FIRST THING TO ASK YOURSELF Have I been listening to NPR?
And/or…
Did I drive my car into a non-moving object?
What’s the waddling distance to the nearest toilet?
And/or . .
Why did I wear white trousers today?
If I shave all my hair off, will I look like Bruce Willis… or an axe murderer? Do I have a Viagra pill stuck in my throat? Am I underwater?
And/or…
Was the tenth pint really necessary?
QUICK FIX Shoot the radio.
And/or…
Massage forehead with airbag.
Unclench buttocks, prepare for consequences. Cover bare patches with spray paint.
And/or…
Wear the cat on your head.
Picture Simon Cowell in a miniskirt (should relieve any swelling). Do what the officer says, and get out of the fountain, ’cos you’re fucking busted.
WHAT NOT TO SAY TO YOUR DOCTOR LATER “Is a brain transplant expensive?” “D’you mind if I use your shitter? I may be some time.” “Tell me, doc: how did you feel when you turned into a slaphead?” “When I imagined Simon Cowell in a miniskirt, my neck just got stiffer.” “I think beer gives me astigmatism.”
Have a Fucking Egg
2
The Truth About Diet & Exercise
One of the saddest questions I’ve ever been asked as Dr. Ozzy came from a middle-aged woman in Worcester—Sally, her name was—who wanted to know if was safe to “Go to work on an egg” (as an old British ad slogan used to say). Someone had told her that yolk was bad news, so she was considering a switch to low-fat bean curds or some bullshit. I could hardly believe it, man. This woman was old enough to remember when it was considered perfectly acceptable to fry bread in lard, or let kids breathe fumes from leaded petrol. And yet she’d convinced herself that one boiled egg was gonna send her to an early grave. I mean, really? Is that how crazy things are now?
The trouble is, it’s so easy to get things out of proportion. I’m guilty of the same thing myself. For example, I recently went through a phase of having egg-white omelettes for lunch as part of a low-calorie diet. Then one day this light blub went off in my head, and I thought to myself, “Y’know what? This tastes like fucking shit.” So I went back to eating normal omelettes, and, low and behold, I didn’t grow five extra bellies overnight. As long as you’re not having a dozen eggs every morning, another dozen for lunch, and another dozen for dinner, what’s the problem? It the same with anything: all you need is a bit of common sense, and chances are, you’ll be fine.*
Having said that, common sense has never exactly been one of my fortes. Because of my addictive personality, I tend to do anything and everything to excess. Like when I gave up McDonald’s and switched to burritos, for example. Within 24 hours, I was addicted to the fucking burritos. Or when I gave up being a lazy-arsed bastard and started to exercise, but ended up taking a gram of speed so I could run around the block faster. It’s a never-ending struggle, trying to live the perfect balanced lifestyle if you’re as unbalanced as I am. As a matter of fact, I think it’s hard for everyone, insane or otherwise. But as I always say to people, you should never stop trying. Just take every new day as it comes—and go easy on the triple-decker bacon chili cheeseburgers.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
My daughter announced today that she’s going on the “Five Bite Diet”—ie, she drinks what she wants (if it has no calories) but has only five bites of lunch and five bites of dinner. As a precaution, she’s also taking a multi-vitamin tablet every day.
Should I try and stop her?
Julie, Sunderland
I’ve never heard of this before, but it doesn’t surprise me that it exists. In fact, I tried a similar kind of extreme diet myself once—I called it the “walking corpse” diet, ’cos even though you got thinner, it made you feel like the living dead. And of course it goes without saying that five seconds after I stopped, I put all the weight back on again. I mean, I honestly don’t know what to tell you when it comes to dieting, ’cos I came to the conclusion a long time ago that nothing works apart from eating healthier and eating less, full stop. Catchy-sounding quick fixes are usually good for only one thing: making a shitload of dough for the person who came up with the idea. Bearing in mind that your daughter will probably do the opposite of whatever you tell her, it’s at least worth getting the advice of your GP before she starts sniffing her dinner instead of eating it. That’s the best way to make sure she ain’t doing anything dangerous.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
My doctor has told me that I have high cholesterol. Does that mean I should stop taking cocaine?
Andrew, Los Angeles
Hang on a fucking minute: don’t you think you’re putting the cart before the horse a bit here? I suppose you’re thinking that because the cholesterol gives you a higher risk of a heart attack, the coke might send you over the edge. But you shouldn’t be doing cocaine, full stop—never mind if you’ve got high cholesterol, low blood sugar, a gammy leg, or a runny nose. It’s a like a forty-a-day smoker asking if he should move out of the city to get some fresh air. Where’s the logic, man? Here’s the thing with coke: you can drop dead from it instantly, ’cos you’re buying it on the street, so you never know the fuck’s gonna be in it. It also messes with your head, makes you say stupid things, and can land you in prison. Here’s my advice: if you keep taking the coke, forget all about your cholesterol—chances are, you’ll kill yourself before anything else can.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I can’t stop drinking Coca-Cola. Do you think I’ve become addicted to the caffeine?
David, Staffordshire
I know plenty of people who are addicted to cola—not just the brand name stuff, but the big, cheap gallon bottles you get in a supermarket. It’s not so much the caffeine you get hooked on, though: it’s the sugar. Try switching to a diet brand. Or better yet, have a cup of tea instead.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
My boyfriend goes swimming six times a week and does yoga twice a week, but he’s still getting fat. Why?
Eve, Ireland
There’s only one explanation: he’s eating sandwiches between laps. Either that, or he’s lying to you about the exercise. I recommend hiring a private detective to follow him around for a week. Report back.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
Is it really true that you’re a vegetarian now? Have you bitten the head off a lettuce yet?
Paul, Derby
Very funny. And yeah… I’m borderline vegetarian now, ’cos I find it hard to digest red meat. When I’m at home in LA, the woman who works for me—she’s Ethiopian—cooks up veggies on the barbeque with brown rice. It’s spicy, not boring at all, and there’s nothing like a good old curry to unplug a clogged 62-year-old arsehole. Mind you, it’s hard to keep it up when I’m out on the road, ’cos you can’t always get hold of healthy food when you’re so far away from home—although eventually you just lose your tolerance for meat, so maybe I’ll have no choice. In fact, I remember one time in 1968 when one of my old bandmates from Black Sabbath, Terence “Geezer” Butler—the first vegetarian I’d ever met—ate a hot dog in Belgium ’cos he was broke and starving, and it was the only thing he could scrounge that day. The poor bloke was in hospital a few hours later. In fact, I don’t think he took another shit until 1983.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
Is there any truth to the claim that food colouring—which used to be made out of coal-tar—makes kids hyperactive? Or is this just another one of those trendy myths?
Erica, Los Angeles
When I was growing up, no-one cared about what was in the food—calories, preservatives, colouring, or otherwise: we just ate what was on the table, ’cos the alternative was a smack round the ear and going to bed hungry. And have to say, looking back, we were all fucking nuts. I mean, it’s hard to imagine a more hyperactive kid than I was: I spent half the day bouncing off the walls, and the other half bouncing on my bed. Was it the
additives? Who knows, man. In a perfect world, we’d all grow our own food. But you can’t exactly grow a fish stick or a can of beans. So my advice is just be careful and make sure that your kids are eating plenty of fruit and veggies.
DR. OZZY’S INCREDIBLY HELPFUL TIPS—
Diet—Things to Avoid
If you’re trying to stay slim, it ain’t a good idea to take part in Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest, held every year in New York. The last record-breaking winner scoffed 66 hot dogs—that’s 19,600 calories—in 12 minutes. A few hours later, he broke another record for the amount of time he spent on the shitter.
I’ve suffered the consequences of a few dodgy curries in my time, but nothing comes close to eating a badly cooked Fugu (“river pig”) in Japan. The fish contains tetrodotoxin, which paralyses your muscles and stops your breathing over a period of 24 hours. There ain’t no antidote, either. So if you get poisoned, it’ll be the worst—and last—day of your life. It’ll ruin your holiday, too.
Fast-food has always been a guilty pleasure for me, but if there’s one thing you should probably steer clear of, it’s the “100×100” burger at the In-N-Out chain (you have to special order it). It comes with 100 beef patties, 100 slices of cheese, and costs about $100. That doesn’t include the price of the ambulance you’ll need to call after eating it.
If you go to Sardinia on holiday, don’t ever order Casu Marzu. It’s basically a sheep’s milk cheese, the difference being that it’s infested with live insect larvae, which look like wriggly little white worms. I ain’t fucking kidding you. The worst part is, the worms jump up and down, so you’ve gotta put your hand over your plate when you’re eating, otherwise you end up getting ’em in your eyes and up your nose.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I like to drink beer, but I’m getting fat. I hate to think I might have to give up booze just to stay in shape. Is there an alternative to beer that has fewer calories?
Miles, Kailua, Hawaii
Not in Hawaii, there ain’t. It’s all Mai Tais, Zombies, and Hoola-tinis. There’s enough fruit juice and syrup and fuck knows what else in those things to give you three extra chins in the time it takes you to drink one of ’em. The thing is, you can’t have it both ways: you can’t keep drinking and complain about getting fat. Alcohol makes you bloated, period. It’s one of the most calorific substances on the planet. Having said that, if you switch to Mai Tais, you definitely won’t be able to drink as many of them as you could beers. I mean, when I was on the booze, beers didn’t even count, you could knock ’em back so easily. Some people might say, “Try pot,” but then you’ll get the munchies, which is twice as bad. Personally my advice would be to cut down. Or stop drinking altogether.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I love having a full-strength Marlboro before breakfast, but I’ve noticed that the first couple of drags make me want to run to the bathroom and evacuate. Is this normal?
David, Cardiff
If you’re a smoker, why the fuck are you wasting time worrying about your bowels? What about your LUNGS? Having said that: yes, nicotine is a stimulant, so that world-falling-out-of-your-bottom feeling is normal. Why not stop smoking and have a glass of orange juice instead? Y’know, over the years I’ve taken every drug known to man, and I swear, nicotine is the worst. Take it from the Prince of Darkness: cigarettes are evil, man.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I noticed that you worked with a personal trainer during The Osbournes. Did you find it helpful?
James, Scarborough, Maine
Using a trainer helped me keep a routine, which is very helpful, ’cos I’m an all-or-nothing kind of guy: I’ll kill myself on the treadmill one month, then spend the next one with my head in the fridge. But at the end of the day, I don’t want to have to make a date in my diary to do exercise. After a while I also got pissed off with a guy standing there in my own house, telling me, “Do another five reps.” I almost punched the bastard a couple of times.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I’ve recently decided to slow down on my hedonistic lifestyle and try being healthy, so now it’s all low-fat food and exercise, but when I wake up in the morning, I feel worse than I did before. How long will this last, or should I just return to my old ways?
Alex, Milton Keynes
Rome wasn’t built in a day. Some people go over the top when they try to get healthy: one minute they’re living a life of beer, cheeseburgers, and daytime telly, and the next they’ve cut out meat, alcohol, coffee, and sugar, and they’re trying to run a marathon. Of course you’re gonna feel like shit if you do that. Take it easy. One thing at a time. And if you’re doing exercise, for God’s sake make sure you stretch—before and afterwards.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
What’s the healthiest (and most effective) way to administer a jolt of caffeine first thing in the morning: a shot of espresso, or a full-sized mug of filter coffee?
Anonymous, Pittsburgh
I don’t know about the healthiest, but I can tell you the best way—by a mile. First of all, brew yourself a normal pot of filter coffee. Then tip the coffee back into the filter and brew it again over the old grounds. At the same time, make yourself an espresso. Next step: pour yourself a cup of the double-strength filter coffee… then add the shot of espresso. I call it a “red eye”: one sip, as you’ll be as awake as you’ve even been in your life, trust me. That ain’t the strongest coffee I’ve ever had, mind you. My old mate Frank Zappa used to make a brew that tasted like leaded gasoline. And Turkish coffee is even worse. I downed a soup bowl full of that stuff when I was in Crete once, and I spent the next three weeks jogging around the island, trying to get it to wear off.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
Why do people say it’s bad to eat chocolate before public speaking (or singing, for that matter)?
Jim, Kelso
Well, for a start, chocolate thickens your saliva, which ain’t good news if you’ve gotta recite Shakespeare or get through “Iron Man.” For me, chocolate also causes heartburn, which sends acid shooting up my esophagus, which literally burns my throat out—and that’s my worst fear when I’m out on the road, ’cos it affects thousands of people when a show gets cancelled. Having said that, you’re not supposed to drink tea, either, but I still do before gigs. It might not be very rock ’n’ roll, but it’s like a magic potion to me.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I know you work out a lot and have changed your lifestyle dramatically, but is it more difficult to maintain your exercise schedule and health regimen when you are touring? What do you recommend for people like me who pretty much live on the road?
John, Santa Barbara, California
To be honest with you, I don’t need to go to the gym when I’m on the road: during a two-hour show, I’ll burn about 2,000 calories and use muscles I don’t even know I have until the next day, when I feel like I’ve been thrown off the Empire State Building. But here’s the advice I’d give to anyone who works away from home in a sedentary job: go for a walk. It’s one the best forms of exercise there is, and it costs nothing. The only reason I don’t go for walks myself is because my arse has got a mind of its own, and if I’m out of range of a toilet, I freak out. That shouldn’t stop anybody else, though.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I’m pretty much living on five-hour energy drinks. Is this stuff gonna hurt me in the long run?
Eric, Colorado
Well, it’s not exactly food, is it? You’re basically just shooting up caffeine. And if there’s one golden rule I’ve learned over the years, it is this: what goes up, must come down. I remember necking a few energy drinks before going on stage once: I felt like the king of the universe for about one-and-a-half songs, but by the third number, I was ready to fucking hang myself. So if I were you, I’d try and get your energy from something that’s not gonna make you drop like the Hindenburg when the rush wears off.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I’m in my mid-fifties and a stonking 350lbs. I’m addicted to food, often eating
enough for three or four people. I’m out of breath, have no interest in sex, and can hardly even stand up. I’m using food like you used drugs—I’m killing myself. Any advice? Money is no object.
John, London
Number one, find a good dietician. Number two, start exercising (as long as your doc gives you the okay). But whatever you do, don’t go mental. For example: start at the lowest setting on the treadmill, then work your way up slowly, not the other way around. The mistake I made was thinking, “Well if I turn this thing up to warp factor ten, I’ll burn more calories”—but I wasn’t fit enough, my legs couldn’t keep up, and I almost catapulted myself backwards through a plate glass window. Another thing you have to do is find an activity you enjoy, ’cos if you don’t love it, you ain’t gonna do it. And I don’t mean take up darts, or table football. You’ve gotta break a sweat. I’m 175lbs at the moment, but I could easily be 350lbs if I didn’t burn off all the crap I eat with a bit of exercise. Fortunately, I’ve now become addicted to the blast of endorphins you get on a cross-trainer in the same way I used to be addicted to Special Brew. I’ve also got a massive telly in my gym at home, so while I’m getting rid of my extra chins I can watch World War II documentaries on the History Channel. That’s my idea of paradise, that is—a bit of cardio and some animated battle maps.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I recently went to Cuba, picked up a nasty bug, and was hospitalised with dehydration. The doctors shoved a steel lozenge thing down my throat to take a biopsy from my stomach, but it didn’t find the cause of the problem. Three months later, I’m still passing liquid. Please help…