He fought his arousal. He flipped through songs on his iPod, trying to force his mind to think of something else. He almost succeeded. But then, in the silent moment between songs, he heard the sound he'd both longed for and dreaded--a low moan from the room next door.
He had no way of knowing which man had made the sound, but the images immediately flared to life in his head: Levi on the bed with his head thrown back, his eyes closed, his cock lying erect against his flat stomach, and another man there, between his legs. Was he going to fuck Levi or straddle him and be fucked? He imagined Levi's long, tan fingers wrapped around the man's shaft. He imagined the strokes. He heard the moans and the panting breaths. He saw Levi's mocking eyes, and he heard Levi ask again, "Do you want to come?"
And suddenly there was no other man there. There was only Jaime and Levi. He imagined his hands on Levi's thighs, running up his hips, over his stomach. He thought of the way Levi smelled, like the ocean and sunlight. He imagined Levi's hand on his shaft, and the low moan he heard now was his own.
He gave up fighting it. He gave up pretending he didn't hear it or didn't care. He rolled onto his stomach, pulling his earbuds out as he did. It was faint, but he could hear them. Not constantly, but every once in a while, he caught a moan, a low laugh, or a thump as something hit the wall. What he couldn't hear, his imagination filled in.
He thrust himself against the bed as he imagined Levi underneath him. He imagined Levi's moans were for him. He imagined Levi moving down on him, his hands on Jaime's hips. He imagined pushing his erection deep into Levi's waiting mouth, and seeing his soft, full lips sliding down his shaft. He imagined letting himself go as he thrust harder, panting, reaching for something he couldn't quite see.
And then he heard a noise--a sound from next door--a wrenching cry of release and relief. It went from his ears straight to his groin, triggering the tightness deep in his balls, and he came hard, burying his face in his pillow to muffle his own cries, lest Levi hear him, too. He came like he hadn't come in a very long time, for once feeling more pleasure than guilt at his own orgasm, and he thrust against the bed one last time, sliding in the sticky warmth of his own seed against the fabric of his boxers. And God, it felt it good. It felt so goddamn good.
It wasn't that the guilt was gone. It was still there, in the back of his brain, trying to find some purchase to crawl into the light. But right now, it was kept at bay by the sheer pleasure of what he'd done. What he'd allowed himself to do.
He lay there in his own mess, smiling, no longer listening for anything next door. He felt tired and relaxed and sated and not a bit scared. For one of the first times in his life, he felt normal. Or close to it. He felt at peace.
Once he'd caught his breath, he squirmed out of his wet shorts, using the dry part to wipe himself off. He rolled away from the wet spot he'd made to the other side of the bed, and he fell sound asleep.
That night, the nightmares found him.
Chapter 15
The man Levi'd picked up at the bar was young and blond and a bit overconfident, but they'd had a good enough time. Levi never even asked his name. He'd fallen asleep next to Levi in bed, but when Levi woke the next morning, the blond was already gone. Levi was relieved. He hated making small talk with strangers over breakfast.
Jaime barely looked at him when he answered Levi's knock on his door. "You ready to go?"
"Sure," Jaime said, "but I'm hungry. Can we get breakfast first?"
"There's a restaurant a couple of blocks away."
They loaded their bags in the car and headed out, and still Jaime wouldn't look at him.
At first, Levi was annoyed. It wasn't enough for his family to treat him the way they did, now Jaime was going to pass judgment on him, too? Then he remembered his words from the night before. He remembered the cruel pleasure he'd taken in asking Jaime if he wanted to come.
"I'm sorry," he said, and Jaime turned to him in surprise.
"What for?"
"For what I said last night."
"It's no big deal."
"Then I'm sorry for whatever it is you're pissed at me for."
"I'm not pissed." Now that he could see Jaime's face, he realized Jaime didn't look mad at all. He looked exhausted. And, for some reason, a bit embarrassed. But not angry. "I didn't sleep well."
"Why not?"
In typical Jaime fashion, he avoided the question altogether and asked a new one. "Does this happen often?"
"What do you mean?"
"I get the impression you've stopped here before. Not just Jacksonville. I mean, at that motel."
"Fairly often on the way home, yeah. It's kind of a routine. My family pisses me off. I leave early. Can't drive straight through." And always feel the need to go out and blow off some steam afterward.
"What happened with your family?"
Levi sighed. "You really want to hear about it?"
"Only if you want to tell me."
"I will," Levi said as he pulled into the parking lot of the restaurant. "But not on an empty stomach." He told Jaime over scrambled eggs, bacon and pumpkin pancakes about the confab, Evergreen International, and the vote.
"They actually thought that was a compromise?" Jaime asked.
Levi was relieved to find Jaime at least felt as he did. "Apparently."
"And I assume you won't be looking up the nearest support group once we're back in Miami?"
"You assume right."
"Natural man, one. Righteous living, zero. Not that I blame you," he added. He looked at Levi appraisingly. "So Isaac, Jacob and Rachel believe everything your church tells them. And your parents, too, it seems. Ruth seems to half-ass it. Caleb doesn't seem to buy it at all. Am I right?"
"I'd say that's an accurate summary."
"So what about you? What do you believe?"
Levi groaned. "I don't know any more."
"That's a cop-out answer. Do you believe in God?"
"Absolutely."
"Are you Christian?"
"Define 'Christian.'"
"Are there different definitions?"
"Most people think Mormons aren't Christian, but Mormons say they are."
"Fair enough. Do you believe Jesus was the Son of God and he died on the cross for your sins?"
"My church believes that, yes."
Jaime smiled. "Nice try, but not what I asked."
Levi pushed his plate out of the way and leaned back in the booth. "I think Jesus probably existed, but I don't necessarily think he was divine. I'm not even sure he was one man. I think maybe he was a conglomerate of different men. Different stories all meshed together."
"The original urban legend?"
"Something like that, yeah."
"So what about Joseph Smith?"
"Do I believe he was a prophet? No, not really." He pointed a finger at Jaime. "But don't you dare tell my parents I said that."
"I won't." Jaime laughed. "So you think Joseph Smith was lying?"
"I don't know. I don't want to think he made it up, but I don't quite buy it either."
"It's one or the other, Levi."
"Is it?" Levi shrugged. "Maybe he ate some bad rye and had one hell of a dream."
"He was tripping his balls off and a religion was born?"
"I don't know!" Levi threw down his napkin in annoyance. "Are you finished? We should get going."
"I'm not finished, actually," Jaime said with obvious amusement. "So if you don't believe Joseph Smith was a prophet, then what about the rest of church doctrine?"
"Some of it, I get. Some of it makes sense. I may not follow it all, like the no drinking thing. But I get it. Even then, though, I don't believe it's the will of God. I think it's just common sense."
"And is their stance on same-sex attraction common sense, too?"
"Yes and no. Look, in 1969 the First Presidency issued a statement saying blacks weren't yet ready to receive the priesthood."
"So they couldn't be priests?"
"Mormons don't have priests.
"
"Then what does 'the priesthood' mean?"
Levi groaned. He hated trying to explain Mormon practices. "Basically, it's the power to act with divine authority."
"That sounds like a priest to me."
"I suppose so," Levi relented. "But in the Mormon Church, any worthy male can receive the priesthood."
"Ahh. Unless he's black."
"They can now. In 1978, God 'revealed' to President Kimball that blacks were ready to receive the priesthood. Now, did God really pick a specific day to make this revelation? Did the entire black race suddenly become worthy in His eyes? Or was it only that church leadership was finally in the hands of somebody who was a progressive thinker?"
"So you think it was more a matter of the church finally caving to political pressure?"
"Probably. Or maybe President Kimball knew enough black people to be able to overcome the prejudice of his predecessors. I don't know. I don't think any of them were lying. I don't think they were trying to make it a political issue. I think they probably prayed, and whatever felt right to them, they called it a revelation."
"So you're hoping the church will eventually have a revelation on this issue as well?"
"It'd be nice, but I'm sure not holding my breath."
Jaime pushed his plate away.
"Are you satisfied now?" Levi asked. "Can we go, oh, sadistic one?"
Jaime smiled at him, looking like a perfect Boy Scout once again. "We can go."
Levi offered to drive. It wasn't until they were in the car and back on the interstate that Levi thought again about the night before. "Jaime, listen. I really am sorry. I didn't have to be such an ass to you last night."
Jaime shrugged and, for some reason, he started to blush, turning away to look out the window. "I told you: it's no big deal."
"I think you're still mad."
"I'm really not."
"Then how come every time I bring it up, you turn beet-red and can't look me in the eyes?"
"Oh God." Jaime covered his face with his hand and scrunched down low in his seat. "Am I doing that?"
"Yes," Levi said, laughing. It wasn't often he saw Jaime become so flustered.
Jaime sighed and with his eyes still hidden behind his hand said, "I could hear you."
It took Levi a second to realize what Jaime meant, but when he did, he laughed. "Having sex, you mean?"
"Maybe next time, you should ask for rooms that aren't side by side."
Levi couldn't help but laugh again. Maybe he should have been embarrassed, but Jaime's discomfiture amused him. "I didn't realize we made so much noise."
"Apparently the walls are thin."
Levi thought about it--his time with the blond, what they'd done, the sounds they'd undoubtedly made--and Jaime on the other side of the wall, listening. He found the idea intriguing. Had Jaime liked it? Had he gotten off? It turned Levi on a bit just thinking about it, and his voice was a bit thicker than it should have been when he said, "You should've come over."
Jaime seemed to be over his embarrassment now. He rolled his eyes at Levi's suggestion. "I'm sure that would've been incredibly awkward."
"Maybe," Levi said, even as his mind continued to explore the possibilities. Maybe Jaime was right. Maybe it would have been awkward. Then again, maybe not. "Is that why you didn't sleep well?" he asked. "We weren't up that late."
"No," Jaime said, looking away. He reached into the center console and pulled out his iPod and earbuds. "It's not your fault I couldn't sleep."
"Are you an insomniac or something?"
Jaime put his earbuds in and leaned against the window. "Wake me up when you're tired of driving."
"How come you can force me to answer your questions, but I can't force you to answer mine?"
Jaime smiled, but didn't open his eyes. "You have a lot to learn about being evasive."
Chapter 16
The next few weeks were hard for Jaime. The night in Jacksonville had wakened the monsters in his mind. No matter what he did, the nightmares seemed to find him more often than not.
Night after night, he woke in a cold sweat, his heart pounding in his chest. The dreams started out erotic, only to turn terrible and frightening before he reached his climax. Sometimes the horror of it overrode the sexual component. But other times when he woke, his dick would be so hard it was almost painful. He'd feel like he was only one stroke away from the orgasm of his life. Then he'd remember his dream, and it would be all he could do to make it to his bathroom before losing what was left of his dinner.
He knew his nightmares were related to his growing attraction to Levi, but he had no idea what to do about it. The only logical answer was to stop seeing Levi, but Jaime knew that was the last thing in the world he wanted to do. He wasn't sure it would help anyway.
At two-thirty Wednesday morning, he woke from yet another disturbingly erotic dream. He couldn't stand to stay in his bed, replaying the terrifying visions in his head. He knew he wouldn't be able to fall back to sleep. He got out of bed, and Dolly followed him downstairs. She sat on the couch next to him with her head in his lap, and he petted her absentmindedly while watching bad late-night television. This had become routine. On good nights, he'd fall asleep on the couch around four or five, but not this time. He felt like he'd hardly slept in days, but he was still awake at six-thirty when Dolly started nuzzling him and whining to go out.
He took her for her morning walk and fed her before starting his own breakfast. He only had three clients scheduled for the day, with the third one being the very object of his turmoil--Levi.
He was exhausted. On top of that, every passing minute brought him a minute closer to seeing Levi. The thought filled him with something that was half excitement and half dread. He knew both feelings were completely ridiculous, but chastising himself changed nothing. He worked through his first two clients in a bit of a daze. He had an extra half-hour after his second appointment before Levi was scheduled to show up. He was supposed to use that time for lunch, but he found he couldn't eat anything. His stomach was full of butterflies.
Levi arrived for his massage, cheerful as always. Jaime could tell he'd been surfing. His hair was still damp, and Jaime swore the smell of the ocean and sunlight had followed Levi into the small, dark room. Jaime couldn't even manage to make eye contact with him as he told him to get undressed and lie down on the table, face up.
"I'm sorry I didn't shower first," Levi said, when Jaime came back in the room. "Seems rude not to, but you're only going to get me all greasy anyway."
"It's fine," Jaime said, trying not to think about pouring massage oil all over Levi's naked body. He straightened the sheet over Levi, pulling it up higher on him than he usually did on men, in an attempt to keep from being distracted by Levi's bare stomach and chest.
"Are you okay?" Levi asked him as he sat down on the little stool behind Levi's head. Levi was straining his neck backward, trying to meet his eyes.
"Of course," Jaime said. He pulled on Levi's head to stretch the neck muscles, then put his fingers up into Levi's sub occipitals. "Let's start with three deep breaths."
Jaime tried to concentrate on his job, but he had to admit he was losing his ability to be professional with Levi. He didn't just want to massage him. He wanted to look at him and he wanted to touch him. He found he spent too long on Levi's hands, simply because he knew how much Levi liked it.
He also knew he should spend more time on Levi's psoas and lumbar and less on his thigh. Yes, Levi had pain in his leg, but Jaime knew his psoas was the real problem, and the thigh just a symptom. Still, he loved how it felt to rub his leg. He liked that when he did it, he could see most of Levi's stomach. Of course, there was also the tantalizing bulge between Levi's legs, covered by the thin sheet. Levi no longer became aroused during his massages. On one hand, Jaime knew that was good. But sometimes, he couldn't help but wish his touch still turned Levi on. He wondered sometimes what would happen if he pushed the thin sheet out of the way.
"A
re you sure you're okay?" Levi asked, startling Jaime out of his thoughts.
"Yeah. Why?"
"You don't look so good. And you're a little spacey."
Jaime felt the heat of his blush. He hoped Levi couldn't guess what he'd been thinking. "I haven't been sleeping well."
"Why not?"
The answer to that question was more than he wanted Levi to know, so he changed the subject. "Do you feel like the therapy is helping?"
"I do, but..." Levi hesitated.
"But what?"
"But can you tell me how much longer this is going to take?"
"It's hard to say for sure. It took several years to get your body to this point of imbalance. You've made a lot of progress, but it's common to reach a bit of a plateau. It might feel like it's not getting any better, but the massage keeps it from reverting to how it was before."
"It keeps it from getting worse again?"
"Right. Think of it as maintenance."
"Well, the thing is, Jaime"--and Jaime was surprised to see that for once, it was Levi who was blushing--"I can't really afford maintenance. I could afford to come once a month, I think. Twice maybe. But this twice a week thing is going to break me."
Many clients had to quit treatment or come less often due to the cost, but never before had Jaime experienced such a sense of loss over one. Levi had become a bright spot in his life--a bright spot that sometimes blinded him and made everything a bit more complicated than he liked--but a bright spot nonetheless. He didn't want to let Levi drift away.
"Keep coming, Levi," he said. "You shouldn't quit now. I'll do the massages for free."
"You shouldn't have to do that."
"I want to." He didn't look at Levi's face. He was afraid Levi would look at him and see how desperate he was to keep him around. He didn't want Levi to think he was pathetic. Even if he was. Jaime went back to rubbing his arm, then moved to his hand.
"Not many people want to come to a male therapist," he said, and it was the truth. "Women are too self-conscious, I guess, and men get freaked out about having another man touch them this way. They worry they'll be turned on." He couldn't help but smile as he thought about it. "Not all of them, of course, but enough. The women don't mind if they know I'm gay, but it's not like I'm going to list my sexual orientation in my Yellow Pages ad."