“Human flesh will make you a slave to it. Once you’ve tried it you will have only eyes for that, constantly searching for where you could get it next. It will make you kill just to eat, to satisfy the desire. The desire will only grow stronger, the more you eat human flesh or drink human blood the worse the craving for it gets. In the end you will lose your mind. The desire will drive you insane.”
I sighed deeply in shame hoping the Queen would not read my mind and know this about me. Was I already an addict? Would my wolf begin to crave the human flesh anytime soon? Was I already among the evil wolves out there? Was that why I had felt it so alluring to drink from those soldiers and eat their flesh?
“Thank you for telling me this,” I said and took the Queen’s hand. I kissed it on top. “I shall not let you down. I will find the princess and bring her back.”
“I know you will Sami. I trust you.”
Chapter 19
The Queen escorted me to the city walls then handed me a blanket.
“I have kept this,” she said. “It was the same blanket Elanorneth was wrapped in when she was handed to the human family. My servants brought it back for me to remember her by while we waited for her return. Now I’m giving it to you. It still has her human smell in it. Use your senses, your wolf-senses and smell it. It will lead you in the right direction.”
I took the blanket and put it in my sack. As we were about to say our goodbyes the Queen grabbed me and pulled me close to her. She hugged me for a long time. Her body felt weird, I thought. Like putting your hand in a strong wind, it was constantly moving, yet it stayed the same. The hug felt good and somehow encouraging.
“Farewell, Wolfboy,” she said.
I waved goodbye to the Wind-people and the Queen and let them put me into a wind-tunnel and send me back to the forest. The journey through the tunnel felt incredible. Now that I knew it was safe I was actually able to enjoy the ride. At the end of it I was shot out like a cannon-ball.
I landed on the soil of The Hoia-Baciu Forest. Immediately there were voices, lights and colors in the air surrounding me. They were circling me, whispering, giggling like little children. I greeted them and got up. Then I began walking through the forest feeling suddenly very safe and happy. This was truly a haunted forest, I thought. Haunted with the most wonderful creatures, enchanted even. Now I was now a part of it, part of this wonderful world that no one outside knew of. At least not many.
The small light ball from earlier was once again the only one brave enough to speak to me. She approached me and circled my head a couple of times before she stopped in front of my face.
“Well hi there,” I said. “Very nice to meet you again.”
The ball of light giggled. “Likewise,” she said.
I walked towards the entrance of the forest, where I remembered having entered. The light ball followed me.
“I have decided to let you know my name,” she said with a sweet shy voice. From the corner of my eyes I spotted several Shadow-men following me as well.
“Oh really? Well, I’m honored.”
“I thought you were safe since you went to be with the Queen and all.”
I chuckled. “I guess I am pretty safe,” I said shaking the shame off of me. Even if I had eaten from the human flesh I was determined to not let this control me. I was not going to turn evil or lose my mind - at least not without a fight. I was still in charge of this, my life, my wolf, and if I didn’t get to do anything else in this lifetime, then I was going to save Catalina and get her back as promised. That was my goal and more than ever I was determined to stick to it. Before it was too late, before I lost myself.
I spotted the last row of trees in front of me and braced myself for going back. The light ball swirled. Then she stopped as I came close to the trees.
“Don’t go through there,” she said.
I stopped and sighed. “I have to, little friend.”
“But it’s dangerous. I’ve heard that place is haunted. Evil dwells out there.”
I chuckled lightly. “So I have heard,” I said. I opened my hand and let the ball of light into it. I thought I spotted a small face inside of it. The eyes were nice and warm.
“You never did tell me your name,” I said.
“I’m not sure ...” she mumbled. “Not if you’re going to take it out there with you. Why do you need it? Why is it important to you?”
“Because it makes it easier for me to remember you.”
“Ah. Well okay then. My name is Hwinniel. It means twirling.”
“Of course it does. Well Hwinniel. Promise me you’ll take good care of the forest and all your friends while I’m gone?”
“If you promise to come back.”
“I promise.”
“Then so do I.”
I left Hwinniel behind the trees while I took in a deep breath and walked through the row of trees and back into my own world. The first thing that hit me was the icy wind on my face. I turned and looked back at the forest, part of me wishing I could just stay in there. It didn’t look like any other forest, I thought. From the outside it seemed dark and sinister. No one would ever know how much light and color was actually in there. Well, it was all good, I thought. This enchanted world of creatures would be best off remaining a secret to the outside world. Humans would only destroy it if they knew.
I turned and looked at the main road ahead of me. In the distance I spotted a car driving over the hill. I looked at the sky. It was almost sunrise. The car’s headlights were flickering in the dusk. Was that the same car that had been approaching just before I went into the forest? The car I was hiding from? Had time been standing still? I had been gone for at least a couple of days, I thought and began walking along the border of the forest hoping the trees and darkness would hide me. The car drove on and disappeared into the village. I thought for a second about Camelia and the man I had killed in the village. It felt like it was something that had happened a long time ago. Almost in another lifetime. I felt so different now, so changed. I took my sack and pulled out the white blanket that the Queen had given me. Then I put my nose in it and smelled it. Nothing. I couldn’t smell anything.
Use your senses, the Queen had said.
I thought about her words as I smelled it again. Still nothing. Embrace who you are, she had said. I thought about the wolf in me, the instincts. It was so much more than just a craving for meat, so much more than just a beast living inside of me. I pictured myself as the wolf, looking like Caspian in the painting then tried to force it to appear, force it to come. I closed my eyes and searched inside of myself, into the very depths of my soul. There it was, staring right back at me, its blue eyes shining in the darkness of my inner self. Then it growled and howled. As I opened my eyes and felt my face I realized it was back. The snout, the hairs, the ears.
But I still felt like myself, my human self. I had forced it, I thought. It was here - on my command. With my wolf snout I smelled the blanket again and closed my eyes.
That was when something truly amazing happened. I smelled something, something strong that almost pulled in me. It was her, it was Catalina. I saw pictures of her face in my mind, I saw her being pulled away by Officer Alexandru and then I saw beyond that. I saw things I had no way of knowing. Things, people, even smells coming from places I had never been. It was things, people Catalina had encountered or places she had been in her life as human.
I was somehow able to read her mind! Even if she wasn’t near me. It was incredible, so strong, and so forceful I could hardly stop. I suddenly felt so close to her, like I had known her my entire life.
I opened my eyes and looked at the snow-covered fields in front of me. The sun had almost risen now. I stuck my snout into the air and picked something up. A scent. It was hers, it was Catalina’s. It came from the south.
While I felt how the wolf slowly disappeared again, I picked up my sack and put the blanket back. Then I started walking south still with the scent of Catalina in my nostrils.
PART TWO
CASPIAN - THE ANCIENT WOLF
Chapter 20
I walked most of the day. When I came close to the mountains I found a small valley to hide in at night when the change came and the wolf needed to hunt and eat. I gave in to the wolf’s desires and let it feast upon the deer and rabbits it found. I was happy to know that I hadn’t lost interest in the taste of animals and I felt no cravings for human flesh.
I tried to do what the Queen had told me and embraced my wolf fully, and soon I came to enjoy the hunt. I found a Chamois, a type of mountain goat-antelope and chased it till it could run no more. I jumped it from a huge rock and sunk my fangs into its fur and pierced the skin. The meat tasted incredible. Next I found a group of lynx who spread as soon as they saw me coming. I chased them down one by one. One of them ran in between a group of trees to my amusement. I jumped from treetop to treetop, from branch to branch and then finally attacked the animal from the air. I tasted the salty meat from my prey and feasted for hours on foxes, Roe deer and even a wild boar.
By sunrise I was so full I lay my head down and fell asleep in a cave as soon as I had turned back to my human form and gotten dressed.
I dreamt of Catalina. It soon became an uneasy sleep, almost like a nightmare. Pictures of her strained, in severe pain, starved and crying flickered before my eyes. I tried hard to get a clear picture of where she was and why she was in such distress, but all I could feel was her pain. Oh how I felt it deep inside of me. She was hurting badly and she was afraid. So very afraid. Where she was, I had no way of seeing. Through her eyes I could only see darkness. I sensed that she was trying to open her eyes but she couldn’t see anything. They had put something over her eyes so she couldn’t see. She felt afraid. She remembered her Uncle who taught her never to fear, that if you ever gave in to fear it would end up owning you, it would end up controlling you. It was very dangerous to be afraid of fear, the uncle had told her again and again during her childhood. Catalina now tried to control her shaking body and shutting her ears to the terrible sounds that reached her from other people in the same building where she was. She tried to visualize the happiest moments of her life and suddenly I somehow got a rare image of her childhood as a human. It had been happy, I could tell as many wonderful memories streamed through her head. I laughed in my sleep as I watched her dance and sing with her mother in their living room, or when I saw her sit on her grandfather’s lap while he told her stories about elves and goblins. Catalina was groping for means to find the strength for what she knew lay ahead. She kept telling herself that she only had to endure a few more hours maybe even days but then it would be all over, then she would be free, free to go and make new wonderful memories even if her family was gone.
The last thing I heard was a door open and voices yell at her to get up. When I opened my eyes I could still hear her scream. Then I screamed as well.
I gasped and sat up in my cave. Outside it was snowing again. I was panting, gasping for air. The feeling of her pain wouldn’t leave me alone, it lingered inside of me and I couldn’t get rid of it again. I wiped my cheek and realized I had been crying. I stared for a long time out at the snow while trying to shake my dream. I told myself it was nothing but a dream, even if I knew deep inside of me that it was so much more than that. I sighed and picked up my sack and my hat, then walked outside of the cave and stared into the sky. Huge snowflakes landed on my forehead and nose. I looked at the big mountains. I had to cross these to get to the other side. I had to stay away from main roads and the railroads where the soldiers were. The mountains could cover me, but the journey across them would be rough and dangerous. With the snow constantly falling it was going to be even more difficult than anticipated.
I began walking towards the mountains while still hearing Catalina’s screams in my head.
A few hours later I was approaching the foot of the first mountain when I heard a noise coming from behind me. I turned and stared back at the valley. The snow covered the ground heavily. Nothing moved, not even a branch in the trees. Still I felt like something was there, or someone. I felt I was being watched, like someone was looking at me. Just like I had felt in the barn on that night with Catalina, I thought. I felt a set of eyes staring at me from afar. But to whom or what did they belong? Was it just another animal trying to hide from the winter and the wolf? I searched the area with my enhanced eyesight, scanned the trees dressed beautifully in white snow, the small pond that was frozen solid, the rocks on the other side, far away. But nothing caught my attention. Not a movement, not an animal, not even a breeze in the air. I tried to use my senses and smelled the air, trying to see if I could grab a scent, smell if it was an animal or a human. A black crow in a treetop took off and scared me. I decided it was nothing and kept on walking.
The walk was steep and the snow heavy. After a few hours I had to take a break. It was my plan to walk as far as I could until sunset, then try and run to the top as the wolf later on. The wolf would of course also need to hunt and eat. I found a spot behind some rocks where I could shelter from the icy wind and I sat for a little while, catching my breath. As I closed my eyes I saw Catalina. I kept hearing her scream in my thoughts and I felt her anguish even stronger now. The thought of her in pain and distress made me determined and I was soon on my legs again walking through the heavy snow. I fought my way towards the top covering my face with my hands while walking in the strong wind. When it was almost time for sunset I found a small cave on the mountainside and hid there. I undressed myself and freezing to the bone I stared at the sun while it set in the horizon. It was almost covered in heavy grey clouds, but just before it went down I could spot its orange light between the clouds. Then it was gone. I was shivering, my body trembling as I waited for the change and studied my hands as the hairs grew out, then the claws, the snout, the fangs and the ears and soon I felt warm and comfortable on my four athletic legs. I sniffed in the air and found Catalina’s scent again, then grabbed my things in my mouth and sprang for the top. It was so much easier to run through the snow as the wolf. I hardly felt the wind anymore and the wet snowflakes landed in my fur, but never made me cold. Plus I could run so much faster and longer on my wolf-legs than as a human.
When I reached the top it was snowing so forcefully I could hardly see ahead of me. My blue eyes shone in the darkness and lightened up the way in the snow, but the visibility was terrible. I struggled to walk even a few feet and that was when the wolf began to growl. It was hungry and the instincts were beginning to take over. I felt an urgency, almost desperateness in me and I sensed it was about to take over, take control of me if I didn’t feed the beast. I howled in the night and walked growling and snarling while I sensed how I was losing control over myself. I could no longer deny the wolf its nature. It needed to hunt, it needed to feast, but there was absolutely nothing up there to chase. I stuck my snout in the snow and sniffed to see if I could find mice or rabbits or maybe a goat, but found nothing. There wasn’t even a tree nearby to climb and get a better view. I stared into the vast emptiness of the night from the mountaintop and saw nothing but darkness surrounding me. There was wind, snow and rocks but no food, not an animal in sight. Then I howled. The sound was reflected on the mountain walls nearby and came back to me like a slap in my face, reminding me of the complete solitude of this place.
I was alone and I was hungry.
All night I searched for something to eat as I slowly started descending on the other side of the mountainside, but I found nothing. I felt adrenalin in my body, a desperate form of instinct that drove me to run faster, searching, scanning the area for anything living I could devour. But still nothing. As the sun rose over the next mountaintop in the distance I felt how the wolf in me scream and demand food, but I had nothing to give it.
I woke up on the ground, naked, freezing almost halfway down the mountainside. I found my clothes next to me and got dressed. I felt dizzy as I stood on my legs, starved and exhausted. I had blacked out in the last couple o
f hours and realized that I had lost control over the wolf. It had stopped snowing and there were no sounds in the valley ahead of me. I was hoping to cross it during the daytime and then climb the mountain at night. The wolf did better with the steep mountainsides than I did as human.
But without food it was no good. I was no good. I would end up losing control again, I thought while I the wolf inside of me growled demandingly. Soon I became obsessed with finding food, my brain could only think of that and nothing else. I tried to shake it, since there was nothing I could give it, but had no luck. I tried to think about Catalina and let her be my source of power and that helped. The wolf went quiet for a few hours while I walked.
Still I couldn’t help escape the feeling that someone or something was following me, watching me from afar.
Chapter 21
I almost crossed the entire valley that day and luckily the snow took a break so I walked under clear skies and for once I saw the sun peek out. It felt good and uplifting, but didn’t last long. After a few hours more clouds appeared, but this time it didn’t snow. It made my journey easier and even if I was weary from the growing hunger I was filled with some sort of hope.
Yet it didn’t last long. As soon as the sun set and the wolf came out I still couldn’t find anything to eat. I searched the entire valley using my senses and instincts. I found rabbit-holes and tried to dig them out, but had no luck. I scanned the area desperately for anything moving but no deer, no goats, no wild boars, nothing. I grew anxious, panicked at the prospect of having to go through another night and day without food. I was afraid of what it would do to me, what it would mean to the wolf. Would I be able to control it? Or would the basic survival instincts of the animal simply take over the both of us?