Tears rolled down his cheek and he nodded with a shaking lip. “I’m sorry my mother never got the chance to meet her, to see how we had changed it all.”
I laughed. “But she did, Jordan. This was entirely your mother’s idea. Molly told me that.”
He began to cry, and for a while he was silent, but as the morning turned to the afternoon, I think he managed to find a sense of peace.
“I’m so sorry, Kenzie. I never meant for all this to happen. I didn’t know.”
I let out a heavy breath as he woke me from a light nap, hearing his words. “It’s not worth worrying about anymore, darling. We’re alive and together now. All the rest is history and it won’t be repeated.”
Jordan’s face curled into a smile. “I love you, Kenzie.”
I yawned before letting out a gentle laugh. “I know.”
October 14, 2028
11.29 a.m.
“Here, Molly, pass me the ball!” I yelled from across the court, putting my hands up.
She laughed. “Nice try, Dad. This is a one-on-one game, so I can’t pass you the ball.”
We were both breathing heavily as sweat coated our brow, feeling hot, though the air was crisp and turning into fall. We stopped for a moment and I put a hand on my hip, squeezing my side.
“Does it hurt?” Molly walked up to me with the ball in her hands, a solemn look on her face that reminded me of back then, when I first saw her.
“Just a little tight, is all.” I held back a wince, feeling the residual pain that still lingered as a reminder of what I had done to myself.
“Jordan, I don’t regret what I did.”
I froze and looked at her, her voice changing as she addressed me by name. I had never told her about what she had done, as a sort of experiment, to see if she could remember, and also to hopefully hide the truth from her.
“I know about it all; I could never forget that. I knew my decision to Shift for the last time was not without good cause, and I would do it again if I had to.” Her turquoise eyes blinked as she walked over to the bench and grabbed her black sweatshirt.
“You know?” I was still gasping for air.
Molly laughed. “Of course I do, Daddy.”
I laughed and walked up to her, giving her a hug. “Then let me thank you for what you did for all of us. You had a bravery that your grandmother and I could not possess.”
I felt her squeeze me like she never had before, and for the first time since she came to me, years and years ago, I felt we had finally connected. “Do you want to hear about Grandma?” she asked, looking up at me.
The words sparked a flood of tears as she said them, my mother’s face smiling at me across my memory. I swallowed hard, my voice cracking. “I would very much like that.”
October 14, 2028
What is fate but a way to order life? When I chose to Shift my entire world, I hadn’t expected it would only delay the inevitable. I only wish that I knew more about my real life, the one I left behind many lives ago. I have learned now that I cannot hope to change the future or past. I can only hope that as I try my best, fate will shine on me. Time spent wishing that things were different is time wasted, life thrown away and forgotten. I will never be young again, but I have growing old to look forward to and that is all the adventure I need. Indulging in the power to Shift was like taking the long road to learning to live in the present moment of everyday life, but now that I know, it is something I will never take for granted, ever again.
Jordan McKay
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BOOK ONE PREVIEW
Abra Ebner
PREFACE
Once upon a time, the Gods created a being far greater than anything in existence. These beings, the highest form of human life, were closer to God than even the angels, and their beauty far more appealing than any earthly creation.
The Gods, upon seeing such a beautiful creation grew jealous. The being needed no love, longed for no power, and hungered for no nourishment of either mind or soul. Their flawless creation was angelically perfect, and therefore appallingly wrong, for nothing could be more perfect than the Gods themselves.
As the being flourished, troubled by nothing, the Gods grew dark and vindictive. In their hatred they mused and the plan they constructed was horrid, inhumane, and dark. They chose to split the perfect soul for eternity, the Gods finding themselves ultimately endangered by their creations power and strength. In one swift movement they ripped the being apart, creating two hearts, both sharing one soul.
One half was the creator, the life and energy of the earth, and the mother of man. The other half was the power and protection, a warrior of worlds. In this, they created Male and Female.
As the Gods schemed in their eternal greed, they chose to make their creation a game, no more than mere pawns for their enjoyment. As punishment, they scattered the beings among the humans of earth, both halves separated and eternally locked in hunger and longing for the love of their shared soul.
The female half was the holder of their life, the emotion and beauty of the soul. In her, she protected this delicate power, never abusing its energy and forever giving to the earth and nature. Despite her possessions, she was lonely and lost in love, weak, sad, and alone.
The male half, the powerful half, was left lifeless and drained of the energy only the soul could give him. In the male’s life on earth, he searched for his strength, the female, and the power he could ultimately gain from it. Their lethal lust for that soul was so great, that it drove them into madness, anger, and despair.
Upon meeting their soul mate, the male half was found hungry, and vicious, murdering their other half in their greed, and ultimately leading to their demise. But despite their vicious love, many survived long enough to understand their power, and in finding each other, they unlocked the secret to their lives.
Together, the two halves created a whole, a life force greater and more powerful than anything on earth. Though eternally tormented by jealously and hunger, they we
re better together than apart, the ultimate test of eternal love.
A NEW DAY
“Estella, take this.” Heidi thrust a thick envelope toward me as a sad tear grew in her eye, her hand trembling and weak as it floated in the air between us.
I looked at the envelope with caution “Oh no,” I shook my head, my face contorted into a sad frown, “Heidi no, I couldn’t.” I squeezed my eyes shut, unable to accept the gift.
“Please Estella,” she paused, her voice now choking in her throat, “I just want to see you happy. I am old and tired, my life is ending and yours is just beginning.” She walked toward me with a stern look on her face, the envelope still held out in front of her in her stubborn stand. Her eyes scanned mine in frantic waves and I could see she loved me like her own.
I grabbed the small manila package between my trembling fingers, treating it with delicate care. The contents were beyond what I could ever deserve, but the needs in Heidi’s eyes were deep, and I found myself unable to say no.
“Thank you,” I looked at the ground as the familiar sadness stung at my heart.
Heidi leaned in and hugged me, her small arms squeezing the breath from my lungs. “I’m sorry I couldn’t have been more of a mother to you,” she whispered, her breath hot as it fell across my ear.
She was crying now, and I felt the tears seeping into the shoulder of my blouse.
“Heidi, you are the closest thing to a mother I’ve ever known, don’t think any less.” I put my arm around her frail shoulders as she trembled into my chest, the guilt in me rising as I forced back my desire to stay, to save her from her lonely life.
She pulled away, a strong look now flooding her tear stained face, “You go, make me proud,” her eyes seeped bravery, “and find your happiness.” She patted both of my shoulders with surprising strength as her long nails dug into my skin with a sting of pain.
“I promise, I will come back soon,” I tried to smile as I dropped to pick up my last bag, but nothing came.
Heidi followed me to the car in her housecoat and slippers as I threw the last bag in the back seat of the old rusty green Datsun. I was finally able to afford the car after my summer working at the Market downtown. I did everything I could to scrape enough money together, to make my escape from the city.
Heidi’s eyes had dried and I looked at her with nostalgic love and admiration as I climbed in. The old vinyl seats yawned against my sweaty skin and I winced at their searing heat. I squeaked the door shut, slamming it with as much force as I could muster before putting my hands on the plastic wood grain steering wheel. She waved to me with hopeless vigor as I coaxed the vehicle to life and forced it into reverse.
“I will visit soon!” I yelled from the window as I drove off, “The college is not too far.”
Heidi took a sad and tired step forward as she made a final attempt to wave goodbye. I would miss her as my foster mother, but this was my time to make something of my sad life. The upbringing she had given me was all I could have hoped for, but something inside me was driving me away, pushing me to another place.
As I drove down the crowded streets, the shadows cast by the towering buildings of downtown Seattle always left me somewhat disappointed. The tiny house where I had been placed when I was ten glared at me as it disappeared between the apartment complexes of the west side in my rearview.
I took a deep breath, exhaling with a labored heart. I had decided the city was not for me. After years of adoption and rejection I couldn’t stand its cold cement and moist dirty air any longer. Why the city had let me down I was unsure, but as the depression in me grew deeper as the years passed, it had become a sort of cancer. There was death here, and everyone took their happiness for granted. I would have given anything to feel a smile, to muster out a happy laugh.
I rolled my windows up, closing out this world as I headed north toward the Cascades. As the hills of Seattle whizzed by, each growing less crowded with houses, I felt a sort of liberation. The stern grip I’d had on the steering wheel slowly released and soon I was casually driving with one hand. My lonely life had never granted me the experience that was ahead of me, the chance to be with nature as my heart had so longed.
The college brochure had promised a tranquil and secluded experience and that was just the thing I was hoping my dark heart needed. College had always been a goal for me, and despite my graduation from high school, with a bachelor’s degree that I had earned taking night courses, it still didn’t satisfy my insatiable need to learn.
As the sun finally released onto the calm valleys of northern Puget Sound, the density of forest began to creep ever closer to the road and I felt a strange pull from the plants that sat there, each bowing toward the concrete as though a wall between it and the other side of life, much like my mind. I envied their freedom, their simple happiness and ability to adapt. I on the other hand, had never belonged, and despite how hard I tried, I always stood out. The world hopelessly saddened me, as though somewhere in my past life, it had let me down, my soul now darkened by my evil existence.
I reached into my bag, retrieving my bottle of medication and popping one pill in my mouth as I habitually did every day for the last twelve years. Each clouded thought further stifled by the power of Prozac. I allowed myself a second to close my eyes as I once again opened my windows, releasing the seal as the wind whipped through my angelically white hair. As the sun touched my pale skin, it felt warm and soothing like a bath of heavenly light. Opening my eyes, I felt discouraged that even a moment like this could not muster a smile.
Even as a baby I had never laughed, never let out even so much as a delighted coo. Smiling was something I did because I had to in order to fit in. I learned what was funny from my peers, and practiced for hours in front of the mirror, my facial muscles stretching with pain in a way that came so naturally to everyone else. Tears never came either, though I knew what I had was sadness, I never felt that was the true definition of the feeling either. It was as though someone had ripped my soul out, leaving me helpless and empty.
I thought about all my adoptive parents, and how many times each tried to create a happy life for me, how relentlessly they urged me into activities designed to muster a laugh, though one never came. It was an inevitable truth that each failed as they rejected me back to the social workers, apologizing for their failure as parents. After a while, I gave up and moved in with Heidi and her other foster kids, for what I planned to be forever. I was like a poisonous berry, beautiful on the outside, damaged and sick on the inside.
I exhaled from deep within my charred soul as I finally reached the town of Sedro-Woolly, where I turned onto highway twenty, heading east into the North Cascades. The small town of Sedro-Woolly was far north, close to Canada and the San Juan islands, and just far enough from Seattle to leave it all behind. The town was the gateway to my future, and a new life.
As I headed into the wilderness, the trees that edged the roadside seemed to welcome my presence as the branches swayed in the light wind. The air seemed magical, and I saw the glimmer of bugs flying between thick rays of light like fairies in the trees. With my windows opened, the gentle clamoring of water casually whispered in my ear as I passed spring after spring, cascading down the granite rocks and into the roadside reservoirs.
The mountains closed in around me like a blanket, casting deep shadows on the road, but not the same depressing shadows I had grown up around in the city. These shadows revealed a whole other world beyond the dirty streets and sadness, a world of soulful life. For the first time, I felt a soft warmth flicker in my charred soul and I gasped, the feeling ripping the breath from my lungs.
Rounding the corner with caution, the trees parted in a dramatic wave and the sun poured into the car. The river that had followed the road burst open into a large lake that was choked back by a small dam. The water sparkled cleaner than I’d ever seen in Puget Sound and the glimmer made my eyes water. The air that poured into the car was crisp and moist from the glacial waters and I b
reathed deep, allowing it to heal my polluted lungs.
I stared in disbelief, wondering how I’d let this whole world hide from me for so long. As I followed the lake, I kept glancing toward it, feeling that it would disappear as fast as it had come. I blinked hard a few times, my mind wondering if this was just a twisted dream, a taunting memory set up to cause even more pain.
Like a meandering stream, the road wound to the right and I crossed over the lake on a delicate bridge. I felt a rush of something cold enter my body as though the water were pulsing through me, becoming a part of my blood and filling every vein. I allowed the feeling to control my thoughts, and I imagined a tidal wave washing through my scarred mind, cooling each itching gash.
With a sudden pulse, just when I thought I couldn’t have seen anything any more gorgeous, the lake further expanded and an even larger dam loomed before me, grand in its amazing power. I took in the complex construction and it amazed me to believe that as a human race, we could create something so powerful. I could see the college now, nestled into the hillside on the other side of the dam, I was almost there, almost free.
As I turned from the main road toward the complex, I slowed as my car rolled onto the cobblestone blocks. The gentle vibration was calming as the cobbles shuddered under my weight. The college had utilized this dam as the crossing to the school and a part of me felt like it was a bridge to my fairy-tale castle.