He wasn’t sure how long they’d been there, but when he heard her stomach growl, he realized they hadn’t eaten anything. “Sweetheart, let’s go get you some food.”
She didn’t respond and he had to look down at her face to see if she was awake. Her eyes were open, but they were staring unblinking at nothing.
“Alison,” he said again, but she didn’t blink. “Look at me, babe.” He saw no signs of life, as if she couldn’t hear him.
Johnny gave up and wrapped his arms back around her, pulling her closer and resting his cheek on her hair. He watched as the room grew dark and wondered if they were missing anything by not being downstairs. He wanted to hear everything that was happening in the investigation, but he didn’t want to leave Ali alone. Then again, he didn’t think he had the strength or energy to contribute anything, which would only put him in the way of the people that were able to help.
The longer he lay there, the more he thought about his life and how everything had unraveled for him over the years. By anyone else’s standards, he should have been in prison or dead, but somehow he’d managed to pull himself out of the pattern of the people around him. His hometown, the small, but hard neighborhood in West Nashville had a way of producing troublemakers and Johnny had been one of the worst.
One day he just woke up. Woke up and decided he didn’t want to be the bad guy, he wanted to be the good guy, and wanted to make his dead parents proud. So he joined the Marines to the shock of his aunt and uncle. He’d served his tour then went home to go to college and join the Police Academy. When he returned, most of his friends were already in jail and by the time he started full time with Nashville Metro he felt like a complete outsider. He moved downtown to start over and tried to be the best cop possible.
When he met and started seeing Lisa, he thought he had a future, but then she’d betrayed him. After that he’d almost completely given up on life. By this time, the few friends he had left from his childhood had treated him like he had the plague. He trudged through and threw himself into the job, focusing on being the good detective and giving up on any personal life…then he received that call from Brian Hammel.
He looked down at Ali then around the room. The darkness was turning to light again. Ali’s eyes were still open and staring blankly.
“Where are you, sweetheart?” He put his hand under her chin and lifted her head up. When he saw the darkness in her eyes it scared the life out of him. It was as if she’d checked out completely.
“Please talk to me,” he begged. “I need to hear your voice.” She didn’t stir and if her chest hadn’t been moving up and down from her breathing, he’d of thought she was dead. Her pale skin, dry lips, and frozen, unfeeling—unfocused eyes, shook his soul.
“Don’t do this—do not do this, Alison. Micah needs you to stay strong. You need to remember to breathe in and out. You need to eat and you need to snap out of this funk.”
She just stared at him.
Johnny leaned in and kissed her, his hands tangling in her long hair and tugging it gently until he got a response out of her.
When she gave in to his kiss, he deepened it and moved over her, sucking, nipping and tracing her lips with his tongue. She was lifting to him now, seeking his mouth and moving toward him. Johnny felt her skin grow warm and come to life under him. He took a chance and opened his eyes to look at her face, tears spilled from her closed lids. Johnny moved to her cheeks and kissed them away.
“I would do anything to ease this,” he whispered. “Anything. Tell me what to do.”
Ali shook her head and pushed him away, then put her hands over her face, turning from him and bringing her knees to her chest.
“Don’t, Ali. Please—don’t turn away from me.”
When she didn’t respond, he scooped up her limp, lifeless body and carried her to her bed. When he laid her down, she pushed at him again.
“Stop pushing me away.”
Ali turned, ignoring him and going back to her blank stare. Johnny tried to look at her face, but she pushed him away again, closing her eyes this time. He placed his hand on her hip and tugged her, again she just pushed at his hands.
“No!” He grabbed her wrists and turned her, holding her against the bed. “No—no! You don’t get to shut me out. No!” he shouted in her face. “I love him too, Ali.”
Ali’s eyes finally met his, her lips turning into a deep frown. “Don’t act like you know how this feels…you don’t know.” Her voice was cold, and uncaring.
Johnny gritted his teeth. “Don’t act like you know what I’ve been through in my life—don’t act like you’re the only person here in pain.”
Ali closed her eyes tight and whispered, “I hate you.”
“No,” Johnny gritted his teeth. “Don’t say that.” He squeezed his eyes closed and turned his face away from her. “That won’t work. I’m not leaving.”
“I hate you,” she said again.
Johnny shook his head wanting to put his hands over his ears to block her out. “Telling me you hate me will not chase me away. I would rather you feel hatred than be numb.”
“Just kill me.” Her voice was so cold, Johnny had to whip around to see her face. Her eyes were open and emotionless.
Slowly, her eyebrows drew together and the word please brushed out from between her lips.
The look cut Johnny through. He framed her face with his hands. “Baby, you’ll live through this.”
“I don’t want to live through losing my son.”
“We. Are. Not. Losing Micah.”
Ali closed her eyes. “Just leave, please.”
“No. I will not let you harm yourself.” A bead of sweat trickled down the back of his neck. The anxiety coursing through his system reminded him of facing down an armed suspect in a standoff. Fear, anger, and something akin to grief was pushing him to lose his grip.
He had to focus.
Swiping his forehead against his upper arm, he cleaned off the layer of sweat forming. He needed to clear his head for a minute and focus on fighting for Micah and Ali.
“…ask the doctor to come back…sedate me.” Her voice wavered, and tears slid out from beneath her closed lids. “I don’t want this gnawing—eating me from the inside out pain. Take it away.”
Johnny thumbed the tears off her face and leaned in, resting next to her, cheek to cheek. If he felt so completely empty, how had she felt? She was right. He didn’t understand what it was like. He had never imagined anything being harder than losing his parents, but now, he wasn’t so sure.
“You need to take the edge off. Is that what you need, baby?” He lifted up to see her face. “Just something to help with the pain?”
She nodded and more tears dropped down her face and into her hair. “Please.”
Johnny took her hands and stretched them out over the bed. He kissed her with so much heat it sucked the breath out of him.
When his hips nudged against hers, she turned her face from his. But she couldn’t deter him. He continued to kiss his way down her jaw line.
“Johnny, don’t…”
“Shh, trust me, sunshine. I’ll take the edge off.”
When his teeth found her nipple protruding from beneath her thin shirt, she cried out. “Johnny, I can’t, I… don’t…”
He lifted his mouth to hers in an attempt to shut her up. Her skin warmed against his and her cheeks pinked, a sign he was golden. He rubbed against her again and felt the slight prod back.
“Trust me, sweet, I’ve got you. Leave it to me.” His shaking hands couldn’t grasp the buttons on her shirt so he grabbed the collar and tugged them loose until her shirt was completely undone.
His need for her intensified, she was the cure to save him from a long suffering disease. The urgency drove him to a troubling point, but he wouldn’t turn back. He
yanked the button of her pants and tugged them from her body, while his mouth, lips, teeth and tongue continued to travel her skin.
Johnny fumbled with his own clothes for a minute, before stopping and taking a deep breath. Relax, just calm down and relax. His hands shook and his heart beat painfully in his chest. Once he got his clothes off, he stared at Ali’s pale body, the remaining bruises standing out boldly. He reached out for her, his hand jittering as it rested on her cheek. Her eyes opened and the emptiness of her gaze was startling.
He had to bring her back, make her feel something before he lost her. He missed the golden glow of her skin and the shine of her eyes. It was as if she were fading before him and he was powerless to stop it.
He moved over her, sliding his hand between her thighs. She grew wet slowly, and eventually lifted to his touch. He was pushing her for too much too soon, but he needed to make her feel something other than despair.
He flipped her onto her stomach and gripped her waist, lifting her to him. Her bare back rested against his naked chest. He held her for a moment, his lips resting on her shoulder, enjoying the taste of her, and the scent he’d missed so much.
She shuddered and inclined further back, snuggling into his arms. Johnny held her tight with his hands on her breasts and moved into her, gently at first, then harder and faster until she cried out and pushed against him.
“I’ve got you, sweet Alison. Oh God…” He needed her more than he had realized. The last few days of loneliness and fear slipped away as his tension faded.
Johnny pushed her back down on the bed and pulled her hips again, lifting her rear in the air. He wouldn’t slow down until her tension gave too. Her body curved and she dropped her head, crying out as she climaxed. He fought not to come with her. She needed more. He kept pushing until she clutched the sheets. He threaded his hand in her long mane of blond hair and pulled her head as she arched her back. She grew tighter and he couldn’t hold back any longer.
Johnny collapsed on the bed and drew her into his arms. It took him several minutes to catch his breath and he could feel her quick breaths brush his chest. Damn it, he shouldn’t have pushed her. He deserved for her to throw him out.
He ached for her like nothing he’d ever felt before. How had he gotten through his life until now without her? What would he do if he lost her…and Micah? He stroked his hand down her back and lay silent, praying she didn’t hold it against him. The air in the room grew heavy and sweat popped up again on his forehead. He glanced down at her. She was staring into his chest, her face content, her lids heavy.
“Are you okay?” he asked. “Did I hurt you?”
She lifted her hand and stroked his bare chest. “No. Did I hurt you?” she whispered.
Johnny lay quiet for a long time, not sure how to answer. Honestly, yes, those words ‘I hate you’ were akin to a hot branding iron on his heart even when said in desperation. He tugged her closer and said, “I’m just glad you’re back to life. You scared me.” He couldn’t care what she said before. The words didn’t compare to the pain over her missing child.
“I’m sorry I scared you,” she said. “I don’t deserve to have you, I don’t deserve this.”
“Yes, you do, stop with the guilt. What happened to Micah is not your fault.”
“This has to get easier right? It can’t possibly get any harder.”
“I don’t know, but I’ll help you. If you’ll let me.” He squeezed her tighter. “We’ll get through this together.”
“I’m sorry…this is hard for you too.”
“It’s harder when you don’t let me help you. Stop pushing me away and let me take care of you.”
She turned and cupped his face in her hands and kissed his lips gently. “Thank you.”
Ali watched Johnny eat while waiting for her food. She honestly couldn’t remember the last time they’d eaten. Her days were blurred together, a mix of confusion and sorrow. Pain. Even sleep didn’t bring relief to the pain she felt when she thought about her baby. Never in her life had Ali felt so helpless. She closed her eyes and tried to inhale a steady breath, pins and needles attacked her senses, the numbness from laying in one place for so long fading completely, now she just felt exhausted. She had no idea of the day…or the time and she didn’t really care. It seemed to her, counting the days only made everything more excruciating.
After she and Johnny finished eating, they sat at the table staring at each other, waiting for news. She looked around the room at the other faces also waiting. Mark, Brian, even Agent Simms looked exhausted.
Agent Peters and Melissa were gone…she had a faint memory of Julie being there before also…but she couldn’t be sure. Before Ali had a chance to ask, the dining room door swung open and Melissa stepped in, her face pale and drawn.
“What is it?” Brian asked.
“They’ve identified the body,” she said, her voice trembling. “Agent Peters is on his way back here.”
“It’s about damn time,” Mark said.
“How do you know?” Brian asked.
“They just showed him leaving the Coroner’s office on the live news coverage.”
Ali swallowed hard and looked at Johnny, but he looked just as withdrawn as she felt. She turned back to see Melissa’s face crumple and tears seep from her eyes. Ali’s heart raced at the sight of Melissa’s tears. What if it was Micah? She stared, unable to stand and comfort her sister, unable to move at all.
Brian wrapped his arms around Melissa and held her while she cried. “Lis, shh…stop crying. It’s going to be okay,” he said trying to sooth her. “I’m sure it’s not Micah.”
“You don’t know that,” Melissa cried and Ali lost the slight grip of control she had too.
Her hands started to tremble and the food she’d just ate was turning in her stomach. “What if it is Micah, they wouldn’t have told us over the phone. Peters would tell us in person.”
“It’s not!” Brian’s voice was raised, but he waved Mark down, who was pacing now. “It’s not, come on, hold it together, guys. Don’t do this,” he said against Melissa’s shoulder. He sat Melissa down in the nearest chair and with a shaky voice said, “Just relax and think positive here—damn it—send good vibes. What’s the word—ju-ju, we need some good ju-ju.” He looked up at the ceiling then he started pacing the room too.
“Ju-Ju,” Melissa snorted through her tears.
Johnny chuckled. “And he said I was a mess.”
Brian shot a finger at Johnny. “Shut up, Bennett!”
The dining room door opened slowly and they all turned as Agent Peters peeked around the corner. “So?” Melissa said impatiently as Peters inched into the room.
“What the hell, Peters?” Brian asked.
Bill Peters shook his head. “It’s not Micah.”
A collective gasp sounded throughout the room and at the same time, Ali bent over gasping for air. Johnny grabbed her and pulled her to him in a tight embrace.
“Oh my gosh,” Ali breathed with a quivering voice. “Oh thank God.”
“It’s not him, sweetheart,” Johnny whispered with his face buried in her hair. When Johnny pulled back, Ali turned toward Agent Peters and her heart sank a little more. “It’s not right to celebrate,” she said wiping her face. “This wasn’t my baby, but it was somebody’s. Do you know who he was?”
“We’re not sure. He was very small, only a few weeks old. We’re running on two assumptions. Abandonment; someone could have left him to die there alone…or he died of natural causes and the mother was too scared to take him to the hospital.” He looked down at his feet then back up at their appalled faces. “We’re sincerely hoping for the second.”
“Wow,” Ali said. “My baby was stolen to be sold on the black market while other babies are being abandoned and left to die.” She covered her face with her hands a
gain. “What is this world coming too?”
“Sweetheart, let’s focus on the positive.” Johnny grabbed her wrist and pulled her hands from her face. “It wasn’t Micah, which means, he’s still out there.”
Ali nodded but she couldn’t stop the tears as they fell from her eyes. She had nothing left to give, nothing left to feel and nothing left to think about, but the constant emptiness in her heart.
“Let me take you upstairs so you can lie down,” Johnny said.
Ali dropped her hands and followed him up, hoping to succumb to the numbness and stop feeling.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Ali turned to see Brian and Melissa standing in the doorway of her bedroom. She’d only been lying down for a couple of hours. The sun was starting to set and the room was growing dark. They didn’t sleep, couldn’t after the long hours spent fearing Micah dead. She and Johnny had just lay there in silence, holding each other, longing for the ordeal to be over and to have Micah back home. Johnny turned when they entered too, sitting up when they approached the bed.
Melissa clicked the light switch and Ali said, “What’s going on?” Their expressions—both of their expressions—made her heart jump out of her chest. “Has something happened?”
“We have some news,” Brian said and a smile lit his face.
Ali gripped her chest and tried to breathe, but the air got stuck in her lungs.
Brian approached her with his hand outstretched. “Breathe, guys, it’s a positive development.”
“Come on, just tell us what?” Johnny said, lifting his feet over the side of the bed and dropping them on the floor. “Brian, what the hell is going on?”
“Newman got a call on the hotline from a firehouse in Sac. The Chief there says he got a baby dropped off a while ago. They thought he was a safe surrender, but just in case they called the hotline.” He held up his phone. “He texted a picture”—Brian’s smile widened—“Sure as hell looks a lot like our little Micah.”