“Well, tut-tut, bubble butt! It ain’t like this has been a fun trip to the strip clubs for me either!” Bill railed back, and his round eyes bulged so much, I almost worried he was choking on something. Almost. “You, Miss Self-Righteous, were the dumbass who signed us up to rescue souls in the freakin’ Underground City! I had not-a-damn-thing to do with that!”
“I didn’t realize I was signing us up for the Underground!” I contested. “But, either way, it didn’t matter. It was that or a hundred years in Shade!”
“Soze the hells what?” he countered, and his eyes got so wide, it looked like he’d parted ways with his sanity. “So we woulda had ourselves a little downtime in Shade! So what!? Shit, girl, we coulda been sippin’ four o’clock tea an’ workin’ on our freakin’ tans!” He threw his hands in the air and shook his head at me. “Damn me! I’d much rather be doin’ that than feelin’ like I’m constantly gonna shit myself ’cause of all these fucked-up monsters we keep runnin’ into!”
“Shade wouldn’t have been like that and you know it,” I interjected.
“No, I don’t know that! Not that it matters, though, ’cause you had to go an’ be a hero, so now I’m spendin’ most my time in this hate forest. Not to mention, I’ve got permanent skeeter tinnitus.”
“You’ve got what?”
Ramming his index finger into his ear, he made an exaggerated motion of moving it around before he plucked it back out again. “I got this permanent ringin’ in my ears ’cause I’m so damn freaked out that real skeeters are gonna start tormentin’ me.”
“Really, Bill?” I asked, shaking my head. I frowned just to let him know how completely absurd he sounded.
“Yeah, really! It’s been nothin’ but a sadventure since I showed up on your doorstep in Edinburgs. And that’s another thing!” Throwing his hands up into the air again, he looked like he’d just thought of a long forgotten punch line. “You get the chance to pick anywhere to live, an’ you freakin’ choose the icebox!” Shaking his head like it was all a big travesty, he added, “Scotland? Really? A place no one’s ever even heard of!”
“Is that the full extent of your grievances?”
“No!” he yelled back. “No way! I’m just getting started!” Then he took a deep breath, glaring at me while his nostrils flared like a bull about to charge.
“Well, just keep on keeping on,” I said as I rolled my hand casually to dismiss him.
“So I’m forced to throw my lot in with yours an’ meanwhile you got the brown touch where everything you touch turns to shit!”
I couldn’t argue that one, so I didn’t even bother trying.
“An’ then there’s freakin’ Tido!” Bill ranted, his pitch rising. “He’s got you so dickmatized that you can’t even see what an a-hole he is! Not to mention how freakin’ old he is! You’re basically robbin’ the grave!”
“Being immortal, I doubt you can actually call him old …” I reasoned, but Bill refused to pay attention.
“An’ meanwhile, all I’ve gotta look forward to is bein’ friends with penalties!” he finished, glaring at me as his chest rose and fell with his belabored breathing.
“Um, what?” I asked, unable to conceal the smile from my face. Bill was definitely the most dramatic person I’d ever met.
“Y’know … Friends. With. Penalties,” he repeated in a duh tone. “You an’ me doin’ everythin’ except sex. Oh, what a lucky man am I!”
“Really, Bill?” I replied, while wondering what went on in the grey matter between his ears.
“Yeah, really!” he roared back at me. “Let’s talk about my needs! Remember me? What about my status quo, yo? I ain’t had a girlfriend in … let’s see, oh, yeah, since forever.” I wondered if he’d ever had a girlfriend, but decided not to inquire. Instead, I watched his gaze drop to the ground and a sad expression filled his face as he went quiet for a few seconds, looking crestfallen and pensive. Then he popped his head back up and glanced at me as if he’d forgotten something. “Oh, and I also have sticky sackitis.”
I didn’t bother asking him to explain since I figured the term must’ve had something to do with sweaty balls—a condition that didn’t interest me in the slightest.
“I’m sorry to hear all of that, Bill,” I said, wondering how we’d managed to get so far off topic. “And I fully understand why you would be upset.”
“My life has been extremely unsatisfyin’ lately,” he lamented as he shook his head and looked even more pathetic, if that were possible.
“I’m sure things will improve soon,” I said, even though I didn’t mean it. Nothing in my life had been what I considered easy over the last few months. However, I was never one to bemoan bad luck. No, instead, I was still trying to fight my way back to the original topic. “But my point in all of this is that it’s important to forgive and forget. I’ve forgiven you for letting me die and …”
“An’ I should forgive you for ruinin’ my life,” he interrupted with a deep sigh. “Fine. Done. You’re forgiven.”
I nodded, trying to avoid another argument. “Thank you for that,” I said with as sincere a smile as I could plaster on my tired face.
“An’ I’m sorry for blowin’ my thought wad,” he continued. “Guess I had a lot that had to get out.”
“It’s okay,” I said with a smile. “Speaking of forgiveness, though, I think it’s only fair if you forgive Tallis.”
He inhaled deeply, giving me an expression that said he was finding my comment difficult to digest. “You gotta know how protective I am of you, nips,” he announced.
“I know you are, Bill, and I really, truly appreciate it. But, trust me, Tallis is not the enemy.”
He nodded, but looked like he was lost in his own thoughts. A few seconds later, though, he brought his eyes back to mine. “Okay, fine,” he said. “I’ll forgive Sasquatch, but only ’cause you’re askin’ me to.”
“Thank you, Bill,” I said with a smile. My instantaneous relief went all the way down to my toes.
He nodded. “I must say, however, that you need to seriously think o’ goin’ through a sexorcism to get over him. Maybe start bangin’ a new guy so you can cut the apron strings you still have tied to Tido.”
“Thanks for the advice,” I said, not bothering to inform him that I still hadn’t had sex with Tallis … or anyone else for that matter.
Bill failed to respond when the stomping of footsteps sounded just in front of us. Moments later, Tallis unexpectedly emerged from between two gnarled, broken tree trunks. Without looking at either one of us, he held up the bloody carcass of some poor beast that defied classification.
Bill eyed the gory thing with unmasked disgust, bordering on abhorrence. “Turn down for lunch,” he grumbled.
“Between the torments and the city wall...”
- Dante’s Inferno
TWO
By now, I knew not to ask what type of species we were eating. In the Dark Wood, it was always best not to know. Instead, I chowed down on what looked and tasted surprisingly like beef, while my companions did the same. No one said a word; the only sounds in the otherwise still air were the crackling and popping of the blazing fire.
I noticed that Tallis kept his eyes trained on the horizon in front of him. Every so often, he glanced to his left and then to his right. He was sitting directly across from Bill and me, so I figured our duty was to keep watch on the forest behind him. He propped my sword beside me and his was lying on the dirt adjacent to his left thigh. Bill didn’t have a sword because, as an angel, he didn’t need to protect himself. Angels couldn’t be harmed or killed. They were sort of like spirits in that regard, although Bill told me he wasn’t supposed to get any of the “Underground City stuff” on him, whatever that meant.
“So, dude,” Bill shattered the silence and faced the wary Scotsman. Tallis didn’t bother to respond or look at him; he simply continued tearing pieces of meat off with his teeth, and his gaze seemed to be fastened on something in front of him. “Yo? Conan
?” Bill persisted.
“Aye?” Tallis replied at last. He eyed Bill only briefly before scanning the perimeter of the forest behind us once again.
“So I’m not sure if nerdlet informed you yet or not, but I’ve decided to be the bigger person an’ forgive your sorry ass.”
“I forgive you too,” I immediately added, offering Tallis a quick and nervous smile as I paused from scarfing down my dinner. Funny how being on the brink of death makes one so ravenously hungry …
Tallis didn’t answer right away; he continued chewing his mouthful before looking over his left shoulder and then his right. When he glanced back at us, we were both staring at him. He must have realized we were still waiting for his response because he finally answered.
“Ah thank ye both,” he said with a brief nod, first at Bill and then at me. When his eyes settled on mine, his lips turned up at the ends only slightly, like the Mona Lisa.
“But don’t go thinkin’ that just ’cause her an’ I are bigger persons means you can pull that shit on nips again,” Bill continued. Then he pointed at me, apparently just in case Tallis was confused about who nips was.
“Nae,” Tallis started.
“’Cause it don’t mean that at all,” Bill interrupted between mouthfuls as he shook his head fiercely. He took another bite and proceeded to chew with his mouth open. The meat was horribly undercooked and I could see it bleeding all over Bill’s tongue. My previous appetite suddenly tucked its tail between its legs and scampered away.
“Nae,” Tallis repeated, but Bill interrupted him … again.
“An’, I’m still maintainin’ my belief that nerdlet is insipiosexual.” He raised both of his eyebrows at Tallis and then at me to let us know we constituted said classification. “To the un-learn-ed-ed, insipiosexual comes from the Latin: insipiens, and sexualis. That means in science speak that Pollyanna, over here, is exclusively attracted to fools.”
“Bill,” I started, hoping to prevent another argument between the two of them again. I’d already witnessed more than my fair share.
Bill held up his hands, as if he were backing down, or didn’t want a fight. “I’ve said my peace,” he finished while nodding. He then made a poor attempt at covering up a yawn and glanced at me with a frown while shaking his head. “I can’t improve your taste in men, so I’m givin’ up.”
“Really?” I replied. I could only wonder how Bill’s grasp on reality remained so utterly different from mine …
“Yep, just one o’ them things,” he answered as he swallowed his last mouthful. Then he leaned back against the tree, crossing his arms behind his head and heaving his stomach up into a large mound. His stained, Megadeath T-shirt rode up above his belly button, revealing the pastiness of his skin. “Now, Billy the Angel’s gonna take hisself a nice, long nap, soze my tummy can digest whatever the fuck I just ate,” he finished with a tiny hiccup/burp.
“Good night, Bill,” I grumbled. I had to admit I was pleased to see him conk out early because it gave me some private time with Tallis. Time that was sorely needed since we had some talking to do.
“’Night, honey mounds, an’ you, too, Tido,” Bill said as he closed his eyes. “Thanks for the nasty grub,” he added.
Tallis didn’t respond and neither did I. I just watched Bill for a few seconds as I tried to find the best way to approach a conversation with Tallis. I inhaled a large breath and summoned all my courage before I turned to face him.
“Ah willnae deceive ye agin, lass,” Tallis announced as soon as I looked at him. “Ye have mah word,” he finished with steely resolve. He held my gaze for the space of a few seconds and I stared at him, feeling strangely nervous. Actually, my reaction wasn’t all that strange. Tallis made me nervous in general. His mere presence was intimidating, or maybe it was his unpredictable nature, but something about Tallis always kept me on edge.
“How much longer ’til we git home?” Bill suddenly piped up, peering at Tallis through one eye.
“Mayhap anither day an’ night.”
“This is the freakin’ trip that never flippin’ ends,” Bill grumbled as he closed his eye again and, moments later, was snoring.
“Ye need yer sleep too, Besom,” Tallis said. Besom was Tallis’s nickname for me. In Gaelic, it meant “troublesome woman.” Initially, it was intended to be a jibe, but over the last few months, it had become more endearing and now I actually appreciated it.
“I’m not tired,” I answered. Taking another glance at Bill, I watched him for a few seconds to determine whether or not he was really asleep this time. His snoring grew louder and reminded me of the sound of clothes in a dryer. After a few long minutes, I noticed a string of drool started to lengthen from the corner of his mouth. That definitely had to mean he was out … Unless he was doing an Oscar-worthy performance of faking it. I assumed the latter but hoped for the former.
“Is whit the angel says true?” Tallis asked as soon as I looked at him again. “Have ye forgiven meh, lass?”
“Aye,” I answered with an impish grin. Tallis seemed taken aback by my attempt at humor, but seconds later, his lips parted into a dazzling smile that made my heart flutter. It was so rare to see him smiling, and one of the moments I cherished most.
But getting back to the subject at hand, I didn’t want Tallis to think my brief answer meant that it wasn’t a big deal. The whole process of handing-me-off-to-Alaire was a scary situation. And even though I forgave Tallis, it wasn’t an easy decision for me to make. I cleared my throat and thought about what I wanted to say.
“Take yer time, lass,” Tallis encouraged me.
Clearing my throat again, I nodded, feeling terribly uncomfortable while caught in his direct gaze. “Well, I just want to say that what you were planning to do with me was a horrible thing to do,” I took a deep breath, finding it difficult to look him in the eyes.
“Aye,” he answered as he dropped his gaze down to his feet.
“But the sticking point is: you didn’t go through with it,” I finished quickly, not liking how his mood suddenly darkened. Worse still, I didn’t want this conversation to make him feel bad about his actions all over again. I figured he’d already put himself through the wringer; so he didn’t need anything from me to further add to it.
“Ah couldnae go through with it,” he concurred.
“Well, that’s why Bill and I both forgive you,” I replied with a reassuring smile.
“Ye dinnae know how mooch yer forgiveness means tae meh, lass.” He paused for a few seconds as we just stared at one another. “Ah will make it oop tae ye; ye have mah word.”
“It’s already done,” I answered, shaking my head. “As of this moment, I want all of us to forget it ever happened.” I continued more resolutely, saying, “We have to move forward, and not focus on the past.”
Tallis nodded as he grew more pensive and thoughtful, his gaze resting on the horizon again. This time, however, I didn’t think he was scanning for potential threats. Instead, he seemed to be gathering his thoughts. When he looked at me again, his eyes swam with emotion. “Ye dinnae know how yer words warm meh, nor how grateful Ah am for yer mercy, lass.”
A rush of heat flowed through me as soon as the words left his mouth. The way he was looking at me only further enhanced my reaction. He wasn’t smiling, but something in his expression, or maybe in his eyes, suggested he was rejoicing on the inside.
“You have been there for me more times than I can count, Tallis,” I said. I wanted him to understand how much he meant to me, and why I could so easily put the past behind me and move on. “You’ve saved my life on more than one occasion,” I continued. “And I also haven’t forgotten that I owe you an incredible amount of money.” I flashed a flirtatious smile, but could only hold it for a few seconds before a blush colored my cheeks and took my presumptuous smile along with it.
At the beginning of Tallis’s and my acquaintanceship, he’d agreed to serve as my guide. It was the first time I’d traveled through the Underground C
ity, and in return, I promised to pay Tallis fifty thousand pounds. Later, he said he would train me in the art of swordplay and self-defense for the price of one thousand pounds a day. So far, however, he had yet to collect any of it.
“Ah willnae accept yer money, lass,” Tallis declared, dropping his gaze to the fire and shaking his head. His lips were pressed into a tight line.
“Well, technically, it isn’t my money,” I answered with a shrug. As a Soul Retriever, Afterlife Enterprises kept my bank account well stocked at all times. Not a bad perk to an otherwise crappy job …
“Ah’m sure ye can find somethin’ else tae spend it oan,” Tallis replied, averting his eyes to the tree line behind me again.
“If you ever need anything … financially speaking,” I started. I shrunk as soon as he narrowed his hawklike eyes on me.
“Ah dinnae need anythin’ money can buy,” he interrupted me immediately. “Everythin’ Ah need, Ah alriddy have.”
“Okay, I was just trying to be nice,” I replied, feeling suddenly attacked.
Of course, I knew he didn’t mean for it to come off that way. He was just as proud as they came. He didn’t say anymore and neither did I. Instead, we both busied ourselves by looking anywhere except at each other. The fire continued to pop and crackle, even as the flames began to die, reducing the logs to no more than glowing, red embers.
“Ah will procure oos more firewood,” Tallis announced. Reaching for his sword, he got to his feet.
“What does it mean when you said you’re in love with me?” I nearly spat the words out. My heart was racing at the thought of him disappearing into the forest, taking my only chance to speak with him in private. Never mind that his announcing he was in love with me was the only subject on my mind since he first said the words an hour or so ago. I just hadn’t been sure how to approach the topic. Well, that is, until now.