“So, Conan, are like all the creatures of the Underground gonna git the hots fer nips now, and wanna hump ’er? Or what?” Bill asked.
“Oonly the ones that can smell her pheromones,” Tallis answered without showing much concern or even interest.
“Which ones are those?” I asked, unable to mask the worry from my voice. Encountering phantom creatures that wanted to kill me was bad enough; and now, I had to add this to the mix? Why was it that bad luck only seemed to get you when you were already down?
“The more primitive creatures will smell ye,” Tallis explained. “Mantreons are more beast than man,” he explained, “they arenae as evolved as oother creatures. They still rely on their animal instincts. The more evolved ah creature, the less in tooch it becoomes to its baser needs.”
“So how were you able to detect it?” I asked as I threw my hands on my hips and tried to ignore my unparalleled embarrassment.
Tallis shrugged as he glanced at me with a boyish smile that illuminated his entire face. “Mayhap Ah, too, am more animal than man.”
I couldn’t argue with that. It seemed to me that, in general, Tallis had more in common with feral animals than he did with humans. He wasn’t exactly what one would call “civilized.”
“Dude, that is the reason I call you the Yeti,” Bill retorted with a shrug.
Tallis didn’t bother responding to Bill’s comment, which was probably just as well. For my part, I still couldn’t quite get past how Tallis could smell I was “in heat” as he called it. I wasn’t even sure what that meant … Was I ovulating? Who knew? Regardless, it didn’t fail to embarrass me, so I preferred not to question him any further about it.
“Ah didnae mean tae oopset ye, lass,” Tallis apologized in a soft tone. He stopped to allow me to catch up with him and we both glanced behind to make sure Bill was still following us.
“I’m not upset,” I argued with a sigh. I wasn’t sure how I felt about anything anymore. Was I upset? Or just completely drained and exhausted? It seemed I was on perpetual overload ever since we’d arrived in the Underground City. Well, truthfully speaking, I felt like I’d been on overload since I’d mistakenly died and Bill appeared on my doorstep to escort me into this new lifestyle.
“Are ye feelin’ well?” Tallis asked as he raised one eyebrow.
“Yes, I’m feeling much better, although I am still tired.” I sighed again and added, “I feel like I could probably sleep for a whole week.”
“Ye probably should, lass,” he answered. “This trip has definitely taken ah toll oan yer body.”
I nodded. “Well, at least it’s not raining anymore, right?” I asked cheerily. It definitely seemed as if the rain had stopped for good; but it wasn’t easy to walk in freezing, soaking-wet clothes, never mind the puddles in my shoes.
Tallis nodded, but I could tell there was more on his mind. “Did the Mantreon hurt ye, lass?” he asked me at last.
It took me a second to realize what he was getting at. Once I did, a pall of shame overcame me; he was basically asking if I’d been raped by the man-beast. “No, it didn’t,” I answered firmly. “I decked him over the head with a femur I picked up from a pile of what was once his dinner.”
Tallis smiled and released a long sigh that I hadn’t realized he’d been holding. “Ah’m sorry Ah wasnae there fer ye, lass,” he said in a soft, deep voice. “’Twas not fer want o’ tryin’.”
“It’s not your fault, Tallis,” I replied right away with an encouraging smile.
He just nodded before facing forward again. “Ah need tae bleed mahself soon,” he announced.
“Bleed yourself?” I repeated before realizing exactly what he was talking about. “Has Donnchadh become too difficult to contain?”
“Och aye,” he answered with a brief nod. “The longer Ah wait, the stronger his power grows. An’ Ah am havin’ ah tough time restrainin’ him as ’tis.”
I swallowed hard. I was already familiar with what it meant to have Donnchadh control his body. It was a situation to be avoided at all costs. “How much farther is it to Dis?” I asked, my voice unable to conceal my worry.
Tallis glanced down the hillside and stopped walking. Upon studying the layout of the land for a few seconds, he returned his gaze to me, saying, “We hae arrived.”
“After his head he with a sigh had shaken...”
- Dante’s Inferno
NINETEEN
“If the Kremelions are the official guardians of the City of Dis, do we have to encounter them again?” I asked, my voice belying my anxiety and dismay.
“Nae,” Tallis answered with a firm shake of his head as he glanced down at me quickly. “We hae bypassed ’em.”
“Bypassed them? How?” I inquired, shaking my head with consternation. I didn’t understand how that could be, not if they surrounded the City of Dis, or so I thought … “Didn’t you say they were supposed to keep outsiders … out?”
“Aye, an’ they do,” Tallis affirmed with a quick nod. My expression said I didn’t understand, which caused him to frown before he launched into another explanation. “The Kremelions exist oonly in the lands in front o’ the City o’ Dis.”
“Oh,” I answered, confused by what Tallis was saying…and annoyed by it. Tallis was always so short, so matter of fact and he never explained anything… He just simply said what he was going to say and expected me to accept it. But after going through what I had, I wanted…no, needed to know more.
“Tallis,” I started. “I want you to tell me more about the Kremelions.”
“Whit would ye like tae know aboot them?”
“Whatever you can tell me.”
Tallis, probably sensing my growing frustration, looked back at me for a brief second. I locked eyes with him, trying to get the point across that I was unwavering in my request to know more. He took a deep breath before he began to speak.
“The answer tae yer question is ah sad one an’ one that stretches tae an age long since past. The City o’ Dis wasnae always as ye shall see…travelers, traders an’ Soul Retrievers alike were once allowed intae the city tae condooct their business.”
“Travelers and traders?” I asked, sounding perplexed.
“Aye,” Tallis replied with a quick nod. “The City o’ Dis has always been located within the realms of the Oonderground boot, like any other city, it required merchants an’ commerce tae foonction an’ flourish.”
“But why would it need trade?” I asked.
Tallis shrugged. “Tae enjoy common conveniences,” he answered. “Not everyone in the Oonderground is damned,” he continued as he nodded at me and then Bill as if to say we were cases in point.
“Okay, go on.”
“The imprisonment o’ souls o’ the damned has always been what the City o’ Dis was known fer an’ yit, once oopon ah time, there were those who wanted tae make it….more.” Tallis paused. Even though he was now facing away from me and I couldn’t see his eyes, his demeanor seemed brooding and…heavy. “That was afore Alaire became Master o’ the Oonderground. His rise tae power was quick, fast an’ merciless. His vision o’ whit the city an’ all o’ its territories was couldnae have bin more different tae that o’ the previous master. Among all the things Alaire did, the Kremelions are one o’ the biggest displays o’ his sadistic nature.” He took a deep breath and then grew quiet.
“Go on,” I encouraged him, eager to hear the rest of his story.
“Once Alaire became the oonquestioned ruler o’ the Oonderground, he barred the way intae the city o’ Dis. He hid it from all those who sought tae enter it; save for the souls o’ the damned who remained trapped within the city fer all time. Alaire transformed the lands directly in front o’ the City intae whit ye saw, ah seemingly endless an’ barren desert.”
“Why?” I asked.
“He wanted tae kill anyone who dared tae attempt tae enter the city sae he bewitched the verra ground tae swallow ‘em whole…an’, fer ah while, that’s exactly whit happened. Boot Alaire wa
snae satisfied even then.”
Tallis paused again. I could see the story was weighing on him somehow. “Are you alright?” I asked, my voice soft and concerned.
“Och aye!” he admitted too quickly and then nodded with too much gusto. “Alaire decided that these “lost souls” that were stoock in the earth could serve him ah mooch greater purpose. An’ sae he made it sae that those who sought tae enter the City o’ Dis would succumb tae madness an’ despair. Sooch deep despair that even after their souls left their bodies, their souls would forever become part o’ the landscape in which they perished. The madness would stay with them, even in death. Alaire made it sae that the mission o’ these lost souls was tae haunt an’ tempt fellow travelers tae the same twisted fate.”
“Then the Kremelions are really visitors to the City of Dis, or were, once upon a time?” I asked to make sure I was following him.
Tallis nodded. “Aye. The Kremelions are the tortured souls o’ all those who have tried an’ failed tae enter the City o’ Dis. Forever victim tae their own madness an’ despair, their only foonction is tae bar the way o’ others intae the city. They serve as ah deadly warnin’ tae all those who would try tae enter.” Tallis glanced back at me. “Among the ranks o’ the Kremelions are many o’ your fellow Soul Retrievers.”
“And I would have been among them too, if it hadn’t been for you,” I added.
Tallis didn’t say anything but it was just as well because my mind was racing with everything he’d just told me. I wasn’t sure why but Alaire had never really struck me as that dangerous. Yes, of course, as Master of the Underground, he was dangerous enough but after this information, I considered him in a new light.
“So, the Kremelions won’t be a problem for us again anytime soon?” I managed.
“As Ah said, their domain lies only in the land in front o’ the City. An’ we’re enterin’ froom the rear,” Tallis finished with a sigh.
“Of course we are! I mean, this is you we’re talking about, someone who only travels via the back roads,” I answered with a broad smile as I tried to add some levity to the weighty conversation. Tallis just frowned down at me, raising his left eyebrow, but I didn’t miss his smirk, which pulled the ends of his lips up.
I followed him and we took a sharp right and started descending the hill. It wasn’t exactly steep, but with the loose rocks and gravel, it became a struggle to keep my balance. Once we reached the flat plane of land below, I was further confused.
“Um, it doesn’t look like there’s anything here,” I said as I turned to my left and then to my right. Then I did a three-sixty, but I still didn’t see anything that even hinted at what one might call a city. It looked like we were in the middle of nowhere. Not a tree, nor a building, nor a sidewalk, nor a lurking monster existed anywhere.
“Um, brain check on aisle nine,” Bill started as he caught up with us and stomped over to Tallis. “In case ya didn’t notice, dude, we’re smack dab in the middle of BFE. It’s like the exact, total opposite of a city!”
Tallis spared each of us a lengthy look, but didn’t respond. Instead, he walked forward ten or more steps and fished out what looked like a compass from his sporran. He held the compass straight out in front of him, moving it slightly to the right and then bringing it back to center again. Then he turned around to face us.
“Whit Ah am aboot tae do will require mah complete attention,” he said.
“What might that be?” Bill barked as he shook his head and wrapped his arms across his chest. “Ya gonna make a city appear out o’ nothin’?” Then he started emphatically nodding. “Yeah, that’s gonna require not only your complete attention, but also like, the attention of a couple more fools like Houdini, David Blaine, an’ that weird dude who wears way too much eye makeup!”
“Criss Angel?” I supplied.
Bill just shrugged in response, but kept his attention fixed on Tallis.
“Och aye, Ah need mah concentration,” Tallis continued as if Bill never interrupted him. “Ye both will need tae busy yerselves fer ah wee bit.”
I nodded and offered him a quick smile of understanding. Bill and I watched him walk another ten paces or so ahead of us before he removed his sword from the scabbard across his chest and dropped down to his knees. He laid the sword out next to him so it was parallel with his body, and placed his palms flat against the ground. He looked like he was about to do a pushup … girl-style.
“Dude’s gonna puke,” Bill announced as he observed Tallis and feigned gagging.
“Yeah, he kind of does look that way,” I answered with a frown. Watching Tallis, I wondered exactly what he was doing that required so much undivided concentration. Of course, I didn’t bother asking since Tallis was the sort of person who didn’t explain things, he just did them.
“Conan’s lost his frickin’ mind if he thinks he’s gonna make the City o’ Dis miraculously appear like, outta nowhere,” Bill announced definitively, settling his gaze back on me.
“I think Tallis knows what he’s doing, Bill,” I answered with a shrug and a half-smile. “I don’t ever doubt him.”
“Yeah? Well, maybe ya should sometimes,” he replied with a frown. He took a few steps away from me and unzipped his pants, turning his back to me as he did so. Thank God. “I gotta take a piss, sis. Hold on a sec.”
“Gross,” I muttered as I glanced back at Tallis. He was still in the same bizarre, pre-vomiting position. I could faintly make out the sounds of him speaking, but failed to understand the words. Usually, that meant he was speaking in Gaelic.
“Okay,” Bill announced as he zipped up his pants. Shaking his left leg as he walked back toward me, he kept adjusting himself the entire time. “Back to the subject o’ you an’ Igor.”
“I don’t really want to discuss Tallis right now,” I said as I cocked a brow at him. “Or Igor, for that matter.”
“Well, that’s too bad for you, ’cause I do,” he replied, lifting his nose in the air. His expression beamed with determination. “You do realize you’re sufferin’ from a condition called monopenis, right?”
“I don’t suffer from any conditions, Bill,” I rebuffed, despite having no idea what he was talking about. Not that it really mattered, because I was more than convinced that Bill made up most of the stuff that came out of his mouth.
“How could you know?” he railed in response. “You don’t even know what having a case of monopenis is!”
“You’ve got a good point there.”
“I always gotta good point, nerdlet,” he announced with a quick nod. “Soze now, I’m gonna help you out by tellin’ ya what condition yer condition is in.” Then he seemed to swell with arrogance, like he was proud of himself.
“I don’t get it.”
“You never saw The Big Lebowski?” he asked and I shook my head. “Damn, girl! Sometimes, I don’t even know how we got to be friends.”
“And your diagnosis is …” I answered, piercing him with an expression that said to hurry up and get to the point.
He took a deep breath. “Monopenis is the unfortunate condition of only wantin’ one penis.” Then he glanced over at Tallis, who still hadn’t budged, and was balanced on his hands and knees. “The Yeti’s.”
“That’s so ridiculous, Bill,” I replied as I crossed my arms over my chest to let him know I wasn’t impressed or amused by his conclusion that I had monopenis.
“Is it?” Bill asked as he inspected me closely. “Is that really so ridiculous, nips?” Then he started walking around me and acting like a lawyer interrogating a witness. “Do you realize that you haven’t stopped starin’ at him this entire time?”
“Yeah, because I’m trying to figure out what the hell he’s doing!” I snapped while tossing my hands up in the air in visible frustration. “And, more importantly, I’m anxious to know how the hell we’re going to get to the City of Dis so we can get on with our mission!”
“Yeah, yeah! Keep denyin’ an’ lyin’,” Bill continued as he annoyed me for the
third time. “Not that it matters! The truth is out there, whether you choose to ignore it, or not!”
“Thanks for the riveting lesson, Bill,” I said with a quick smile, “but I think I already learned that little gem from Mr. Rogers when I was like, five.”
“I already learned that little gem from Mr. Rogers when I was like, five,” Bill mimicked me in a high-pitched, utterly bizarre voice. “You know, havin’ monopenis ain’t really such a big deal,” he continued as I sighed and shook my head, figuring I’d better get used to these absurd conversations because Bill wasn’t exactly good at backing down. “It’s a lot better than what I got.”
“Oh, and what condition would that be?” I answered, even though it took all my patience to do so.
“Attention dating deficit disorder,” Bill responded with a sigh. “I’m on so many datin’ websites, I can’t focus on just one person, an’ I’m impulsive. If I ain’t constantly swipin’, I feel like I’m missin’ out on somethin’ better than the one I just swiped.”
“I don’t know why I bother to ask,” I replied as I shook my head.
“It’s gettin’ bad, nips,” he said with a heartfelt sigh. “I’m thinkin’ this ADDD might be interferin’ with my ability to ever sustain any kinda relationship.” He started to shake his head in what I perceived to be despondency. “It’s why I eat so much. I’ve turned to food to comfort me from my attention dating deficit disorder.” He sighed again, and this one was a bit more drawn out than the last. “Yep, I’m fat, single, and ready for a Pringle.”
“Are you seriously telling me this, Bill?” I asked while scrutinizing him with disbelief. “Because that’s the most outrageously stupid thing I’ve ever heard!”
“Judge not, lest ye be judged,” he quoted pedantically while frowning and crossing his arms over his chest.
I didn’t respond but turned my attention back to Tallis, who was still in the same position as before. Eventually, he lifted his hands off the ground and began to stand up very slowly. His hands fell to his sides, and moments later, they curled up into fists. He lifted them into the air alongside his face.