She took a deep breath, tamping down her anger. “I would appreciate it if—”
“Just shut up and listen. I saw it yesterday. She saluted you when you won your red medal. She’s a scholar—a templar—and she gave you a warrior’s salute.”
“I saw it,” she said quietly. “Thank Fahla Bai didn’t.”
“Maybe she wouldn’t worry so much if she had.”
“She’d still worry.”
He nodded. “They worry about both of us, you know. They’ll never stop. But I don’t think they need to worry about you and Lead Templar Satran, because I saw her afterwards, too. At the vallcat den.”
Frowning, she said, “I didn’t.”
“You hardly saw anything. I don’t know what I expected when we got down there, but it wasn’t you shouting orders. You had just thrown away the championship—literally thrown it away—and it was like you didn’t even care.”
“Oh, I cared. It just wasn’t what I was thinking about at the time.”
“That was obvious. You were standing there like Fahla’s chosen warrior, protecting those vallcat kittens, and Lead Templar Satran was watching you. I saw it, VC. She was watching you like she had never seen you before. Like she had just realized she made a mistake.”
She stopped. “Why are you telling me this?”
He turned to face her. “Because I was a dokker’s backside yesterday and I don’t want to be like that. We may never be friends, but we’re family. And…” He shrugged. “Maybe someday I want someone to look at me like that.”
She stared at him, letting her senses sink through his outermost barrier in an emotional skim.
He was telling the truth.
“She told me she didn’t want anything more than what I gave her on that bonding break,” she said.
“Maybe she didn’t—then. Maybe she changed her mind.” With another shrug, he added, “I know something about the way changing location can change how you feel.”
For the first time in their lives, she looked at him and saw an adult. “I do, too. Coming here from Koneza changed everything for me.”
“Did you, um…” He rubbed the back of his neck and looked off into the trees. “Did you Share?”
“No. And she never dropped her front.”
He met her eyes then. “So, a vacation joining. Fun for everyone, for as long as the vacation lasted. And she thought that was all it would be, but now she’s thinking again.”
“I can’t believe I’m having this conversation with you.”
“I can’t either. Shall we get back to talking about those two blue medals of yours?”
She punched him lightly in the shoulder, then set off down the path again. “I’m proud of those two blues, because I was competing against the world champion. To be honest, I would have hated it if I’d won all four reds.”
“I don’t think Ba would have,” he mused. “She seemed just as happy to see you win as she was to win herself. Must be a parent thing.”
As they walked along in silence, Vellmar stole side-glances at him. She could hardly believe this was her brother. Maybe he really had grown up.
“I’m impressed by your pilot certification,” she said. “That was a lot of work and effort. They don’t give those away to anyone who applies.”
“Thank you.”
But he did not look at her, and when she skimmed him again, her brows furrowed. “You don’t feel as happy as I would expect.”
He picked up another twig and began systematically destroying it. “I wanted to be a rescue diver. Piloting was my second choice.”
“What happened to your first choice?”
“I wasn’t good enough,” he said bitterly. “I couldn’t pass the test to get into the training program.”
“That doesn’t mean you weren’t good enough. It just means diving isn’t what you’re best at.”
He threw away the last pieces with such vigor that they bounced off a nearby tree trunk. “Easy for you to say. You would have passed it.”
“Jerran, you need to stop thinking of me as the perfect older sister. I’ll always be older, but I was never perfect. I just worked hard.”
“I could have worked for a cycle and still not passed that test. And now Bai and Ba and even you are telling me I should be proud, and I am, but…it’s still the same old story, isn’t it? I’m still settling for second best.”
She reached for his arm and stopped him. He glanced up at her, his mouth tight, then looked away again.
“Do you know why I carry a sword instead of a disruptor?” she asked.
He shrugged. “Because you’re a champion blade handler.”
“And the second reason?”
He shrugged again.
“Because I’m not a good shot. I just don’t have a feel for it, and I don’t like them as a weapon. Disruptors feel heavy and bulky and…and wrong to me. So I could practice for a cycle and become a mediocre shot, or I could practice for the same cycle at something I’m already good at and get even better. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
“Not really. But I know you’re trying to make a point.”
“Piloting is what you’re good at. You could practice for a cycle and be an average diver, or take that same cycle and turn yourself into an excellent pilot. And as a Lead Guard, I would choose the excellent pilot over the average diver. That’s what those tests are for. They’re not just about screening out the losers. They’re about finding the winners. You won the test for the pilot training. And then you studied for a cycle, and now you’re a pilot. That’s not second best.”
There was hope in his eyes as he stared at her. “Do you really believe that? Or are you just saying it because I told you about Lead Templar Satran?”
She held up her hand in invitation and interlaced their fingers when he met it.
“I believe that,” she said. “And thank you for telling me about Lanaril.”
A smile brightened his face as he felt her sincerity. “You’re welcome. Thanks for the, um, Lead Guard talk. I’m a little sorry I told Gehrain about your nickname now.”
Chuckling, she let go and resumed their walk. “It was bound to get out someday. And as nicknames go, it could be worse.”
“It could be a lot worse. Vallcat.”
“Shut up.”
He laughed and bumped her with his shoulder, and as they walked to the path that would take them back to the gate, she thought maybe it wasn’t just Jerran who had grown up.
CHAPTER 19:
Nickname
“I want to be called Vallcat,” Milena announced. “Or VC.”
Jandahar was ready for this one. “When you save a vallcat’s life and tame it, we will all call you that. Vellmar earned that name. That’s why she was so proud of it.”
Milena sighed. “It’s not fair. There aren’t any vallcats in Napoline. They don’t like the ocean.”
“Then perhaps you will need to travel.” He rubbed her small shoulder. “Vellmar didn’t set out to earn that name. It was given to her as a tribute for her deeds. Perhaps someday you will do something very special and be given a name as a result. And it will mean much more because it was a gift from others, rather than something you asked for.”
As she sighed again, clearly not convinced, Harren said, “Will you tell us about the Voloth at the Games?”
“That’s a different story, Harren.”
“But it was the same Games.”
“Yes, but we’re telling the story of Vellmar, and she had nothing to do with that. The Voloth was competing in one of the shooting competitions.”
“And he won, and people were upset about it!”
“Again, that’s not the story we’re telling tonight. You won’t trick me into letting you stay up later.”
He burrowed deeper into his blankets, dismayed at having his in
tentions exposed. “I just wanted to hear it.”
“Next story time will be your turn, and you can request it then.” Jandahar reached out to tweak his blankets straight. “Now, back to the story we are telling.”
CHAPTER 20:
A few new things
The last day of the Games was the best. Vellmar could not remember when the four of them had been so companionable. It felt like a day out with friends, but with all the richness of family history. They laughed, told jokes no one else would understand, and had many moments of “do you remember” that made her heart ache as she watched her mothers packing that evening.
“I wish you weren’t leaving so soon,” she said.
“Well, at least we finally got that tour of the State House,” Linzine teased. She folded a tunic and set it in her bag. “But we have so enjoyed our time here.”
“And this day was…special,” Khasa added. “We’ve waited a long time for it.”
“I knew it would be special when we woke up this morning and realized the city detention center hadn’t called.”
“Or the cold room at the healing center.”
Vellmar shook her head as they laughed together. “I’m glad you’re so amused.”
Khasa stepped over and kissed her cheek. “It’s not amusement, Fianna. It’s happiness.”
“And a sense of accomplishment.” Linzine was not done teasing. “Our jobs are finally finished. We can relax.”
“Ha,” Vellmar said. “As a substitute mother to a passel of vallcat kittens, I can tell you that you’ll never relax until someone else takes over your job. And I don’t see that happening any time soon.”
“Listen to the sudden expert.” Khasa elbowed her bondmate. “A mother for all of two days. And to babies that tear apart carcasses.”
“Didn’t I do that as a baby?” Vellmar asked.
Linzine chuckled. “Very nearly. And speaking of experts…” She picked up a case emblazoned with the Global Games championship emblem. “I believe this is yours.”
Stunned, Vellmar opened the case and gazed at the beautifully crafted blade belt nestled within, its red buckle proclaiming its wearer the champion blade handler of Alsea. She lifted it from the padded bed and looked questioningly at her birthmother.
“I’ve been staring at that belt for the past three days,” Linzine said. “And each day I thought the same thing. You won it. That last throw of yours was sensational. I could not have duplicated it in fifty attempts. I don’t care what the judges say, you’re the champion now. And I’ve never been so proud of you.”
Vellmar swallowed the lump in her throat. With great care, she folded the belt back into the case, closed the lid, and held it out. “Your pride is the award I want, Bai. But this isn’t mine. The judges chose the right person.”
“Fianna—”
“No, listen. I was at the end of my endurance in that event. You had to calm me down, remember? The noise, the pressure, all those unshielded people… I lost my focus. You were the better competitor. You were just as calm and focused in the final event as you were in the first one. So it doesn’t matter how good my last throw was. The truth is that I was done, and you were still battling.” She smiled. “But you’ll need to watch your back next cycle, because I won’t be a tender newbie anymore.”
Linzine accepted the case with an answering smile. “I look forward to the competition.” She tucked it into her bag, hesitated, then looked up with a serious expression. “Now I’m afraid we must speak to you about the one topic we’ve been avoiding. You seem to have managed the end of your affair with the Lead Templar well enough to escape any problems, but your friendship with the Bondlancer is another issue altogether.”
Vellmar silently thanked Jerran for his unexpected discretion. “I’ll be careful.”
“That might not be enough,” Khasa said. “Duty and honor are not just ideals. They’re also your protection against the venomous zalrens infesting this city and the games they play.”
“I know that. But I also know that a person I admire, who deserves nothing but the best, has offered me her friendship. Am I to throw it back in her face because I fear what others might make of it? I like her, Ba. She has already been a good friend to me.”
“And what happens when you fall from her favor? You cannot treat this like any other friendship. If this one goes bad, your career goes with it.”
“Do you honestly think I haven’t considered that? I’ve held her at the ends of my fingertips for exactly that reason, but that’s a poor way to treat a friend—punishing her in advance for something she might never do.” She saw Linzine opening her mouth and held up a hand. “I understand why you’re worried, and if I didn’t know Salomen, I’d probably think the same thing. But she’s not a fickle member of the Blacksun elite. She hates that mentality as much as we do. She’s a producer, as true and solid as any of our friends, and yet look where she is. How is she ever to find honest friends of her own if everyone she meets sees her only as the Bondlancer? She doesn’t use her power as a weapon. I think the only way I could lose her favor would be if I failed in my duty, and in that event I wouldn’t deserve it anyway.”
“She may be a producer,” Khasa said, “but power changes those who hold it.”
“But it can only change a person within the constraints of their heart. Salomen’s heart is not that small.”
“You’re very protective of her,” Linzine observed.
“I’ve felt that way since almost the moment I met her. She had so little idea of what her title truly meant. She knows more now, but…yes, I worry about her. And I don’t want you to judge her the way everyone else does. She deserves better.”
Her mothers looked at each other, then back at her.
“You said the same thing about Lead Templar Satran,” Khasa said.
“And it was true for her, too.”
Linzine sighed. “Fianna, you’re a good and true friend, and your defense does you credit. But Bondlancer Opah is not the only one in this picture, and Lancer Tal is a member of the Blacksun elite. Her favor may not be as solid as you believe the Bondlancer’s to be.”
“I know. That’s why I asked her about it.”
“You—” She stopped. “You what?”
“I asked her. No one can be a perfect friend, so I asked her what she would do if I ever hurt Salomen, by word or deed.”
“You asked the Lancer… Great Goddess above. What did she say?”
“She promised not to let my friendship with Salomen affect her professional relationship with me. And before you ask, yes, I believe she’ll keep that promise. If I didn’t believe in her integrity, then how could I give her my public oath?”
For a moment, neither of her mothers could find their voices.
“You have bigger horns than even your birthmother,” Khasa finally said. “Sweet shekking sunrise, you put your career on the edge of a blade, just for…for…” She sputtered to a halt.
“For a clear view of the field. I am not going into this blind.”
“And are you truly that comfortable with your view?” Linzine asked.
“Of course not.” She looked at Khasa. “I’m in the deeper waters now, and I’m learning to swim. But that’s how we grow, isn’t it?”
Once again her mothers had a silent conversation together. Linzine nodded slowly, and Khasa turned back to Vellmar.
“It does seem that your eyes are wide open. We can only hope that those who hold your trust are deserving of it. But the Lancer obviously respects you, and I must admit that watching our Bondlancer butcher a field digger makes me think she’s not quite what I had believed.”
“You should have been there today, then. She made me do it, and I made a bloody mess of it. It looked easy when she did it, but…ugh. It’s not at all. Not even with her instructing me every step of the way.” She grimaced at the memory of her fing
ers digging into those soft, slimy organs. “And it’s disgusting. But at least she enjoyed herself. She says warriors have an inordinate fondness for blades despite never using them for anything practical.”
Khasa laughed. “She has a point there. Perhaps you should tell her that isn’t true for all warriors. Just the obsessed ones.”
“A producer would certainly have a different idea of practical use, wouldn’t she?” Linzine mused. “What an interesting pair they make. I wonder what drew them together? They’re from such different worlds.”
“Linzine,” Khasa said in an admonishing tone. “Really. They’re tyrees. Fahla chose them.”
“And Salomen gave up so much because of Fahla’s choice,” Vellmar added. “I’ve seen it. I won’t be one more thing she has to give up.”
With a sigh, Linzine said, “Well, we did raise you to trust your own instincts. I suppose it would be hypocritical of us to argue against it any further when your instincts are speaking so loudly to you. I’ll try not to worry so much.”
“If you must worry, worry about my reputation,” Vellmar said, attempting to lift the mood. “If the teasing I’ve taken from my unit for the past two days is any indication, I’ll spend at least the next cycle living these Games down.”
“Then they’ve accepted you. They wouldn’t tease you otherwise. That’s good to know. Well, daughter…” Linzine raised her palms.
Vellmar intertwined their fingers, happily absorbing the unstinting love that came through their physical touch, and leaned in to kiss her cheek. Khasa was waiting when she turned, a sad smile on her face as they touched palms and kissed.
“It has been such a wonderful few days.” Khasa squeezed their hands. “I don’t want it to end. But you’re in a good place, Fianna. And you’ve earned every bit of it. Just…be careful, please.”
“I will.”
Jerran was waiting for them at the entrance of the inn, and the four of them walked to the magtran station together. After a final good-bye in the lobby, Vellmar turned toward one magtran while her family walked to another. It felt lonely sitting by herself. The warm and loving presence of her mothers, and even of Jerran, had made Blacksun seem more like home, but now the melancholy was settling in. It was the one hardship of a warrior’s life that she had never reconciled herself to: the constant shifting of bases, units, and friendships. Gehrain had once told her that Lancer Tal kept good warriors forever, and his own six-cycle stint as Lead Guard seemed to bear that out. She could only hope that doing her best would be sufficient, because more than anything else, she did not want to start over again in a different place.