“His life,” I said, and it gave me inexplicable gratification to see the hair on Christian’s arms stand on end. “Now give me the camera.” I took a step closer, and I could hear the tremor of his heart, wild and irregular. “You don’t want to be on my bad side.”
“Careful,” said Bernard. “Back off.”
I didn’t acknowledge him, only held out my hand to Christian, who stared at my fingers with a healthy respect.
“What if I don’t?” he asked.
“Do you want to find out?” I asked, switching over to Maris’s threatening tone. I drew my eyebrows together.
“Just give it to her,” Bernard said.
Christian dropped his phone into my palm, avoiding touching me. It took only a second for me to delete the photo and offer the phone back. When Christian tried to grab it, I snapped it away, then laughed like Maris, slowly sliding it into his front pants pocket.
He held himself rigid while I leaned in and, letting my lips graze his earlobe, whispered, “Smart boy.”
Bernard slapped Christian on the shoulder and pulled him toward the door by his elbow.
“Not a word to Mom and Dad,” Danny said.
“You’re on your own,” Bernard said. “We did our best.” He pushed Christian toward the stairs and slammed the door behind them, leaving me and Danny standing in the kitchen. It was eerily quiet. Even Adrian looked stunned.
After a second, Danny turned and stared at me incredulously. “You can be really scary, you know.”
I shrugged to play it off, but I was kind of proud of my performance. “You needed help, and now I need yours.”
“What kind of help?” he asked. “I’m forever in your debt.” He took a swig of Coke from his can.
“I think I need to break things off with Calder.”
Danny choked and blew pop out his nose. “Damn, that burns!” Adrian began to cry again, and Danny grabbed a towel to wipe Coke off the baby’s T-shirt.
“What’s with you mermaids? Why can’t you just be happy with the way things are?” He made a bottle with an already expert hand, then pushed it into Adrian’s mouth. The baby fell instantly quiet, except for sucking sounds. “Although,” Danny said, “I suppose Calder might understand it better than most, him being one of you and all.”
“I am happy with the way things are. I don’t want to do it. I have to do it.”
“Holy hell, Lily.” He rolled his eyes and turned to leave the kitchen.
“What?”
Danny stopped halfway across the floor. “Why would you want to ruin what you’ve got?”
“I don’t want to ruin anything.”
“Well”—he laughed once—“you’re gonna.”
I sighed and placed my hand over the pendant. “See this necklace?”
“All the time. Do you ever take it off?”
“It’s telling me that Calder needs to go and find his parents. I can’t go with him because there’s something I need to do here. He’ll never go without me if he thinks we’re still together. That’s why I need to break it off.”
Danny tested out my words in his own voice, articulating each word with a heavy dose of skepticism. “Your necklace is telling you that Calder needs to find his parents.”
I nodded.
“Have you been huffing paint?”
“Thanks a lot. I thought you’d at least listen to me. Calder won’t.”
I followed Danny into the living room. The couch was pulled out into a bed that was covered in green and yellow zebra-striped sheets. Balled-up used diapers overflowed the small garbage can in the corner.
Danny sat down on the lumpy mattress. “If Calder thinks the necklace is handing you a load of crap, don’t you think you should listen to him?”
I sat on the floor with the back of my fingers held under my nose. “Maris says he doesn’t want me to believe what the pendant is showing me.”
Danny nodded, and for a second I thought he was seeing things my way. “And, in the past, you’ve found Maris to be a reliable source?”
“No, but—”
“Lily, I think it’s nice and all—Calder finding his real parents—but I don’t think you need to break up for him to do that.”
“I’m all ears. Give me a plan B.” I pulled an afghan off the arm of the sofa bed and wrapped it around me. There must have been a draft, because a chill was running up and down my arms.
Danny laughed warmly, and his blue eyes sparkled against his tan skin. I was glad to see his mood change. He was really very cute. Sometimes I wondered what his life might have been like if he’d never met Pavati. I bet there were a lot of girls who wondered why he never noticed them.
“It’s not rocket science, Lily. Ever heard of the Internet?” he asked. “Why can’t Calder research birth records at your house?”
“Yeah, I thought of that, but at some point he’ll need to start knocking on doors. We think they’re in Canada. He’s already said that he’d never go there without me.” I chewed on my lip, thinking. “Maybe we don’t have to break up. Technically. We could take a break for a—”
Danny tipped his head to the side and gave me a patronizing look. His dark hair hung across one eye. Clearly he thought I was being an idiot. I hoped he was wrong.
“And there’s more,” I said with a sigh.
“There better be.”
“Maris and Pavati are fighting, and they each want me and my dad to join them. On a more … permanent basis.”
“And …,” Danny prodded, his voice brightening at the sound of Pavati’s name.
“Calder would rather poke needles in his eyes.”
“I see. And you?”
I pulled my knees up to my chin and hugged my legs. “I would never join them without Calder, but my dad’s considering it. I want to stay close to that situation. It would hurt Calder too much if my dad accepted their offer.”
“Lily, you are the craziest girl I’ve ever met. You’re telling me you won’t do anything without Calder, but you’re going to break up and send him away? Do you hear yourself? How does that make any sense? What are you going to do, just sit in your room until your love-ah gets back?”
I blushed. “Looks like it’s working for you.”
“Hurtful.”
I got up, dropped the afghan on the floor, and walked to a bookcase where Danny displayed all his baseball memorabilia. Despite my quick comeback, his question had unsettled me, and I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that. He had a point. I didn’t know how long it would take Calder to find his parents. And once he had, I wasn’t one hundred percent certain that he’d come back. I knew how desperately he wanted a family—maybe even more than he knew himself. I saw how seamlessly he’d made himself a part of mine. The real thing would be irresistible.
For a second I thought maybe I would go with him, but I quickly dismissed the idea. I didn’t trust my dad to know how to stand up to Pavati’s and Maris’s ploys, and then—in a year—there’d be the matter of Adrian. And what would become of Danny after that? I was more needed here than Calder would need me in Canada. And he would come back for me like he had once before. Wouldn’t he?
Adrian made soft snuffling sounds as he drained the last drops from the bottle. Danny pulled the bottle from his lips and tossed it on the bed.
“Do what you have to do, Lily, but be ready for the consequences.”
I turned to face him. “Good ones, I hope.”
Danny raised Adrian to his shoulder and gently thumped him on the back. “Maybe.”
13
CALDER
Two days passed since Jason suggested Carolyn be changed and during that time, I couldn’t help but feel that something was seriously wrong between me and Lily. She avoided my eyes. She left the room if I entered it. When I caught up with her unexpectedly and tried to give her a hug, she only smiled wanly and pulled away, making some excuse.
Worst of all, when I asked what was bothering her, she’d just say, “Nothing. Maybe I’m not the only one with a
n overactive imagination.” I wished I’d never mocked her for thinking Nadia was communicating with her. She was more offended than I’d realized.
I wanted to make things right between us. I wanted to tell her that I was sorry. If that meant letting her wear that blasted pendant every day and night, if that meant listening with rapt attention as she recounted all her Nadia dreams, so be it. Hell, I’d even take notes.
But really, more than anything, I wanted to tell her that I loved her, that I wanted us to be together forever, and that nothing should come between us. I wanted to prove that to her. I wanted her to understand.
So the next day, after putting the groceries away for Mrs. H, I pulled Lily aside and—against her protests—snuck her out the front door.
I’d spent all morning planning a romantic getaway in the woods. It was a scene right out of a John Hughes movie. I hoped she’d like the copper promise ring I’d made and hidden in a small velvet box. It felt ridiculously obvious in the pocket of my cargo shorts, but so far she hadn’t noticed.
“Where are we going?” she asked as I pulled her toward the path that cut through the woods.
“You’ll see.”
She held her hand to her head so her floppy hat wouldn’t fall off. “Stop, I can’t run in sandals. Slow down or let me get different shoes.”
“You’re not going to need shoes,” I said. “We’re not going very far. Are you okay? You still look a little pale.”
“The joys of being a redhead.”
“I don’t mean normal pale. I mean, you look kinda …”
“Don’t say ‘sick.’ ”
“Okay, you’re not sick, but are you sure you’re warm enough? We could go back and get you a sweatshirt.”
She put on the brakes and pulled on my arm. “Tell me where we’re going.”
“We’re already here,” I said, leading her into a clearing, then pulling her into my arms and off her feet. Her hat fell off and her long, thick curls tumbled down her back. I inhaled the orange-blossom scent of her, burying my nose in her hair. This was perfect. Life was perfect.
My anxiety over the past few days evaporated, and I saw our lives with pristine clarity. I’d picked the perfect spot. The trees towered in a canopy above us. The ground was carpeted in moss and tiny white flowers—honeysuckle sweet. The early-evening sun streamed down through the pines, casting pollen-laden stripes across the private clearing and the patchwork quilt I’d laid out a few hours earlier.
“What’s this?” Lily asked nervously. She looked down at the quilt and bit her lip.
Oh! Oh. I hoped I hadn’t given her the wrong idea. The curve of her shoulders emitted a purple glow that burned up her neck and colored her lips. If she thought that I meant to suggest anything inappropriate … “What are you thinking?” I asked. “You’re turning purple.”
“I guess I am a little chilly after all,” she said.
I took off my sweatshirt and gestured at her with my chin. She lifted her arms, and I gently, slowly drew the sweatshirt over her arms and head.
“Calder,” she said.
It was now or never. Well, realistically it was now or later, but I couldn’t wait for later. I took her hands in mine and prepared to give her the ring. The potential for rejection was the only thing holding me back. Maybe Jason was right. Maybe this wasn’t something to surprise her with.
“You’re not purple because you’re cold,” I said. “Purple is planning. I don’t know what you’re up to, but two can play at that game.”
“Great,” she said, drawing the word out. “Do I want to know what you’ve been planning?”
I pulled the ring box out of my pocket. Her eyebrows shot up. “Our future. I want to ask you …”
14
LILY
Oh my gosh. Oh, this is so not happening. Why did he have to make this harder than it already was?
I put my finger to Calder’s lips, feeling the pulse in my fingertip beat against them. If I was going to send him away, we couldn’t talk about a future. Not yet. Not now.
But knowing what I was about to do fed my desperation to keep him close. I could hear the ticking of my heart’s clock, counting out each second before I said the words I had to say.
I was doing the right thing, but it was a leap of faith. No matter what Calder thought he felt for me, how easy would it be for him to find that same happiness with someone else? Someone less pushy, less compulsive, less prone to visions of dead matriarchs?
Purple may be planning, but he didn’t know what I was planning to say. He couldn’t see the words that pushed against the back of my teeth. But he could see the anxious light fizzling around the corners of my mouth, radiating in my eyes. And I knew he wondered.
I also knew that I wanted something from him before I told him goodbye. He stood before me, dark swirls of hair falling into his green eyes, the sunlight glistening on his tanned face. I pulled his T-shirt up and off, taking in every line, scar, muscle, vein. I tried to memorize every inch of him as if he were a map and I was learning my way home, as if it were my last chance because I knew in my heart it might be just that.
“Um, Lily?” he asked, eyebrows raised.
Slowly, I sat down on the blanket and pulled him over me.
“Lily,” he said. “Hold up.”
I put my hand behind his neck and pulled his face to mine, kissing him once.
He put the box back in his pocket and laughed, saying, “Slow down. Can we talk?”
My fingers clenched at his hair. “We don’t have a lot of time,” I said. I hoped he didn’t hear my voice shaking.
“Time for what?”
Stomach muscles tight, I rose off the ground to meet him. I knew I was confusing him, but he kissed me back anyway. His lips burned against mine. I moved my hands to his chest, and he took them in his own.
He leaned into me, kissing my forehead, then my cheek. I kissed his mouth, lips smooth, parting, slipping his tongue past my teeth. I wished for his fingers to explore my body, but he held my hands fast, now arms stretched wide, securing me to the blanket like a butterfly pinned to corkboard. Lepidoptera, I thought.
CALDER
I let go of Lily’s hands and they were quick to find the small of my back. She pressed me into herself. The ferocity of it made it feel more like an attack than an embrace, but I rocked my hips against hers, watching the silver light in her eyes, the rose-colored glimmer at the corners of her mouth and the tips of her shoulders. I waited for her aura to tell me what she wouldn’t say: to stop. Or to keep going. Or to explain what the heck was going on, because this was nothing like what I had been expecting. After barely a word from Lily in two days, this person was a stranger. A beautiful, exciting stranger.
She rolled me off her, following the rotation with her own body until she was on top. She hitched her skirt above her thighs. Her long hair tumbled onto my face. I held it back and kissed her throat, the hollow of her collarbone.…
My stomach muscles relaxed, then tensed with each breath, as she sank lower onto me, bending her body to meet the contours of mine.
“You’re sure?” I asked.
“I’ll tell you tomorrow,” she said, her voice barely above a whisper.
I pulled away, ever so slightly. “Whoa. Wait. This was not my idea. We don’t have to do this.”
She shook her head and her long hair tickled my face. “That’s not what I meant. I only meant that I wish I knew what I was doing.”
“Well, I’d be very surprised if you did.”
“I’m glad one of us does,” she said, blood flooding into her cheeks.
“Actually,” I said, “you’re scaring me to death.”
Slowly—so slowly I almost didn’t notice—she slipped the metal button on my cargo shorts from its buttonhole. I held still, hoping she wouldn’t, hoping she would. I was caught in a net, seeing the way out but not smart enough to take it.
“Lily, I love you. Please know I’ve never said that to anyone else, and that will never change.??
?
She paused. A pale vibration of relief shone from her skin. “Good to know,” she said, shutting off my protests with a kiss.
LILY
I took Calder’s hands and moved them higher up my rib cage, all the while muzzling my inner chaperone. Oh my God, you’re about to have sex. This went against everything I believed in and all the advice I’d ever given my best friend, Jules. Why was I doing this? Maybe I wanted to give Calder a reason to come back. Maybe it was because, in my heart, I knew he wouldn’t. Maybe it was because this would be my only chance to love him like this.
I silently counted to ten, the very core of me molten. Calder slipped my T-shirt over my head, breath catching in his throat.
CALDER
I’ll count to ten, I thought. If she hasn’t stopped me by then … But at seven Lily flash-burned with a pink fire I’d never seen before. I let out a low groan and gripped her waist, opening my mouth to hers.
And then her colors flashed to fear.
15
LILY
Calder jerked away from me, his breath running ragged, and my heart pounding against my sternum.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“Not now,” he replied. He grabbed my T-shirt out of the yellow bush and handed it back to me inside out.
“But—”
“Not until you’re ready. Really ready.”
My face burned with embarrassment as I clutched my T-shirt to my chest. “Seriously?”
“Get dressed,” he said, not looking at me.
“But—”
Calder frowned at the ground, stifling my argument. I flushed scarlet as I awkwardly pulled myself together. I was such a colossal idiot. I wanted to crawl under a rock and die.
Calder sat silently by my side, not watching me dress, picking at the blades of grass that grew at the edge of the blanket. He rolled and spun them between his fingers creating the tiny sound of displaced air, but it wasn’t enough to fill the silence between us.
I tried to stand up, but he said, “Don’t leave. Just sit here with me.”