“Uh, aren’t you going to wear your prosthesis?”
Kelly took a deep breath, looking to one comer where the leg was propped up. “No, I’m not. I’ll be late to each class with that thing weighing me down.”
“You’re supposed to wear it every day.”’
“Yeah, but not today. Let’s go.”’
He spared one last glare for the leg, despising it for being such a disappointment. He had practiced with it, and even managed to lurch across the kitchen without his crutches, but at a tediously slow rate. At least with the crutches he could swing himself forward, getting a tantalizing taste of the speed he missed so much. Like a drug. Like those stupid pills that the doctors still refused to refill. He had found some old painkillers from when Royal sprained his ankle, but there hadn’t been many. Kelly had already munched them all. Now he was facing the first day of school stone-cold sober.
At least he wouldn’t be alone for the first half. The school had worked with them to ensure William shared as many of his classes as possible. One of the perks of being crippled. They shared the first three periods and lunch. Only in the afternoon would Kelly have to fend for himself.
Heading into the school building for the first time since the accident was intimidating, but less so with William at his side. He wasn’t sure what to expect aside from lots of stares. He definitely got those, but he’d grown accustomed to them over the summer. The smiles took him aback. Mostly these came from girls. They weren’t quite pitying. Supportive? He wasn’t sure, but he found it disconcerting. Quite a few even said hello, calling him by name. He supposed he shouldn’t be surprised. Their accident had been all over the news, both online and off. One web article had a comment section full of variations of “Oh my god! They go to my school!” And of course there were lewd comments about what he and William might have been doing to each other to cause the wreck.
“Hi, Kelly!” said a complete stranger in passing.
“Gosh,” he murmured. “We’re famous.”’
“Don’t get used to it,” William joked. “By this time tomorrow, you’ll be old news.”’
“I hope you’re right.”’
The weirdness continued throughout the day. Every teacher pulled him aside, letting him know they were there if he needed anything. In one period he was offered a seat up front, like missing a leg somehow affected his eyesight. Several people asked how he was doing, or oddest of all, said he was an inspiration. By lunch he felt unnerved. William was carrying two lunch trays, since Kelly couldn’t manage one on his own, when they approached a table with many of his teammates. Kelly knew he could count on them to be insensitive assholes.
Or so he thought. Jared stood up, taking one of the trays from William. Then he hovered near Kelly as he sat, just in case he needed help. Once this humiliation was out of the way, and after some lingering stares, conversation resumed as normal. Mostly. Jared kept smiling at him and Martha watched him with shining eyes. Kelly practically counted down under his breath, just waiting for it. He’d already heard it enough times today. Once more wouldn’t kill him.
“You’re such an inspiration!” Martha gushed.
“Thanks,” Kelly muttered, focusing on the flavorless rectangle of starch that was supposed to be pizza.
“So, did you guys see The Simpsons last night?” William asked.
“Yeah,” one of the other guys said. “Why’d they show the Halloween special so early?”
“No idea,” said another. “That show sucks anyway. Family Man is way better.”
“It’s Family Guy, dumbass. And both shows suck.”
Kelly breathed out in relief. This was more like it! Stupid banter that would soon be forgotten. By the time Kelly had forced down his lunch, he was feeling much better. When two of the guys got into an argument about foreign versus domestic sports cars, he felt positively elated.
“Nothing is faster than a Lamborghini!”
“We’re talking cars normal people can buy, not the toy of some rich old guy. And if you want to see fast, just wait until I kick your ass after school today.”
“You think you can outrun me?”
“I know I can!”
The table went silent. Kelly glanced up in time to catch a number of uncomfortable expressions. Of course. Cross country season was just beginning, and a lot of the guys from track—Kelly included—treated it as training before track season in spring. He wouldn’t be participating in either this year. Kelly had avoided thinking much about that, but now the truth was all too conspicuous. Even sitting at this table was a joke. He no longer belonged here. He was no longer a part of the team.
“Better get a head start,” he mumbled, pulling his tray toward him before swinging a leg over the bench to stand.
Before he could, Jared shot to his feet, taking the crutches leaning against the bench and holding them out helpfully. Kelly felt his face burning and considered crawling under the table to die. He stood instead, Jared taking his tray and walking beside him toward the trash. William and Martha could only trail behind.
“You doing okay?” Jared asked.
“Never better,” Kelly said, voice laced with sarcasm.
“Oh. Uh. Hey, if you ever want to hang out, you’ve got my number. Text me or something. We can go for a drive.” An awkward pause, followed by a very hurried, “Or hit the mall or catch a movie. I don’t know. I’m sorry about everything, okay?”
Kelly glanced over at him. Did he feel guilty now? After all this time, did seeing Kelly one leg down make him feel bad for what had happened between them? He took in Jared’s smile and felt pathetic. How a friendly gesture could make him feel so small, he had no idea. But it did.
“Thanks,” he managed as Jared emptied his tray into the trash. “I gotta get to my next class.”
“Okay. Well... See you around!”
No chance of that. Tomorrow Kelly would find somewhere else to sit. He didn’t want to be the loser who didn’t make the team but still hung around with those who did, desperate to belong to the pack. Hell, even that sort of person had more going for them, since at least people would snub them. That took honesty. If Kelly showed up at the track, his teammates would probably applaud, even if he couldn’t run.
He understood everyone was trying to be nice, but that wasn’t normal. Random people didn’t smile at him last year. Aside from his friends, most people ignored him and weren’t overly friendly. He thought of Bonnie, how after the accident she had showed up at the hospital, looked him up and down as he lay in bed and said, “Whelp, this sucks.” He loved her for that. No encouraging smile, no pep talk. Just the truth. Losing a leg sucked, but everyone acted like he’d done something brave. “Hi,” said a girl in sixth period. “It’s great to see you here.”
Kelly had no idea who she was, but she spent most of the class watching him. He did his best to ignore her. When the bell rang and he leaned over to grab his backpack, she stood and put it on his desk for him. Then she spoke words which set Kelly’s teeth on edge.
“You’re an inspiration. You know that?”
“How exactly am I an inspiration?” Kelly asked. “Do I make you want to cut off one of your legs? Is that how I inspire you?”
“No,” the girl stammered. “I mean that you’re brave.”
“Brave? I got hit by a car, blacked out from the pain, and woke up without my leg. How is that brave? Because I came to school, dared to show my disfigured form in public instead of hiding myself away in shame?”
The girl’s face flushed. “I don’t. I don’t know what I mean.” “That’s painfully obvious.”
Kelly watched her flee the room, cheeks burning, and felt better. Maybe he wasn’t being fair, but it felt good to bite back instead of swallowing any more pity. His vindication kept him going as he worked his way through the hall, glaring at any strangers who dared send sympathy his way. Head held high, Kelly made it outside and found William waiting next to the curb, his mother’s car already there to whisk them home. William took
one look at him and knew something was wrong. Setting his backpack on the ground, he stepped forward. Kelly didn’t stop moving until he was in his arms. Only when his face was buried against William’s neck did he squeeze his eyes shut, fighting to hold back the tears.
Chapter Eleven
They ’re coming for me. I try to run, but my feet are heavy. Made of clay. Lifting each takes monumental effort, cracks appearing in my terracotta legs. I can either admit defeat and allow them to swarm over me, their claws rendering my flesh to shreds. Or I can keep running. My feet drag behind me, made of iron now, but I won’t give up. I grit my teeth and force myself to lift one foot... and it’s too much. My right leg shatters into pieces. The maddened laughter behind me grows closer.
Kelly awoke with a gasp, his throat burning dry, his body drenched in sweat as he glanced around the room. Little had changed over the last six months. William’s slumbering form was next to him, no doubt ready to stir the second Kelly got out of bed. Then he would utter the same words he did every morning. Just the thought made Kelly’s jaw clench. He was tempted to lie in bed the entire day to avoid another tiresome replay. Unfortunately his bladder had other ideas. Exhaling, he sat up as quietly as possible and swung his leg over the edge of the mattress.
William smacked his lips a few times. “You okay?”
Kelly could feel the pulse throbbing in his neck. He wouldn’t answer today. What a stupid fucking question. Of course he wasn’t okay!
“Kelly?”
“I’m fine,” he managed. Then he pushed himself up and started hopping. Too bad the Olympics didn’t recognize this as a sport because Kelly could hop like a pro these days. He headed into the bathroom, sat on the toilet seat, and stared into space as his body took care of the rest. He was hopping back toward the bedroom when William appeared in the doorway and gave him a goofy grin. He was rock hard and his muscles still radiated heat from being under the covers. Sexy, but lately Kelly hated mornings, because a good night’s sleep seemed to refuel William’s optimism. No matter how bad the arguments the day before, no matter how much they struggled to get along, he would present Kelly with a fresh chance the next morning. While that used to be endearing and generous and welcome, now Kelly knew it would only be a matter of time. His anger would show or some bitter part of him would unleash words to wipe the smile from William’s face. And he hated it. Hated himself, hated how it made him feel, and sometimes he even hated William for setting himself up to be hurt. So much hate. It needed to end.
He stepped aside and leaned against the counter. William made use of the toilet, shooting Kelly a few suggestive glances as he peed. Kelly didn’t return the compliment. Lately he only felt sexy when he was dressed and his body was covered.
“Wanna take a shower?” William asked.
“If you’re referring to the golden variety, then no.”
A little humor. Okay. So far so good.
William flushed the toilet. “Too late for that. Unless you wait while I drink a couple gallons of water.”
Kelly snorted. “I’d prefer the water before it passes through your personal filtration system.”
“Suit yourself. Come on. I’ll hold you.”
Kelly’s molars ground together. William holding him in the shower had once felt sweet. Liberating. Now it only seemed pathetic. “You go ahead,” he said. “I’m getting back in bed.”
“Then I’ll join you,” William said, taking a step closer.
“If you’re not going to shower then I will,” Kelly snapped.
He wanted to close his eyes and take a deep breath. Instead he stared William down, too proud as always to admit he had once again lost control. The anger inside of him was growing every day. In his dreams he might be chased by unseen monsters, but in the waking world, the true enemy lurked within.
William slunk out of the room without another word. Kelly shut and locked the door after him and resisted the urge to cry or scream or just go completely insane. Something had to change. He needed help. As he stood there leaning against the cold marble counter, he realized what he needed most. He rushed through showering as much as possible. Afterwards he put on a robe and hopped back to the bedroom. The blinds were open, letting in the soft Sunday light. William sat on the edge of the bed, pulling on his shoes.
“I’m heading out for my swim,” he said without looking up. “I’ll shower at the YMCA. Afterwards I thought I’d check on my mom.”
“Okay.” The room was silent as Kelly fetched his crutches and went to the dresser. He took more time than he needed, eager for William to leave. Only when he was at the door did Kelly turn around. “Are you coming to group today?”
William’s eyes darted over to him, then away. “I’m hardly home anymore. The lawn needs to be mowed and I’m sure—”
“It’s fine,” Kelly said. Then he swallowed, because even through all the anger, he still loved William. “Will you be here tonight? You know I hate sleeping alone.”
“I’m sure Royal would be glad to snuggle up with you.”
Kelly felt like snapping at him in return, but he caught himself and chuckled. “I’d rather sleep with you.”
A little optimism returned to William and he nodded. “I’ll be here.”
Once he was gone, Kelly allowed himself to dwell on the feeling of affection in his chest, wishing it would always be there to keep his other emotions at bay. Then he remembered his idea and grabbed his phone. He sat on the bed and sent a text to Bonnie. Then a few more to get his point across. Afterwards he waited, and when she finally sent him a digital thumbs up, he knew he would be okay. By the time William saw him again tonight, all the hate would be purged from his heart.
“Is this what you’re looking for?”
Kelly felt like swiping the bottle from Bonnie, but he restrained himself. The orange plastic cylinder, the small printed text that said as needed for pain, and best of all, the rattling noise when Bonnie shook it. Not just a few pills. Nearly a full bottle. He was salivating, literally, when she handed it to him.
Kelly turned the bottle over in his hands, reading it more carefully. Elise Rivers was the intended recipient. The date was fairly recent. Just a month old. “Is this from when your sister had her wisdom teeth out?”
Bonnie nodded. “Eli took one of them and ended up barfing. The rest should still be in there.”
“Excellent,” Kelly breathed.
“Okay... So is your stump hurting or something because I don’t get this.”
Kelly considered lying, but she was his best friend. One of the many things he loved about Bonnie was how he could be totally honest with her. “They make me feel good.”
“High?”
“Yeah. You know how miserable I’ve been lately. Well, when I first lost my leg, I was pretty damn cheerful about the whole situation. Because of these.” He shook the bottle. “My little friends here want to take me on a nice vacation.”
“It’ll be a short one,” Bonnie said. “Those are the only painkillers in our house. If you’re really that unhappy, maybe you should get to the root of the problem.”
“I know the root. I’m missing a leg and I want it back. What’s the solution?”
Bonnie thought about it. “Okay, I’ve got nothing. Including more pills. What happens when they run out?”
Kelly glanced over at her and smiled wickedly. “Have you had your wisdom teeth out yet?”
“Not a chance!” Bonnie said, eyes widening. “You know how I feel about dentists and doctors. I’m not going under the drill just so you can get high!”
“Worth a shot,” Kelly said, opening the safety lid.
Bonnie put a hand over his to stop him. “Do me a favor and wait until after group. I don’t want you acting all weird. Or barfing while I’m trying to mac on some hottie.”
Kelly considered her and shrugged. He could wait. Just having the pills as an option made him feel happier. Besides, his mood was usually good during group. Everyone there was an outsider—different than the no
rm. When he first showed up after the accident, there had been hugs and relief that the wreck hadn’t cost him his life. That was it. Gay people were survivors by default. They understood how useless pity was. Perseverance was part of the daily grind. So they treated Kelly as they always had. Sure, a few of them tended to fetch things he needed, and Layne kept asking for the unused shoe whenever Kelly bought a new pair. Lord only knew what he did with them all. Most likely he just thought it was funny, and that was fine. On with the show.
Kelly’s spirits remained high throughout the meeting. Keith lectured them on the importance of family, and Bonnie complained about the lack of new lesbians joining. Her months-long dry spell continued. On the drive home she joked about hooking up with a feminine guy instead. “It’s the next best thing,” she insisted. “We won’t be able to do more than dry hump with our clothes on, but I’ll take what I can get at this point.”
Kelly laughed, one hand in his pocket to fondle the little plastic bottle. Bonnie hung out with him and his family for a few hours. Video games, caramel popcorn, and some tunes in her car before she had to go. When she did, Kelly felt so happy he decided he didn’t need the pills. Then he thought of William, wondering if he’d show up for dinner or wait until afterwards. Either way, just the thought of facing him again, of wanting to be perfect for him despite that no longer being possible... The happiness drained from Kelly like he’d been poked full of holes. He went back inside, grabbed a Coke from the fridge, and returned to his room. Once there he considered the pills.
Whatever they had given him after the accident had been strong. Way stronger than what they would prescribe a wispy girl barely in her teens. Kelly decided to double the recommended dose. Popping four pills into his mouth, he put on some music, sat on his bed, and waited. Twenty minutes later he felt an edge of warmth creeping into his system. Half an hour later and his head was humming like an air conditioner on a hot summer day. Kelly rolled onto his back, staring at the ceiling with half-lidded eyes. He felt like he was floating, his body listing gently back and forth. He thought of William, love bursting from his chest with such strength that it was almost overwhelming. The hate was gone. Kelly felt like reaching for his phone to call William, just to hear his voice. He’d apologize for everything. All the bad things. Kelly would excuse himself, and then tell William to hurry back so they could start over again.