a). The woman later withdrew her case and the doc was exonerated.
b). He went to jail. He allegedly told one woman that his magic potion would stop her gums bleeding, but warned it might “taste funny.” He also told her she could swallow it if she wanted to.
c). “I hope that what I’ve done will reassure men that vasectomies can be relatively pain free,” he told the BBC. He added that he’d been thinking of getting the snip for a while, but wanted someone trustworthy to do it. “Eventually I just thought, ’sod it, I’ll do it myself,” he said.
c). The Gallup poll came out in 2010 and showed just how much dough gets spent on “defensive medicine”—basically, doctors covering their own arses in case a patient takes ’em to the cleaners.
MUTANT STRAINS
a). When the bones of tiny, hobbit-like creatures were found on a remote Indonesian island, Flores, some scientists thought they might have been humans with a crazy genetic disorder who lived 18,000 years ago. Others said they were a different species altogether.
a) and b). Although it looked like she had four arms and four legs, she was actually two people. After a mind-blowing 27-hour operation, little Lakshmi—who was worshipped as a Hindu Goddess by some Indians—now goes to school and can walk on her own. The poor kid still needs more surgery, though.
a) I almost fell out of my fucking chair when my research guy told me about this. It ain’t the antifreeze you put in your car, mind you, but an “antifreeze protein” found in certain Antarctic fish that stops ’em dying from the cold. They’ve even started to use the stuff in some low-fat ice creams—although it’s grown in a lab, not taken directly out of some smelly old flounder.
c). An Austrian monk called Gregor Mendel had the mega-brainwave that led to modern genetics after growing and studying 29,000 pea plants between 1856 and 1863. He didn’t get any recognition during his lifetime, but at least he never went hungry in the lab.
b). Said one of the scientists who cloned her: “Dolly is derived from a mammary gland cell, and we couldn’t think of a more impressive pair of glands than Dolly Parton’s.”
PERSONAL SKILLS
c). I’m told the other two greetings work in Oman (nose kiss) and some parts of Niger (“Wooshay!”)—but always double-check before giving a strange foreign bloke a smacker on the conk.
c). “Don’t put your phone on the dining table, or glance at it longingly mid-conversation,” it says. Other rules: don’t make calls from the shitter; don’t have phone conversations in public about money, sex, or your haemorrhoid attack; and think carefully before choosing “My Humps” as a ringtone.
a). Not that I’d know—I don’t have the first fucking clue about computers. Experts say the human brain can only handle a maximum number of 150 real friends, so if you’ve got more than that, you might wanna take advantage of National Unfriend Day (November 17).
b). During the heist—which the boss helped to plan—his employees were held at knifepoint and one teller was punched in the face. The boss pretended to be a hostage until the cops showed up and realised that one of the masked robbers was his girlfriend.
a). “There were problems with money in the workplace and basically the stress of him being the owner and running a business got to him,” said the cops.
GREY MATTER
All of them. a) is also known as “muscle dysmorphia,” ’cos sufferers never think they look “ripped” enough, b) is usually caused by a major brain injury, and c) is described by experts as an “exaggerated startle reflex”—in other words, you pretty much crap your pants when you’re surprised. Weirdly, it was first discovered in French-Canadian lumberjacks living in Maine, USA.
a). It means you’re turned on by people who commit crimes. It’s also known as “Bonnie and Clyde Syndrome.”
a). I ain’t exactly a brain surgeon, but I’m told that’s more or less true (apparently headaches come from blood vessels, the membrane around the brain, and other nerves). If you’re ever unlucky enough to have brain surgery, you can even get away with just a local anaesthetic on your scalp. As for the other two answers: your brain could power only a 10-23w bulb; and the biggest emotional memory trigger is thought to be smell.
b). That’s what the scientist Stephen Juan said in his 1998 book The Odd Brain. Most thoughts are turned into very short-term memories and then forgotten. Or make that “all thoughts” in my case.
c). That makes ’em the most commonly prescribed drugs in the country—after high blood pressure medication (according to a 2005 report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention).
SEXY BEAST
a). The serotonin released when you bonk is like nature’s aspirin, according to one specialist, Dr. Vincent Martin—who was recently voted the Best Doctor in the World by married men everywhere.
c). Diphallia means you’re born with two dicks (one usually bigger than the other). It ain’t exactly common, though: there have been only 100 cases since the first one was discovered in 1609.
c). The “buyer”—a 38-year-old Australian businessman, if you believe what you read in the press—backed out at the last minute ’cos his wife found out. It still ain’t clear if he got his $250,000 deposit back. The whole thing was a PR stunt organised by a knocking shop in Nevada.
b). The festival is held every year on March 15—and everyone gets blasted on sake. The guys who carry the giant dick have to be exactly 42 years old, ’cos it’s believed to be an unlucky age.
a). The beauty contest is known as the Gerewol and happens every September, with the guys trying to show off their height and the whiteness of their eyes and teeth. As if that weren’t freaky enough, they also get out of their minds on a drink made of psychoactive bark.
HIGH EXPECTATIONS
a). If you milk the venom and dry it out, you end up with a drug called bufotenine, which—when smoked—gives you the same kind of high as LSD. Don’t try it, though, ’cos it’s illegal (and the toads are endangered). A former Scout leader in California is one of the few people who’ve ever been arrested for taking a “toad trip.” He told agents that his mind was blown so wide open, he could “hear electrons jumping orbitals in my molecules.”
a) and b). The gold-toothed criminal managed to grow the pot plant for five months at Verne Prison in Dorset—he even hung tinsel on it during Christmas—before the screws finally realised that the mile-wide grin on his face wasn’t ’cos his heirlooms were so ripe.
None of them, according to the autopsy. Her famous dad, Art, blamed a flashback from LSD—which lead to the theory that people think they can fly when they’re freaking out on acid.
a). They also found “eight luxury vehicles, seven weapons, and a machine to make pills.” The alleged dealer, a Chinese guy, was later arrested in the U.S.
c). It was part of the CIA’s insane MK-Ultra mind-control programme in the 1950s and 1960s. Punters were lured into a brothel in San Francisco, then drugged and sexually blackmailed while agents sat behind two-way glass, taking notes. The CIA thought the Johns would be too embarrassed to complain to the cops the next morning. They were right.
MEET THE WORMS
c). LifeGem takes carbon from human remains and uses it to make synthetic diamonds. In 2007, the company made a diamond partly from carbon extracted from 10 strands of Ludwig van Beethoven’s hair: it was sold on eBay for $202,700 (the money went to charity).
b). Tibetans used to do this ’cos most of ’em are Buddhists and think the human body is an “empty vessel” after death. Also, Tibet is a rocky place, so digging graves is a major ballache—and cremation would use up scarce firewood. There are some crazy pictures on the internet of “body-breakers” cutting up corpses while vultures queue up for their dinner.
All of ’em. The Ferrari woman was Sandra Ilene West, who died at 37 from a drug overdose. The car—a powder blue 1964 Ferrari 330 America—was put in a wooden box and covered with concrete (to make sure no-one nicked it) and lowered into a hole nine feet under the Alamo Masonic Cemetery
in Texas. For organising the burial, her brother-in-law was given a $2 million inheritance. If he’d refused to do it, he would have got only $10,000.
All three. This happened in the 1700s when “safety coffins” were all the rage after a few horrendous cases of people being buried alive. Other coffin designs had cords attached to church bells, so you could sound the alarm if you “woke up.” The only problem: bodies usually swell up and move as they decompose—so on more than one occasion, a fresh corpse in the churchyard ended up ringing the bell, scaring the shit out of the Vicar.
a). A “death erection” usually happens after being hung, shot in the head, or poisoned (it’s technically known as a “priapism” and you can also get it with a severe spinal chord injury, I’m told). If Mother Nature had any mercy, she’d give you the boner before you died.
How did you score?
41-60: Medical genius. If haven’t tried brain surgery yet, now might be the time.
21-40: Hypochondriac. You have just enough knowledge to be a danger to yourself and society.
0-20: Medical liability. You’re so clueless, you could end up accidentally stabbing yourself in the kidney while clipping your toenails. Wear Bubble Wrap and remain indoors at all times.
(Hazardous) Contents
Front Cover Image
Welcome
The Doctor Is In… sane
Introduction: A Note to all Patients
1 How to Cure (Almost) Anything
You’ll Never Be Ill Again… Probably
2 Have a Fucking Egg
The Truth About Diet & Exercise
3 Pruning
Cleanliness Is Next to Ozzyness
4 Family—The Other F-Word
You Love ’Em to Death, but They Drive You Fucking Mental
5 Surgery: Not Just for Professionals
If You Want Something Done… Do It Yourself
6 General Practise
Dr. Ozzy’s A-to-Z of Uncommon Complaints
7 Genetics Explained. Sort Of
Before Reading, Apply Ice-Pack to Brain
8 Friends & Arseholes
For People Who Aren’t People People
9 The Jelly Between Your Ears
It Ain’t Easy, Being Mental
10 Sex, Romance & Ballcare
Dr. Ozzy’s Guide to the Bats and the Bees
11 The Pharmacology Section
What They Don’t Print on the Label
12 Croaking It
Getting Ready for the Great Moshpit in the Sky
Dr. Ozzy’s Prescription Pad
Epilogue: Take as Directed…
Quiz Answers
Copyright
* Before anyone gives me a bollocking, talk to a doc about your diet if you have high cholesterol.
* According to The New England Journal of Medicine.
* I ain’t making this up. The mum’s name is Ines Ramirex Perez, and she had the baby on March 5, 2000 (according to the Associated Press).
* See diagram here.
* I’m fucked if I know what this is, apart from the fact it begins with the letter “Q.”
* At the World Health Organisation.
* www.parissyndrome.info
* Might not be legal where you live.
* Sources: Club Direct insurance, 101 Crazy Ways to Die by Matt Roper; National Safety Council.
* Source: The World Health Organisation.
Copyright
Copyright © 2011 by Ozzy Osbourne
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without the prior permission in writing of the publisher, nor be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.
Hachette Digital
Little, Brown Book Group
100 Victoria Embankment
London, EC4Y 0DY
www.hachette.co.uk
www.littlebrown.co.uk
First eBook Edition: October 2011
ISBN: 978-0-7481-3008-5
Table of Contents
Front Cover Image
Welcome
The Doctor Is In… sane
1 How to Cure (Almost) Anything
2 Have a Fucking Egg
3 Pruning
4 Family—The Other F-Word
5 Surgery: Not Just for Professionals
6 General Practise
7 Genetics Explained. Sort Of
8 Friends & Arseholes
9 The Jelly Between Your Ears
10 Sex, Romance & Ballcare
11 The Pharmacology Section
12 Croaking It
Dr. Ozzy’s Prescription Pad
Quiz Answers
Copyright
Ozzy Osbourne, Trust Me, I'm Dr Ozzy
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