“And just in case, here’s an epi infuser.” She handed me the thin, stylus-sized device.
“Great,” I said weakly, my heart thumping at the thought of having to use it.
“I’m sure it will be fine,” Jilia said quickly. “Let me go get your new suit.” She turned and pushed through the flap at the far end of the room that must lead to another tent chamber.
Adrien stepped closer and put a hand on the small of my back. “You okay?”
I didn’t answer, just leaned into his chest. He wrapped his strong arms around me, pulling me in tight. Even through my thick helmet, I could hear the steady beat of his heart. He dropped his chin on top of my head and rubbed my back in gentle circles. I melted against him. I was exhausted, and his arms felt so good around me, I thought I might fall asleep right there.
He pulled away, looking intently at my face. I tried to raise the sides of my mouth into something that resembled a smile, but I was sure it looked more like a grimace. He laughed. “It’s gonna be okay. We’re safe now,” he said, giving my hand a squeeze. He nodded his head toward the container. “After you get the new suit on, you can finally rest. I’ll be waiting when you come out.”
Jilia came back with a shrink-wrapped plastic bag in her hands.
“After each cycle, the next door will open. Just move right through with it.”
The lights turned on as I stepped inside. The tiny chamber was about the size of a square elevator pod. The door closed before I could say anything else.
Almost immediately spouts dropped from the ceiling and from the walls, and the next instant a hammering spray assaulted me from all sides. The cycle lasted for almost ten complete minutes. A drain at the button suctioned up all the water as it poured down.
I was glad to peel off the suit and my sweaty underclothes in the next chamber, but it felt strange to strip completely down, knowing that outside this container only a mere spread of tent material separated me from the dripping green forest. I clutched the epi infuser in my hand after I dropped the last bit of the suit to the floor.
I paused and closed my eyes, not daring to breathe. I waited to feel any of the telltale signs of an allergy attack. But I could only hold my breath for so long, and eventually I had to take in a gulping breath of the steamy air.
I clutched the epi infuser tighter, my thumb on the release button. One breath, and then another.
I peeked one eye open.
No swelling, no rash.
I was fine.
I breathed out again as another set of sprayers came out from the sides. Instead of water, warm white foam spurted at me, followed by another pounding spray of hot water that left me certain that every millimeter of my body had been scoured raw.
After a bracing rush of air that lasted five more minutes, even my thick curly hair was dry. I stretched my neck and took a deep breath in, taking a moment to enjoy standing free from the restrictive suit.
I opened the plastic bag that held the new suit. It was smaller than I expected, made of dark blue stretchy material that was only about a centimeter thick. There weren’t any boots on the bottom, and I slipped my foot into the leg just like I would a sock. The suit pulled up snug around my waist. Really snug. I thought of Adrien holding me earlier in the bulky suit and wondered with a blush what he’d think of me in this one.
I rebraided my hair, then fit my arms in and pulled on the helmet with the built-in faceplate. The plastic glass of the faceplate was curved in closer around my face, just half an inch away from my nose at its apex, but the surface area was larger. Instead of being a tight rectangular window, the plastic was clear all the way from ear to ear so that I had much better peripheral vision. I stretched my neck. I liked the way the suit moved with me. I looked down at the front where the fabric was still slack. Even though these gloves were thinner and my fingers less clumsy, I couldn’t figure out how to seal it up.
Jilia’s voice came on over a small speaker. “Activate the console on the right arm of the suit, and it will self-seal.”
I did what she said and the slack at the front of the suit suddenly wove itself closed. I took a little breath in as it tightened on my ribs and wondered just how formfitting it was going to be. Jilia had said it would feel like a second skin, but this left very little to the imagination. I stretched my arms and lifted my knees up to my chest a couple times, trying to get comfortable in it.
The front loosened a little and I felt like I could breathe again. I pulled on the oxygen tank that fit like a slim backpack. It clicked into place and fresh air began circulating through the mask. Finally I was able to press the release button and step back into the tent.
Adrien was waiting, all clean and in a dry tunic. I stepped out tentatively, worrying that I looked ridiculous in the tight suit. When he saw me, his eyes widened. He looked me up and down. Color bloomed in his cheeks, but he didn’t look away as a sideways smile slowly spread.
His reaction made me feel bolder, and I walked around the small space and gave a little twirl, feeling more confident with every step. When I looked back at him, his bright aqua eyes twinkled.
“Nice suit,” he said.
* * *
I arranged the pillow under my head and tried to get comfortable. I was so tired, I thought I’d fall asleep right away. Instead, the events of the day played like a vid screen across my closed eyelids.
I thought of Milton and wondered if even now his poor, crumpled body was being tossed into one of the incinerators. Bile rose a little in my throat at the thought. I banished the image and tried to think of something else instead. The living matter, not the dead, Adrien had said.
I looked at the thin tent wall and tried to imagine Adrien on the other side of it. Was he asleep already? I thought of his arms around me earlier and felt cold and lonely. There had been so much space separating us for so long. And now that we were finally together, we still felt too far apart.
I sat up, then after a brief moment of indecision, got to my feet and padded over to the hanging tent flap of my room and slipped into his.
He was sitting at the edge of his mattress, his forearms on his knees. His eyebrows had been bunched together as he stared at the wall with a sad, faraway look in his eyes. He blinked, surprised by my sudden appearance, and then smiled as I stepped inside.
I’d been so sure when I left my room, but suddenly I felt self-conscious. I didn’t really have a reason for coming in and disturbing him. He gestured for me to sit. “Are you okay? What’s going on?” he asked.
I sat down on the mattress beside his. Each room partition had several beds for when the compound was full of people traveling through. “Nothing,” I said. “I just … didn’t want to be alone.” I looked down and fiddled with the tip of my glove, suddenly shy and awkward. He grabbed my hands to stop me, then moved swiftly so that he was sitting beside me. His thigh was warm next to mine.
“I’m not really in the mood to be alone either. I think too much when I’m alone.” His smile was sad, but he quickly masked it with a mischievous wink. “Plus, I couldn’t stop thinking of you in the other room, so close by. In that suit.” I blushed.
He let go of my hand, but absentmindedly began to gently trace a line up over my wrist, to my elbow, then all the way to my shoulder. The fabric of the new suit was so thin, I could feel the pressure of his fingertip. A shiver went up and down my body, and I couldn’t help arching my back.
“God, you’re beautiful,” he whispered.
All the day’s worry and terror and chaos suddenly dropped away at his touch. I turned to him and wrapped my arms around his neck, trying to pull him close, but I was too awkward and the movement knocked us both back onto the mattress. Adrien laughed. Our legs tangled together and he dropped his head to nuzzle at my neck. I ran my gloved hands through his hair, trembling at the feel of him in my arms. But the material between us was such a barrier. I was tired of barriers.
“This stupid suit,” I said as my hands curved up behind his shoulder blades.
“Hey, I am very fond of this suit. It’s saving your life.” His fingers clutched at my waist, right above my hips. It sent a burning fire racing through my stomach.
“But I know what you mean,” he murmured. A low growl escaped his throat as he pulled away.
“What’s wrong?” I sat up in alarm.
“Nothing,” he said with a laugh, running his hands through his hair. “You’re driving me crazy is all.”
His words gave me a zing of satisfaction. “Really?” I asked, smiling wide.
“Really. Look at you!” He gestured up and down at me. “And I can’t even kiss you!” He reached out and wove his fingers with mine. He closed his eyes and dropped his head slightly so that his face was shadowed in the dim light. “When I’m touching you, it’s like everything slows down for a minute. All my thoughts finally narrow down to focus only on the feel of your hand in mine. The rest of the time everything is pressing down so hard. The past. The future.” He shook his head and swallowed hard. “Sometimes I feel like I’m gonna break under the strain.”
“You’re not going to break,” I whispered, squeezing his hand tighter. “You’re the strongest person I know.”
He let out a scoffing noise and shook his head again. “Hardly.”
“It’s true,” I insisted. I paused, watching the tension tightening at the corner of Adrien’s mouth.
“How are we really doing?” I asked quietly. “You’ve been working with the Rez. You’ve seen visions. Do we really have a chance? Can we really take down the Chancellor and the Community?”
He was quiet a long moment, as if he was trying to find the right words. “I don’t really know how to answer you,” he finally said, looking down. “Sometimes I worry we’re fighting a war we can never win. We’re impossibly outnumbered, we don’t have enough resources, and now that the Chancellor has joined the war, we’re stretched too thin. We were always fighting an impossible fight—that’s life in the Rez for ya. But now…” his voice quieted. “I don’t know. It’s harder to hold on to hope. We’re fighting for a dream, for a life unlike anything we’ve ever known. Maybe it can’t be done.”
“Then why—?” I stopped myself.
“Why fight?” He finished. “Why risk everything for something we might not win?” He turned his face back to me, his aqua eyes sparking to life just like they always used to when we talked. “Because if we don’t fight, we’ve already lost. Without hope, without trying, there’s no point. There’s no future. And you, Zoe,” his voice softened. “I would fight forever to have a future with you.”
“Maybe hope alone can make a difference,” I said. “Maybe having something to fight for will make us stronger than anything they can throw at us.”
He nodded, but I wasn’t sure if he was really agreeing with me. Then he looked back at me and smirked. “You know, we’re talking about war and revolution, but really this is supposed to be when you sneak into my room just to make out.”
I laughed. “But I’m trapped in this suit.”
He lifted a hand and caressed down the side of my head. “You must be exhausted.”
“But I can’t sleep.”
“I have an idea. Here, lay down on your stomach.” He moved to arrange the pillow for me.
I laid down, and he put his hands on my shoulders, squeezing and rubbing his thumbs in circles. I felt like I was about to melt into the mattress. He moved from my shoulders up to my neck, and then back down again.
I felt myself growing drowsier with each passing minute. Even though I wanted to stay awake so I didn’t miss a moment with him, I quickly dropped off to sleep.
Chapter 4
I WOKE EARLY, confused about where I was until I felt Adrien’s arm draped lazily across me. In spite of everything, I couldn’t help smiling. I tried to slide out of Adrien’s grasp without waking him, but he stirred anyway.
“Hey,” he said as I sat up.
I looked down at him, his hair crumpled from sleep, his eyes blinking open slowly. I’d never seen him this way before. All dreamy, before the weight of the world had fully settled back on his shoulders. I loved the way his brow jutted out to shadow his eyes, and the smooth aquiline cut of his nose. I could have stared at him forever.
“Keep sleeping,” I whispered, but he rubbed his eyes and sat up.
“Nah, I’m alright. What time is it?”
I raised my arm and looked at the readout on my suit. “Six. I’m serious, you should get more sleep.”
He got to his feet. “Can’t,” he grinned, his eyes still sleepy. “View’s too nice to close my eyes again.”
I smacked him on the shoulder, but felt a slight blush come to my cheeks anyway.
He pulled me close and nuzzled a kiss in the curve of my neck. Even through the suit I could feel the gentle pressure of his touch. But still it wasn’t the same as really being able to touch him. I cursed my allergies for the millionth time.
He pulled back and gestured to the curtain that hung as a sleep partition. “After you.”
Jilia was already up. She stood at the counter with her back to us.
I looked around the room, impressed again at how many conveniences they had in spite of the fact that this was a mobile building in the middle of nowhere. A small kitchen area was set up in the corner, complete with a sink and a food thermal unit. A table with six chairs took up half the room, and the other half was filled with research equipment. An extensive four-screen console was open on the desk in the corner. The screens were filled with text and diagrams of the brain.
Jilia filled a pot with steaming hot water. Her hair was in a bun again, but with the full morning light coming through the plastic window, I could see a few gray tendrils tucked in against the brown above her ears. She wore a simple faded red tunic. She paused when we came in and smiled warmly at us. “You two are up early.”
“Is that coffee?” Adrien yawned loudly. “I could really use some.”
“What’s coffee?” I asked.
Jilia laughed. “You Community dwellers really are deprived. But since you both are up so early, there was something I was hoping to do this morning.” She set the pot down.
“What is it?” Adrien asked, grabbing a mug from a hook on the wall and pouring out some of the steaming black drink.
“Well,” Jilia said, “I’ve been studying glitcher brain phenomena for a long time, almost as soon as the Rez rescued me and I could get my hands on a console system.” She turned to me. “I was hoping I could do a scan of your brain to further my research. I’ve been eager to study you ever since Adrien told me about the things you’ve been able to do with your power.” Her eyebrows were raised, the excitement clear on her face. “I have some theories about glitcher mutations and I think gathering data points from a scan of your brain would really help.”
I thought of all the years getting poked and prodded at the hands of the Community when they implanted new hardware. I swallowed nervously. “Will it be invasive?”
“Oh no, not at all. All external. But I’m getting ahead of myself. I should let you get some breakfast first.” She leaned over to pull some protein pouches out of a box.
“No, that’s fine,” I said quickly, my stomach turning at the thought of the thick goo she was offering. Until they learned more about the extent of my allergies, it was all I was allowed to eat. The bottom of my helmet had a complicated mechanism whereby a straw could be inserted safely. But I knew from trying it last night that the grainy protein mix tasted horrible.
“Great.” Jilia’s face lit up. “Come on over here, then, I’ll show you.” She hurried across the room to her console station. She clicked a button and a 3-D model of the brain rotated in a projection cube beside the desk. I leaned in to look closer. It seemed like a normal brain.
“Help me grab this exam table,” Jilia said, and Adrien helped her pull out a padded black table that had been folded in half against the wall.
“Zoe, if you’ll just lay here.”
I laid do
wn and Jilia rolled over another machine level with the table. She positioned three metal arms around my head.
“The suit won’t interfere with the scan?” I asked.
“Nope, no problem at all. Now let me hook this up here—” She hooked a cable into the machine, then sat at the chair in front of the console. A few more clicks and I heard the machine beside my head whir to life. “Now lay as still as you can,” she said.
I looked at the ceiling and tried not to twitch. The machine clicked and rotated around my head, making a complete circle. My eyes tracked the spinning metal arms.
After a few more moments, Jilia announced, “All done. Now, let’s look at the data.” The excitement in her voice was palpable. Adrien pulled the scanner away from the sides of my head and helped me sit up.
“If you can tell I’m a glitcher from a brain scan, why can’t the Community? Or the Chancellor? She could use it to find potential glitchers and recruit them.”
Jilia was typing and clicking on the console. “Luckily, their equipment isn’t as fine-tuned as this. I’ve spent years developing software to detect these subtle differences, and only because I knew what I was looking for. The best the Chancellor could do is detect glitcher brain activity after six months of glitching. And by then, the glitcher has usually been reported and ‘repaired’ or been rescued by us.”
She leaned in closer to the screen, looking at what was just a long string of gibberish to me. “Wow,” she breathed out.
“What is it?” Adrien moved in closer.
“I’ll show you,” Jilia said. “It’ll be easier than trying to explain it.” She tapped on the screen a few more times, then turned to the projection cube. “This is a typical brain.”
An image of a brain rotated in the orange light. “This is what a non-glitcher brain looks like. The sparks of blue represent neuron activity.” She pointed at various portions of the brain where minuscule blue dots lit up, making small bright clouds. “And this—” she said, then tapped the screen a few times, “is a glitcher brain.”