J: Well, there were three kings who showed up. I don’t know how wise they were. They didn’t look very wise. They said they followed a star. That don’t sound wise to me.
I: Didn’t they bring gifts?
J: Yes. Gold, frankincense, and I believe, myrrh, which I never did find out what that was. You don’t happen to know what myrrh is, do you?
I: Well, I believe it’s a reddish-brown, bitter gum resin.
J: Oh, great. Just what I need. What am I gonna do with a gum resin? I’d rather have the money, that way I could buy something I need. You know, something I wouldn’t normally buy for myself.
I: What would that be?
J: Oh, I don’t know. A bathing suit. I never had a bathing suit. Maybe a Devo hat. Possibly a bicycle. I really coulda used a bicycle. Do you realize all the walking I did? I must’ve crossed Canaan six, eight times. Up and down, north and south, walking and talking, doin’ miracles, tellin’ stories.
I: Tell us about the miracles. How many miracles did you perform?
J: Well, leaving out the loaves and the fishes, a total of 107 miracles.
I: Why not the loaves and the fishes?
J: Well, technically that one wasn’t a miracle.
I: It wasn’t?
J: No, it turns out a lot of people were putting them back. They were several days old. And besides, not all those miracles were pure miracles anyway.
I: What do you mean? If they weren’t miracles, what were they?
J: Well, some of them were parlor tricks, optical illusions, mass hypnosis. Sometimes people were hallucinatin’. I even used acupressure. That’s how I cured most of the blind people, acupressure.
I: So not all of the New Testament is true.
J: Naaah. Some of the gospel stuff never happened at all. It was just made up. Luke and Mark used a lot of drugs. Luke was a physician, and he had access to drugs. Matthew and John were okay, but Luke and Mark would write anything.
I: What about raising Lazarus from the dead?
J: First of all, he wasn’t dead, he was hungover. I’ve told people that.
I: But in the Bible you said he was dead.
J: No! I said he looked dead. I said, “Jeez, Peter, this guy looks dead!” You see, Lazarus was a very heavy sleeper, plus the day before we had been to a wedding feast, and he had put away a lot of wine.
I: Ahhh! Was that the wedding feast at Cana, where you changed the water into wine?
J: I don’t know. We went to an awful lot of wedding feasts in those days.
I: But did you ever really turn water into wine?
J: Not that I know of. One time I turned apple juice into milk, but I don’t recall the water and wine.
I: All right, speaking of water, let me ask you about another miracle. What about walking on water? Did that really happen?
J: Oh yeah, that was one that really happened. You see, the problem was, I could do it, and the other guys couldn’t. They were jealous. Peter got so mad at me he had these special shoes made, special big shoes, that if you started out walkin’ real fast you could stay on top of the water for a while. Then, of course, after a few yards, badda-boom, down he goes right into the water. He sinks like a rock. That’s why I called him Peter. Thou art Peter, and upon this rock I shall build my church.
I: Well, that brings up the Apostles. What can you tell us about the Apostles?
J: They smelled like bait, but they were a good bunch of guys. Thirteen of them we had.
I: Thirteen? The Bible says there were only twelve.
J: Well, that was according to Luke. I told you about Luke. Actually, we had thirteen. We had Peter, James, John, Andrew, Phillip, Bartholomew, Matthew, Thomas, James, that’s a different James, Thaddeus. How many is that?
I: That’s ten.
J: Simon, Judas, and Red.
I: Red?
J: Yeah, Red the Apostle.
I: Red the Apostle doesn’t appear in the Bible.
J: Nah, Red kept pretty much to himself. He never came to any of the weddings. He was a little strange; he thought the Red Sea was named after him.
I: And what about Judas?
J: Don’t get me started on Judas. A completely unpleasant person, okay?
I: Well, what about the other Apostles, say for instance, Thomas, was he really a doubter?
J: Believe me, this guy Thomas, you couldn’t tell him nothin’. He was always asking me for ID. Soon as I would see him, he would go, “You got any ID?” To this day he doesn’t believe I’m God.
I: And are you God?
J: Well, partly. I’m a member of the Trinity.
I: Yes. In fact, you’re writing a book about the Trinity.
J: That’s right, it’s called Three’s a Crowd.
I: As I understand it, it’s nothing more than a thinly veiled attack on the Holy Ghost.
J: Listen, it’s not an attack, okay? It happens I don’t get along with the Holy Ghost. So I leave him alone. That’s it. What he does is his business.
I: What’s the reason?
J: Well, first of all, he’s a wise guy. Every time he shows up, he appears as somethin’ different. One day he’s a dove, another day he’s a tongue of fire. Always foolin’ around. I don’t bother with the guy. I don’t wanna know about him, I don’t wanna see him, I don’t wanna talk to him.
I: Well, let me change the subject. Is there really a place called hell?
J: Oh yeah, there’s a hell, all right. There’s also a heck. It’s not as severe as hell, but we’ve got a heck and a hell.
I: What about purgatory?
J: No, I don’t know about no purgatory. We got heaven, hell, heck, and limbo.
I: What is limbo like?
J: I don’t know. No one is allowed in. If anyone was in there it wouldn’t be limbo, it would just be another place.
I: Getting back to your previous visit, what can you tell us about the Last Supper?
J: Well, first of all, if I’da known I was gonna be crucified, I woulda had a bigger meal. You never want to be crucified on an empty stomach. As it was, I had a little salad and some veal.
I: The crucifixion must have been terrible.
J: Oh yeah, it was awful. Unless you went through it yourself, you could never know how painful it was. And tiring. It was very, very tiring. But I think more than anything else, it was embarrassing. You know, in front of all those people, to be crucified like that. But, I guess it redeemed a lot of people. I hope so. It would be a shame to do it for no reason.
I: Were you scared?
J: Oh yeah. I was afraid it was gonna rain; I thought for sure I would get hit by lightning. One good thing, though, while I was up there I had a really good view; I could actually see my house. There’s always a bright side.
I: And then three days later you rose from the dead.
J: How’s that?
I: On Easter Sunday. You rose from the dead, didn’t you?
J: Not that I know of. I think I would remember something like that. I do remember sleeping a long time after the crucifixion. Like I said, it was very tiring. I think what mighta happened was I passed out, and they thought I was dead. We didn’t have such good medical people in those days. It was mostly volunteers.
I: And, according to the Bible, forty days later you ascended into heaven.
J: Pulleys! Ropes, pulleys, and a harness. I think it was Simon came up with a great harness thing that went under my toga. You couldn’t see it at all. Since that day, I been in Heaven, and, all in all, I would have to say that while I was down here I had a really good time. Except for the suffering.
I: And what do you think about Christianity today?
J: Well, I’m a little embarrassed by it. I wish they would take my name off it. If I had the whole thing to do over, I would probably start one of those Eastern religions like Buddha. Buddha was smart. That’s how come he’s laughing.
I: You wouldn’t want to be a Christian?
J: No, I wouldn’t want to be a member of any group whose sym
bol is a man nailed onto some wood. Especially if it’s me. Buddha’s laughing, meanwhile I’m on the cross.
I: I have a few more questions, do you mind?
J: Hey, be my guest, how often do I get here?
I: Are there really angels?
J: Well, not as many as we used to have. Years ago we had millions of them. Today you can’t get the young people to join. It got too dangerous with all the radar and heat-seeking missiles.
I: What about guardian angels? Are there such things?
J: Yes, we still have guardian angels, but now, with the population explosion, it’s one angel for every six people. Years ago everybody had his own angel.
I: Do you really answer prayers?
J: No. First of all, what with sun spots and radio interference, a lot of them don’t even get through. And between you and me, we just don’t have the staff to handle the workload anymore. In the old days we took pride in answering every single prayer, but like I said, there were less people. And in those days people prayed for something simple, to light a fire, to catch a yak, something like that. But today you got people praying for hockey teams, for longer fingernails, to lose weight. We just can’t keep up.
I: Well, I think we’re about out of time. I certainly want to thank you for visiting with us.
J: Hey, no sweat.
I: Do you have any words of advice?
J: You mean like how to remove chewing gum from a suede garment? Something like that?
I: No, I mean spiritual advice.
J: Well, I don’t know how spiritual it is, but I’d say one thing is don’t give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
I: Well, thank you, Jesus, and good night.
J: Well, good night, thanks for having me on here today. And by the way, in case anyone is interested, bell-bottoms will be coming back in the year 2015. Ciao.
I WISH I HAD MY MONEY BACK
Do you ever wonder who empties the wishing wells? That’s our money. I’ve never received an accounting. It’s just gone. Someone, apparently, is emptying the wishing wells and keeping the money. And I’m wondering whether or not that cancels out the wishes. Suppose it’s a wish that takes time to come true. Like if you wish some friend of yours would develop cancer. That takes time. How can it come true if your nickel has already been rolled in a wrapper and deposited in a bank?
And when does this coin retrieval take place? I’m sure they don’t do it on Sunday afternoon as some little girl is tossing in a penny, wishing for her daddy to come back from heaven. No, they probably do it at three in the morning, wearing black T-shirts and ski masks. I think this has gone far enough. I want to know what’s going on. My friend is still perfectly healthy, and I’m concerned.
Punk Bands I Have Known
Tower of Swine
Room in My Shorts
Mary Krenwinkle’s Revenge
Sphincter Hoedown
Basket of Fire
Trees for Lunch
Glandular Imbalance
A Fine Way to Die
Let’s Pull Our Eyes Out
Sewer Transaction
Cosmic Groin Pull
Pudding Disease
A Rare Twinkie
Rubber Thoughts
Vaginal Spotting
The Note Fuckers
Puke All Night
Anal Lace
Gorilla Tits
Harmony Sucks
Warts, Waffles and Walter
Mess-Kit Germ Colony
Hideous Infant
Clots on the Move
Systematic Rejection
The Stillborn
Household Pest
Breach of the Peace
Thankless Child
Persistent Rain
Days of Doubt
Sack of Shit
Hole in My Scrotum
Ed, Formerly Don
Cocaine Snot Groove
Hilda Fucks
Waitress Sweat
Infected Mole
This Band Needs Practice
A CAT IS NOT A DOG
Most people understand that cats are completely different from dogs, and generally they like them for different reasons. One quality people like in cats is their independence; they appreciate a pet who can take care of himself. “I never have to do a thing. He cleans his room, makes his own clothing, and drives himself to work.”
Unlike dogs, who are needy and dependent, and who like you merely because you know where the food is located, cats don’t get all hung up on fake affection. They don’t go nuts and slobber all over you when you come home, the way a dog does. They parcel out a certain limited amount of physical affection from time to time, but it probably has more to do with static electricity than anything else.
“Not Me!”
Cats have another quality I find admirable: blamelessness. When a cat makes a mistake, he doesn’t accept responsibility or show embarrassment. If he does something really stupid, like jumping onto a table and landing in four separate coffee cups, somehow he passes the whole thing off as routine. Dogs aren’t like that. If a dog knocks over a lamp, you can tell who did it by looking at the dog; he acts guilty and ashamed. Not the cat. When a cat breaks something, he simply moves along to the next activity.
“What’s that? The lamp? Not me! Fuck that, I’m a cat! Something broken? Ask the dog.”
“I Meant That!”
A cat can make any mistake appear intentional. Have you ever seen a cat race across a room and crash into a glass door? It doesn’t faze him at all.
WHIZZZ! SPLAT!!
“I meant that! I actually meant that. That’s exactly what I was trying to do.”
Then he limps behind the couch, holding his head:
“Oh, Jesus! Fuckin’ me-ooow! Goddamn fuckin’ me-ooooooow!”
Your cat is much too proud to let you see him suffer. But if you look behind the couch, you’ll see him recuperating from a domestic mishap.
“Hi. Tried to jump from the sofa to the window. Didn’t make it. Tore a ligament. Got milk?”
Rub Me Tender
Cats are very tactile; they love to rub against your leg. If you own a cat, and you have a leg, you’ve got a happy cat.
“Oh boy, oh boy! I’m rubbing against his leg! How I love his leg!”
If you have two legs, you’ve got yourself a party.
“Oh boy, oh boy, two legs! Now I can do the figure eight.”
They love to do the figure eight: around one leg, in between, and then around the other.
“Oh boy, oh boy. I’m doing the figure eight.”
He’ll rub against your legs even if you’re not there yet. You might be twenty feet down the hall. As soon as he sees you coming he starts walking side ways. He doesn’t want to miss a shot at your legs.
“Oh boy, oh boy! Here he comes! Soon I’ll be doing the figure eight.”
His Ass Is Yours
Cats are so tactile you don’t even have to do the petting. All you need is to put your hand somewhere near him, and he’ll lean into you and do all the work. They love to push back.
Then there’s the ass trick. Did you ever stroke a cat who’s lying absolutely flat, and before you’ve run your hand halfway down his back, his ass is sticking way up in the air? As if you pressed an “ass button ” or something?