“I imagine you’re referring to the BBC’s version of Pride and Prejudice? It just so happens to be a classic, you know.” I shook my head and crossed my arms over my chest.
“The BBC can shove it,” he responded. “Whatever the hell that was, it sucked huge cojones!” He finished with a chuckle that undulated through his belly like waves, making his stomach look like it was generating its own tide. Glancing over at Delilah, he elbowed her in the arm and asked, “Don’t you agree, Dee?” before adding, “Like los grandes cojones.”
Dee just shrugged, suggesting she wasn’t taking sides. “I don’t care what we watch,” she chimed with a happy smile. Then, eyeing both of us before patting Bill on the back, she added, “I’m just so glad to have you both back.”
“Ah, us too, sugar lips,” Bill said with a broad smile that revealed something green, which was stuck between his front teeth. Gently patting her on the upper thigh before returning his attention to the television, he continued switching through the channels ceaselessly.
There was no mention as to when Delilah intended to move back into her house in Barcelona, but I wasn’t ready to push it. Truthfully, I didn’t really care how long she stayed with us; and so far, it was working out great. She kept Bill occupied when I lacked the patience as well as the interest to entertain him.
“Now that’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout,” Bill commented as he flicked to the next channel. Delilah and I were visually assaulted at the sight of a man ramming a woman from behind. She was bent over in front of him, and he was growling while she was screaming.
“Bill!” we both protested at exactly the same time.
Naturally, he didn’t change the channel. Instead, he cocked his head to the side and studied the television screen as if he were trying to etch it into memory. “Dude’s totally got bull balls!” he declared as the woman’s loud screams drowned out his voice.
“Bill, change it this instant!” I ordered loudly.
“No, I’m serious, his balls are like, massive! As in Ripley’s Believe It Or Not! And, damn, girlfriends, I’m believin’ what I’m seein’!”
“Bill!” I screamed again, but was totally ignored. It was all he could do to stare at and study the man’s genitalia.
“Frickin’ things are totally hung super low too, just like a bull’s! Those things must reach his knees!” he ranted, as if Delilah or I even cared. Then he scrutinized the woman, turning his head in the other direction. “She’s just okay lookin’. Her titties are so small, though, they look like innies,” he added as his smile broadened even wider and he slapped his thigh. “Dude, she’s sansplants!”
“Bill!” I yelled at him for the third time as Delilah jumped up onto her feet and started for the kitchen, apparently having had enough.
“Come on!” he howled back at me. “That was a good one! Sansplants! You get it?”
“Yes, I get it!” I replied before shooting out of my chair and lurching for the power button on the TV. I managed to reach it in record time, thereby saving Delilah and myself any further images of the man with gigantic bull balls (and they really were massive). Thankfully, there was nothing left to ogle, but the calm modesty of a black screen.
Thank God.
“Why you gotta be like that?” Bill demanded angrily. Shaking his head, he held the remote control out in front of him, trying to turn the TV on again. However, I purposely blocked it with my body and consequently, the remote wouldn’t work.
“You, out!” I shouted at him while pointing toward the front door. “You’ve been stuck inside this house since we got back, and you’ve done nothing! It’s time for you to go outside and take a walk! Just do something!”
“’Fraid not, dude, I suffer from FOGO,” Bill replied, shaking his head. He wrapped his arms around himself and sunk even further into the couch.
“What’s that?” I demanded.
“Fear. Of. Going. Out, yo,” he answered with a deep sigh. “It’s a serious condition,” he mumbled as he averted his eyes to the ground, apparently feeling sorry for himself. “It’s right up there with necrophobia, the abnormal fear of dying, which I also suffer from.”
“Out!” I yelled again while picking up a throw pillow. I swatted his legs with it until he pulled them off the ottoman. “And as to your necrophobia, you can’t die! So what reason could you have to be afraid of something that doesn’t even apply to you!” I finished as I dropped the pillow and reached for his chubby hands, trying to force him to stand up. Bill was so heavy, however, that it was like trying to move a parked car.
“Dude, come on, nerdlet!” he whined, shaking his head. “Please don’t make me go outside! I just wanna hang out here an’ eat somethin’.”
“You’ve already consumed everything in this house! We just went grocery shopping a few days ago,” I reminded him as I stood up straight, propping my hands on my hips. Shaking my head at him, I gave him my sternest expression. “You are going to go take a walk and you aren’t coming back for two hours, at least!”
“Fine!” He dropped the remote on the couch and stood up, glowering at me all the while. “Who died and appointed you Hitler?”
“Go!” I yelled as I pointed to the front door again.
“Okay, okay! I’m delazifying! Calm your ass down!” he replied while flashing his hands into the air. He scooted between the ottoman and the couch until he reached the open floor, where he turned to face Delilah. “Dee, where the hell are we gonna go for two hours?”
“Oh,” she started with a shrug as she looked from him to me and then back at him again. “I don’t know. Where do you want to go?”
“You don’t have to leave if you don’t want to,” I said with a quick, apologetic smile at Dee. “I didn’t mean both of you when I ordered Bill to take a walk.”
“Well, she’s gotta come with anyway,” he replied before throwing his pudgy hands on his hips and mimicking me. “Otherwise, I’m gonna get me something to eat all by myself. An’ while I’m eatin’ my sadghetti, I’ll be thinkin’ ’bout how my best friend kicked me out on my sorry ass! Never mind how I was a true friend to stick by her all through the freakin’ haunted forest! Never mind how scared I was to death of comin’ across the Blair-fuckin’-Witch!”
“Good-bye, Bill, and take a good, long walk,” I said. I watched him wave me away with a dismissive air as he started for the door. Delilah grabbed her jacket from the coat closet and opened the front door before they both disappeared behind it.
“Ah, peace and quiet at last,” I said to myself.
As soon as the statement came out of my mouth, my cell phone, (Bill’s old, duct-taped phone that he’d kindly donated to me), started to buzz from where it sat on the kitchen counter. A sense of dread churned my stomach; the only people who ever texted me were Jason with a new mission, or Alaire.
I retrieved the phone and flipped it open, spotting Alaire’s name at the top of the screen. As strange as it might sound, I was actually relieved to see Alaire texting me and not Jason. The last thing I wanted at the moment was another mission that would send me back to the Underground City. Not that hearing from Alaire thrilled me or anything, but his flirty texts were still better than potentially battling demons.
Good afternoon, Ms. Harper, the text read.
Afternoon, Alaire, I typed back as I wondered what he could possibly want.
Am I correct to imagine you discarded the phone I gave to you while you were still in the Dark Wood? he texted back immediately. Alaire must have had nothing to do and all day to do it in, because whenever I responded to one of his texts, his reply invariably arrived within the next five seconds. Or have you decided to make the Dark Wood your new home because you have not changed your position in … oh, let’s see … four days.
So you did have the phone bugged! I wrote immediately as instantaneous annoyance snaked up my back. I was suddenly grateful that Tallis had launched the phone elsewhere. I should have known better than to trust any gift that came from you!
I read
ily admit that your trips through the haunted realms continue to concern me. I had to know whether or not you made it out alive. As you, no doubt, already must sense, I have become quite enamored with you. Consequently, your comings and goings do not cease to concern me.
What a load of bullshit! I texted back, boiling with rage. Admit the truth, which we both know lies along the lines of your intention to keep closer tabs on me.
I believe keeping “closer tabs” on you is just another way of expressing the same notion, Ms. Harper, he responded. His cool calm and calculated guise dripped from his words, which irritated me all the more.
And bravo on your pun.
What are you talking about? I asked immediately, stifling the anger that was clouding my brain, if only temporarily.
Your pun on the word “lies,” he replied. Shall I guess it was not intentional?
Of course it was, I responded. And no, I hadn’t even realized I’d made a pun; but I didn’t want to seem unawares. In general, Alaire drew great satisfaction from having the upper hand and on touting his supremacy in all things. The last thing I wanted to do was suggest I thought he was in any way better than I was.
I’m only interested in the reason why you’re texting me, I added.
Ah, getting down to the brass tacks, are we? I could see the smirk on his face as I read his words. Frowning, my eyebrows furrowed in the middle of my forehead.
Stop stalling, I replied. Why are you texting me?
I shall answer you, my dear, and it is for two reasons, he replied. After three or four seconds, which he used as a dramatic device, he typed the rest of his reply. The first reason, as I’ve already admitted, was merely to establish you were not dead, as suggested by the discarded phone …
I recall, I interrupted him. And the second reason?
The second reason is because I would like to cash in on that small favor you owe me. I daresay you have not forgotten it?
Of course, I haven’t forgotten it! I typed back right away. As if anyone could forget owing the devil a favor!
Very good, my dear.
After waiting ten seconds for him to expound further, when he didn’t, I texted: Were you planning to tell me just what you had in mind? Or am I supposed to guess what it is?
If it pleases you to know, I shall happily tell you.
Nothing involving you pleases me, I replied haughtily. Then I wondered if I should cool my jets a bit. It probably wasn’t a good idea to deliberately offend or piss him off since I’d never experienced or witnessed Alaire’s temper. It wasn’t too far-fetched to imagine he might explode at some point. I mean, there was only so long he could tolerate playing the calm role and appearing unruffled before getting fed up with my obstinance. And then who really knew what might happen?
I should like that to change in time, Ms. Harper, he answered; I was grateful that his tail feathers seemed unruffled by my sarcasm. Do not forget that we have just made one another’s acquaintance, and are still in the infancy of our affair. There is still so much for us to learn about the other.
And that was exactly the way I wanted to keep things! Naturally, I didn’t voice my thoughts to him. His referring to our feeble acquaintanceship as an affair also bothered me. Just tell me the favor you’d like me to do for you, I answered. Yes, I wanted to get right down to the subject at hand, or the “brass tacks,” as he’d referred to earlier.
When next you venture to my city, I request you retrieve an object for me, he responded, completely perplexing me. Once you have acquired said object, you shall dine with me and then you may be free to go on your way.
An object? I repeated as my eyes narrowed. It’s your city so why can’t you just go get whatever it is yourself?
Perhaps I shall enlighten you as to my reasons in time.
What is the object you want me to retrieve? I texted back.
Never forget, my dear, that curiosity killed the cat.
I wasn’t sure what to make of Alaire’s annoying response, and of course, my doubts continued to plague me but I figured the situation was what it was. The sooner I could get this favor taken care of, the better.
Do we have a deal then? Alaire persisted.
I paused for a few seconds and inhaled deeply as I wondered what he had up his sleeve. Was the favor I owed so easy to repay? And what, exactly, was this object I was meant to retrieve? Furthermore, why couldn’t Alaire just get off his lazy ass and get whatever he wanted himself? I shrugged while the unanswered questions continued to bombard me. Then, taking a deep breath, I figured maybe I should just accept that this favor wasn’t going to be quite as difficult as I’d assumed.
Or maybe I was just a victim of wishful thinking?
“If they were banished, they returned on all sides...”
- Dante’s Inferno
TEN
Hearing a brief knock and the subsequent opening of the front door, a wave of exasperation overtook me. Turning around, I yelled: “Bill! It hasn’t been two hours yet! Barely ten minutes …” I was compelled to swallow the rest of my words as soon as I identified the massive body looming in the doorway.
“Tallis?” I asked, the doubt in my voice making my entire body tremble.
“Aye,” he answered before clearing his throat and diverting his attention to the ground. He looked completely uncomfortable. Well, worse than that, he also looked out of place. That, of course, was due to how he was dressed—in jeans. And a pair of jeans on Tallis Black was definitely a strange sight to see.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, not meaning to sound rude, despite how the words tumbled out of my mouth seemingly of their own accord.
“Ah came tae check oan ye,” he answered stiffly as he cleared his throat again. He glanced around the inside of my house showing feigned interest, or at least, that’s what it looked like to me. His eyes darted this way and that, but refused to meet mine. If I hadn’t known better, I might have thought that Tallis looked nervous.
“Oh,” I started when I realized how impolite I was by not inviting him inside. “Would you like to come in?”
He responded with a brief nod and then showed himself through the door, standing awkwardly in front of me as soon as he crossed the threshold. His dark blue jeans were paired with a white T-shirt, the seams of which seemed ready to burst from the broad expanse of his shoulders and back. Clasping his hands in front of him, he looked like he was anxious for his first day of school.
“Well, I’m feeling lots better,” I announced with a timid smile. I was grasping for words, something more to say because he wasn’t saying anything. We both just stood there, me looking at him while he looked at the floor. The silence stretched between us and pretty soon it became glaringly uncomfortable. Searching desperately for an innocuous subject to discuss, I scanned my apartment, hoping to spot a piece of furniture, or a painting, a knickknack, or anything of interest that might spark a conversation. But nothing I saw seemed story worthy.
So I returned my attention to Tallis and couldn’t resist taking him in from head to toe. I also couldn’t hide the smile that tugged at my lips at how completely ridiculous he looked in his jeans and T-shirt. Not that jeans were especially comical in general, but on Tallis, they just didn’t work. It was as preposterous as Zeus going for the Marlboro Man. All he needed was a cowboy hat.
“Whit?” he demanded as he frowned down at me.
Instantly striving to stifle my inner amusement, I diverted my eyes to the ground and chewed on my lip. I had to use all my will power to keep from laughing. As I cleared my throat, I strove to keep my wits about me.
“Whit?” he repeated, and his tone of voice was downright annoyed.
“You just … ahem … you just look kind of … silly,” I answered, motioning to his outfit before I emitted a strange, giggling sound.
“Silly?” he repeated with another frown, rubbing the back of his head as if he didn’t know the meaning of the word. When he cleared his throat for the third time, he glared at me.
&nb
sp; “Yeah, it’s just the … the way you’re dressed,” I explained. “I’m not used to it, I guess.” I tried to hoist myself out of the hole I’d unwittingly gotten into. “You don’t really look like your usual self,” I finished with another hurried laugh that I automatically turned into a smile, which I then hid by chewing my lip again.
“Ah care not tae dress like this,” he responded with turned-down lips. Tallis definitely didn’t appreciate humor when it was at his expense.
“Then why?” I started.
“Ah try nae tae stand oot when Ah travel oot o’ the Dark Wood,” he replied with a shrug. He crossed his arms over his chest as if he felt as out of place as he looked. That was probably very close to the truth …
“Oh,” I answered with a nod as I worried if I’d offended him. “It’s not like you look bad or anything,” I continued, “except I’m just not used to seeing you dressed in anything but a kilt.”
“Ah dinnae want tae stand oot,” he repeated, apparently assuming I’d missed that much the first time around.
I smiled more broadly. “Well, just so you’re aware, even when you’re dressed like that, you still stand out.”
There was no way Tallis couldn’t command attention, no matter where he went. His looming height, incredibly broad build, and perpetual scowl all ensured the attention of everyone who saw him. Yep, there was no playing Where’s Waldo? with Tallis.
“Ah said Ah try,” he answered with a heavy sigh, drawing his eyebrows into a haughty expression. “Ah didnae say Ah soocceed.”
Without further comment, I unilaterally decided to change the subject. “Are you thirsty? Or hungry? I don’t have much in the pantry, but I could make you some coffee. And there’s milk and maybe even—” I rattled on before he interrupted me.
“Ah also came tae inquire aboot yer lessons.”
“My lessons?” I repeated. Frowning, I drew a blank. Hadn’t I just been offering him a refreshment?