Dedication
For Kyrus,
who breathes magic into
our lives every day.
Epigraph
where are you from I asked
she smiled in mockery and said
one half from the east
one half from the west
one half made of water and earth
one half made of heart and soul
one half staying at the shores and
one half nesting in a pearl
—From the poem “You Are Drunk,”
by Jalal ad-Din Muhammad Rumi,
thirteenth-century Persian poet
Contents
Dedication
Epigraph
One
Two
Three
Four
Five
Six
Seven
Eight
Nine
Ten
Eleven
Twelve
Thirteen
Fourteen
Fifteen
Sixteen
Seventeen
Eighteen
Nineteen
Twenty
Twenty-One
Twenty-Two
Twenty-Three
Twenty-Four
Twenty-Five
Twenty-Six
Twenty-Seven
Twenty-Eight
Twenty-Nine
Thirty
Thirty-One
Thirty-Two
Thirty-Three
Thirty-Four
Thirty-Five
Thirty-Six
Author’s Note
Acknowledgments
Back Ad
About the Author
Books by Nadia Hashimi
Credits
Copyright
About the Publisher
One
Sleep, Obayda, and by morning all will be forgotten.
My mother’s advice worked quite well for most troubles: an argument with my sister, a bad grade, a tear in my favorite dress. But six months ago, something so bad happened that even her wisdom could not see me through it. As hard as I try, the memory won’t go away and that’s because a reminder of that gruesome day lives in my home and calls me daughter.
I try to focus on my father’s gentle face or his perfectly complete hands, but my eyes always drift down to where his leg used to be and everything comes back in one horrible rush.
On that terrible day at the very beginning of spring, my father had taken me to see the doctor. My parents were worried because I’d been coughing for two whole weeks and my throat was so sore I could hardly eat. The doctor looked in my throat and put a stethoscope to my chest. When he was done, he gave my dad a prescription for antibiotics. On our way home, my father decided we should stop by the pharmacy to pick up the medication.
I was so tired from all the walking. It was morning and my father still wanted to get to work in the afternoon. He found a plastic chair outside a clothing store and told me to wait for him there. I watched him walk the two blocks down the street and go into the pharmacy. When he came out, he had a small paper bag in his hand. He lifted it into the air and waved at me with a smile. That medicine was for me and it’s the only reason we were in the market that day. I try not to think about that too much.
A second later, a white car pulled up in front of the pharmacy and blocked my view. I waited for my father to reappear.
After that, things get pretty fuzzy. I remember the loudest sound I’ve ever heard. I remember smoke and screaming and people running. I remember horns and fire and the sound of glass breaking. I remember putting my hands over my ears and falling to the ground.
I stayed that way for a long time—waiting for the sounds to stop.
I looked up and tried to find my father, but where I’d last seen him standing there was only the car. It was missing its hood and inside the car was one big ball of flames.
I’m sure I was crying. I don’t know if I was screaming. My throat hurt even more the next day, so I probably had been.
Everyone was trying to get away from the white car. Everyone but me.
I ran right into the smoke, which I now know was a bad idea, but I wasn’t really thinking straight. There were people on the ground. I looked only at their faces. I ignored everything else.
I grabbed my father from under his arms and tried to drag him away from the car, but he was too heavy. A couple of men helped me—one on either side. They started doing something to my father’s leg. I was waiting for my father’s eyes to open and didn’t pay much attention to anything aside from his face. I just wanted him to talk to me.
It wasn’t until we were at the hospital that I realized the men had used their jackets to wrap up the wound where half my father’s leg had been blown off. Their brown jackets turned dark and wet in a way that made my stomach lurch.
It was the worst thing I’ve ever seen, and I’m glad I don’t remember more of it.
My father stayed in the hospital for weeks. We didn’t visit him much that spring because my mother said it was no place for children.
He came home with a stump wrapped in white gauze, half of his leg gone. He couldn’t move around and needed help with everything. We lived on the third floor of our building, which meant that once he got into the apartment, it was really hard for him to leave because there was no elevator. My father was angry and tired all the time, probably because he was in a lot of pain. He was at his worst when his pain medications wore off or when my mother was fixing up his bandages. My mother changed the dressings on his stump every two days. She would wipe the crust off the raw, fleshy part and rewrap it as gently as she could. It was gruesome to look at. I saw it a few times and, after that, I would make up some excuse to leave the room any time she undid the gauze strips.
Eventually the end turned into knobby skin and my father didn’t seem to be as angry. Instead, he turned into a ghost. I don’t mean that he died, but that he could be in a room and people hardly knew he was there. If he talked, it was in a light whisper. Most of the time he stayed in the bedroom he shared with my mother. When he got a little better, he would come out once every couple of days but avoided all conversation by saying his leg hurt. It gave him a good excuse to be alone and sleep, which is all he wanted to do. I suppose he was trying to forget, too.
Since my father got hurt, he couldn’t work as a police officer anymore. I miss seeing my father smile and having him hold my hand when we walk through the market. I didn’t realize how proud I was of him until he lost his uniform.
This fall, much more has changed than the color of the leaves. We had to pack up and move to the village to be closer to my father’s brothers so they could help us out. And living in an apartment at the top of three flights of stairs wasn’t a great idea for a man with one leg.
We moved from Kabul to a village in the middle of nowhere, and that’s where we live now, in a dry valley. Most of the red, orange, and gold leaves have turned brown under the feet of villagers. My father grew up here but moved to Kabul, where my mother’s family lived, as a young man.
Life in Kabul was so much better. Our apartment had a balcony, which I really liked because I could see everything that was happening in the street or in the balconies below us. I loved leaning over the railing and watching drivers roll down their windows and yell at each other, their cars just inches apart. My school in Kabul was in a really nice building. It was messed up so badly during the war that they had to rebuild a lot of it. We had blackboards and desks and a playground with swings.
The village is far from Kabul and very different. There aren’t as many people and there are nowhere near as many cars. Families live closer to each other and there are no ap
artment buildings. We live in a small home close to my uncles’ houses. Our village home has a courtyard, but there’s nothing exciting to see there unless you like watching clothes dry on a line. My eldest uncle takes care of his younger siblings plus his own wife and children. That’s the way things go. The oldest boy in the family is the one who’s responsible for looking after everyone. He’s sort of like the backup father.
But my family doesn’t have a son, which means we don’t have a backup father.
Like our Kabul apartment, our village home has an “everything” room, which is basically our living room but more. Our everything room in Kabul was painted yellow, but the one in our new home doesn’t look like it’s been painted at all. We moved all that we had in our old everything room into our new everything room.
Here in the village, we have a single television against the wall with a DVD player, which we use to watch pirated movies we bought from street vendors in Kabul. The only problem is, we can’t do this very often since electricity is really unreliable. The earth floor is hidden by a few burgundy carpets woven with intricate geometric patterns.
Along the sides of the rooms are long, flat cushions we lie on with big pillows propped against the wall. My mother likes to rest her back on these pillows while she’s sewing. When it’s dinnertime, we lay a vinyl tablecloth on the ground and eat. On weekends, which are Fridays and Saturdays, we welcome guests here (which means bringing them tea and dried fruits). When it’s cold out, we use a low stove with hot coals at the base. We cover the stove with a thick blue-and-gray plaid comforter so we can sit around it and warm ourselves. We set bowls of walnuts nearby and snack on them. In the afternoons, we spread out our notebooks from Kabul and review old homework assignments. My sisters and I read side by side, sometimes helping one another if we get stuck on a word. When my mother is in a good mood, we can get her to play cards with us. We play games called “five card” or, my favorite, “game of the thief.” The loser has to do something awful, which usually means washing the dishes.
There are two other rooms—one room for my parents to sleep in and one room that I share with my sisters. We all sleep on thin mattresses that rest on the floor. In the mornings, we fold our blankets and lay them on our beds. There’s also a small room that opens to the back of the house, and that’s where my mother does the cooking, letting the smell of sautéed onions escape into the open air.
It’s a pretty simple house, not made of any concrete or metal like our apartment building in Kabul, but my mother keeps reminding us that things could be worse. I think she just tells us that so we won’t keep talking about how much better things used to be.
My mother tries really hard. She’s not happy about living in this village. It’s far from her family and friends. She misses our home in Kabul. She misses the hair salon she would go to (even if she went only once a year) and the new sofa we’d just bought for our home. I think she misses the way my father used to be too. It’s a lot harder to make her laugh now, even when I’m being really funny.
And I know my mother is not all that happy about being closer to my father’s family. My aunts come and talk to her, but she either gives them tight, polite smiles or looks like she’s trying not to roll her eyes. Everyone lives so close to us it takes only a few minutes to walk from house to house. And it’s not like we can pretend we’re not home. We’re always home because there’s nowhere to go.
I can see this stuff now because I’m ten years old and not a child anymore. My father’s leg taught me a lot about my parents. I can see they’re not always strong and they’re not always right.
And because I’m ten years old and smart enough to notice, I see that lately my mother’s been giving me a strange look—like she’s got something bad to tell me. But I know she’s going to do what parents do and pretend that it’s actually something good.
Two
I hear a knock on the outside door, the one that separates our courtyard from the street. I open the door for my father’s brother and his wife. This is their third time coming by this week. I don’t mind my uncle. He’s the oldest in the family and looks it. He’s tall with a heavy belly and a round face. He smiles when he sees me or my sisters but doesn’t talk to us a whole lot. On the other hand, I don’t really like being around his wife, Khala Aziza, but she is my aunt, so I have to be nice. She’s the kind of lady who starts every sentence with Let me tell you what you should do. That’s her thing.
She loves to talk too. We moved to this village almost three weeks ago, in the beginning of fall. My sisters and I were looking forward to going to school, even though it was nearly the end of the school year, which starts in the spring and lets out for three months in the winter.
During the first week in our new home, Khala Aziza came over every day, until she was sure she had told my mother everything she needed to know about each and every person in our whole extended family.
“Where’s your father?” my uncle asks.
“In the bedroom,” I tell him. It’s the same answer I’ve given all week. My uncle walks into the house, says a quick hello to my mother, and makes a right. My aunt pulls me toward her and draws my face into her hands.
“How are you, dear? Are you doing well?”
“I’m fine, thanks.” I’m thrown off by her asking me. I’m the youngest in the family and don’t really have any gossip to share with her. Since she’s still holding my face, I try talking my way out of her hands. “Er, how . . . how are you?”
“Surviving, I suppose.” It works. She lets go of my face and shakes her head. I try to look around her and see if one of my sisters is nearby. I need a way out of this strange conversation, but there’s no one else in the courtyard—just the two of us.
“My mother is inside. Why don’t you come in?” I say in my most polite voice.
“I will, I will.” But she doesn’t move. She’s got her hands on my shoulders now, so I’m trapped.
“Obayda, you’re such a bright girl,” she says. “I think you could do so much for your family.”
I have no idea what she means by this.
“Uh, thanks . . .”
She leans in. I’m so close I could count her eyelashes if I wanted to.
“You can help your father,” she whispers. “You can make him proud.”
I smile awkwardly and wiggle my shoulders to loosen her grip. I can’t wait for Mother to enroll us in school. I’d much rather not be home when my aunt comes by. Mother’s promised we’ll start soon. She hates for us to miss any school and fall behind in our studies.
“Okay, Auntie, but I have to go . . . Meena is waiting for me,” I blurt out and run into the house. I race past my mother.
“Obayda, where are you going?” she calls after me as she pulls herself off the floor cushion.
“Khala Aziza is here,” I say without stopping.
I run into the bedroom I share with my sisters: Neela, Meena, and Alia. Neela is sixteen years old, Meena is thirteen, and Alia is twelve. They’re all older than me, and I’ve spent my life either chasing after them or running away from them. That’s how it goes for the youngest in the house.
Meena is on her hands and knees, patting the carpet. I flop onto my sleeping cushion and pick up my stuffed panda.
“What are you doing, Meena?”
“I lost my earring,” she mutters.
“Again?”
Meena’s had these tiny gold hoops since she was a baby. I put the panda down and crawl onto the carpet to help her. The earring has a way of blending into the pattern of the rug.
“Auntie Aziza is here.”
“Yeah, I heard her voice.”
“She’s acting weird,” I tell Meena quietly.
“Look over there. I’ve already checked this part.” I scoot over a couple of feet. She’s let me wear her earrings a few times, and I love the way the hoops dance on my earlobes. That’s why I’m willing to help her look.
“Meena, did you hear what I said? She’s saying strange things.?
??
“Like what?”
“Like that I should make our father proud.”
“That’s not that strange, Obayda.” Meena jumps to her feet. “I found it!”
I watch her slip the hoop back into her ear.
“Meena . . .”
Meena shoots me a sly look.
“Come,” she says. “Let’s go see what Khala Aziza’s talking about.”
Meena takes my hand and leads me into the short hallway. We tiptoe past the room my parents sleep in. My uncle is sitting with his back to the doorway, talking to my father in a low voice. They don’t notice us creeping past them. We stop just outside the living room. Meena puts her finger up to her lips, reminding me to stay silent. My aunt is not afraid that someone may be listening. We hear every word.
“We all see it. He won’t talk, not even to his brother. He won’t get out of bed. He’s barely eating. How is he supposed to get any better if you don’t do something?”
“I think he just needs some time . . .”
“He’s had lots of time, my dear. If you care about his health, you’ll do the right thing.”
“I just can’t do that to Obayda. It’s not right. I don’t want to change her. She’s such a . . . a girl. She loves her dresses and her dancing and her sisters. I don’t want to take all that away from her.”
My shoulders tense when I hear my name. Meena’s looking at me with her eyebrows raised.
“She’ll learn to love new things. And she can always go back to loving those things in a few years. It’s the perfect solution. It’s a simple change and doesn’t cost you any more than a couple of pairs of pants.”
“He loves his daughters. He always has. But I do remember when he used to talk about wanting a son.”
“That’s exactly what I’m saying! You know what a difference it would make for him. You’ve seen my husband talk about our three sons, haven’t you? Oh, his face just glows when he gets started on them. A son can do for your husband what no doctor can.”
“You really think so? And wouldn’t it be hard on her? I mean, she’s a girl. I can’t just make her wake up as a boy.”