Life on the
Refrigerator Door
a novel in nots
ALICE KUIPERS
To the women in my family
especially Anneke, Liz, Nicole, Oma, Granny,
and, of course, my mother.
Table of Contents
Cover
Title page
January When I look at you
March I see the woman I want to be
June Strong and brave
September Beautiful and free
P.S. I love you
About the Author
Copyright
About the Publisher
January
When I look at you
Hey Claire–Bear,
milk
apples
bananas
avocados
onions
potatoes
tomatoes
mushrooms
carrots and rabbit food for Peter
ground beef
bread
juice—you choose
If you can carry any more, get a chicken and two cans of beans. Don’t worry if you can’t, I can try and pick these up tomorrow.
Love,
Mom.
—Money on the counter. Don’t forget your key!
Mom,
I bought everything on the list except the chicken and the beans. It was FREEZING outside and carrying the bags back I thought my fingers were going to fall off. I NEED new gloves. We should go to the store again this Saturday—you aren’t working this weekend are you?
Hope you had a good day???
C
I made spaghetti bolognese for when you get in.
Love,
Mom.
I’m running out the door. I’m on call this weekend. Sorry.
Love,
Mom.
I’m going to spend the night at Emma’s.
You seemed a bit tired last night, Mom. I hope you’re not working too hard???
See you tomorrow.
xx
C
Don’t worry, I have my key.
If you get time could you stop and get a chicken? I’ll cook a Sunday roast tonight.
Love,
Mom.
After STARVING TO DEATH FOR AGES I made a chicken thing using a recipe off the internet. I put the leftovers in the fridge. I waited for you but I figured you weren’t EVER going to get back so I just put cling-wrap on it. Emma NEVER has to cook for her mom.
I’m going to school early tomorrow so I won’t see you. Emma’s mom is giving us a ride, she took pity on us with the SNOW. Then I’m babysitting tomorrow night, to make some money so I can buy some of the things I NEED. Like GLOVES. So my hands don’t FALL OFF in the COLD!!!!
Why don’t you get a phone, then at least I could call you????!!!!!!!!
Claire
Dear Claire–Bear,
I had a stressful weekend. It would be nice to come home and not be made to feel guilty.
I hope school was interesting. There’s some of the chicken (which was very good, by the way) left over. See you for breakfast. I want to talk to you about something.
Love you,
Mom.
—I left some money for gloves on the counter
Claire–Bear,
I had to go. One of my patients delivered two and a half months early. January is a horrible month to have a preemie …
When’s your presentation? Isn’t it coming up soon?
Let’s do something tonight. I feel like I haven’t seen you for days.
Love you,
Mom.
—Could you get some more apples?
Hi Mom!
I can’t do tonight. I have to go to Emma’s to study. James is coming too and we’re all working on the presentation for tomorrow.
I made some pasta with a cheese sauce so there’s no milk left. I didn’t get apples yet. Hope work was fun. How’s last night’s baby?
Claire
Could you leave me 10 dollars, Mom?
Hey Claire–Bear,
I picked us up some milk and some more bread. There’s more fruit and veg too. Including apples.
Thanks for the macaroni and cheese—very good. You’re a better cook than I am now.
I’m booking you for breakfast on Saturday. I have to talk to you.
What’s the money for?
Mom.
Hey Claire–Bear,
Nice to see you last night, if only for a minute. You seemed all grown up when you left. I forget sometimes that you’re only fifteen.
I’m sorry: I realize just now that I forgot to ask how your presentation went.
I’ll be at work later tonight. Dr. Goodman is away and we’re all working three times as hard it seems.
Is Saturday still good for you? We do need to talk properly.
I love you, sweetheart.
Mom.
Claire,
Peter’s cage needs cleaning. Poor rabbit.
Love,
Mom.
Hi Mom!
I got an A!
C
Well done, darling! That’s terrific. Was it an important presentation?
MOM!
It was really important. If I EVER saw you I’d be able to tell you stuff like that. I can’t believe you had to ask.
I’m not coming home until late tonight. Emma’s parents asked me for dinner. I might stay over if it keeps snowing. I’ll call to check with you. Tomorrow night I’m babysitting again.
Claire
Well, Claire, now I feel like a terrible mother. Why don’t we try and have a regular night where we talk about everything you’ve been doing at school. We used to do that, remember?
See you Saturday, we’ll talk properly then.
Mom.
Claire-Bear, I can’t make breakfast Saturday. Let’s try for Sunday night.
Could you pick me up some of my moisturizer if you have a minute? I’m all out.
Your father phoned last night. He said to call him.
Love,
Mom.
Hi Mom,
I’m studying at Emma’s for my test. You forgot my allowance. AGAIN.
C
What did you decide about Sunday night?
Love,
Mom.
MOM!
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PUT MY ALLOWANCE OUT!!!!
Hi MOM! (Who I never see anymore EVER!)
It’s Emma’s birthday on Sunday so I’m going to be at her place. I was going to stay at hers tonight too but Dad asked me to come over, so I’m staying at his. He sounded down about something. Any ideas?
I got you a jar of moisturizer. Hope it’s the one you like. I think it is, but the store is full of different ones and I couldn’t remember. I thought yours was in a white jar, but this one has the right name on a yellow jar. Have they changed it? You need to leave me money next time you want something. Unless you want to increase my allowance …
Hope you’re OK. You said you wanted to talk to me. Maybe I’ll get back from Emma’s in time for dinner on Sunday night.
C
Hey Claire–Bear,
How was the weekend with your father? I hope he was more cheerful in person than on the phone. Maybe work is stressing him out. He used to get stressed out about work a lot, but who am I to know?
And how was Emma’s birthday?
Claire, honey, I’ve got a doctor’s appointment today. I’ve been trying to tell you. It’s nothing to worry about, but I would feel strange if you didn’t know. I found a lump in my right breast. I finally booked an appointment. I wanted to tell you before I went to the doctor’s, but I suppose we haven’t had the chance. I don’t think there’s anythin
g to worry about, so please don’t think this is more than it is.
I love you, sweetheart.
Mom.
Mom!
I can’t believe you’d leave me a note telling me something like this! How are you feeling? How was the doctor’s? Should I be worried about you? Is it anything serious? You NEVER go to the doctor’s …
I have to babysit but I won’t be late.
Love and hugs,
Claire
Claire,
I hope I’ve made you feel better, darling, and you’re not so worried. As I told you, the doctor was very nice. I’m going tomorrow afternoon to have the mammogram, just to check that everything’s fine—the chance of the lump being anything serious isn’t very high.
I suppose being a doctor myself I forget to take my own health as seriously as I should. Anyway, everything will be fine, so please stop worrying. There’s really nothing to worry about.
Love,
Mom.
Good luck at the doctor’s today with your thing. Sorry I can’t come with you, Mom …
I have another appointment next week, honey. Do you want to come with me? 4:30pm Monday—if you could get home from school by 4 we could go over together. See if you can make it.
Love,
Mom.
Babysitting tonight, Mom. Gotta run!!!
I can’t find my key. Will you be home to let me in? Call me and let me know.
Are you seeing your father this weekend? Or do you want to do something together?
Hi Mom,
I’ll be back later … We could watch a movie.
Could you leave me an extra 20 dollars with my allowance? Pleeeeeeeeaaaaaaaase? I wanted to get these boots but I haven’t got quite enough. I’ll cook ALL NEXT WEEK!
xox
I’m sorry, Mom! I thought I could come with you, but I have this thing at school. Good luck with the doctor! Let me know how it goes …
xox
Mom??????
Where are you????
I waited for ages and I thought you’d be home. I called the hospital, but they said you hadn’t come back to work after your appointment. I even called Dad to see if he knew anything. Not that he ever knows where you are.
I’m worried. Should I be? I looked up breast lumps on the internet and realized I wasn’t sure what I was looking for, and I suddenly thought that maybe I should have been taking all this more seriously. If you were home, I’d probably be less worried….
OK. I’m going crazy just waiting for you here. Dad called—he’s taking me for some food. I’ll be back soon. I found my key.
xox
C
GOOD MORNING!!! MOM!
Where are you? What’s going on? It says on your calendar that you’ll be at work later today. I guess you’ve already left. I’ll try and call you there. Why don’t you have a phone????
There’s cold pizza for breakfast—I brought you the rest of mine. I wish you hadn’t just disappeared on me. I know I should have got back quicker from the pizza place, but Dad wanted to talk to me about stuff. Don’t worry, I didn’t tell him anything.
I’ll get home straight after school.
Claire
Hi Claire–Bear,
Sorry to worry you, darling. I went for a long drive. I’m going back to the doctor’s at the end of the week.
Hopefully we’ll find out that everything’s fine and I’m worrying over nothing.
I love you. I should be home at around eight. Someone named Michael called.
Love,
Mom.
Hi Mom,
Thanks for your note. Is everything all OK now? Am at Emma’s.
Love and hugs,
Claire
Hey Claire–Bear,
Should we have dinner together tonight? I had to go to work this morning. I notice the world hasn’t stopped having babies for little ol’ me.
I’ve just popped out to get some more food for Peter—we’re out of everything, including carrots. I’ll be back in ten minutes.
Love you,
Mom.
Mom,
So we just have to wait until the end of the week and we’ll find out everything’s fine?
I hate waiting, Mom! Do you remember when we were waiting for the boat that time and we were going to be stuck overnight on that island? Where were we exactly? How old was I?
Oh, I got a B in biology.
See you for dinner.
xx
The meal was lovely last night, Claire. Did you get the recipe for those potatoes from Gran? They were just like hers. And I forgot to tell you—that island was one of the islands of Indonesia. We took you there when you were nine because your father had research to do. It was just before we decided to separate. I’m surprised you remember. It’s funny what your children remember of you. I remember that my mom made delicious potatoes and that she used to draw pictures with us when we got home from school.
That Michael called again.
I’ll be at work until late. I love you. Try not to worry, OK?
Mom.
—Sorry your allowance was late.
Should I come with you tomorrow?
C
I’m fine on my own.
See you tonight.
Love,
Mom.
Claire,
We need to talk. I’m in my room.
I love you,
Mom.
March
I see the woman I want to be
I’ve been sitting with Peter, looking out the window, thinking about how lovely the yard looks, Claire. With the snow starting to melt and Peter’s fur full of sun it doesn’t all seem so bad.
I’m sorry, Mom. I had to tell Dad. He knew something was up because I started crying. Please don’t be angry with me.
xox
C
Don’t worry. We have better things to do than get mad at each other. I’ve gone over to talk to him.
The clinic called today. They want me to come in tomorrow.
I do love you, darling.
Mom.
I’m sorry, Mom. I really didn’t mean to yell at you last night. I was just so worried when you went out for that walk and my head filled up with all these ideas of what might happen to you and … I can’t believe I yelled at you when you have all this going on. I’m really sorry.
Love and hugs,
Claire
It might surprise you Claire to know that I remember being fifteen. I’m not so unsympathetic. Your note was nice to read, though. Would you like to come with me today—if you get back in time? My appointment is at 4:30pm. I’ll be leaving at 4pm sharp. If you can’t come today, why don’t you come on Friday for the lumpectomy? And after that, everything can go back to normal.
Good job with Peter’s cage.
Mom.
I’m sorry I missed your appointment, Mom. I can come on Friday, though.
Claire
Your allowance is on the counter. We should be ready to leave by 8:15 tomorrow morning.
Love,
Mom.
Mom,
I didn’t expect it all to be so serious and clean and so real at the hospital. When you wake up, I’m in my room. Come find me …
xox
Claire
I’m OK, sweetheart, it wasn’t major surgery. Thanks for all those herbal teas …
Hi Claire,
Michael called for you. I thought you only went out with him yesterday. Is he someone special? Nice to see you this morning, darling.
Love,
Mom.
Gina called again, Mom. She wants you to call her.
I’ll tell you more about Michael later. I’ve just gone over to Dad’s for a bit. He wanted to do something together.
How are you feeling?
Love and hugs,
C
I haven’t got time to go to the store, Claire. Could you swing by on your way home from school tomorrow and get:
milk
bread
/>
eggs
fruit—you choose
cucumber and tomatoes
spaghetti—we’re completely out
If you have time, could you water the plants too?
I couldn’t resist going to work! One of my patients is delivering triplets. Keep your fingers crossed.
Mom.
Mom,
I went to the store. See inside the fridge. I watered the plants. I cleaned out Peter’s cage. I tidied the living room. And the kitchen. And I did the dishes.
I’m going to bed.
Your live-in servant,
Claire
Claire!
I know it’s difficult with me out at work all the time but I used to help my parents around the house too.
Three beautiful babies born last night. Makes the world a better place. I’m feeling very positive. My appointment is next week. They’re going to talk about what happens next. I’d like to get it all over with quickly.
x
Mom.
—Your allowance is on the counter.
MOM!
SORRY WE FOUGHT! I was only saying that I’ve been doing loads of stuff around the house. Then I feel bad because of everything else that’s going on. How are you feeling now?
Claire
Am Babysittig.
xox
C
Peter has run out of carrots. Have you got any time to get some? We need bread too.
Mom.
Out with Emma.
xox
C
MOM! I can’t believe you turned my shirt PINK! I CAN’T WEAR IT NOW.
I’ve got the doctor’s appointment today. Hopefully it’ll be the all-clear.
Love,
Mom.
—The dishwasher needs emptying.
We had a sad day at work today, Claire. Do you remember the preemie born in January? Maybe you don’t, you probably don’t, well, I’d been keeping an eye on that one, I suppose she was my little ray of hope through all this. She died this afternoon. She was so tiny.
Feeling a bit low. I’m going for a walk by the river.
It wasn’t good news yesterday. There seems to some be a sort of complication.
Mom.