye.” It’s Gavin’s voice. I open my eyes and immediately look for Jaxen. “He’s getting you breakfast,” he says. “Cassie sends her regards, and Jezi’s still a lunatic.”
I smile at that remark and sit up, pulling my knees into my chest. My back’s stiff and aching from the past two days I’ve spent on the floor. I stretch as best I can, and then stand, rubbing my eyes.
“You’re lucky to have evaded Clara. She’s been on everyone’s ass since the incident.”
Memories of that night crash over me like a meteor shower. I’m struck again and again by images better left forgotten. I look down at my hands and have to blink a thousand times before the blood disappears.
“Faye?” he asks, a hand gripping my shoulder.
I blink up at him, confused.
“Wow. You’re in some serious shell shock. Come on.” He guides me through the door and plants me on a chair next to the cabinets full of reagents and medicines. Beds cover every visible surface, all filled with a body of a novice or Watchman seeking repair. Moans and snores fill the air as Watchmen on nurse duty tend to each one.
Gavin fumbles through the cabinets, and then pulls out a mortar and pestle. “I’ve never been good at this, but I’ve seen Cassie do it enough, so I’m sure it’ll turn out okay. That counts for something, right?” He’s looking at me and he’s smiling, and I know I should smile too, but I just stare at him. I can’t seem to process reality and I don’t know why.
He pulls a couple jars down, and then scratches his chin in thought. Then he pulls one more jar down and tosses dried herbs and other things I’d rather not acknowledge into the bowl. He mashes them together and then pulls a Watchman Witch over to him. “Spell this for me,” he says, and then lifts his chin in my direction. The woman takes one look at me, and then does a small spell over the bowl. She pours the contents into a glass and mixes it with water.
“Not bad for a Hunter,” she says, eyeing Gavin up and down.
He smirks at her. “There’s a lot more where that came from.” She rolls her eyes and walks away, his eyes on her backside. When he’s done, he hands me the glass. “Drink.”
I take it from him and down it, holding back the need to gag. “That tastes like…” I stop, my mind spinning.
“It’s kicking in already. Damn, I’m good,” he says, crouching in front of me. “It’s to help calm your nerves. It’ll keep you under control for awhile. By the time it wears off, you should be back to your old ass-kicking self.”
“What…where’s Katie?”
“She’s still healing from her wounds. They’re going to let you see her, but only after you’re under control of yourself. They suspect that Darkyns let the Werewolf pack loose on the backside of the forest. They contained one and found that it was drawn to a scent. Yours.”
I’m glad for the potion in that moment. “That’s awesome,” I say sarcastically. “So all of this is on me?” I look around the room and then back to the floor. “How many are dead?”
“Five.”
“Todd and Jia?”
“Todd is one of the five, and Jia has been escorted to the Defect compound where she’ll receive therapy and life skill rehabilitation.” He sounds like a computer spitting out facts. There’s no emotion in his voice, no sorrow. He’s seen too much of this life, and it breaks my heart a little more.
My eyes blur again, and I shut them, releasing the sadness I feel. I stand up and nearly fall over, but he catches me.
“Go back to your room and sleep this off. Come back when you’re in the right frame of mind. You’re of no use to Katie until then. I’ll keep an eye on her.”
I nod
, giving in, and make my way back to my room. I don’t even check to see where Midnight is before my face hits my pillow. I don’t think he cares either way. I don’t thi…
I WAKE THE NEXT MORNING with a pounding headache. I feel like all I’ve been doing is sleeping, drowning in a sea of despair. A bottle of water, an apple, and a granola bar sit on my night stand with hand-written note.
Katie is the first image that pops into my mind, so I quickly shower and prepare myself to see her. I glance at the apple, and my stomach growls in response, but the growl doesn’t connect to my brain. Though my stomach wants food, I’m not hungry. I don’t have enough energy to eat it. I grab the granola bar and take a large bite, forcing it down, and then down half of the water, hoping that will be enough. My stomach feels better after the little bit settles, so I lock up and head back to the infirmary.
It doesn’t take me long until I’m standing outside of it, swallowing air as if it’s laced with courage.
The last time I saw her, there was so much blood, and nothing I could do to help. I had every intention of saving everyone, and managed to barely save my own ass. I’m a joke. Luke’s words race through my mind. “Freak.” He’s right. I am, and I haven’t even really used it to my advantage. Everything is falling apart around me. My parents, Katie, Gavin, it’s only a matter of time until worse happens, all because I’m something I can’t control.
“You going to stand out here all day?
I turn and find Mack puffing on a pipe. He’s back. Smoke rings around his words and out into the snowy air. I exhale loudly, forcefully, and then drop my head. “I don’t understand what’s happening. Why it’s happening.”
“Because you’re special, Faye. You have abilities that will change this Coven forever. To some, it’s scary, and to others, it’s exactly what they’ve been waiting for.” He comes to stand next to me, still puffing on his pipe. “There are many things in this world, many unexplained mysteries and wrong-doings that have yet to be discovered. Your presence here, it’s a sign to those of us who believe.”
“Believe in what?” I ask, looking up at him.
“Believe that you will bring a long awaited change to this Coven.” He spares me a weighted look, a look that speaks more than his words did, more than I can process in this moment.
“I have no idea how that’s going to happen, nor do I want it to,” I admit. “I just wanted to be a Watchman, and to follow in my parents’ footsteps, to have my parents returned. I never wanted anyone to get hurt or…or…or die because of me.” I have to swallow three times before the knot in my throat moves.
“Change is never easy to accept when you’re in the midst of it.” He takes another toke and blows the smoke out. “And those deaths are not your fault. I know what you did. I know you went back for them despite having the win in your grasp. It was a noble thing to do.”
“And yet it did nothing to save the five who died,” I say bitterly, thinking back to the time I wasted arguing with Luke.
“It did more than you realize, Faye. Those who know of your choice have been affected. The whole reason the decree was set in place was to bring Hunters and Witches together and to make us work together. Even after the affinity bond was set in place and this Academy took its first breath, we still battle with making the novices see this. Without each other, we would be nothing against the Underground. But you, you put others before yourself. You continue to.”
I bite the inside of my cheek, feeling gratitude and guilt blending together behind my eyes, pushing on my lids, seeking release. “I just wanted to do the right thing.” I tuck my hand in my pockets and kick at the hard-packed snow on the ground.
“We need more of that in this Coven. Hell, we need more of that leading this Coven.”
Something in his tone, in his words, the subtle implication, the secret message he’s trying to convey, it makes me look up at him. “Why the book? What is it you aren’t telling me? Is it the answer to getting to the Underground?”
He pulls the pipe out of his mouth and parts his lips. He stops and starts, looks out into the courtyard, up at the white sky, and then back down at me. “Faye, there’s…”
“There you are, Faye,” Clara says, poking her head out the front door. “Katie’s asking for you.”
I look back at Mack and offer a sad, small smile, and then turn and enter the infirmary. I’ll have to make time to speak with him again. I have to know what he knows, what he’s trying to tell me.
WHEN I ENTER THE ROOM, Chett is sitting by her side. Whatever injuries he sustained must have been minor. He stands up when he hears me, kisses her cheek, and then excuses himself out. I don’t look at him as he walks past me. I know if I do, I’ll hurt him. I’ll hurt him for not having her back. I’ll hurt him for still being allowed to be by her side.
“Hey,” I say to Katie as soon as my eyes find hers. She sits up, and I hold back a gasp. A pink scar drags across her face from her forehead to her chin. Her scarred eye barely opens, but from what I can see, the iris is all white.
I want to cry. I want to pick up everything near me and throw it. I want to scream into a pillow until I can’t breathe. I want to find the Werewolf responsible and do what he has done to her.
She reaches her hands out for me, pulling me to her bed, clearly reading my expression. I sit on the edge, and then she jerks me into a hug, tucking her head into my shoulder. Guilt has found its release out of my eyes, trailing a path down my cheeks. I stare out the window at the snow, and then blink away the red I see; the blood, her blood.
“I was so worried,” I say, squeezing her close to me. I’m not ready to look at her. I can’t.
“I’m okay. You came back for me. If you hadn’t…” she stops and inhales, her chest rising between us. I bite down hard on my cheek until the hurt outweighs the pain in my heart.
“Jaxen’s the reason you’re okay,” I admit. Even when I close my eyes, the images still haunt me and threaten to swallow me whole. “He should have been there for you, Kat. Where was Chett?”
She tenses a little. “We were separated after the second spell bomb went off. I heard him yelling for me, but when the Werewolves were unleashed, everything went crazy.”
“He should have known where you were. You’re telepathically linked.”
“I know,” she says softly, quietly. She lifts her head up, wraps her hand around my shoulders, and forces me to look at her. Her eye searches mine. I have to stare at the center of her nose. I can’t look at her, and it pisses me off. “Faye,” she says, her voice like shards of broken glass scraping against my heart, “Faye, look at me. No. Look at me.”
I do, and my lips tremble, and my heart lurches, and my eyes water.
“I’m okay,” she says. “So I lost sight in an eye. I’m alive. I’m alive because you came back for me. I’m alive because you’re a good person. I’m alive because you’re my sister.” She pulls me back into her, and the dam behind my eyes breaks. I didn’t think I could physically cry anymore, but I’m just so tired…so sad.
“I heard your team won,” she says, running her fingers through my hair. I stay on her shoulder until I’ve run out of tears.
“Yeah,” I say, my breath blowing against her neck and back at my face.
“And you gave that up? I must really mean something to you.” She’s trying to joke. I can hear the smile in her voice, the lightness in her tone.
I sit up, wearing every emotion on my face. “None of that means anything to me. You know that, right?” She nods. “You’re my family. Despite it all, you’re what matters. My parents…all of this, it’s just a means to an end. I’m going to save them, and when I do, I’m going to…” I lean in closer and lower my voice. “When I do, I’m going to disappear,” I say as low as possible. I look from left to right, ensuring no one heard.
She stiffens. “Faye, no. You know what abandonment means.”
Death.
“If I stay, it’s the same fate. I want to do this on my own terms. I don’t w
ant to be used. I don’t want to be a pawn,” I say, my voice rising with every statement. I stop when a few heads turn in my direction, and swallow for control.
She puts her hand on mine. “I understand,” she says sadly, “and I’ll support you with whatever you decide.”
“I want you to come with me.”
She stares at me for what feels like forever. I can hear the gears grinding in her head. I can see the justice scale in her mind tipping with every pro and con she adds to it. When her mouth finally moves, I let out a breath I didn’t realize I was holding. “Okay,” she says softly, her eye finding mine. “But after you take the oath and finish what you started.”
“And after my parents are rescued.”
She smiles. “After your parents are rescued.”
THE NEXT MORNING, AFTER JOGGING with Jaxen, Mack summons me to meet him in his office. I barely slept a wink the night before. Sleep seems to be a friend who I’ve disappointed and no longer wants to come around. Midnight is curled up on my mother’s Grimoire and refuses to get off. I don’t understand his fondness of it, and I’m too tired to fight him on it. The bags grow heavier under my eyes, and any attempt to make myself look halfway decent has flown out into the freezing early morning breeze.
When I make it outside of Mack’s office, Jaxen, Gavin, Cassie, and Jezi are there too, waiting in the clutches of suspense. They all look just as tired as I feel. Cassie’s head rests on Gavin’s lap on the bench along the wall, and Jezi lies across from them with an arm covering her eyes.
Jaxen waits right beside me as still as a statue. He refuses to leave my side.
I breathe again when the door finally opens and Nathaniel beckons us in.