Jennifer L. Durham of (and this must cause some confusion for Mr. Vasterling and his fellow post officers) Raleigh, North Carolina, inveighs against “the assortment of ridiculous government agencies easily found in any phone book. Here’s a sampling from the Raleigh listings”:
The Disabilities Governor’s Advocacy Council
Youth Advocacy and Involvement Office
The Adult Health Division’s Divisions of Refugee Health and Migrant Health
The Plant Industry Division’s Bee Program
The Inmate Grievance Commission
The Division of Environmental Health’s Shellfish Sanitation Branch
The Facility Services Division of Bingo Licensing
Felony Diversion Program (Is this a new euphemism for prison?)
Parent to Parent (?)
The Labor Department’s Health and Safety Department’s Elevator and Amusement Device Division (Whew!)
The Barber Examiners Licensing Board
North Carolina Center for International Understanding
And she adds “the following stupid items and regulations funded and/or enforced with taxpayer money”:
Abnormally low speed limits (which includes most of them)
A new law in North Carolina (and probably other places) requiring motorists to turn on their headlights if it’s raining hard enough to use the windshield wipers
A new regulation in some states prohibiting one to return to a salad bar with a dirty plate
Robert L. Hamilton of Edmonton, Alberta, can’t help himself:
I know this list is only supposed to contain institutions, associations, etc., but I can’t help myself. I have to nominate the boneheads in our Province of Ontario for electing a socialist government just when the rest of the world is turning the silly buggers out of their legislatures. (P.S. If you must have an institution, I nominate the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation.)
Vincent Frattaruolo of Palm Beach, Florida, whose critical sense is a lot sharper than his handwriting, scribbles a reproof of:
The International Commission on English in the Liturgy, the organization responsible for the introduction of gender-neutral language in the Catholic Mass
Matt Stuart of Altoona, Iowa, rebukes:
The Creators of TV’s Star Trek—The Next Generation, for trying to make the future politically correct
Lawrence D. Skutch of Westport, Connecticut, spotted this howler: Trustees of the John F. Kennedy Library Foundation, who gave this year’s Profiles in Courage award to Lowell Weicker because he raised taxes rather than taking the more difficult and courageous route by cutting spending
Dr. Dennis J. (there it is again) Doolin of Tokyo, Japan, doesn’t have any nominations to the Enemies List. Perhaps still reeling after President Bush’s visit, he writes to ask a simple question: “I’ve been in Tokyo for the past fifteen years. Is some diabolical group lacing our nation’s reservoirs with mind-altering substances?”
The short answer, Dr. Doolin, is yes.
And, on this year’s E-List, we give the last word to Warren Wetmore of Hazel Crest, Illinois:
Who subventions the Sinistrals? We could round up the usual suspects—the Ford Foundation, the MacArthur Foundation, the Rockefeller Foundation (whose conservative founders continue to redline their tachometers, spinning in their graves). Fools contributing to knaves is strictly dog-bites-man. However, if we really want to de-fund the left, we must hold an emergency competency hearing on the biggest spastic, drooling, brain-dead Daddy Dumbbucks of them all: THE GOVERNMENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.
(Editors’ Note: We are very disappointed that no one mentioned Benetton. We don’t know how much money this corporation gives to Commies, but it certainly gives a lot of bad ideas to kids in shopping malls: “Hey, Muffy, look, a picture of starving people! Way cool! Makes me totally want to buy a sweater!”)
THE
PETER UEBERROTH GOLD MEDAL FOR
100-METER-DASH-
CARRYING-A-VCR
Now for the second part of our mission, wherein laurels are awarded to public figures who praised, encouraged, downplayed, excused, or called for “understanding of” the LA. riots:
Helen H. Bergman of New York, New York, sends us a copy of the June 12, 1992, Public Employee Press, the newspaper of New York’s District Council 37 of the AFL-CIO American Federation of State, County, and Municipal Employees (there’s nothing like the U.S. labor movement for windy monikers, now that the Kremlin is gone). In this august publication, Stanley Hill, executive director of District Council 37, is quoted addressing the annual convention of the Coalition of Black Trade Unionists: “’CBTU’s theme—bringing our communities together—was made even more relevant by the damage caused by dreams deferred,’ Hill said, when delegates toured L.A., seeing the devastation first-hand.”
Steven Carter, who lives in L.A. and was “seeing the devastation firsthand” big time, mails us a brochure from the Liberty Hill Foundation. What they mean by “Hill” is probably Beverly, possibly Anita. What they mean by “Liberty” we shudder to think:
The Liberty Hill Foundation announces the “Fund for a New L.A.” to assist organizations working for racial equality, democratic planning, and community economic development in the aftermath of the Rodney King verdict and Los Angeles uprising....Through a generous donation from Comic Relief, the Liberty Hill Foundation has created a special fund to help community organizations respond to the challenges posed by the recent riots in Los Angeles.
The goal of the “Fund for a New L.A.” is to enable community organizations to promote institutional change to solve the injustices which helped to create the Los Angeles upheaval: poverty, racial tensions, police brutality, and urban violence.
Edward Flynn of Garland, Texas, states:
My nominees for the “Uebie,” whose primary distinguishing features seemed to be opening every monologue with “there is no excuse for this kind of behavior” and then going on for ten minutes excusing it, are Maxine Waters and Bryant Gumbel.
John C. Morrison of Windsor, Connecticut, makes three awards: Boy Clinton, as quoted in the New York Times on May 2: “To them, it sort of stands for all the neglect, all the economic decline, all the insecurity in the streets, and not being able to walk safely on the streets.” Well now, what better way to make the streets safe? If one is afraid to stroll, start a riot!
A walking miracle named Lourdes Baird, U.S. attorney in L.A., said there was no racial element in the beating near to death delivered to Mr. Reginald Denny. This gem was quoted straight-faced in the New York Times on May 14. She is pursuing racial bias charges against the police in the King case.
The New York Times, for absolute and total unmitigated nonsense in every word they saw fit to print
And Mr. Morrison further notes that no one “will admit that ‘Checkday,’ May 2, had the most to do with stopping the riots, when the post office refused to deliver. People had to line up for blocks to get their checks!”
Robert Kord of Cutler, Maine, proposes a shared medal in a “bulsh conglomerate category”:
Paul Wellstone
Jane Fonda and mouth-mate
Patricia Schroeder
M. Gorbachev
Patti Davis
Ed Busca of Chicago, Illinois, hands the palm to L. A. mayor Tom Bradley for inflammatory remarks after the King trial decision and notes that “if Hizzoner Mayor Daley I or II had said anything resembling Honorable Tom’s blast, he would have been burned at the stake.”
Rich Hardcastle of Terre Haute, Indiana, who has already done some fine work on our Enemies List above, returns to confer honors upon:
kristina marie korobov, who, as the first female Student Government president at Indiana State University, not only forgot how to capitalize her name but also called a public forum of “understanding,” which resulted in near fistfights and similar versions of harmony in the wake of the L.A. riots
Dan Buksa of Munster, Indiana, yearns to suitably reward:
 
; Sister Souljah, who “raps” that “blacks should take a week off from work to kill whites”
Roy O’Grady of Goose Creek, South Carolina, gives the prize to
Arsenio Hall: He was useless in stopping the riots once they had started, and he gave the gang members of L.A. a forum for their beliefs without ever questioning the sincerity of these drug-dealing, murderous thugs.
Barbara Morgan of Hot Springs, Arkansas, tells us: “During the CNN coverage, I was amazed to see a tall, nattily dressed black man identified only as the ’Mayor of Compton’ invite the local Koreans to ‘leave town.’ This was replayed numerous times, but nary a word against this type of racial invective was heard from any commentator.”
John P. Doremus of Tallahassee, Florida, proposes Gold, Silver, Bronze, Cement, and Mud medals to:
Donahue/ABC
Donahue’s guest Al Sharpton
Maxine Waters (please!)
Mayor Tom Bradley
The Today Show/NBC
As Mr. Doremus explains, “All of the above loudly condemned in a public forum the King verdict hours after it was announced and thus aided, furthered, and encouraged the riots that followed.”
Jeffrey D. Van Schaick, of parts unknown, alerts us to a scathing criticism of the Los Angeles Times’s riot coverage that appeared in the Wall Street Journal. The article, written by Scott Shuger, states: “In the face of all that video and the Times’s own extensive accounts of unprovoked assaults and widespread looting and arson, the paper did what it could do to fuzz up the issue of personal responsibility for those actions.” And goes on to prove it. Mr. Van Schaick says: “On behalf of Mr. Shuger, I nominate the Los Angeles Times.”
Stephanie Gutmann of New York, New York, believes another garland should go to the Los Angeles Times’s East Coast evil twin: “OK, a newspaper isn’t an individual or a public figure, but don’t you think the New York Times’s editorial board deserves the Peter Ueberroth Gold Medal for declaring, in its lead editorial, on May 3, while the rubble in L.A. was still smouldering, that ‘America consigns great numbers of young black men to lawless lives’?”
Patrick Mathias, who also contributed to this year’s E-List, returns to present a couple of blue ribbons (tied in a noose) to:
Luke Perry, “star of Beverly Hills, 90210,” quoted in the July Vanity Fair. “It’s symbolic; we’re living in a society that’s getting out of control. I don’t think it’s a race issue.... I saw white people down there screaming last night. I saw Hispanics. I saw Asians. I saw blacks.
There were gays. There were straights. If nothing else, I see some beauty in what’s happening. You’ve got people you would ordinarily never see together...”
Ronald Walters, chairman of the political science department of Howard University, in a bylined article that appeared in a number of newspapers, including the June 23 News Tribune in Woodbridge, New Jersey: “The depth and power of Sister Souljah’s art may make some people anxious, but her voice represents an authentic expression of sentiment among a substantial segment of black youth and black people.... Sister Souljah ... has gone beyond merely rapping to use her considerable intelligence as a community organizer for productive causes in the black community...”
We really can’t give this medal too often to Maxine Waters. As James Gid-witz of Chicago, Illinois, puts it:
My nominee for the “Peter Ueberroth Medal” removes the notion of contest from this award. That is, of course, the Honorable (Hello?) Maxine Waters, local congressperson. While her unfortunate presence on the television coverage initially added a welcome counterpoint of comedy to the mayhem and looting, she quickly became a nauseating apologist for criminal behavior and demanded that new federal subsidies be created to somehow reward it. This must have been a blow to her many law-abiding constituents—especially those of Korean descent, whom she unilaterally disenfranchised.
Buzz Brockway of Lawrenceville, Georgia, slings a wreath at:
Clark-Atlanta University, whose students felt such compassion for Rodney King that they looted Macy’s and lots of liquor stores
And Mr. Brockway bids farewell to police chief Daryl Gates, who is handed a Uebie “for being a spineless wonder and allowing the riots to simmer unchecked for days.”
Lastly, Steven Segers of Victorville, California, would present our coveted prize to the whole and entire city of “Lost” Angeles:
From the first images of watching the police run from dangerous criminals because they weren’t allowed to use the necessary force to control the situation, to the subsequent scenes of police treating looters with a how-may-I-help-you-service-with-a-smile mentality, Los Angeles is a typical example of liberalism run amok: soft on crime, hard on the police, and blame it all on Ronald Reagan.
MISCELLANEOUS NEW ENEMIES LIST HOUSEKEEPING ITEMS
We take this opportunity to give our special thanks to the following “Friends of the Enemies List”:
To Henry Beard and Chris Cerf, for their hilarious (and painstakingly documented) compendium, The Official Politically Correct Dictionary and Handbook, the footnotes to which are a whole New Enemies List in themselves. TOPCDH is available in a handsome paperback edition from Villard Books, a division of Random House, and is priced so as to be affordable to the oppressed. Read it and weep tears of simultaneous laughter and rage in a nonheretical modality of deconstructivist postmodernism.
To the NRA, which published an excellent article about the L.A. riots in the July issues of both its American Hunter and American Rifleman magazines. The eye- (and peep sight-) witness account was written by James Jay Baker and appropriately titled, “Second Amendment Message in Los Angeles.” As we NRA members like to say, “Join or die.”
To Betty Friedan, for putting the McCarthy Era ur-Enemies List into perspective. She was interviewed by People magazine at a party celebrating the new HBO movie Citizen Cohn, which is about Tail-Gunner Joe’s old pal Roy Cohn. Betty says the movie “will teach a whole generation about one of the most evil men who ever lived.” Stand aside, Hitler and Pol Pot.
And extra special thanks to Woody Allen—just in case there was anybody out there who still believed in psychoanalysis or thought East Coast intellectuals weren’t living piles of slime.
Well, so long for now. We’ll leave you with this edifying tale from the October 11,1991, Boston Herald:
The night of May 13,1984, David Freeman, a Duxbury firefighter, crept into the room where his wife was sleeping and beat her so severely with a club that her injuries are lifelong.
Concern over Freeman’s mental stability prompted the Board of Selectmen to remove him from his job.
Last month, the Massachusetts Commission Against Discrimination—noting Freeman was found innocent of assault by reason of temporary insanity—cited the town for “handicap discrimination.”
The MCAD restored the fifty-two-year-old Freeman to his job and awarded him $200,000 for back pay and emotional distress plus 12 percent interest.
VII
Enemies in the White House
The American Spectator, November 1993
This list has been limited to members and cohorts of the Clinton administration, those simps and ninnies, lava-lamp liberals and condo pinks, spoiled twerps, wiffenpoofs, ratchet-jawed purveyors of monkey doodle and baked wind, piddlers upon merit, beggars at the door of accomplishment, thieves of livelihood, envy-coddling tax lice applauding themselves for their magnanimity with the money of others, their nose in virtue’s bum. They are the Lhasa apsos of Poli Sci returning to the vomit of liberalism, little boar pigs looking to rut with that sow-who-eats-her-young, the welfare state, squamous muck-dwellers bottom-feeding on the worries and disappointments of the electorate—ditch carp of democracy.
When have we seen such an administration of pukes and feebs? The president and his spawn, incubi at the public teat, surpass Kennedy in their arrogance, Johnson in their lack of scruples, and Carter in their plain stupidity. They are dung beetles in legislation, legislators in the bed chamber, chamberm
aids on the battlefield, and field marshals in the war against everything reasonable and decent. Suchlike has not passed through that large intestine which is the Executive Branch since Franklin Delano Roosevelt was wheeled up the disabled access ramp to the gates of Hell.
But wait. I could be wrong. Possibly I’ve failed to learn anything from all the marvelous work that’s been done by social scientists over the past three-quarters of a century. Perhaps Clinton and his appointees aren’t evil. Perhaps they’re sick. And maybe what we think is disorganization, incompetence, mendacity, folly, pandering, and Marxism-sold-by-the-drink is actually a plea for help. If this is true and the Clinton administration is a form of mass psychosis, there’s only one thing to do. We must return these people to private life as quickly as possible, by impeachment if necessary. Once the Clintonites are ordinary citizens again, they will be able to receive the mental health care of which they are in such dire need—and all for free, thanks to national health care reforms spearheaded by the First Lady.
It’s likely that the president himself is crazy, at least if the Psychiatric Dictionary published by Bill’s alma mater Oxford University is anything to go by:
lying, pathological. Falsification entirely disproportionate to any discernible end in view; such lying rarely, if ever, centers about a single event; usually it manifests itself over a period of years, or even a lifetime.
Of course, the vice president is a loon, too. And an incoherent one. Below is a verbatim transcript from the June 3, 1993, ABC Nightline show where Gore attempted to defend Clinton’s withdrawal of the Lani Guinier nomination. Ted Koppel has just asked Gore, “Can you ... tell me what it is they disagreed on?”
Vice Pres. Gore: The theories—the ideas she expressed about equality of results within legislative bodies and with—by outcome, by decisions made by legislative bodies, ideas related to proportional voting as a general remedy, not in particular cases where the circumstances make that a feasible idea....