Whit scowled up at me. “Why?”
“You were scared.” I couldn’t raise my voice above a whisper. “You were in a strange and frightening land, and Janan offered you a way to come back if you died.”
“Many of us were more afraid of Janan than we were the rest of the world,” Stef added quietly. “He’d angered phoenixes. He’d done something so huge that phoenixes stepped in to punish him. Whether or not we knew the truth of what happened, we knew it had to be bigger than we were, and that meant Janan was, too. So we agreed because it seemed like he could protect us or destroy us. We made a decision based on fear.”
“And it seemed like newsouls would never even know what they missed.” I tried not to think about the non-voice I’d heard in the temple once, or the weepers: newsouls.
“It doesn’t matter if they didn’t know what they were missing,” Whit said. “We knew. We knew what Janan would do to them. We made that decision.”
Awkward silence filled the cave, and after a while, Whit went out after Sam, a spare coat slung over his arm.
Stef glared at me. “If you’re going to be so bad at keeping secrets, you need to figure out a more delicate way of revealing them.” She turned away and bent over her SED.
Now everyone was angry with me. Stef, because I’d told the others, and Sam and Whit because I hadn’t told them before. I probably deserved to be left alone.
But even as I leaned my forehead on my knees, Cris curled up next to me, a companionable warmth.
“Thanks,” I mumbled, and he gave a quiet hum. I hated Sam being mad at me, but what I had to do next would make it worse.
With a tired sigh, I grabbed my SED and shifted to the map, trying to work out time and distances.
After an hour, Sam and Whit returned to the cave. Stef and I both looked up expectantly.
“Ana,” Sam started, but I stood and shook my head.
“You might as well just sit and listen to what I have to say. None of you are going to like it.”
Sam’s dark eyes narrowed, but he leaned against the wall, next to Whit. Stef gave me a wary look, and Cris lingered in the corner, invisible among the shadows.
I begged my voice not to shake. “This is my plan. It’s going to sound rash, but unless any of you have better ideas, it’s the only plan we’ve got.” Dread coiled in my stomach as my friends’ expressions grew more and more skeptical. “We get the dragons to help us.”
Sam turned ash pale. Stef glared like she was ready to kill me, while Whit just looked stricken and like he hoped maybe this was a joke.
If only that were true.
Cris gave a small, disbelieving trill. Everyone’s eyes darted toward him, but no one spoke. They just waited for me to explain myself.
“It sounds horrible, but hear me out. The dragons have—They might have—I read in the books—” The words tumbled from me, tripping and bumping one another. Everything came out in the wrong order.
I stopped, swallowed hard, and tried again.
“For thousands of years, dragons have come down from the north. Every time, they attack the temple. The day they flew in during a market, I remember seeing them come straight for the temple, ignoring everything else, even the people attacking them. I remember wondering, why? Why would they willingly sacrifice themselves to destroy a building?
“Now I think they’re not attacking the building. They’re attacking Janan. I know everyone else feels calm and peaceful when they look at the temple, like they’re safe, but since the first time I saw it, the temple has made me feel awful. Like I need to shrink up. Like something is watching me and doesn’t like me. And I thought that was just because so many people were watching me and not liking me, but then I realized Janan was real. Then I found out that if not for Menehem’s experiment, Janan would have—”
Sam jerked his head up, his gaze so black and anguished I hardly recognized him. He looked a little wild, like he’d give anything to make me stop talking.
“The dragons tried to destroy the temple that day. Then, during Templedark, they brought more and attacked people, too, but lots of dragons still went straight at the temple. While it was dark, they cracked the stone open. They wrapped themselves around the temple, squeezed and clawed, and broke it.”
After a moment of awkward humming, Cris said, -That only happened because of Menehem’s poison.-
“I know it sounds like a terrible idea, and maybe it is, but there’s more to my plan.” Why couldn’t I stop talking? But the words kept rushing out, like a waterfall. I looked at Stef and Whit. “I have more of the poison Menehem used. While we were at the lab, I hid the poison so no one would find it. If we can convince the dragons they’ll have a shot at destroying the temple—”
Stef shook her head. “Do you hear yourself? You just said ‘convince the dragons.’ What makes you think that’s possible?”
My throat constricted, making my words come out like squeaks. “The centaurs—”
She shook her head again. “They didn’t understand anything you said. You had two of their children and an army of sylph behind you. They didn’t kill us because nothing can hurt a sylph.”
Cris keened softly.
Stef ignored him. “The centaurs don’t want to be your friends, Ana. If they’d found you without an army of sylph, they would have destroyed you. They would have destroyed all of us if Cris hadn’t arrived. And dragons, Ana. Dragons.” She touched Sam’s shoulder, anguish flashing across her face as he jerked away. “How can you ask that of Sam? You know what happens. How can you ask him to die?”
I looked at Sam, all the fire pouring out of me. I knew about the dragons. I knew about the thirty dragon deaths, and the way he’d been after the dragons attacked the market that day. I remembered the terror in his eyes, and the way he’d steadily grown distant and darker.
He had that look again. Fear. Horror.
Resignation.
His voice was deep, soft. “She’s not asking me to do anything she’s not willing to do herself.”
Everyone looked from Sam to me, though Sam continued speaking.
“Ana doesn’t expect to live through this, either. She’s been waiting to die this entire time.”
I stared at my feet.
Sam’s voice turned raw. “She has this one life, and she’s willing to risk it so others might live. We all came along for a greater cause, knowing we might sacrifice our lives. Knowing we won’t be reincarnated if we succeed in stopping Janan’s ascension. After living for five thousand years, suddenly stopping is such a terrifying concept.”
Where did they go? What did they do? Surely the soul lived on.
“But Ana has only had eighteen years.” His voice tightened. “Nineteen.”
Today was my birthday. I’d forgotten.
“No matter what happens, there’s no reincarnation for her. If she’s willing to sacrifice the rest of her life for this, I can, too. She’s not asking for anything outrageous. She’s asking us to atone for what we’ve already done.”
I hadn’t thought of it like that. “I’m not trying to force you into going out of guilt—”
Sam shook his head, and for a moment a there was a look in his eyes I couldn’t identify, but it broke my heart. Then he was hard again. Distant again. “You don’t have to use guilt against us. If you’re going north, then we all go. We can’t stay behind, can we? There’s no catching up with the other group. And there’s no surviving on our own.”
So they’d join me not because they loved me or believed I was right, but because there was nowhere else to go. And because they believed they owed newsouls their lives.
They were angry with me. All of them. Even Sam.
Especially Sam.
“So that’s your plan?” Stef said. “Menehem’s poison, dragons, and optimism?”
It sounded so stupid when she said it, but I wouldn’t give in. “The dragons will listen to me.”
“Why?” She scowled. “Because you have sylph friends? Because you’re the new
soul? Surely you realize that nothing else out there—sylph aside—cares what you are. They can’t even tell the difference.”
“I’ll find a way.” I would. I had to.
Stef leveled her gaze on me. “Is that before or after they eat Sam?”
Her words were knives in my heart. “I won’t let anything hurt him.” Though when I met his eyes, I could see it was already too late.
“Even if you find a way to convince them, what next? You’ll just set your poison out, put Janan to sleep, and let the dragons rampage through Heart?” Stef threw up her hands in mock surprise. “Oh, I know why that sounds so familiar. That’s exactly what Menehem did.”
“I’m not like Menehem,” I hissed. “I’ll tell the dragons not to hurt people. And we can warn people to stay away from the temple while the dragons—”
“Rip it apart?” She advanced on me. “Do you think that’s going to work? Tear apart the temple, and Janan can’t ascend?”
My eyes stung with tears, but I wouldn’t cry. I wouldn’t. “I wasn’t finished.”
“What else?” Whit asked.
“I read something about dragons in the books. Something that might help us.” I took a deep, steadying breath. “The dragons have a weapon.”
The cave went so quiet I could hear the sound of snowfall.
“More than their teeth and talons?” Stef muttered darkly. “More than their acid?”
“Yes.”
Sam closed his eyes.
I tried not to look at him. Or any of them. I tried to focus on the shadows shifting on the wall, but I couldn’t ignore Sam’s wretched expression. “Yes, another weapon. I’m still working on translating the symbols, but it seems like this weapon is something they revere. Something that’s important to them.”
“And you think what?” Stef’s voice was a dagger. “You think they’ll just give you the weapon? Or use it because you ask them to? They’re not part of your army.”
I pressed my mouth into a line.
“And even if they do have a weapon, why haven’t they used it before now?”
“Because they’re trying to use it on Janan inside the temple?” That hadn’t been meant as a question, but my voice defied me and lifted at the end. “Look, maybe I’m wrong about the weapon. And the dragons. But do you have a better plan? Do you have any plan? You got us out of Heart and you’ve kept us safe from drones, and I can’t thank you enough for that, but what now, Stef? The rest is up to me.” I glanced at Cris and the other sylph shifting into the natural shadows of the cave, as though trying to avoid notice. “I don’t know if it will work. I don’t know if anything will work. I have to try, though.”
No one spoke, though Sam’s betrayed expression, Whit’s obvious confusion, and Stef’s hostility said everything.
My voice was hoarse as I grabbed my coat. “We leave tomorrow.”
This time, I was the one to leave the cave.
I wandered through the twilight forest, sorrow curled up inside my chest. The sadness was lodged so firmly I could hardly breathe, hardly think. Only as light bled from the world did I realize I’d forgotten a flashlight and my SED, and the only ones who might come looking for me were shadows.
The moon hung somewhere above, but it was dark tonight. I could see the outlines of trees, thanks to starlight, but soon I was lost, shivering inside my coat, which suddenly seemed inadequate. Ice crunched under my boots and broke off against my sleeves as I brushed past.
In the dark, shivering and aching with misery, I swept snow off a boulder and slumped onto the stone. My butt froze instantly, but after everything, I was too tired to care. I was too tired to keep picking my way through the dark.
It was my nineteenth birthday.
A year ago today, I’d left Li at Purple Rose Cottage and set out to find my place in the world. Instead, I’d been chased by sylph—sylph that had evidently been trying to befriend me—and jumped into Rangedge Lake, where Sam rescued me. When I closed my eyes and sent my thoughts back in time, I could still feel the ache in my chest and the blackness swarming in my head as consciousness faded.
I could still feel Sam’s arms wrap around me, feel him blow air into me, feel the cold wind on my wet skin as I saw him above me, smiling.
He’d brought me back to life.
And now I would take him to his death.
I bent over my knees and sobbed myself raw, coming back to the present when the shivers got too much. I grew hyperaware of every sound in the woods: a breeze rattling branches and rustling pine needles, birds settling into nests, and a low and melancholy moan.
Sylph.
I licked moisture back into my cold-chapped lips and tried not to let my voice shake too hard. “Cris?” It could have been any of the other sylph, too, but I didn’t know their names, or if they even had names anymore.
Heat flowed around me, making my skin prickle. The sylph hummed quietly beside me. -This way.-
I couldn’t see where we were going. I followed the warmth, frustratingly slow because any time we turned or went around something, I had to test the air. But I was relieved to have been found, and by someone who could thaw me to the core.
Twigs cracked beneath my boots as I followed, and somewhere in the darkness, small animals scurried away. At last, I caught the faint light that looked as though it shone from around a corner. The cave. Usually at night, sylph lined up at the exit, absorbing the light so anyone—or any creatures—wandering past wouldn’t see it.
“Thank you for finding me,” I murmured to the sylph, then headed inside. When I squinted through the dim light, everyone appeared to be sleeping in their bags. No one stirred as I pulled off my snow-dusted coat and boots and shoved them in a corner, but when I searched for my sleeping bag and found it near Sam’s—though not as near as it had been earlier—I caught the whites of his eyes in lantern light when he blinked.
I paused, crouched by my sleeping bag. I’d been ready to slide it away from him so I wouldn’t forget when I first woke up in the morning.
But our eyes met, and for a moment I hoped he’d say something or open his sleeping bag in invitation. We’d had fights before, and reconciling kisses were always sweet. Instead, he gave a slight nod—acknowledgment of my return—and closed his eyes.
Heart still aching, I dragged my sleeping bag away from his, crawled inside, and stared into the darkness until morning.
When the sun rose, we left the cave and headed north.
To where dragons lived.
15
SOLITUDE
THERE WAS NO music for a long time. Not from Sam or the sylph, and not from the woods that shielded us from the bitter wind. The farther we traveled, the closer and taller the trees seemed, as if they held secrets between their branches and guarded them fiercely. With few small mammals in the underbrush and even fewer birds calling in the trees, the world began to look very lonely.
My boots crunched paths on the ice-crusted ground. The crackle was sharp and startling, but the others never glanced back.
Our progress was abysmal. After two and a half weeks, we were barely halfway to our destination, though we’d had to pause for a few days after eating something that shouldn’t have been eaten. Still, we should have been farther.
It was the most miserable time of my life, relieved only by evening SED calls with Sarit.
Outside the tent, I listened to Sarit tell me about the curfews and who’d been imprisoned for resisting Deborl or expressing concern about newsouls.
“It was Emil this time,” she said.
“The Soul Teller from Anid’s birth?”
“Yes.” She sighed, and it sounded like she was trying not to cry. “Everyone is so afraid here. With the earthquakes and storms, people are terrified.”
I knew. She said the same thing every day.
“Armande said to tell you hello, and that he hopes you’re eating enough. He keeps saying he should have gone with you to make sure you’re properly fed.”
“I wish you were bot
h here.” Except I didn’t want them to be angry with me, too. I hadn’t told Sarit the secret I’d revealed, only that they knew something and it had changed everything. She did know where we were heading, though.
“How are things going with you?”
“Sam still mostly talks to Whit.”
“And Stef?”
“Still upset with me.” I closed my eyes as snow began to fall. “They aren’t mean to me. They don’t ignore me. But they’re all different toward me.”
“Are you being different toward them, now that they know?”
I shrugged, even though she couldn’t see it.
“I’ll take your silence as a yes.” Sarit sighed. “You can’t expect things not to change. Give them time to adjust.”
“You’re right.”
“Of course I am.”
“But Sam—”
“You know what you’re asking of him. It’s probably taking everything he’s got just to keep functioning. You remember how he was after the market attack last year. This is worse than that.” Her voice crackled as the SED signal grew weaker. “I know this must be hard, especially after the way Li treated you, but they don’t mean the silence the same way she did. Why don’t you try talking to them?”
“About what? The longer we go like this, the more awkward it gets.”
“Music? Food? How much you hate the cold? I don’t know, Ana. They’re just as miserable as you are. Don’t wait for them to be friendly with you first. But if you won’t take action, I can’t help you.” Something crashed in the background, and she swore. “Sorry, Ana. Armande needs me. Earthquake.” She clicked off before I could say good-bye.
I sat outside, watching snow gather on my mittens and SED.
Our goal wasn’t the dragons’ land, exactly. The library had information on dragons and their habitat, of course, so we knew roughly where they lived, but I didn’t need to go quite that far north.
In his previous lifetime, Sam had come across an immense white wall, like Heart’s city wall. There, dragons had discovered him and killed him.