“Want me to push her in?” Kelly murmured.
Nathaniel grinned broadly. “Nah. It’s the thought that counts. This time, anyway.”
Dinner was going well, despite taking place at a buffet—a word rarely used in the same sentence as ‘romantic.’ But maybe it should be, since no waiters came to disturb magical moments. They were able to try a little of everything and comment on what they thought. That was nice. Mostly though, Nathaniel seemed interested in talking about movies. He wasn’t a snob who restricted himself to the golden age of Hollywood or obscure indie directors or anything like that. His tastes welcomed everything from low-budget films to the latest blockbusters. Not that he didn’t have strong opinions.
“There’s no point in watching a superhero movie,” he was saying, “because you know the main character isn’t going to die. Sure you might get caught up in the action, but in the back of your mind, you know the hero will emerge victorious. Where’s the suspense? Like a bad sitcom, the end of the story always rushes back to the status quo, paving the way for the next generic installment. You know what I want to see? Let Batman die. Really, really die. No tricks, no resurrections. Just dead. If they want to film another installment, have Robin take up the mantle. That would be cool.”
“What I’d like to see,” Kelly said, twirling a spoon through melting ice cream, “is a black superhero. And I don’t mean cheesy creations like Black Panther, Black Vulcan, Black Lightning, or any other character with ‘black’ in his name. No, I want to see a black actor cast as Spider-Man. Most spiders are brown, not white! Or how about putting the dark into the Dark Knight? Or best of all, let’s make Superman, the face of America, look a little more like the people he represents.”
“I’m pretty sure he’s an alien,” Nathaniel said, eyes sparkling. “But I agree. Superhero movies don’t take chances.”
“Wonder Woman should be Hispanic.”
“And a lesbian.”
“And give her an Irish accent, just to screw with people’s heads.” Kelly sucked on his spoon thoughtfully. “We should make our own movie. Gay superheroes. I’ll star and direct, naturally. I’ll even let you be my sidekick.”
Nathaniel laughed, his gaze lingering. For a guy who had just eaten three full plates of food, he sure looked hungry. “Let’s get out of here,” he suggested.
“Sounds good,” Kelly said. Unless he was reading the signals wrong, things between them were heating up. He went to use the restroom, mostly so he could check his own appearance, and when he came back, he found the bill had already been settled.
“My treat,” Nathaniel said.
“Just like a date?” Kelly asked, grinning shamelessly.
Nathaniel shook his head ruefully, but a hint of a smile betrayed him.
They headed out to the parking lot, Kelly feeling giddy. Once they were both seated in the car, the keys dangling unturned from the ignition, Nathaniel stared at the steering wheel a moment before looking over at Kelly.
“You wanna come home with me?”
Kelly’s body became a nucleus of reactions. He was nervous about being naked and exposed until hormones hit his system, begging him for release. His head felt light, his breath short, and his skin tingled at the idea of Nathaniel touching him. Was this too fast? They hadn’t even kissed yet!
“Yes,” Kelly said, surprised by the sound of his own voice.
“Good.” Nathaniel flashed him a smile, before uncertainty wiped it away. “Listen, I don’t want any mixed signals here. I’m good for a fling. That’s about it.”
Kelly shook his head in confusion. “You think that’s all I’m after?”
“I’m not sure,” Nathaniel said, “which is why I want to clear the air. I’m not the relationship type. I’d love to wake up next to you, but it wouldn’t change anything. I’ll make you breakfast—or maybe Zero will finally master scrambled eggs—and then we’ll carry on just like before. Does that make sense?”
Yes, but it wasn’t what Kelly wanted. Well, he did, because the idea of having sex with Nathaniel and afterwards pressing up against him as they slept... that sounded heavenly. But he also wanted to feel like he belonged to someone. He wanted to talk about their future and argue and make up again and get to know each other so well that being together was irritating and wonderful at the same time. All that good stuff. Not just sex followed by a complimentary breakfast.
“I want more,” he said.
Nathaniel studied him, jaw clenching a moment later. “Then maybe I should take you home.”
“I guess you should.”
The atmosphere in the car turned stuffy and silent. Kelly second-guessed himself a million times during the drive, but always came back to the same conclusion. He wasn’t interested in another one-night stand. Not without a chance of it leading to something more. And yet, when they pulled into his driveway, he felt like taking the consolation prize. Fortunately, he’d never been short on pride.
“Thanks for the evening,” he said, opening the door. “It was a beautiful fantasy.”
Nathaniel didn’t respond. Whatever emotions played out on his face went unseen, because Kelly didn’t even look at him. He just headed for the door, feeling mixed emotions when he heard the car back out and cruise away.
Chapter Eighteen
Another damn studio shoot. Kelly used to love them, since being out in public always came with complications and delays. Now every time he reported to work, he hoped to be dragged out to a theme park or dance club or anywhere that would require someone to manage the chaos. Someone like Nathaniel. Two weeks and four shoots later, Kelly was still trapped in the studio.
Today he was sitting in front of a plate of cake and plastic ice cream. He could smell the sugar, so he knew the cake was real. And a constant source of temptation. The decorative curls of frosting on the edges were blue—his favorite—and he could tell by sight alone it was the super-rich butter cream kind. The cake itself was marbled chocolate and vanilla, the best of both worlds. He would very much like to fall face-first into it, which probably wouldn’t please the photographer, so instead he tried to focus on the plastic ice cream. He supposed it had to be fake so it wouldn’t melt under the studio lights. All around him were beautiful teenage girls, smiling and giggling for the camera. They annoyed Kelly, mostly because they didn’t have to wear a stupid birthday hat. Or the heavy thick-framed glasses these images would advertise.
“No need to scowl, darling,” the photographer said. “It’s your birthday, and you’re not exactly turning forty. Give us a smile!”
Kelly pushed aside his irritation and tried to pretend Marcello had just given him a mansion for his birthday. He’d been grinning so long his jaw was starting to ache when he noticed a familiar figure in one corner of the room. Currently two of the female models had their arms draped around his neck and shoulders—skin sticky from sweat where they touched—which made turning his head difficult. He didn’t really need to. Like a sixth sense, he knew Nathaniel was there. But why? This shoot was straightforward enough. Maybe he was only passing through on his way to more important business.
But no, half an hour later when lunch break was called, Nathaniel was still standing there, staring. His default expression was sort of grumpy, slightly narrowed eyes beneath a strong brow, like he was debating snapping someone’s neck. Now was no different. At least until he winked, which made Kelly want to smile, cry, and scream all at the same time. Instead he headed into the break room.
Someone had bought donuts, the models descending on them like hungry seagulls. He wondered what their secret was. Or maybe, like him, they had been going crazy all morning staring at a piece of cake they couldn’t have. Kelly was reaching for a blue frosted donut when he was interrupted by a voice he had longed to hear.
“How about I take you out for some real food?”
He didn’t look. Instead he pulled back his hand and sighed.
“Or some ice cream?” Nathaniel said. “Of the non-plastic variety.” Kelly glanced ov
er to see a lopsided smile. “If you want to treat me to something, how about an explanation?”
Gravity took hold of Nathaniel’s features. “Fair enough. I’m a jerk. Satisfied?”
“No!” Kelly shouted. “How about you explain why I’m good enough to sleep with, but the idea of being on a date with me makes you squirm.”
Nathaniel glanced around the crowded break room. “Maybe we should talk in my office.”
Kelly shrugged. “Fine.”
Nathaniel led them to the elevator and punched in a code. The ride was short, the doors opening to a dimly lit hallway. At the end of this, Nathaniel unlocked a door and gestured for Kelly to enter. Unlike Marcello’s office, the space wasn’t sprawling. Set on the corner of the building, the office featured adjacent windows which provided light for a large desk. Around it was the usual arrangement of chairs. Kelly went to the desk but remained standing, examining the carefully positioned stacks of paper. Pens and pencils sat in perfectly parallel rows. The keyboard and computer mouse were wireless, preventing clutter. Everything boasted of efficiency. Except for a handful of photos carelessly strewn in the middle of the desk. All of them of Kelly.
Nathaniel quickly leaned forward, arranged them in a stack, and turned them facedown. Then he gestured to one of the windows, where two chairs and a small table awaited.
“I’m fine,” Kelly said.
“It’s going to be a lengthy conversation,” Nathaniel said.
“My lunch break isn’t long.”
“It’s as long as I say it is.”
Oh how Kelly loved it when Nathaniel threw his power around! Trying to hold on to his anger, he headed for the seats. Once they were both settled, Nathaniel leaned forward, elbows on knees, hands clasped together.
“You didn’t do anything wrong,” he said. “You’re damn near perfect, and any guy would be lucky to have you. Including me. That’s not the issue. You’re not the problem. I am.”
Kelly raised an eyebrow. “‘It’s not you, it’s me’? Seriously?” Nathaniel grimaced. “That sounds lame, I know.”
“Then tell me something that doesn’t. And please don’t follow that tired old line with one about a fear of commitment.”
“If that worried me, I wouldn’t be okay with taking care of a dog or being married to this job.” Nathaniel’s eyes darted away. “But I do fear getting hurt, or even worse, hurting someone I care about.”
“That’s love,” Kelly said. “Someone always gets hurt in the end.” Nathaniel looked surprised. “If you really believe that—if you really understand the implications—then I don’t see how you or anyone else could willingly seek out a relationship.”
Kelly cocked his head. “You don’t think the pain is worth it?”
“Have you ever been in love?”
“Yes.”
“And have you ever had your heart broken?”
Kelly shrugged. “Sure.”
“I don’t think you understand,” Nathaniel said. “Have you ever been so devastated by a breakup that you didn’t eat or leave the house or even want to go on living? Has anyone damaged you so completely that you felt broken, inside and out? No rebound, no silver lining, no learning from a bad experience and putting it all behind you. Just pure agonizing hell.”
Kelly swallowed. “I would never do that to you.”
Nathaniel laughed bitterly. “No one ever thinks they will. The guy who hurt me made a lot of promises. We both did. All the pain we put each other through started as love. That’s why it’s so dangerous. The most powerful forces always are. Curiosity and passion drove Rutherford to split the atom, and I have no doubt that in his giddy success, he saw nothing but the potential benefits to mankind. Do you think he ever dreamed of Hiroshima?”
Kelly crossed his arms over his chest. “As bombastic as you might be in bed, I’m pretty sure we won’t be blowing up any cities.”
Nathaniel shook his head. “You don’t understand. Maybe that’s for the best. Or maybe I’m crazy. But I hope I’ve convinced you by now that I’m the problem here. It sounds cliche, but it really is me, not you.”
Kelly clenched his jaw. “So because someone broke your heart, you’re going to spend the rest of your life alone?”
“Why not? I know Hollywood tries to convince everyone that it’s not an option. A movie isn’t complete without an onscreen kiss, apparently. But that’s bullshit. Trust me when I say I’ve given this thought. I even told you when we first met. I don’t need anyone. Neither do you. Nobody does.”
“Then why am I sitting here?”
“Because I still like to have fun, and I really enjoyed hanging out with you. If I were a betting man, I’d wager you’ll never talk to me again once you leave this office. But if there’s any chance of us being friends...”
Kelly dropped his arms and sighed. “Who broke your heart? I’m assuming he has a name.”’
“Caesar.”’
Kelly snorted. “And if I find this Caesar person and beat the living hell out of him, would it make you feel any better?”’
“Nope.”
“What if I bring you his severed head?”’
Nathaniel appeared to mull it over. “Nah.”
Kelly shook his head slowly. “What happened between you two?”’ “The past is the past,” Nathaniel said. “While it might affect the present, there’s no sense dwelling on what can’t be changed.”’
“Right. There’s no way of escaping the past. I get it. But have you tried getting really drunk, or having a good cry in the bathtub? Or doing both at the same time?”’
“Kelly.” Nathaniel said.
“Fine.” He rolled his eyes. “You’re a broken man and there’s no hope for you. Anything else you want to tell me?”’
“I want to know if we can still be friends.”’
Kelly looked him over. Past the handsome face and awesome body, he found plenty to like in Nathaniel. At times they felt like kindred spirits. At others Kelly saw a person he wished he could be more like. Nathaniel had his shit together. Maybe not emotionally, but Kelly admired his unapologetic strength. And his naughty side, which he could only imagine would come out in full force in the bedroom. The most calm, collected guys were always freaks behind closed doors.
Heart, body, and mind, Nathaniel was his kind of guy. Being his buddy and nothing more would only be a constant reminder of what he wanted but couldn’t have. Even just sitting here was torturous. Kelly would gladly give up a year’s wages in exchange for just one kiss.
“I don’t know,” he said at last. “I need to think.”’
Nathaniel’s features became strained, but he nodded. “Let me take you to lunch. We’ll see how that goes.”’
“No,” Kelly said, pushing himself up. “I’d rather get this photo shoot over with. And afterwards, no matter how stale it has become, I’m eating that goddamned piece of cake.”’
“He’s such a jerk.”’
“Most people don’t sigh dreamily when saying that.” Allison Cross peered at him. “Or get a little sweaty and flustered.”
“I’m not flustered,” Kelly countered. “It’s the heat.”
They both paused, listening to the air conditioner steadily blowing cool air through Allison’s office.
“Maybe it’s menopause,” Kelly tried. “Hot flashes?”
“If that’s the case,” Allison said, “then you need to see a medical doctor, not a counselor.”
“Okay, so he’s a jerk and I love it. I used to be dating the nicest guy in the world. Then he exploded with pent-up aggression and sent us spiraling into traffic, so I think I’ll take my chances with someone who openly vents. Or at least I would if he’d let me.”
“Mm-hm.” Allison’s pen scribbled on her yellow pad of paper.
“You sure are taking a lot of notes this time.”
“Oh, I’m not taking notes,” she said. “I’m doodling.”
“You’re doodling?”
“Yup.” She glanced up, appearing shameless. br />
“I’m paying for this session, you know. Not my parents.”
“You can afford it,” Allison said. “I saw one of your magazine ads, by the way. Very sexy.”
“Thanks,” Kelly said without sounding grateful, “but maybe you can set aside your artistic impulses and give me some advice.”
“Donkey with a jet pack!” Allison said, holding up the drawing. Then she tossed the pad of paper on the coffee table and grew serious. “Listen, the reason I’m not hanging on your every word is because men like Nathaniel are a dime a dozen. They all have a different sob story or some bulletproof reason for not settling down, but it all boils down to them not wanting to commit. You came here for advice, but I already know you aren’t going to take it.”
“Try me,” Kelly said.
“Run away,” Allison said. “Turn around and run so far in the opposite direction that you never have to see him again. Find some smoking-hot boy without all the baggage, fall in love, and never look back.”
Kelly bit his lip. “What’s Plan B?”
Allison reached for her paper. “Donkey with a jet pack gets a space helmet.”
“Please!”
“Fine.” Allison looked at him squarely and shook her head. “I’ll tell you what you need to do, but you also have to listen to what I know will happen.”
“Deal,” Kelly said eagerly. “So what’s the magic spell?”
“He was willing to sleep with you, right? I’m assuming that hasn’t changed. You’ve shown him it’s all or nothing, but what you should do is ease him into the idea. Be his buddy, keep being eye candy, take things further than you would with any ordinary friend, and when you have him more hooked than ever, reel him in.”
“You think I should sleep with him?”’
“I think you should get him in a relationship without calling it that. We spend time with our friends, we confide in them, we rely on them. Love is certainly there too, but when you add sex to the equation, everything changes. Usually. Some people can be casual with their bodies without consequence, in which case, you’ll end up hurt.”’
“Or maybe he’ll wake up one day and realize he’s already in love with me,” Kelly said.