Pause.
I didn’t know it was lads but I wasn’t having her telling me. Lads or lasses, he was a love.
Rene’s gone an’ all.
Violet looks towards the empty bed.
Went in the night. They thought I was asleep so they didn’t bother to put the screens round. Saw it all. Putting the white socks on. Bit of giggling. Right as rain when she came to bed. Made me promise to wake her up if her taxi came. Well, it came in the finish. I said to Francis … no, I didn’t.
Pause.
My arm seems to have gone to sleep this morning and this hand.
She looks at her hand.
Now then I’ll have another one of these somewhere.
She locates her other hand, lifts it onto her lap and sits with her hands folded. She sings.
I’ve got sixpence
Jolly jolly sixpence
I’ve got sixpence
To last me all my life
I’ve got twopence to spend
And twopence to lend
And twopence to send home to my wife.
If we sang everything I shouldn’t forget.
All this very broken up with pauses.
Pets is what you want in this place. Else babies. Summat you can … (She makes a stroking movement) do this with. Not have to talk to.
Pause.
It’s no game is this.
Pause.
We’re the pets. Fed and cleaned out every day. It’s a kennels is this.
Pause.
Pedigree Chum. Pedigree Chum.
FADE.
Also by Alan Bennett
FICTION
The Clothes They Stood Up In
The Laying On of Hands
PLAYS
Plays One (Forty Years On, Getting On, Habeas Corpus, Enjoy)
Plays Two (Kafka’s Dick, The Insurance Man, The Old Country,
An Englishman Abroad, A Question of Attribution)
Office Suite
The Wind in the Willows
The Madness of George III
The Lady in the Van
TELEVISION PLAYS
The Writer in Dialogue
Objects of Affection (BBC)
SCREENPLAYS
A Private Function
Prick Up Your Ears
The Madness of King George
AUTOBIOGRAPHIES
The Lady in the Van
Writing Home
The Cast
Patricia Routledge plays Peggy in A Woman of No Importance
Alan Bennett plays Graham in A Chip in the Sugar
Maggie Smith plays Susan in Bed Among the Lentils
Patricia Routledge plays Irene Ruddock in A Lady of Letters
Julie Walters plays Lesley in Her Big Chance
Stephanie Cole plays Muriel in Soldiering On
Thora Hird plays Doris in A Cream Cracker Under the Settee
Eileen Atkins plays Celia in The Hand of God
Patricia Routledge plays Miss Fozzard in Miss Fozzord Finds Her Feet
David Haig plays Wilfred in Playing Sandwiches
Julie Walters plays Marjory in The Outside Dog
Penelope Wlton plays Rosemary in Nights in the Gardens of Spam
Thora Hird plays Violet in Waiting for the Telegram
THE COMPLETE TALKING HEADS. Copyright © 1998 by Forelake Ltd. All rights reserved.
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[email protected] A Woman of No Importance was first published by BBC Books in Objects of Affection in 1982. © Forelake Ltd 1982
A Chip in the Sugar, Bed Among the Lentils, A Lady of Letters, Her Big Chance, Soldiering On, and A Cream Cracker Under the Settee were first published by BBC Books in Talking Heads in 1988. Forelake Ltd 1988 The Hand of God, Miss Fozzard Finds Her Feet, Playing Sandwiches, The Outside Dog, Nights in the Gardens of Spain, and Waiting for the Telegram were first published by BBC Worldwide in Talking Heads 2 in 1998. © Forelake 1998
Photographs: pp. 38, 57, 63, 104 Jeremy Grayson; pp. 153, 156, 163, 166, 175, 178, 187, 192 Simon Mein © Slow Motion; all other photos © BBC Worldwide 1998
All rights whatsoever in these plays are strictly reserved and applications for permission to perform, etc., must be made in advance, before rehearsals begin, to
Peters Fraser & Dunlop of 503 The Chambers,
Chelsea Harbour, London SW10 OXF
ISBN 0-312-42308-X
First published in Great Britain by BBC Worldwide Ltd.
eISBN 9781429901048
First eBook Edition : January 2011
Alan Bennett, The Complete Talking Heads
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