Although her comment made me melt into goo inside, I knew Jake’s mischievous nana was waiting for a reaction. She instantly reminded me of Lukas. Now I knew where he got his cheeky devilishness from. Projecting nonchalance, I nodded and turned back to the room. “Her pie any good?”
Jake’s nana chuckled, her eyes bright on me. “Good answer.”
“If you’re done causing trouble, Charley and I are going to hang out upstairs.”
“You’re not watching the game?” I didn’t want to interrupt him when it was obvious that’s what he’d been doing before my arrival.
“Not my team.” He shook his head, gently pushing me out of the sitting room.
“Keep your door open!” Mrs. C. shouted after us.
I climbed their wide staircase, feeling my remaining energy begin to dissipate under the weight of my food intake. “Are you saying if it had been your team, you wouldn’t have left to have alone time with me?”
“That’s not what I’m saying. There is such a thing as a record button, you know.”
“You’re not like other boys,” I mumbled and then face-planted on his bed. “I ate too much,” I said, my mouth pressed against his pillow. It sounded more like, “M mm mm mmuh.”
I heard his deep chuckle behind me and then the bed depressed as he sat on it. “Let’s get your coat off before you pass out.”
Reluctantly, I sat up and let Jake unwind my scarf and slip off my coat. The whole time I stared at his mouth, my eyes lidded and heavy with food exhaustion. He brushed his mouth over mine and settled us back on the bed so I was lying on my side, my back to his chest, his legs intertwined with mine. Snuggling me closer, Jake wrapped his arm around my waist and clutched my hand. “I missed you today,” he whispered against my shoulder.
I smiled sleepily. “I love you.”
I was out before I even realized I’d said it out loud.
My eyes opened to the dark. Where was I? What had happened? I shot up into a sitting position, willing my eyes to adjust to the light, and then swallowed a shriek at the feel of a warm hand on my lower back.
“Baby, it’s me,” Jake whispered. “You fell asleep.”
It came to me that I was in Jake’s bedroom. I relaxed back against the pillow as his face formed in the dark from the crack of light streaming in from the window above his bed. He put his arm around me and drew me into him.
“What happened?” I whispered against his mouth.
“Mom called your mom to let your parents know you fell asleep here.”
“And they just let you stay with me?” I asked incredulously, keeping my voice low.
Jake laughed softly. “Yeah, right. I’m supposed to be on the couch. I came back up after everyone went to bed.”
I dropped my head, nuzzling my face against his throat. A few weeks ago, I’d gone on a shopping trip with Mom to Chicago and on impulse bought Jake cologne that made my mouth water. He’d worn it every day since and every day since, I found an excuse to bury my head against his neck and inhale him.
Jake held me tighter and I felt him grow hard against my upper thigh. My breath caught and I moved my leg over his hip. He rocked gently against me, shooting delicious tingles through me. I lifted my head and met his eyes two seconds before I kissed him. The kiss turned deep and hot fast, and Jake rolled me beneath him, my inner thighs clutching his hips as he tortured me by rubbing his denim-clad erection against the denim seam between my legs.
Breathing shallow, Jake broke the kiss and cradled my head in his hands as if I was a piece of something incredibly fragile. The light moved over his face and I caught my breath at the way he was looking at me. “What my mom said earlier … about me being head over heels for you …”
“Yes?”
“I love you too, Charley. I’ve been in love with you since our first date, and every day since I’ve fallen deeper and deeper for you.”
For a moment I was so busy floating on a cloud of pure euphoria that it took me a minute to realize he’d said “I love you too.” I gasped, remembering my mumble before I fell asleep. “I said it out loud, didn’t I?”
He nodded. “It would be nice if you said it again, though.”
Even though I was lying down, I felt a little dizzy with adrenaline as I gazed up into Jake’s soft, warm eyes. His confession that he loved me like I loved him made me feel right in a way I didn’t know how to describe. I was only sixteen, so I hadn’t been looking for it, but now that I had it, I realized it was something I guessed we all looked for our whole lives. We all are looking for a place in life, somewhere we fit. It’s not a place that changes who we are or what we do—perhaps it shapes us, makes us better, makes us more—but mostly it shelters us with a sense of peace, a sense that whatever we do, whoever we are, we’re not alone in it.
I was lucky enough to find that place when I was sixteen years old. It was carved deep in Jake. And that scared the hell out of me.
“I’m scared, Jake,” I whispered honestly. “We’re so young. There are a lot of years ahead of us to lose this.”
“Don’t think like that,” he replied, his tone hard and implacable. “We’re never going to lose this, Charley. I promise. Now tell me you love me.”
I sucked in a deep breath. “I love you, Jacob Caplin.”
He grinned and kissed me hard, his hand coasting down to the waistband of my jeans. “Can you be quiet?” he murmured against my lips.
I smiled at his cockiness. “I’m sure you’ll find a way to muffle my cries of ecstasy, Sex God.”
He laughed into my mouth and it felt beautiful. When he lifted his head, Jake looked happier than I’d ever seen him. “Don’t ever stop being a smart-ass. It’s one of my favorite things about you.”
“I’m not a smart-ass.” It was my immediate response to such claims. “But if I were, I’m glad you like that about me.”
“I love everything about you.”
“Even my freakishly long big toe?”
Jake shook against me, dropping his head to my shoulder. “Even that,” he whispered, laughter in his voice. “I’m trying to get lucky here.”
Since we hadn’t had sex yet, I found myself wondering if he meant going all the way, and as much as I was ready to go all the way with Jake, I didn’t want to go all the way with his parents in the next bedroom. “Lucky lucky? Or lucky-to-a-certain-point lucky?”
I felt his teeth on my earlobe and shivered. “Not sex. Just all the good stuff we’ve done before.”
At the mere suggestion, I felt my body grow ready for him. I felt another smart-ass comment take the stairs down from my brain toward my mouth, but I tripped it up before it could ruin the moment. Instead I turned my head to find Jake’s mouth. “I won’t ever stop loving you,” I promised him.
“Good,” Jake replied, and upon hearing how hoarse his voice was with emotion, I felt tears prick my eyes. “I won’t ever stop loving you. No matter what.”
Between the two of us, Claudia and I were racking up an insane amount of angst over boys. Boys! I wanted to be fifteen again when I didn’t give a crap about them.
The day after Halloween, I nursed a hangover and split my time among wallowing in confusion and self-pity, writing my paper, and attempting to get the truth out of Claudia.
After downing an aspirin and shoveling back the falafel wrap Claudia had gone bravely in search of, I broached the subject I should’ve broached pre-Halloween booty call.
“What is going on with you?” I asked, concerned, pulling my knees up to my chest and curling into one of the waiting room chairs in the kitchen. We were alone and the night before was fresh, albeit hazy, in my mind. It was as good a time as any to hash this out with her. “Something is bugging you.”
Claudia was lying on the hard linoleum floor, her dark hair spread out around her head, her hands flat on her stomach. Her golden complexion looked a little pale—I wasn’t the only one who had seriously overimbibed last night. She closed her eyes at my question. “It’s obvious there’s something b
etween me and Beck, right?”
I snorted. “Um, yes.”
“It’s obvious to everyone.” One eye opened as she peeked at me. “The sexual tension is killing me.” She closed it again. “But he wants the best of both worlds. He wants the closeness of a girlfriend without committing to it. And to get his rocks off, he sleeps with other girls he’s made no such promises to.”
Seeing the strain in her features, I asked softly, “Is he hurting you?”
“Is Jake hurting you?”
I took that as a yes. “Should we stop hanging out with them?” It occurred to me that I didn’t know what I wanted her answer to be.
“I wish I could say yes … but I don’t want to stop spending time with Beck.” Claudia sighed and pushed up into a sitting position, tugging her fingers through her hair. “Last night was stupid. I was attracted to Zach, I’m not saying I wasn’t, but it was stupid. I’m pissed off about Beck and I just went for it. You know what, though?” Her expression was a little sheepish as she confessed, “Beck walking in on it made it worthwhile. It made my point. He doesn’t want me, fine. But other guys do.”
“He definitely seemed annoyed.”
“And then he started making out with some random.”
I winced. “You saw that, huh?”
Claudia rolled her eyes. “He’s such a coward. And trying to get reactions out of each other, hurting each other? That’s not good. Definitely not good. I thought last night might have pushed us in a final direction, but he texted me this morning as if everything is fine.”
“Probably because he doesn’t want to stop hanging out with you, just like you don’t want to stop hanging out with him.”
“We’re a mess.”
“So …” I shrugged like it was no big deal. “Sleeping with strangers?”
She cut me a sullen look, as if I’d judged her. “I just wanted to try it.”
“Don’t get defensive. I’m not judging. I swear. It’s just not like you.”
“I know.”
“Well? What was it like?” I was genuinely curious.
Claud wrinkled her nose. “It was good, but not great. Kind of like eating vanilla ice cream when you really only ever eat chocolate.”
I wanted to say I understood that analogy but I didn’t.
“What about Jake? Anything of note happen last night?”
I grunted and proceeded to tell her about him leaving the party in a mood over my escapades.
Now it was Claudia’s turn to look concerned. “Spending time with each other is obviously confusing you. Maybe you should stay away from one another for a while. And don’t say I should take my own advice.” She groaned again and flopped back on the floor. “We suck at this right now.”
“I don’t think it’ll be a problem for me to stay away from Jake. Unlike you, I didn’t get a text this morning and I doubt I will. Ever.” It was hard keeping my tone light, casual, when the very thought of not speaking to Jake again felt like an impossible and painful prospect.
Just as it had felt almost four years ago.
After saying such to Claudia, I was taken aback to find Jake waiting at the gates to our courtyard a few days later. I was heading out for the gym on our usual day and Jake always met me there. But I hadn’t expected to see him after the Halloween party.
Trying to calm my heart, I slowed to a stop in front of him. He was leaning against the wall, his hands inside the pockets of the black, double-breasted wool coat he wore over his black jeans. A soft blue scarf was tied around his neck, bracing him against the Scottish Fall. Could it have killed him to not look good … just once?
I was wrapped up warm in my own coat and scarf but I was wearing my gym clothes underneath. Jake was here … but by his attire, I could assume he wasn’t coming to the gym with me. So why was he here?
Jake lifted his gaze from the ground and once again, my body reacted to the impact of his dark eyes. I shivered and crossed my arms over my chest in a protective gesture.
“I’m sorry about the other night,” he apologized softly.
“It’s okay.” I knew we were both wondering if I meant it.
The silence between us became too thick to bear and I made a little huffing noise before telling him dryly, “I didn’t sleep with him. And he wasn’t happy about it.” Why was I explaining myself? Was I really that afraid of him being mad at me? After what’d he’d done? It occurred to me I might need therapy.
As I pondered over whether it was a bad idea to get free therapy from Andie, since she was hardly impartial over the subject, a dangerous alertness leapt into Jake’s expression. “How not happy? Did he do something to you?” he pushed off the wall, bristling with aggression.
I hurried to assure him. “No, no. He was just a jerk. But an honest one.”
“Lowe didn’t say. He just said he walked you home.”
“Yeah.”
The silence returned.
Two girls walked past, their eyes glued to Jake. As they walked up the hill away from us, they started giggling and casting smiles at him over their shoulders.
Some things never changed.
“It took me off guard,” Jake suddenly said.
I turned back to him, frowning in confusion. “What?”
“Seeing you … with him. It took me off guard. I reacted badly. I’m sorry.”
Even more confused than I’d already been, I dragged a hand over my head and down through my ponytail, trying to think what the best answer was. Something not confusing. Something that reminded us where we were now. I didn’t do it gently. “It’s been a while, Jake. You must know that there have been other guys.” Guy singular, but he didn’t need to know that. I’d already explained myself when I didn’t need to, confusing the situation even more.
If I were anyone else, I would’ve missed that little flare of anger in the back of his eyes. He hid it well and he hid it quickly. “Of course. I’m just trying to wrap my head around all of this. Sometimes it feels like only yesterday we were lying in the back of my truck, you know.”
“Well, it wasn’t.”
Jake studied me a moment and I tried my best not to squirm. Finally, he nodded. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I just came here to see if I hadn’t fucked everything up again.”
I wanted to scream at him—demand to know why he’d fucked everything up in the first place, and then stuck the knife in deeper by bringing another girl to the place we’d planned to come together. Instead, I nodded tightly. “We’re good.”
He appeared to relax a little and he gave me a small smile. “We’ll go to the gym together next time, yeah?”
My answering smile was equally small. “Sure.”
“So your mom says Jacob Caplin’s there and that you’re spending time with him.”
Silently, I cursed my mother. I should’ve known she wouldn’t be able to keep this from Dad. Thankfully, Dad and I were talking on the phone and not on Skype so he couldn’t see my murderous expression. “Mmm-hmm.”
“Don’t ‘mmm-hmm’ me. Were you ever going to tell me?”
“There’s not much to tell, Dad.”
“That boy broke your heart. I don’t want him near enough to do it again.”
“That’s not going to happen.”
“I’m not convinced.”
“Dad, I don’t want to talk about this with you.”
Dad sighed, causing the line to crackle. “You were just a kid, Charlotte, and he changed you. One minute you were happier than I’d ever seen you, and the next you were closed off. I didn’t like having to watch that.”
I bowed my head, feeling at once loved and sorry that I’d done that to my family. “I’m not anymore,” I promised him softly.
“You sure about that, sweetheart? Because I don’t see any other boy hanging around. Let’s not even get started on Alex.”
“I don’t want to talk about Alex, either, Dad. There’s nothing to talk about.”
“Maybe you should come home.”
I laughed a
nd then immediately sighed. “I’m okay. I won’t do anything stupid. Lesson learned.”
“You know you can still trust people, Charley, without it turning into another lesson. I think Jake is just this reminder that you can’t depend on people, and I don’t want my daughter feeling that way.”
“I don’t feel that way about people … I feel that way about Jake. There’s a difference.”
“Then why are you hanging around the boy?”
“Because he’s friends with my friends,” I lied.
Before my dad could say anything else, I heard Mom calling him to get his breakfast. It was Saturday, early there, and Dad had called before he had to head to work. It would’ve been nice to talk to him about something other than Jake.
“Got to go, sweetheart. You take care, all right? We’ll speak soon. Love you.”
“Me too. Bye, Dad.”
I hung up and growled at my cell. I was going to kill my mother.
Hearing masculine laughter from the kitchen, I wondered if it was Beck and decided to go in and keep him and Claud company. The two of them were very busy pretending everything was cool between them. However, Claudia confided it helped when they weren’t alone.
And yet they still spent time alone together. That completely made sense. Not.
Strolling into the kitchen, I discovered it wasn’t just Beck and Claud in there. Lowe, Jake, Gemma, and Matt were sitting around chatting.
“Hey,” I greeted as I came to a stop near Jake. We’d been to the gym together since our little chat outside at the gates. We’d also grabbed coffee and taken a stroll through Regent Gardens and into Leith, wandering around the cold city and talking about everything. Everything except us. We’d distracted ourselves from that by joking around in tourist shops trying on tartan hats with ginger hair glued inside them, and drinking Starbucks while we nibbled on sugary Scottish tablet that made our teeth ache. I’d also attempted to take a photograph of Jake standing next to a bagpiper dressed in full tartan regalia. The piper— not the same guy every time— stood on the corner of Princes Street and Waverly Station. He wasn’t there every day but he was there a lot, and I got used to his pipes playing the soundtrack to my life in Scotland. Some people didn’t like the pipes, but for me they were like this sentient being that totally got me. As soon as I neared New Town it was like those pipes sensed me and whatever mood I was in its tune would change, as if it was saying, ‘Me too’. Some days it was lively, its high pitched song in harmony with me as it said, ‘I’m feeling good today too. The air is crisp, I’m in a land full of mystery, and I feel up for an adventure’. Other days, more often of late since Jake came so thoroughly back into my life, the pipe’s song swung from reflective to almost mournful. Sometimes I’d stand on the opposite side of the street, the pedestrians and traffic quieting to a hum beneath the pipe’s story. Like Scotland itself, the melancholy tune was quiet, dignified, braving life and keeping the secret of its pain buried. Its haunting wail never failed to cause the hair on the back of my neck to rise. Twice now Jake had come upon me just standing there listening to it. Twice now he’d just looked at me as if he knew exactly what I was thinking but was afraid to bring it up—an action (or inaction rather) that was becoming common between us.